Getting tired of being a SM

[Anon7876]

Bit of back story me and my DH got together when DSD was 2. We have since gotten married and had 2 children of our own. I was a SAHM for 2 years and still provide all school holiday childcare as well as weekends.
DSD is babied at her mothers house but there has always been structure at ours. She is now 9 so certain tasks are expected of her. Putting her clean folded clothes in her drawers, putting her dirty ones in the wash basket, making her bed, putting her plate in the sink.
I cook all her meals, do all the washing and look after her whenever she is here (DH is usually working).
Anything I ask her to do she makes impossible. Her clothes are left where ever she drops them, her bed is left unmade, she doesn’t use manners, she claims she doesn’t know how to use a hair brush (I taught her) and she just throws her it’s getting to the point where I’m just constantly nagging at her to do things.
How do I change things?

Anything that can be left for her dad to sort, you leave for her Dad to sort. Obviously you can’t not feed the poor kid but it’s not your problem if her clothes don’t get put away or cleaned. Just leave it and try to focus on being the lovely, fun to be around Auntie Step-Mum character. You won’t ever be her parent so why tie yourself in knots?

Meant to say, my DSD pleases and thank yous (sometimes with cuddles too, bless her) the bejesus out of me because she knows I am under no obligation to do anything for her whatsoever. I like doing nice things for her regardless, but I refused point blank to take orders from a 5 year old. No matter whose 5 year old. So I get please and thank you and her mother seems to get nothing but cheek. Would persevere with that one, you’re not her servant.

I don't blame you for feeling like this OP. You're stuck in yet another situation where your partner is not parenting their child, and you are having to suffer the consequences. Get your partner to man up.

He needs to establish regular contact and arrange his work around that schedule. It sounds like he is happy to work more and stay away from his DD, you seem happy that he works more hours meaning that you don't have to work and be with your children, but you're not happy that she is isn't the happy well-behaved child that would make your life easier.

Sounds like everyone would rather spend as little time with her as possible, it's no surprise she is acting like a baby. How else is she going to get any attention?

It’s hard to establish regular contact when things are being changed last minute at the other end.
Which is why I end up doing most of the child care, when he can’t change holidays on short notice he cancels them an works instead.
Then tries to set in stone the next set of holidays but then they end up getting changed at last minute by DSD’s mum as well.
She would get more positive attention if she did what I asked of her, instead she ignores me or does things wrong on purpose and I end up having to reprimand her.
I want to be able to say “well done for getting yourself up and dressed and brushing your teeth” but instead I have to ask her 10 times to perform any task and by that point I’m at my wits end.

Suddenly it's her mum who changes the schedule all the time. Here's a thought...if she doesn't stick to the arrangements.. DSD doesn't come over.

She'll soon stop messing about with that. Your DP lets it happen because you're there ...but it's easier for you to blame his Ex for everything.

The fathers never get the blame on these threads do they? Far easier to blame the 9 year old who gets no attention from either parent and a SM who doesn't sound like she likes her

I said many posts ago that arrangements are often changed last minute so we take what we can get, it’s better to see her dad for a few evening rather than not at all.
And I am not ‘blaming’ the ex. What I’m saying is that neither parent puts in the effort, it seems to be only me that has consistency and yet I’m the one being ignored and bad mouthed.
I feel either way I’m a bad guy. I try her make her part of our family and our rules and I’m being cruel. And if I say I’m not looking after her anymore and I’m being cruel.

Her mother needs to be parenting her more, if the father is tied up providing financially

Her mother is also providing financially? What do you actually want her to do?

As always you have an adult problem, both are happy to use you and take the slack and do the childcare but not allow you to parent

And in the midst of this you have a poor 9 year old who barely sees her parents and whose main carer can parent her properly. It’s a miracle actually she sounds a perfectly normal 9 year old. Getting mine to say thank you for dinner or put clothes somewhere that isn’t the floor is a battle too

But you do need to look at the fact he works more so you can spend more time at home - that isn’t fair on her she is missing out on parent time

Tbh I feel very sorry for your DSD, she’s got no consistency and must feel like an inconvenience. You sound like you don’t like her or really want her around and she will totally pick up on that and is probably playing up in response. Stop blaming the 9 year old confused child and sort out proper arrangements with her actual parents so that they can both be present for her. Like others have said, she wants to spend time with her dad and instead she gets the SM who doesn’t like her - she’s hardly going to be desperate to do exactly as you tell her, she’s rebelling against you and it’s understandable to be fair. Better behaviour would probably come in time if you built a better relationship with her and she got more quality time with her dad, she probably resents coming to your house at the moment. Try to see things from her point of view instead of getting into a battle of wills with her just to prove that you are the boss, she’s a child with an unstable home life and she needs unconditional love. The other stuff will follow but not while your relationship is like this, it’ll probably only get worse as she enters teen years if you carry on like this.

It’s hard to establish regular contact when things are being changed last minute at the other end. Which is why I end up doing most of the child care, when he can’t change holidays on short notice he cancels them an works instead.

Then you say No. You say you can’t do this. She’s not getting hardly any time with her Dad here, so what is the point? It’s not fair on anyone.

Then leave it to DP and his Ex, they can argue it out or make another arrangement.

I do like her. I love her. I have been in her life for 7 years, teaching her to look after herself. To go to the toilet and wash her hands after, to wash and brush her own hair. To dress herself, because everyone finds it easier to do everything for her because it’s quicker than taking the time to teach her.
But teaching a child do do things themselves is more important to me. If not they’ll be let out into the big bad world and not have a clue how to do anything.

What I’m saying is that neither parent puts in the effort, it seems to be only me that has consistency and yet I’m the one being ignored and bad mouthed. this will only stop when you pull the plug on the childcare. It’s not good that she scrapes by with a few evenings with her Dad as things are changed, you do not have to accept this and neither does your DP or DSD.

I suspect, your DP, like mine, rather likes this arrangement as he can feel like Dad but not actually be around.

I get it’s hard, but honestly I’ve been there. The Ex hasn’t spoken to me since I said I’m not taking the kids on her days. She argued that her kids could do what they liked. My DP told me I was stopping the kids from seeing him in their home. I got an awful lot of horrible projection my way. All for saying that I wasn’t going to be default parent for DSDs anymore unless it was a more fair arrangement and only if DSDs wanted to be parented by me.

Unfortunately though your DSD is mainly learning that her parents don’t care enough to give her stability, that she can be mean to the SM she’s lumbered with, and that the world is about passing the buck and manipulation.

People that aren't stepmothers just aren't going to get this one but I do! You need to tell DH that ALL the kids need basic house rules. Agree with DH that he needs to enforce them with you especially with DSD. Post them on the wall somewhere near the dinner table. Have a family meeting and explain the rules and consequences. Have your DH lead "the meeting". Make them earn screen time. Every single minute of it. Don't do your chores without asking? No screen time. Go grey rock with it. Sort it now OP or the teenage years will be hell and eventually you will refuse to have her in your house if he's not there.

Your expectations of the 9 year old are perfectly reasonable and it's grossly unfair if you're called cruel by the parents for not doing childcare/encouraging self-care. If you're cruel regardless of what you do then the easiest way out for you is to do no childcare so you don't have the stress of teaching the sd basic stuff.

I understand why you teach her this stuff. Independence leads to confidence and better self-esteem and when they leave home they need to know what to do. Having to learn it all at age 18 when they start I I would be ridiculous (or will the parents travel up to do cleaning and tasks like changing the duvet cover?)

I understand that when you look after the 3 kids then the rules have to be the same for all. Your h not accepting this is another reason not to do the childcare. It's not fair on your kids and it is damaging to the sibling relationships.

What I’m saying is that neither parent puts in the effort, it seems to be only me that has consistency and yet I’m the one being ignored and bad mouthed.

No parent could use a child minder or school and expect the rules for their child to be different from the rules to the others. Dsd will probably realize when she's much older that your "strictness" was perfectly reasonable and a sign of caring. Your problem is that you are picking up the slack for 2 lazy parents who don't even trust you enough to enforce very reasonable expectations.

You’re in a no win situation I’m afraid and the red flag in this is not your DSD but her parents. And especially your partner.

His comment of ‘what’s the big deal, you only move a few dishes’ is exceptionally rude and diminishing both the role you have and equally minimising your feelings. It’s not ok at all.

He’s slacking. Making you do the grunt work. And then once you deign to voice a frustration, categorically dismissing you. Do not let him do it.

This situation is not working for you and it is not working for your DSD. It is not your role to parent this child 50% of the time. And then get frustrated (quite rightly) when the child isn’t listening. My DC’s need things repeated multiple times, it’s deeply frustrating. But my partner isn’t the one telling them to put their clothes away, it’s mine. Because that’s my role, not my partners.

Your expectations are spot on for what it’s worth. I think your partner needs to listen to you and validate your feelings. Not dismiss and minimise the deeply critical role you are playing in his child’s life.

He’s really being very rude

@Anon7876 - the best advice I can give you is to really take on board what @Bananasinpyjamas11 is saying to you.
She really does now what she's talking about & gives very honest & balanced advice.

Yet another man who has found himself a new woman to be an unpaid child minder / housekeeper.
I can’t see the point in SD coming over if her father is not there.
Tell your not so dear husband to go to court and get proper access sorted so ex cannot always change the arrangements. Then dad can take his holiday to spend with his daughter instead of just whingeing about it.
OP stay strong x