14 Month Old Leaving Mum Overnight

[ProxyMum]

My DP's exP won't allow his 14 month old DS stay with him overnight because she says he's not ready to. She allows their 3 year old DD, but she refuses to (I think because she's being separated from her mummy and her little brother).

The little boy is still being breastfed, which I understand complicates things.

How can we support and prepare the ex to allow my DP to have both children overnight?

How can we support and prepare the ex to allow my DP to have both children overnight?

You don’t. There’s no we in this. You need to step back and leave it to your DP.

You are just the new girlfriend, so it isn’t your place to be involved.

I don’t think it’s that all the women on MN have been fucked over by men as you put it, but from an outside perspective, he split with his wife weeks after she gave birth. Warning signs straight away.

You are coming into a messy situation (he must of moved on pretty fast)

Tread carefully. Of course he seems nice. You are still in the honeymoon phase!

Exactly Snowflakes1122. It's far easier to see from the outside without the haze of love what is happening or has the potential of happening. OP I think most here are trying to get you to look at things more objectively. I think you sound lovely and considerate but also think this man has pulled the wool over your eyes. No decent father leaves an 8 week old.

Lordy op - you are immeshed in an awful situation - run! I'm not going to say you don't have a clue because you're not a mum. However I will say that you don't have a clue what babies/small kids can do to adult relationships & if they weren't getting on post their dd being born that could have been due to many things inc. pnd, lifestyle changes, lack of sleep etc. ALOT of couples struggle after having a baby & to me it sounds like they had not fully separated when they had their "moment" but rather that they were going through a rough patch where one, the other or both of them were contemplating opting out but hadn't actually drawn a line under their relationship. It sounds like your dp & his ex have a long back history & no matter if both of them are now happy to be separated romantically (however I doubt this) they had their moment which resulted in a pregnancy that THEY chose to see through despite them wanting to separate - or so you were told.
@WhiteCat1704 is right - having gotten pregnant & deciding to keep the baby your dp should NOT have left whatever the circumstances! Of course his ex didn't want him there as it seems he was now seeing you!!! Starting a new relationship when your ex has a baby and a toddler to mind is beyond selfish. Children of that age are not moveable objects - they need stability & consistency & I for one have little sympathy for his tears. He behaved irresponsibly & selfishly - his fault, no one else's.
If I were you I would get out of this situation & wait to meet someone who has his life together. This man sounds like a walking disaster & it sounds like his ex is overwhelmed & quite possibly very confused & just focusing on getting through day to day. Despite what you may think they are not emotionally done as a couple.

I think your intentions are good and you sound very caring.

But I also think you seem quite naive. I don't understand if he was living in the house throughout the pregnancy (caused by 'a moment'?) and before that, even though the relationship was failing, why he left at the time when his wife needed him most, when she had a small child and newborn to look after. The timing doesn't suggest someone with their children's best interests at heart.

My advice would be take a step back and let him and his partner sort the childcare arrangements. Be supportive, but focus on the relationship that the two of you have for now. Other things can come later. Good luck.

Love the idea that you can somehow prepare mum for inevitable separation from her young child. So, as someone who had to do it, I can categorically say nothing at all prepares you and if my now 10 year old child is anything to go by, nothing prepared him either.

As for fucked over by men? To plural, just one man. Big time. You can’t even begin to understand.

"As for fucked over by men? To plural, just one man. Big time. You can’t even begin to understand"

Please don't embarrass yourself. You don't anyone to be able to make that call.

Sorry I read that wrong. I thought you meant I wouldn't understand as it hadn't happened to me.

I am very sorry you have experienced something so bad and scarring (honestly).

Sorry? You’re telling me what happened to me was embarrassing? Or that it was nothing? Or that I should be embarrassed?

Wow. Says it all, really, doesn’t it?

With respect, there is no 'we' here. You are a very new girlfriend who has known the kids 5 minutes. You could split up tomorrow and you'd never see them again. Be thankful that the mother is nice to you and back off and leave them to sort things out between them, they have a long road ahead. I really cannot see the attraction of getting involved with a man with such tiny children, and where they are inevitably still so emeshed in each others lives and things are so emotionally fraught. But if you want to stay with him just date him and see him when he isn't with his kids, let them settle down and find a routine without you.

Yep, losing sympathy now.

Superficially you seem lovely and caring, but then look at your username. At most you are a new girlfriend/partner, why are you calling yourself @ProxyMum? Whose children does that refer to?

My children we breastfeeding to sleep well past 2 years, nothing on earth would have prepared me or them to be separated.

I vividly remember having children that age, my husband working full time and pitching in when he was home. I really struggle to see, if he as involved at home as you say, where the hell the time would come from to get a new relationship to the stage you are at. People with young new families often struggle to maintain time for existing friends, never mind new people!

Either way, their relationship seems to be working for them, the children see their dad most days, and at this age regular contact with both parents is far better than 50:50 could ever hope to be.

I would tread carefully, because as amicable as you think things are, if she gets the idea you are preparing her to be separated from her children, things will go downhill very quickly.

I have apologised for my misreading.

I have explained my user name

I refuse to give blood. So I'll continue to live and care for my DP and his two children in confidence that every party involved is happier than the experiences most of you have had.

I'm out.

Don’t take it to heart OP. Some people on here think mums can do no wrong and fathers and step mums will always be in the wrong.

People can’t help but project sometimes. There are other forums that actually support step mums. I’ll pm you a good one.

In fairness @HeckyPeck many of the negative comments have been directed at the dp & not the op. Many people are just highlighting to the op that she has gotten very quickly embroiled in what appears to be an emotionally messy situation.
I'm not projecting but I am advising caution based on experience.
My exh told the ow that our marriage was over & that we lived separate lives. However he never told me that our marriage was over & we were still sleeping together albeit not as frequently as we once had! - & in her defense I don't believe she thought she was the ow - I think she naively believed him. We separated because I couldn't handle his drinking anymore & found out he was having an affair. He then told me (post our separation & during a discussion about our kids & her role in their lives) that he wasn't serious about her but he couldn't split with her at that point as her dad was ill. However, at the same time I heard from a friend of his gf's mother that they (my exh & his gf) had gotten quietly engaged & were waiting for the right time to tell my kids!!!! 🙄
I genuinely think getting with a person who is leaving or has just left their partner is opening yourself up to a whole lot of complications as separations often take a very long time to settle & often the person instigating the separation hasn't grasped the reality or consequences of their leaving & sometimes doesn't know their arse from their elbow or what they want. Throw small children or babies into the mix & you have a very unstable & highly emotional situation for all involved.

He might be crying because he misses his ex tbf

I wonder how many 'moments' your DP and his ex wife are having when he's round there playing happy families every morning and evening?

Look no one's saying people with children should have to live like monks in the event of a relationship breakdown but common sense surely says it's best for all when you conclude one relationship before starting another

If you want to think that you and your situation are special then you go ahead but one day you will likely have your own baby and you will see things very differently. A lot of these stories aren't about women being fucked over by horrible man. My DH is actually a lovely man but after a difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth, near loss of newborn DD, near loss of me, postnatal depression, DHs depression, sleepless nights, more hospital visits, feeding issues etc etc etc, relationships are challenged. I have a new found sympathy for his ex because I thought I knew but I didn't. I also made it all about the mother. She blocked contact, she did xyz but now I have my own baby I can see that even way before she was 6 months she had her own opinions and personality. I couldn't leave her with anyone, even my own parents. She would scream and refuse to feed. I wont do that to her to appease anyone else.

If you think that's a uniquely difficult situation, it isn't. Half of our antenatal group are so traumatised by birth and the early months post baby that they either considering changing their family plans or hiring a private doula next time.

His ex is doing a fantastic thing breastfeeding his child which will improve their health outcomes across the board. Your DP seems very focused on his own needs and how this affects him. DD had to have formula due to feeding issues and sleeps through a 6 months (although if she woke and I wasnt here she would scream the house down) but the EBF babies are still waking up to 6 times a night to be fed to sleep. Its their food, their comfort, their connection to their mother and none have any intention of stopping. Just stop for a minute and pop yourself in her or the child's shoes and try to see their POV.

OP of you read most thread here, very few canxlsim tgey have established a good and respectful relationship with the ex. You have and that something special few can claim.

What better proof that she wasn't abandoned and treated badly by your oh.

Of course he is entitled to cry leaving them. Men are perfectly capable of experiencing the same feeling of attachment and loss than mums. Would anyone comment on mum's crying whrn they leave their babies at hospital overnight because it hurts them to be away?

Don't read anymore OP and keep going as you are. There are many many more years of opportunities for your oh to be part of his kids' life and be a great father, he just needs to learn to be patient and consider what is best for them rather than him.

@swingofthings - I was 'abandoned' by my exh (he left and was unreliable with money & access for about 18 months/2 years post leaving). Our youngest had just been diagnosed with a lifelong health issue requiring regular drug administration & hospital/gp visits. I was left handling all of this plus 2 devastated & bewildered other children while exh was off living the highlife with the ow & yes, crying & whining because he couldn't see his kids every day 🙄, & I can honestly say that I look back and wonder how on earth I coped. But I did.
I have a perfectly good working relationship with the ow who is now his dw & I always have done as she's infinitely more on the ball than my exh.
Being able to be adult enough to put the kids needs first and get on with an ex's new partner is NO indication of not being treated very badly by said ex!

Well said Magda72 - for 2 yrs my life resembled a Hollywood drama where most of the events the script writer would have chucked out for being too fanciful - sadly they were not. We lurched from self made OW drama to drama, self inflicted unperceived hurts, faked pregnancies, exclusion, cancelled bank accounts, forgery, emailing, reporting to social services and more that I have forgotten!

I get on with my EX and his new DP for my DCs - it has no relation to the absolute train wreck he and the OW made our lives.

Another well said Magda - I keep it very respectful with my Ex but he is an irresponsible fool. I just keep that to myself.

OP there are mini bells ringing when I read your posts. This situation does not sound healthy, happy or good for anyone, including you. I especially distrust his version of the ‘happy accident’ of living together whilst separated. And then for the good of all left while she was pregnant? What on earth is going on. This is a man without good boundaries. Or a man who is acting maturely or responsibly towards his Ex or kids.

Please don’t prop him up, emotionally, which includes supporting him in being overly eager to be 50/50 of a baby who isn’t yet weaned even. This isn’t good. I think the mother needs stability. Her head sounds all over the place and your DP is not helping. I hope you do read this as it’s not an attack on you.