14 Month Old Leaving Mum Overnight

[ProxyMum]

My DP's exP won't allow his 14 month old DS stay with him overnight because she says he's not ready to. She allows their 3 year old DD, but she refuses to (I think because she's being separated from her mummy and her little brother).

The little boy is still being breastfed, which I understand complicates things.

How can we support and prepare the ex to allow my DP to have both children overnight?

You’ll just have to wait until he’s night weaned I’m afraid. A 14 month old won’t get anything out of an overnight stay so what’s the rush? If it’s just because dad wants it then that’s not really good enough. The babies best interest must come first.

If breastfeeding at night I think you wait .

It isn’t about preparing ex to do what you want

We aren't in a rush. That's why I'm asking what we can do to support and prepare. The plan is to have a 50/50 custody eventually but not until it is right for all.

However.. That said.. I do not think it is very fair to expect a father to not desperately miss his children and want to be present in all aspects of their life. Including having his children overnight, which surely also benefits them?

I think it's also worth remembering that if baby is only 14 months either dad wasn't around for much of its life so far or you, as dad's new girlfriend, have not been on the scene very long. I think you have to accept you're waiting until a) baby is night weaned and b) mum is comfortable. No one would dictate to me what happened woth my 14 month old, not even the biological father.

DP puts his children to bed pretty much every night in his ExP's home. (Apart from max 1-2 nights a week). This has been the case for the last year he has been away from the family home.

ExP is very accepting of my presence in her children's life so we have been very lucky in that sense.

ExP is very accepting of my presence in her children's life so we have been very lucky in that sense.

I'll say @ProxyMum

But maybe you should still reel it in a bit, eh? You've been on the scene, what, a year? At this point, any plans for the kids, should be the parents plan.

This would do my head in if I was in your partners ex position, new ish gf posting on mn asking for help to push her to let her baby be away overnight. I get your dp misses them but maybe leave this between him and his ex?!

Put these children's needs first, they need a stable home. Is 50:50 to benefit you or them?

Not sure where you are reading I'm pushing for this.

I'll repeat we (and yes like it or not there is a 'we' in this, as we are in a commited relationship to each other) are not in a rush. I was just wondering how other people had dealt with this so that we don't get it wrong for anyone.

Neither me nor my DP know what exP is going through really and the intention is and always has been to allow her to govern the arrangements, even if that means my DP sobs nearly every night because he has to leave his children.

It wasn't his choice to end the relationship btw. Not that that should make a difference

"Put these children's needs first, they need a stable home. Is 50:50 to benefit you or them?"

I'd like to think children who spend equal time with both parents, regardless of their gender, are the ones who benefit to be fair.

This ISN'T about me!

You sound considerate. But I'm afraid it does read as though you are running before his ex is ready to walk. She and your DP have been separated around a year, the baby hasn't known anything other than his DF to being in the family home. There is no rush to alter that, especially as he is BF.

Of course your DP misses his kids, but he has to put their needs first. And right now the baby needs to spend nights with his DM.

DP seems to have a good relationship with his ex, I'd advise not to rock that boat.

Do you live with DP?

"This would do my head in if I was in your partners ex position, new ish gf posting on mn asking for help to push her to let her baby be away overnight. "

*their baby, it's his baby as well!

Actually I think you sound lovely. Not many would embrace a partners children as you have and you seem to be 100% on board with your partner being a dad first and foremost and that’s to be applauded.

I think you need to take a step back about overnight visits though. Maybe I’d say as much as to drop any idea of it completely for the next couple of years and instead try and make the days as long as possible ? If you are all getting on well perhaps there’s scope for a long day out take kids back to ex and help with bath and bedtime routine ? She may be grateful for the help and it’s all moving in the right direction x

Sorry you and your "DP" need to get a grip. 50:50, he ahs rights - no the children have rights to a relationship with both parents but in a time frame that suits and works for them.

He left her with a 2 yr old and a 4 month old to shack up with you -and his EX is very accepting of you in the mix.
That woman is a saint, to not be creating all kinds of merry hell. Her 2 yr old goes off for ONs with her EX and his straight on the scene new woman, who get to play happy families whilst she does the grunt work. She is a far better person than I am or ever wil be.

so he puts them to bed every night, been there for the night feeds, puking, night terrors etc - no.

Give the woman a break, she had a baby her partner fucks off at less than 4 months after the baby is born, because lets be honest he did not just up and leave, he had obviously been planning it before the baby was born and you to want to get the EX ready to do what you two want.

If he misses his kdis that much he should have thought of that before he left them before they could walk!!

Seriously, if the woman has been that accommodating you two need to back off and stop being so sodding me me m selfish about the whole situation.

the only honest thing you have said is - neither you or the DP know what that woman is going through or the hell the two of you have put her through and please don't tell me she was the one who wanted the split with a 4 month old and a 2 yr old most woman do not know their arses from their elbows at this point - or was he abusive, sperm donor or do you believe every lie he says.

"Proxymum" - are you having an actual laugh?

Your their dad's girlfriend of what I can only assume is a yearish max?

I presume you don't have children of your own yet otherwise there's no way you'd even be asking this. 14 mo old breastfed infant should absolutely stay with his mother, whether dad misses him or not.

You sound like you're a nice person but I strongly suspect you'll look back one day and realise you were way too involved and overstepping.

"Proxymum" - are you having an actual laugh?
What she said.

Moved on quick didn't he for someone so devastated?

My 3 children breastfed until they were 15 months, 3.5 years and 4 yo still feeds to sleep most nights. Over my dead body would they have been away from me overnight. I was admitted to hospital with a severe kidney infection and almost septic. My then 2.5 year old was away from me for 2 nights and took 6 months to get over his separation anxiety. The breastfeeding bond is something you can't understand unless you've experienced it because nothing prepared me for how strongly I felt that my child should not be separated from access to my breast. Expressed milk did not meet their needs effectively because breastfeeding is about more than just the milk.

their baby, it's his baby as well

Yes their baby, not your concern. My point was its her baby, as in not yours.

How long have you been living together OP? It all feels very soon for you to be getting involved.

The 14 month old stays with his mum until he's night weaned, there's no preparing the ex for anything I'm afraid.

I feel the intention of this post has been misconstrued, which I take responsibility for.

My DP (with my support only - no input) fully accepts the situation for what it is at the moment for both his exP and DS. Neither one of us wants to inappropriately upset exP and therefore are happy for her to be the decision maker on all child arrangements. DP does get a extremely upset but knows for now it is what is best for his children and exP. We are not 'pushing' for anything. I personally just wanted to know what is or isn't reasonable so I can offer the best support to all (because yeah I don't have kids).

The exP is ironically demanding more from him (earlier mornings etc), because obviously raising childrenos tough. She always moans that she's the one that has to be awake with them at 5 o'clock every morning because he doesn't show up uptil 9am (to take to nursery during the week, or pick up for the whole day each Saturday and Sunday). He does the nursery run, goes to work and returns to do tea, bathtime and bedtime. She stays out of the way of all of them while he is there. During the day while he is at work his DD is at nursery and his DS is with his mum.

His exP ended their relationship after DD was born. They decided to live separately in the same house for convenience. They had a 'moment' which thankfully produced DS. She has absolutely has made it clear for many years she is not interested in him. He decided that that environment was not healthy for his children and exposing them to a none functional, bone loving adult relationship did them no favours, so he made the heartbreaking decision to leave his home of 16 years and hand it to her and their children.

ProxyMum - is an inside joke me and the DP have (over dog babies to be honest).. So please don't take it literal.

I'd say leave it till she's ready. You don't need to prepare anything or support her in their DS staying overnight.

Your DP has no need to sob when he sees his DC everyday.

When she's ready (and the baby is ready) it'll happen and I'm sure she'll be glad to get a good night's sleep, although if she weaned him off she could do that now.

I may well get flamed for this...but I'm not a fan of prolonged BF. 6 months was sufficient and a baby gets their essential nutrients from other foods.

I often question when women BF for ages, who's benefit is it really for.

On that point, I saw that someone had invented equipment that enables dads to BF, by stimulating the mammary glands. It's still in it's infancy development wise.

If that takes off I can't imagine how it will destabilise what we currently have.

Can't say I agree with it though, as it's unnatural.

I wouldn't want to be involved with a man who was still so raw about the family break up and hadn't yet sorted out contact arrangements with his ex that work for everyone but most of all the children. It's confusing for a child to have the non-resident parent in the family home doing family stuff yet not living there.

Have a read of this and see if any of it rings true. It might not but I'd be very unhappy in your situation as he is an emotional wreck and letting his ex call all the shots. I agree she should call the shots with regards to the bf baby but something is off here. Be careful.

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

You’ll just have to wait I’m afraid. There’s nothing you can do to support the ex except leave her and her baby in peace until such time as they’re both ready to be separated overnight.

His exP ended their relationship after DD was born. They decided to live separately in the same house for convenience. They had a 'moment' which thankfully produced DS. She has absolutely has made it clear for many years she is not interested in him. He decided that that environment was not healthy for his children and exposing them to a none functional, bone loving adult relationship did them no favours, so he made the heartbreaking decision to leave his home of 16 years and hand it to her and their children.

That's what he told you - right?

You do know it is entirely possible that their marriage was limping along as marriages often do when children are very little but after the second was born he decided to leave her as it was boring him. He quite possibly had his eye on you when he did so - not saying for a minute that you were the other woman but in my experience a lot of men need to feel they have another interest before they leave.

I do love the characterisation of him "handing" his home to her and his children. Is that also what he told you?

Let them sort it out. you are his girlfriend of a year. If you are in a deeply commited relationship then he certainly jumped on very very fast for a devoted father of 2 - hardly any time to adjust to the new arrangements before a deeply commited new woman was on the scene. You are probably in the early stages of love and want to be happy families etc with him. Don't. let him sort out his very very young children and think about what this relationship is doing for you.

There's nothing you can do except wait until she is ready. My DS is 11 almost 12 months and I'm not ready for him to be away from me overnight yet , I can't see this changing in a couple of months as in many ways he still feels like a baby to me.

You haven't been together very long and I don't think I'd be happy with the fact you have even met the young children yet, a baby that age can be very clingy towards mum so having someone else there who isn't mum but kind of trying to be a mum like figure could really confuse them ( can I say mum one more time )

As lovely as I'm sure you are I think you maybe are a little too involved , this doesn't concern you and is purely between the parents. All will work itself out and I doubt it's anything other than she's not ready.