Getting tired of being a SM

[Anon7876]

Bit of back story me and my DH got together when DSD was 2. We have since gotten married and had 2 children of our own. I was a SAHM for 2 years and still provide all school holiday childcare as well as weekends.
DSD is babied at her mothers house but there has always been structure at ours. She is now 9 so certain tasks are expected of her. Putting her clean folded clothes in her drawers, putting her dirty ones in the wash basket, making her bed, putting her plate in the sink.
I cook all her meals, do all the washing and look after her whenever she is here (DH is usually working).
Anything I ask her to do she makes impossible. Her clothes are left where ever she drops them, her bed is left unmade, she doesn’t use manners, she claims she doesn’t know how to use a hair brush (I taught her) and she just throws her it’s getting to the point where I’m just constantly nagging at her to do things.
How do I change things?

Anon7876

In which case, yes that is rude. Your husband should talk to her (maybe all of the children together so she doesn’t feel she’s being singled out) about general expectations of politeness, etc.
Mine are very nice people but I still have to remind them to say thank you sometimes. I probably forget occasionally as well.

You know I often think us adults just don't get how kids perceive things. You're there trying to parent and getting frustrated because a 9 year old is not responsive to your parenting, but to that 9 year old you are not a parent - you're just dad's partner. If my own dc are anything to go by your dsd does not want you to mind her - she wants her dad, her parent to attend to her. That's not to say she doesn't love you but she doesn't perceive you the way you assume she does & she doesn't perceive you the way your own dc do.

My kids are all teens now & while they love & appreciate their sm they get very frustrated when their dad passes the parenting over to her as they don't need or want that - they want him to behave like the parent HE is. You and your dp are not interchangeable to this girl & you are not a substitute for her dad.
You say your family set up has been structured so you can spend more time with your dc - but what of this girls need to spend more time with her dad???

My DS was about 11 when he started asking "what's the point in me even going to dads if he's not there?"

Thankfully his dad got his act together, but my son wasn't daft and it was clear he was starting to resent his dad and SM for the set up.

Wanting help with self-care from you could be a sign they want to build closeness with you.

DH just brushes it off (“you’re only picking up her washing, it’s not the end of the world” or “you’re only moving her dirty plates what’s wrong with that?” “Just help her brush her hair, it’ll only take 2 mins”)

I can't be reading that right?

Why the actual doesn't HE do it, then??

My God.

Is stop doing the holiday cover if he won’t back you up in the way you choose to parent her - you’re the only one there so it has to be up to you how things are done.

If he’s going to undermine you he and ex can pay for proper childcare, simple as that.

My DSD is 9, dresses herself, washes and brushes her hair. DH or I will blow dry it. She lays the table or takes dishes into the kitchen after a meal, she can make basic meals and when we were away recently we came downstairs to breakfast of toast and spreads on the table as a thank you for the holiday - entirely her idea. She puts dirty clothes in drawers, makes her bed, mostly tidied up after herself with the odd prompt. We don’t consider it in any way extraordinary, she likes learning things and feeling grown up and more independent. She’s not perfect but she’s pretty bloody marvellous.

She doesn’t have to do most of that at her mum’s but she also hates the mess and dirt and lack of independence she has there, not being allowed to help in the kitchen, not knowing where her clean clothes are. She seems to think pitching in is worth it to spend time in a house which is clean(ish), tidy, where things have a place, everyone has jobs which contribute to it and where she has a say. DH and his ex are very different people and the DC have never struggled to live in homes with different rules.

You’ve known DSD for most of her life and you’ve been a constant presence so it’s utter bull shit you’re being stopped from enforcing totally reasonable expectations of everyone living in your home. If her dad doesn’t like it he can be there more often can’t he or pay for childcare when he’s working. It won’t be easy to get him to accept things are changing but that’s tough shit, he doesn’t get to dictate when you’re doing all the work.

Erm , Annelovesgilbert, why should ex-w pay for childcare on her ex’s access time? He should pay for the childcare!

I know DH should be around more, but the way our jobs work, this makes sense financially and it also means I see my children more than I would.

Hang on. Are you saying the 9yo doesn’t get to see her dad because the two of you make more money this way? And because you get to see your own kids more?

And you know the 9yo doesn’t get to see her mum much either?

And you’re moaning that she doesn’t pick up her dirty clothes etc?

Holy shit. This is a new low for me.

I worry about your situation as it sounds like mine. Her mother needs to be parenting her more, if the father is tied up providing financially.

If her mother relinquished more of her role, supported you and backed you up, this might work. But she won’t. She is probably undermining you.

I think this is like mine, a ‘dreamworld’ setup. Where the father is somehow magically 50/50 or full time parent, but actually is still the main provider and out at work.

Dad is happy with this arrangement. He can feel mor fatherly. Feel like a good Dad. But doesn’t have to parent more / cut down work.
Mum is happy with this arrangement, as she gets maintenance, provision, but doesn’t have to parent more, and can easily undermine the SM as she knows her child’s loyalties are with her.

There is nothing in this arrangement that will make the parents want to change.

The child is losing out. She cannot be feeling okay as she is probably in a loyalty bind with her mother. Her father will side with her against you as SM. So she is indulged, but not parented.

You as SM lose out massively. You have a child who doesn’t want your parenting. A husband who takes you for granted. And a child who doesn’t care for you, and her mother who will always be number one above you.

I did this. Bought up step daughters for years who caused me problems with my own kids, and now totally ignore me as young adults. What was the point in that?!

Don’t do that!

Hello. I have a 9 years old dd and two step daughters so I get where you are coming from with the different expectations at different houses and constantly feel like you are nagging them. My 9 year old dd does crush her own teeth and hair (I then tie it up and hair spray)., she makes her own bed without being asked and puts her dirty washing in the wash basket and sometimes her clean washIng away. X

it also means I see my children more than I would
But it also means, your dad doesn't see much of her dad. It's bad enough she doesn't get much attention from her mum but also not much of her dad who chose to have more children.

It sounds like she likes to be babied because that's the only time she gets positive attention. She is pushing you aeau because she wants her dad to parent her, not you.

He needs to be more involved and if that means him working less and you working more, than that's fair enough. He can pick up some parenting duties for all 3 children and you'll grow less resentful of not being appreciated for what you do.

Where the father is somehow magically 50/50 or full time parent, but actually is still the main provider and out at work. Dad is happy with this arrangement. He can feel mor fatherly. Feel like a good Dad. But doesn’t have to parent more / cut down work

This .

That’s why these guys get married / partnered again really quickly isn’t it ? Often to a younger childless woman who will want to have a baby and therefore care for his too. He can cut down on his maintenance , show everyone what a great guy he is and , yet again, a woman does all the grunt work.

If it doesn’t work out, he can move on and he’s had a free nanny and housekeeper for years. And his new GF will be here on MN complaining how much Maintemamce he has to pay to his evil scheming Exs.

I don't think you should be parenting your DSD. Your DH should be there when she is. The finances should not come into it. He is abstaining from his parental responsibilities to his DSD let alone the two you have. Working does not give him an opt out from parenting and you should encourage him to be home more even if you have to work too

You say your family set up has been structured so you can spend more time with your dc - but what of this girls need to spend more time with her dad???

Your Dh needs to realise that his dd is his responsibility. You are not her parent. It's one thing to have here there for a couple of hours if your Dh had to go out, but it's quite another thing to have her while your Dh goes to work leaving you to mind her. What's the point in her coming to your house at all if he's not there? Maybe he needs to rearrange his access to suit his work hours, if his ex is able to accommodate it.

As for thanking you for dinner - I have teens and they never thank me for their dinner. You're asking a lot if you expect a thanks for every bit of food she gets. And what's with the 'asking' her to do stuff - simply tell her she has to do it, or better still leave all her dirty clothes for your Dh to sort and wash. He sounds like a right catch by the way, leaving you to parent his child and then making light of the issues you have with her.

You're there trying to parent and getting frustrated because a 9 year old is not responsive to your parenting, but to that 9 year old you are not a parent - you're just dad's partner

if anything, that's worse. I was brought up to be polite to all adults, even more so the ones who had no responsibility towards me. My almost 3yo moves his own plate after his dinner and says thank you to everyone for anything he is given.

It's really not hard to bring children up with manners, but it really is hard to try and instil manners into a child who has not been brought up to have any.

DSS is 14 and has to be reminded to say please and thank you. His mum is mannerless and lazy herself, and thank god DP has grown up since they lived together as a family and now parents very well.

OP, let your DH take responsibility for her. Step back. If its not a big issue, then he can make her bed, move her plates and sort her clothes out when he gets home from work cant he?

You're doing everything you can, which is admirable, but you shouldn't be taking all responsibility away from DDs actual parent. It isn't fair on you.

I have teens and they never thank me for their dinner. You're asking a lot if you expect a thanks for every bit of food she gets

teenagers really should be saying thank you. It's really incredibly rude not to.

I don't think its asking a lot at all, its basic manners.

The pp are right about this being a dh problem and not a sd problem.

Why doesn't sd see mum much? Is it because she's in childcare after school so mum can work, mum palms her off to others or is it because you have 50/50?

I suspect mum does so much as she spends little time with her dd so enjoys the novelty of brushing hair etc

Yanbu to be irritated but for this to change you need your h to change his ways and be around more for his Dd.

She doesn’t see her mum much as she is either working, on holiday or socialising. When we drop DSD off it is very rarely with her mum.
Arrangements are quite frequently changed last minute so we take what we can get, seeing her dad for a few evenings is better than her not seeing him at all. If he books time off during school hols he’ll get a text the week before saying he’s now not having her that portion but can’t change it last min with work (school hol annual leave is hard to come by in most jobs)
The bit I’m struggling with is if I do nothing I’m bad mouthed as being uninterested or accused or pushing her out of our family.
But if I do get involved with her upbringing I’m challenged every step of the way.

Challenged by mum or dad?

By both.
As I’ve said earlier he thinks I shouldn’t expect manners, cleanliness or the ability to do certain tasks.
I would understand if I was asking her to do complex tasks, but putting her already folded and ironed clothes in a drawer isn’t beyond the ability of a 9 year old.

I'd expect a 9 year old to say thank you. That's basic manners. Kids can forget to do so, but they need reminding. You give something..they don't say thank you ...you ask "what do you say or don't forget your manners'

I had laundry baskets in the kids room when they were that age and they put their dirty clothes in. I collected them from there.

Sometimes I'd go on their room and stuff was on the floor... I either throw it in the basket or call them upstairs to do it.

Try getting one in.her favourite colour..or a personalised one to encourage her.

I think at 9, I was still putting their clean folded clothes away... because I wanted them nice and neat.

I had to constantly remind them to hang up their school uniform. That's kids for you.

As others have said ... your DH is leaving his job to you. If you split up tomorrow what would he do? Reduce his custody time because of work?

I think your resentment is magnified by the lack of appreciation from him. He takes you looking after his DD for granted.

I'm not surprised she's acting up as she has no consistency. There needs to be a court order in place to ensure contact is regular, consistent and happen when it's supposed to happen. That's what courts look for and neither parent is providing this for her.

I have recently won the dirty clothes in basket argument with my ds 10.

Pocket money is now dependant on how many smelly socks or dirty pants are in his washing bag on the back of his door on a Saturday morning. 10p per item. Anything on the floor doesn’t count.

Might be worth a try.

House rules list, signed by all.
Star for every rule done.
Link to pocket money or treats, don't nag, just give them out. Lots of opportunities to earn.
I can't see a 9 yr old not wanting to beat a toddler.

Yes it is okay to expect manners. However the problem remains, if you are the one doing most parenting while she is at your house, something is wrong. Her Dad and Mum should be parenting her, and I would push for this. Push strongly!

I eventually insisted on a calendar for my DSDs, DP drew it up and his Ex changed some things, but my goodness was it better than ad hoc chaos where SM ends up with a resentful child who is just being wheeled around to suit her parent social life. They know, and the resentment spills out, and gets directed at you as SM.

There is not a ‘we’ here, you and DP as not the equal parents, I’m not having a go I just recognize that you’ve taken, conscientiously, onboard the responsibility of parenting when both parents are not, like I did. Her mum and Dad need to work out some regular, clear schedule where they are both around to actually parent properly.

You might see a reduction in the resentment from your DSD then.