14 Month Old Leaving Mum Overnight

[ProxyMum]

My DP's exP won't allow his 14 month old DS stay with him overnight because she says he's not ready to. She allows their 3 year old DD, but she refuses to (I think because she's being separated from her mummy and her little brother).

The little boy is still being breastfed, which I understand complicates things.

How can we support and prepare the ex to allow my DP to have both children overnight?

The exP is ironically demanding more from him (earlier mornings etc), because obviously raising childrenos tough. She always moans that she's the one that has to be awake with them at 5 o'clock every morning because he doesn't show up uptil 9am (to take to nursery during the week, or pick up for the whole day each Saturday and Sunday). He does the nursery run, goes to work and returns to do tea, bathtime and bedtime. She stays out of the way of all of them while he is there. During the day while he is at work his DD is at nursery and his DS is with his mum.

Just say it, you don't think she has it tough at all because you reckon him, his mum and the nursery are doing it all.

He did piss off 8 weeks after she gave birth and still had a toddler to raise. Let's not dress that up as being a noble sacrifice he made for his kids. A few more months through the sleepless nights and into a routine would have been a better choice. He chose to create another baby with her after all .

He did piss off 8 weeks after she gave birth and still had a toddler to raise. Let's not dress that up as being a noble sacrifice he made for his kids. A few more months through the sleepless nights and into a routine would have been a better choice. He chose to create another baby with her after all .

This I'm afraid. OP having a newborn is EXTREMELY hard. And if you have a poor sleeper it doesn't get better for years. I only have one child and struggled. If I was left on my own with a toddler and a newborn I can't imagine how would I cope.

Your DP left at a worst possible time. He should have been there for first couple of years at least. Even if the relationship was shit- as it often is with young children. Be careful. He is not a keeper.

I have a 17 month old that I still breastfeed. He still wakes up several times at night and I can't imagine him being without me, not even with my mom and definitely, not with another woman. There is a very strong bond between a breastfeeding mother and a baby and nobody can replace it. You can not prepare the ex to leave the baby with his father, it will happen naturally one day.

I also read that 50/50 custody is not recommended for children below 2 or even 3 years old, so if you think about the children's wellbeing, it's something to think about.

I find it strange that a father who sees his children everyday sobs every night that he doesn't see them.

I'd like to think children who spend equal time with both parents, regardless of their gender, are the ones who benefit to be fair

Sorry but 50-50 benefits children far less than you'd like to think. Parents like it but I doubt that kids do. Being shuttled backwards and forwards between two houses must be awful.

Ur mistake here was to think that you would get sympathy from MN for wanting to do the right thing and create a long term approach to slowly convert to a 50/50 approach.

Ask again in 18m time!!!

@poppingoff I completely agree. You're trying to 'dress this up' OP, but your post is dripping with cynicism and resentment.

OP, I'm writing this post from my own bed with my 7 year old lying next to me. My hubby is up with our 1 year old. That's the reality of having kids. It could take years for the your dp's children to sleep through the night or feel comfortable leaving their mother. The fact you've said the older child won't sleep over with your DP speaks volumes. Waiting is key - years and years most likely.

Your DP left his ex wife at the worst possible time. I honestly don't know how she copes - it's really, really hard and the lack of sleep is horrendous . She's absolutely doing the hard slog: your partner should be there through the night if he can be as it sounds like he's just doing the 'nice' bits.

It's laughable you're considering 50/50 custody - is the ex wife aware that this is what you're planning? The majority of children I teach come from split families and by far the most unhappy are those that move between houses week by week. Children need a stable base (one).

What were you thinking getting involved with a man whose ex-wife had a 4 month and 2 year old????

What you and your partner can do is give this poor woman and child time. As a stepmum I thought that I knew it all and saw every failing of DHs ex. I bought into the story that yes he wasn't that present when his son was a baby but he was working all the hours he could to provide for him because he cared so much despite him desperately missing his son. His ex cheated whilst he was out earning a living and then became a contact denier. Poor old DH, just wanted to be with his baby. Well, fast forward to us getting married (I'm not ow, DSS is 15 so they'd been separately over 10 years when we met) and having DD who is now 6 month. Low and behold DH was crap and now I get it. I get it because i was exhausted with a newborn and everyone talked about how great DH was for the odd feed or whatever and how much they helped (they didn't) but I was the one doing every night wake, nappy, feed etc. You think you know OP because you sound like a nice intelligent women but you don't.

DD will only be soothed going to bed by me and will refuse a bottle from anyone else. The grandparents constantly ask to have her over night and what can they do to prepare her but the answer is that until she's school age and can express herself there is nothing they can do. It's too little too late. I thought it would all be about me having to suck it up if I miss my baby who would no doubt be having a fab time with her GPs but its not, its about her needs and her being distressed and not confident with that separation. That's without even breastfeeding (couldn't get established as DD was too poorly at birth).

Also 50/50 is a joke that leaves children floating between houses without a stable base. It's about the parent needing half of their children not what is in the child's best interest .

Honestly OP if I was your mum I'd tell you to leave him and find a man who doesn't have all this baggage and can actually offer you a relationship. Certainly don't have kids with him yourself

His side of the story sounds too much in his favour to be totally true.

At this moment the child is too young. I also think it should be build up, so when ready the DC stay for a bit longer each time at his house on a weekend day till they're there almost a whole day, then try out a night. Might take a year or 2 before the child is ready though.

I have to say that his side of the story (which is all it is - his side) sounds very odd - he struggled on in the relationship and then they had a moment and then he left when that moment was a few weeks old 🤔 he also sees his children as they go to bed and then when they are up in the morning (so avoids all the getting up in the night) so sees them as much as any parent would yet sobs himself to sleep because he isn’t seeing them whilst he was sleeping - sorry, I just don’t buy that. Anyway in answer to your question, you don’t prepare the kids, you wait until they are old enough - reception age maybe but even then see what they want to do. And he needs to get a grip, for whatever reason he chose to leave, he sees the kids plenty and needs to pull himself together.

I think your situation is amazing. A mum who isn't set on a battle to exclude you, a dad who is very involved despite a separation from the tomr of birth, both of thrm respecting their privacy. That's a much better set up than what we read so often on mn.

Just keep going as you are. It is still very early. It is likely to happen at any time, one night when baby won't breastfeed anymore and mum welcomes a night out.

Keep going as you are in the meantime.

'His side of the story' happens to actually be the truth as told by both him, his exP and his family.

I have the utmost respect for the exP and her situation and despite some of you putting words in my mouth and reading something that doesn't exist I have never resented her or her position. I am grateful she has welcomed me into the lives of her children, which I have never underestimated must be difficult. She has done it with grace and dignity and flourished in her own life as a result.

I thank each and every one of you for your opinions and views... You have certainly made me aware of a few things that I hadn't thought of... However cynical or attacking some of those points were made.

I will continue with my relationship because that is important to us. Yes, he dared to find happiness and love after having children with a woman who didn't want him and made BOTH their lives miserable.

At 40 years old I am not niave however as the MN mafia are always quick to point out for childless women 'you don't know until you have kids'. So, now I do know a few things. And now I know the best way I can support exP is to give her time. When all his friends and family are telling him he has equal rights I can be the voice of reason and manage those expectations better with an insight into what is best for exP, their children and therefore in the long run him.

I'll apologise that I may have posted this thread in the wrong forum (it was never about me), I'll apologise for the title of the thread which may be misleading, I'll apologise that my original post, and subsequent ones, may not have portrayed the message I wanted.

However I will not apologise for loving a man and making him happy. I will not apologise that we all waited 7 months before I met the children. I will not apologise that I see his children a few hours each week so they can get to know me and feel comfortable. I will not apologise that all that has happened in just less than a year.

Is your self worth so low that this idiot is the best you think you can do?

Why are so many women happy for their lives to be filled with drama generated by losers.

Jeez you see him sobbing every night. He told you she ended the relationship but actually he walked out on an 8 week old newborn. You only met these kids a couple of months ago.

He’s weeping constantly because he’s made shitty life decisions. But you are barely enmeshed in his sad sack situation. Run a mile.

If he's happy why is he sobbing each night??

I can’t speak about the breastfeeding.
My DP was awarded EOW when his daughter was 18 months. It’s a high conflict situation with his ex so, in his case, court was the only way forward and the ruling was an absolute godsend to ensure he had regular contact at his home.
It went really well from the very beginning. Dad and daughter have a very lovely bond. All the signs are that she’s ready for 50/50 now at 4 years old.

Bloody hell. Do women have the monopoly of only being able to miss children?

He is allowed and validated to miss his children and be upset by that. What would you prefer he sods off to his 'new life' and forgets all about them?

He was never allowed to do the night time wakenings with the children. They stayed in the ExP's room with her (despite having their own bedrooms). She didn't want him involved in that as he couldn't comfort them like she could.

They lived together in an environment where they barely interacted with each other. Often had arguments on how to raise the children in such a disfunctional situation. And for what? To be lonely and miserable? Really? Is that the best children should be witnessing in their parents? Mummy and daddy together unhappy (because of them) and inevitably becoming bitter and resentful is better than co-parenting apart and providing more stable home environments separately?

My DP lives for his children. That is his whole world. He left the 'home' for them as much as himself. He didn't want them to be part of a loveless sham. The fact some of you can't appreciate that saddens me. He didn't walk out at 8 weeks old. Apart from actually sleeping at his mum's house instead his bedroom he was still there with the same level of support untl his DS was 6 months old. And now only misses the evening / bedtime routine 1-2 times a week. Him and his exP went to mediation together so the separation was done with as least damage as possible.

His exP and him are so much happier in themselves for no longer just 'existing'. This in turn means the children are enriched. I see no wrong in that I truly don't. And some of your attitudes stun me.

If the other parent is not there overnight it is in no way the same as living there. Are you saying if one of the children was ill she wouldn't have asked for help with cleaning up vomit and changing beds? Bollocks. I'll never forget when I had a vomiting child and a breastfed baby and was having to clean up sick, change beds, try and comfort the vomiting child and breastfeed the baby. Single mum of 3. It's fucking hard and in no way like having a partner in the house, even one who doesn't do much.

"Had a moment"

You are indeed naive, regardless of your age. Please be careful. This is unlikely to end well, particularly for the children.

Op you say your DP sobs each evening he leaves his ex house after after doing bathtime and bedtime. Are you sure he is not sobbing because he misses his ex and the life he had before?

Proxymum, unfortunately you have now seen how many threads on here turn out. A few querying replies, a couple of supportive replies and then a wave of replies that assume your situation, project a lot of bitterness on to you and perpetuate some stereotype of The destructive, selfish ‘other woman’ no matter how much you try to explain yourself.

I wish you well, but this will probably be a longer and more unpredictable road than you hope for. It’s early days and, though I’m sure your intentions are good, planning ahead never works the way you hope. Ride it out, support your partner where you can and keep your eye on the long term. I imagine it will be some time still until overnights are possible and, frustrating as it is, there may not be much you can do on the meantime.

Jesus Christ. Some of you lot really have been fucked over by men haven't you? To think so little of them.

Guess my situation is pretty great actually. So lucky we have all been so civil and grown up realising there is another way for the children. I feel sorry for those it hasn't been that way for. My DP and exP are better parents for being apart.. It really is that simple.

She didn't want him at the house overnight anymore, and he respected her enough to know her own mind. Fancy that, huh? He has never not done anything she has asked (and even more of stuff she doesn't ask).

If nothing else this thread has made me realise just how special our situation is and I take pride in that. Judge DP and me all you like, I invite it. Just make sure you actually take note of the many facts given rather than jumping to your own conclusions. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can accept something on face value for being exactly what it portrays itself to be.

No women do not have the monopoly but when faced with a scenario that is so removed from a reality - we are all, or those with kids questioning the validity of this.

In the first 8 weeks, partners are not much use when you are breast feeding.

As to the woman who says we went to court at 18 months and at 4 yrs old she is ready for 50:50 - seriously! Mine weren't at 4 yrs old and now at 11 and 9 are still not

was never allowed to do the night time wakenings with the children. They stayed in the ExP's room with her (despite having their own bedrooms). She didn't want him involved in that as he couldn't comfort them like she could.

They lived together in an environment where they barely interacted with each other. Often had arguments on how to raise the children in such a disfunctional situation. And for what? To be lonely and miserable? Really? Is that the best children should be witnessing in their parents? Mummy and daddy together unhappy (because of them) and inevitably becoming bitter and resentful is better than co-parenting apart and providing more stable home environments separately?*

Op...it's NORMAL for the relationship to be in crisis after children are born. It stabilises after a while and a lot of couples make it. He should not have left her when children were so young. He should have been there. For the 5am starts. For the emergencies. For letting her go to bed early and having the baby for few hours in the evening.

I did all the nights myself too as I woke up naturally and DH didn't. I could comfort DS immediately too and DH couldn't. What he could do was get up at 5-sometimes 4!!! and let me sleep in the morning. He went to work too. I have no doubt I was making him miserable as I was absolutely exhausted and struggling. Baby woke up every 1-2hrs for a very long time. My DH wouldn't have left me though..Even when I wanted him too. Even when I was looking for flats to move out.

My exH used to sob too apparently. It's called guilt and being unable to reconcile with themselves that they now and forever have two lives and feel torn.

I'm sure the mother doesn't need extra support to make her decision on when to end breastfeeding.

You could consider having a baby of your own.