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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I not back down

61 replies

Songbird232018 · 02/03/2019 20:34

So backstory. Partner and I have been together 5 years. He has 2 biological kids from ex wife (boy 12 & girl 13) she also has a son (boy 16) when they met, my partner has took him on also. We have the kids every Thursday for tea and every other weekend, extra in hols. partner pays csa for 2 biological kids every month and we buy majority of large presents for all three ie phones/macbooks.
We have a 1 year old son now together and relations between all are pretty good, I have never take a step mum role really but we get on well and there are no issues. We didnt gonon holiday last year as I was pregnant however the year before we all went to Wales for 5 days and it was great. Now... my family are not close with the other kids as they rarely see them and they have lots of their own family that needs to fit time in with. My dad has just announced he wants a villa away for his 70th in August, about 8 members going plus my my partner and son, they are treating is to paying half as we are just about to buy a house so were not planning on a holiday.
Bottom line is we simply cannot afford 3 flights in the summer holidays and it's a event for my family not my partners which would be different. I refuse to miss out on this but partner is getting a bit of stick from ex wife and his mother about this. So he may decide not to come but then will he missing our sons first holiday. I just need opinions as I starting to become resentful for the first time ever...

OP posts:

gambaspilpil · 08/03/2019 18:33

hmm I am a step child. No family is the same and each has a different set up. In this one the father has a good relationship with his DC . His wife has taken on his DC with no issue. Her family are not part of their life which isn't unusual given the DC have their own and don't live with their dad. The OP father is having a big gathering abroad for a special birthday the SC are not invited. Why would they be?

I went on zero holidays with my Dad and my SM. I never went abroad until I was an adult but he did with his DP and my half sister. I never really thought about it until this thread, however my half sister didn't have a great set of cousins and uncles and aunts that I did and we regularly went and stayed with them. I don't feel anger or envy and i certainly had no relationship with my SM family. Never met them and why would I? What would you suggest happens if the OP SC head off on a luxury holiday with their own relatives? Will her DS feel anger and rage at it being so unfair....dont be ridiculous.....The SC have two sets of GP and OP parents don't need to be a third just because folks on here think its shocking that they are not included in bloody everything. Lets get real folks...we are not in a disney movie

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 18:58

@TacoLover - there were 6 of us so yeah, there were years when I got stuff my older siblings didn't get & there were years I missed out because an older sibling or siblings needed to be the priority & my parents couldn't afford to always treat us all equally! However they did love us all equally & we grew up knowing love did not equal money spent on us or things given to us.

You're avoiding my question. I'm talking about big family things like a holiday here, not your older sibling getting a My Little Pony and you not. Did you get to go on holiday with a parent and leave the rest of your siblings behind? Or would you have thought that was unfair? Surely you can see how leaving all the kids behind to go on holiday is very different to taking one child and leaving the rest at home?

Daffydillo · 08/03/2019 19:31

I haven’t read all replies, but I think it would be a real shame for your partner to miss out on time with you and your child together because his other children are unable to come. I would be annoyed he was more bothered by ex partners comments than my feelings (and probably those of my family). You could always go away together with his children another time.

stealthmode · 08/03/2019 19:38

Actually taco yes I have. I have taken one of my Dc away and left the others behind. My eldest actually. And the other DC accepted that is was
A) a special treat
B) because the eldest was the eldest and could therefore go with me
C) knowing that one day, they too will get something similar.

Teaching children the world does not revolve around them = healthily balances children who can compromise.

I swear there’s a full moon at the moment. These threads are just full of horrible judgemental nonsense atm.

Magda72 · 08/03/2019 19:54

@TacoLover I'm not avoiding your question - I was talking generally. If you want holiday info I'll give it to you. Yes I was taken on holidays by my parents & my 2 teen sisters were left at home. My other siblings were in uni or working. My 2 teen sisters & some older siblings were also taken on holidays while I was left at home with my eldest sister who was in her 20's at this point. When I in turn was a teenager my parents ceased taking me on holidays & took cheap holidays by themselves while I either stayed with a sister or was taken away at some other point in the year by my eldest sister who was a teacher & could take me during school holidays.
I also didn't get new clothes if my sisters needed priority & vice versa. Same with bicycles, toys etc.
We all survived.

Magda72 · 08/03/2019 19:56

Oh & neither I nor my sisters ever had a my little pony.

Just saying.......

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 20:01

@Magda72 @stealthmode

That's fair enough if you both experienced it and don't mind. Each family is different and had a different way of doing things.

Why would you blame the father for not wanting to go on holiday without his kids though? Surely if he doesn't feel comfortable taking his child on a nice holiday and leaving his other children, knowing that they might be upset, that's his own decision and not necessarily a wrong one?

Magda72 · 08/03/2019 20:26

@TacoLover - yes it is his decision. However, he is letting the fact that his family is a blended one dictate his decision imo. What I mean by this is that his reaction is at variance with the situation & the situation is that through logistics & geography his kids have no relationship with the OP's extended family & therefore them not being included/part paid for is not the snub or big deal he's making it out to be.
If it was OP's birthday & she wanted a holiday with her dp & child & was suggesting not taking his other kids then I would understand that he might not want to or feel comfortable doing that.
OP's dad is celebrating his birthday & op should not have to attend by herself because her dp can't grasp the extended family dynamics. Personally I think if he's that worried about his other kids he could quiet easily do a few grown up type day trips or a camping weekend with them & without Op & their baby which I'm sure they'd love & which wouldn't cost the earth.
My own teens are not going on holidays with their dad, sm & two toddler siblings this year as their dad can't afford it. They're not upset at all as after 10 days camping with toddlers last year they would rather gouge their eyes out than endure another toddler-centric holiday again. They will go on holidays with me this year as this year I can afford a good holiday. Last year I chose to spend the spare money I had on going away with dp - just the two of us. My kids were fine with this, dp's weren't as their dm kicked up a massive fuss even though he has taken them on holiday every year post divorce. They also weren't fine when he said that he could take them on holidays this year but couldn't afford the premiership match tickets they expected as their Christmas surprise!!!!

Honestly this sort of entitlement does not do kids any good.

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 20:35

@Magda72 I understand your viewpoint. Personally I understand the DP's feelings more as I wouldn't feel comfortable taking one of my children and leaving the others as for me holidays are not frequent and so for me they are family events. I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. I guess my point is that I don't think the DP should be forced to go if he doesn't feel comfortable leaving out his other children.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2019 22:25

@Magda72

I totally agree with your post at 16:52.

One pp said the OPs family should make more effort to include the SC. I don't see why that would be invited to an event like this.

A celebrant invites people who have a relationship with them..be it a friend or relative. They may extend it to a plus 1, but the SC in a scenario like this are have no relationship with the celebrant.

As for the OPs child going, apart from the fact it's his GF birthday, he has to go with his mum and he's too young to know what planet he's on.

Foxmuffin · 10/03/2019 17:57

I wouldn’t be surprised if given their age your step children would rather not come anyway. I imagine they’d feel pretty awkward and bored especially since they aren’t close to your family.
I don’t see why your DP shouldn’t go. This is a celebration for your father and it’s up to him who he invites and whose expenses he subsidies.

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