Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Getting tired of being a SM

71 replies

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 09:07

Bit of back story me and my DH got together when DSD was 2. We have since gotten married and had 2 children of our own. I was a SAHM for 2 years and still provide all school holiday childcare as well as weekends.
DSD is babied at her mothers house but there has always been structure at ours. She is now 9 so certain tasks are expected of her. Putting her clean folded clothes in her drawers, putting her dirty ones in the wash basket, making her bed, putting her plate in the sink.
I cook all her meals, do all the washing and look after her whenever she is here (DH is usually working).
Anything I ask her to do she makes impossible. Her clothes are left where ever she drops them, her bed is left unmade, she doesn’t use manners, she claims she doesn’t know how to use a hair brush (I taught her) and she just throws her it’s getting to the point where I’m just constantly nagging at her to do things.
How do I change things?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 09:10

**she just throws her clothes on the floor instead of putting them away.

I don’t want to be the boring, horrible step mum who just tells her off all the time. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 24/02/2019 09:13

Where is your DH in all this? Why is he always working when dsd is there?

It must be difficult for dsd to be left with sm all the time and to live in 2 houses with different expectations.

Original poster

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 09:16

Why must it be difficult to be left with her SM?

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 09:19

Can you try rewarding her when she does the things you want her to do rather than getting fed up when she doesn't? Eg a wall chart?

snapcrap · 24/02/2019 09:24

It's amazing how every SM on here says the mother babies her kids! I do understand your frustration and of course she should be able to pick up after herself. But most kids just don't without being repeatedly nagged or ordered to do so! Your kids will no doubt be the same when they get older. Does this matter enough to cause friction? It's not your SD's fault if there are different rules at her two different homes. Remember your children have the advantage of one home, one mother figure.

Original poster

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 09:26

@hollowvictory
I tried that last year, but to no avail. Whenever I ask her to do something I sit there wishing she will do it so I don’t have to nag her.
I can’t remember the last time she did something the first time I asked

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 09:28

Tbh not many 9 year olds do what you're expecting. Mine are 11 and will do their own hair and put clothes in wash but that's about it.

IM0GEN · 24/02/2019 09:29

You need to let her father deal with it.

Mother on here are always saying how they won’t want the SM to take on any parenting.

Step kids are always saying that they don’t want their Sm to tell them what to do.

Let me ask you this - if you and your DH divorced tomorrow, would you still see your SD? No? In that case she isn’t your child to parent.

Her father needs to step up and stop treating you as an unpaid nanny. He needs to take annual leave when she comes in the summer too.

Original poster

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 09:33

DSD has said herself her mother does everything for her, she still gets her teeth cleaned for her and help getting dressed.
Even though she’s been dressing herself at our house for years.
I understand that children don’t do things first time, but I could ask her to put her dirty washing in the wash basket so she will put it back in her drawers instead. It’s like she is trying to get me to reprimand her.
I don’t know how to get her to stop, DH just brushes it off (“you’re only picking up her washing, it’s not the end of the world” or “you’re only moving her dirty plates what’s wrong with that?” “Just help her brush her hair, it’ll only take 2 mins”) but if I do it for her the other two expect it done as well.

OP posts:

IM0GEN · 24/02/2019 09:40

I don’t know how to get her to stop, DH just brushes it off (“you’re only picking up her washing, it’s not the end of the world” or “you’re only moving her dirty plates what’s wrong with that?” “Just help her brush her hair, it’ll only take 2 mins”) but if I do it for her the other two expect it done as well

If it’s no big deal, leave it all for him to deal with when he comes home. You’ll soon find out whether or not it’s a big deal and you are just over reacting.

Livedandlearned · 24/02/2019 09:40

She wants attention and probably wants to see her dad more. There's nothing wrong with trying to teach her to be a bit responsible. Can you rearrange her time at your house to coincide with her dads time off and also use the reward charts pp suggested.

Magda72 · 24/02/2019 09:57

@Anon7876 as people always say on here you don't have a dc problem you have a dp problem.
Seriously - what is he like? This poor girl is only 9 & her dad is not around or parenting her. There's nothing wrong with her spending time with you but you're not her parent & her dad really needs to step up & not leave it all to you.
My exh has two pre schoolers with his dp who is now a sahm. He told me once that I was very foolish paying for a childminder as his dp was "at home anyway & should be viewed as free childcare"!!! I didn't take him up on his offer 🙄.
I actually could not believe he said that to me.
I'm not trying to be cruel but there are a lot of men out there who view their partners in exactly this way when it comes to their kids from a previous partner.

SparklySneakers · 24/02/2019 09:57

My daughters dad is often working during contact time and they hate it. Contact time is for time with their dad not his gf/partner/wife. Some things can't be helped but he should prioritise his child. As they seem to say on here: you have a DP problem.

Longtalljosie · 24/02/2019 10:04

I think the problem is society expects much more from 9 year olds than they’re able to deliver. The parents who insist their 9 year olds clean their own teeth 100% of the time have a significant overlap with the parents whose children have fillings. My daughter has a bash at brushing her hair on the weekends but it certainly isn’t good enough for school. She is repeatedly asked to put dirty clothes in the wash / damp towels on the rail but only does so 25% of the time. This is the stage she / you are at and it’s frustrating. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking if her mum was doing things differently this problem would go away... I’d also take her claim her mum doesn’t expect her to do anything with a pinch of salt too...

ukgift2016 · 24/02/2019 10:12

I agree with Longtalljosie

I try to get my nearly 7 year old to do household chores. She is ok but I have to keep reminding/nag her to do these things!

I also think it is strange you are doing a lot of the childcare. How often are you alone with SD?

Ella1980 · 24/02/2019 10:19

We have similar in a different way if that makes sense?! I share 50/50 with my ex-husband (not through choice) and the two homes are poles apart. Ex lives with his 24 yo gf who doesn't have much to do with the kids (that suits them both). I live with my fiance who is happy to be involved (that suits us both).

11 yo son is so lazy it's untrue. Basically because he is allowed to be at his dad's. We had meltdown the other day just because I said he needed to make his own sandwich! He throws clothes on the floor and complains when we ask him to do anything. Then of course we get the "I'll go and live with my dad more" threats.

Both fiance and I are frustrated by this. We try as much as possible to work together to encourage son to be more independent but it's hard work and can be very frustrating. For us that's been the key and my fiance is good at letting me take the lead in how I discipine but always supporting/backing me up in my decisions. Son knows there's no "wiggle room" that way.

The youngest (8 nearly 9) is better at independence as he's been living 50/50 since he was 3 so has grown up more atuned to my ways of doing things.

It could of course also be a bit of an age thing?

Ella1980 · 24/02/2019 10:21

Meant to say, kids are both bio mine and ex's. My fiance and ex-husband's gf don't have bio their own.

JRMisOdious · 24/02/2019 10:25

Some of your frustrations are fair, some aren’t. (“I cook all of her meals”: she’s 9, would imagine the majority of parents cook their 9 year old’s meals).
Our youngest is an academically smart 16 year old: still think he would benefit from a brain transplant sometimes when it comes to household stuff. Our 25 year old will still go to Morrison’s on Saturday without brushing her hair if she’s had a hard week (difference now, I don’t have to care 😁)
Doubt she’s doing it deliberately to annoy you. Your children have a stable life with one family, she doesn’t so different behaviours aren’t so surprising.

Jackshouse · 24/02/2019 10:31

Difficult to be just left with SD if her father is always working then she must not see much of him.

Original poster

Anon7876 · 24/02/2019 10:33

@JRiMisOdious
I’m not frustrated that I cook her meals, I’m frustrated that I get no thanks off her for doing so, I will put a freshly cooked meal in front of her and she just ignores me and starts eating, no thank you (even my toddler says thanks)
I know DH should be around more, but the way our jobs work, this makes sense financially and it also means I see my children more than I would.
She doesn’t see her mum much either and I understand it’s not DSD fault but she is the one ignoring me and doing the opposite of what I ask not her parents.

OP posts:

Prettyvase · 24/02/2019 10:37

What rubbish to say a 9 year old isn't capable of learning basic life skills without being nagged to do it.

Some mums love doing everything for their DC as they see that as their role.

Some parents lose sight of the fact parenting is also about preparing DC to become kind and thoughtful young adults equipped with basic life skills and social skills so they have confidence and successes through small achievements as they become more independent.

As far as my DC were concerned they were all able to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket and clean their own teeth age 2-3, the same time as potty training.

If it's done then with loads of positive encouragement at a young age it becomes ingrained and then you don't have to keep nagging them as teenagers.

Likewise with tidying, doing the laundry, basic cooking, making cups of tea if someone is tired: all mine have been able to do these things from an early age.

None of them need nagging or telling twice and as they go on to university they are equipped with the life skills they'll need to live with others amicably.

There is no reason ( bar certain SN) why a child isn't able to be and be positively encouraged to be helpful and kind.

mmmm25 · 24/02/2019 10:38

It's difficult but your OH is really the one at fault; your DSD seems to be behaving like an average 9 year old.

SparklySneakers · 24/02/2019 10:45

Poor girl. She must feel pretty unwanted not seeing much of either parent and spending more time with you than her own dad. She probably feels very sad, lonely and displaced.

doodleygirl · 24/02/2019 10:46

I’m a step mum and I understand your frustration but I think your family set up
is incredibly unfair on your DSD, she wants to see her dad, that’s it really.

Put yourself in her shoes, she comes to your house to spend time with her dad and she doesn’t get that time. How do you think it makes her feel?

You really need to rearrange your lives to give her proper contact time, perhaps then you can work on the other issues with her.

cookingonwine · 24/02/2019 10:51

Step mum to 3 children here and I have one child of my own ... my own son can amazingly put his own clothes away... flush the toilet and wash his hands ... however still after 4 years of being a SM to the 3 children they still haven't learnt how to do any of the basics ... oh apart from make snacks! Funny that .... do they forget or just lazy...?

Flip

1 2 3