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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I being grumpy with regard to nosy children?!

99 replies

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 16:42

First time posting on step-parenting, so please be nice to me! I’m just after some perspective really, as to whether I am grumpy and expecting too much of children, or whether my boyfriend is being a bit lenient with his.

I was out and about earlier with my boyfriend and his 4 year old daughter. We (my boyfriend and I) were having a conversation quietly about something as we were walking along, while his little girl was holding the hand furthest away from me. Not anything ‘secret’, but something that wasn’t relevant to his little girl and that she wouldn’t have been interested in anyway! So we’re walking along and mid-way through my sentence his little girl said to me “What are you talking about?” so I said “Oh I’m just talking to your Daddy at the moment” and smiled at her and tried to carry on. She then asked again and I said “Well it doesn’t really matter too much, and I’m just talking to daddy at the moment.” Then she asked again, and just as I was trying to think of a way to explain to her nicely that it wasn’t really any of her business what we were talking about, her dad (who I had hoped was going to back me up!) told her what it was we were talking about. I gave him a bit of an exasperated look and when he asked me what was wrong I pointed out to him that I had been purposefully trying not to tell her because it wasn’t really any of her business. He then said “But children don’t understand things not being their business.” Now I do understand that children are not ‘aware’ of things like that in the same way that adults are (I work with children, but older ones than her), but surely it is at points like this that you try and explain it to them? I was hopeful he would say “We are just having a grown up conversation at the minute, I might be able to tell you a bit about it later” or something along those lines, but no. His older daughter will also attempt to listen/join in conversations between the two of us that we are clearly trying to have privately (generally they are to do with making plans for potential nice things to do with them!) so it’s not just the little one. I think by that age (she’s 9) she should be old enough to know that it is quite rude to interrupt a private conversation between 2 people (whether they are adults or children) and ask what they are talking about.

My parents were in general quite strict with regards to manners though (they are big fans of the “I’m
talking about you, not to you!” phrase) so I don’t know whether I’m just being a bit picky and expecting too much. Thoughts?

OP posts:

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Original poster

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 17:50

I have never said that at the age of 4 she should be expected to know the nuances of things being rude or not rude. It was more a case of was I in the wrong to attempt to explain such things (incredibly poorly, it seems) to her when she had asked me a direct question.

And it seems I was, so end of discussion I guess! I am grateful for everyone’s input, even if some of it has made me feel about 10 years old!

OP posts:

RescueRemedy21 · 18/02/2019 17:56

Sorry if I was blunt, I have young children and I see their interest in adult discussion as a way to talk to them about new things (house, money, plans) and their curiosity and need to be involved as a step in their social development. So if they want to join in I explain things in simple terms.

ElevenSmiles · 18/02/2019 17:57

Not her business.....not very child friendly OP.

TheMightyToosh · 18/02/2019 17:59

I don't see why he couldn't just say you two were talking about boring grown up stuff and leave it at that. Children don't have to be brought in on every adult conversation, and there's really no harm in exchange a few words in their presence about something that doesn't directly involve them! I wonder if some of the reactions on here would be different if you were the child's mother.

Springwalk · 18/02/2019 18:02

It is bad manners to have a private conversation in front of anyone, much less his curious daughter.

If you want to ask private questions you must wait until you are alone.

I would not want to be with someone who was this unkind to my child. You can’t really ‘learn’ to kind op.

Original poster

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 18:07

@ElevenSmiles I didn’t tell her it wasn’t any of her business, as I’ve said before. Because it would have been rude. I did say it to her Dad as way of explanation but by that point she was marching ahead looking into shop windows and shouting about our topic of conversation being boring so there was no way of her hearing. I might be grumpy but I’m not that insensitive

@RescueRemedy21 No problem, I do see what you mean completely. I guess it was a conbination of me following my own rules and also trying to set a good example. I’d also have felt bad if I’d answered her question and her dad had said to her “Now now small one, we have talked before haven’t we about how it’s not good manners to ask people what is it they’re talking about/interrupt their conversations.” as I would have felt I’d not been supporting his parenting! It’s happened before, the other day when she asked him to pick her up and he said no, you’re a big girl, you can stand etc. So then she asked me if I would pick her up and because I hadn’t heard their previous conversation I did. Which obviously wasn’t ideal...
But thank you for your advice

OP posts:

poppingoff · 18/02/2019 18:12

I gave him a bit of an exasperated look and when he asked me what was wrong I pointed out to him that I had been purposefully trying not to tell her because it wasn’t really any of her business.

I think I'd have walked away from you at that point.

She was right there. Walking with you. She hadn't come bursting in the room during a private conversation. I understand it's infuriating having children interrupt. But all you had to say was "hold on a wee moment and I'll explain". Then tell her when you'd finished. You were more interested in making a point and asserting your perceived authority over her. There was absolutely no need.

If I'd been walking down the street with two of my friends and this interaction took place, say I'd come out the shop, or popped back from the toilet and they were mid conversation, and they continued that conversation and replied to me like as you did, I'd have found them to be extremely rude. If they don't want me to part of a conversation, don't have it where I may over hear. It's no different when it's a child. They still deserve respect and kindness.

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 18:12

Ffs, she wasn't being unkind!

I'm in 2 minds about this. I think what most people srexdsyibg is fine when they're 4 but when do you draw a line? I say this because DD is 9 and I'm seeing a few if her age group who still think it's fine to be nosy and involve themselves in everything. Not so cute at 9. So I can see where the OP is coming from.

But anyway, clearly no harm done.

winniestone37 · 18/02/2019 18:13

She's 4. You're being unreasonable, mean and grumpy. Slow clap on not butting into convos' yourself but you know - you're an adult. She has behaved like a child with childish curiosity, there's no reason for you to do the same. If I knew you're boyfriend I'd tell him to run for tbe hills.

swingofthings · 18/02/2019 18:17

I wouldn’t try and join in what seemed to be a private conversation though
But it wasn't a private conversation. You were walking, the three of you next to each other, how can this be defined as private? Add to that the fact you were taking about something she knows about, how was she expected to understand that it want something for her to be involved with? Nothing wrong using this time to explain what a budget means.

I totally understand your boyfriends puzzlement because you were totally in the wrong to bring something up with him that you didn't want her to participate in when you were out the three together. Why couldn't you wait to be with him only to have conversation?

EspressoX10 · 18/02/2019 18:17

"I'm talking about you, not to you" is awful. Terrible manners.

Talking about someone when they're present and expecting them not to get involved is just appaling.

Mumshappy · 18/02/2019 18:17

I dont think your being unreasonable. I was a step mum for ten years and am a mother of three.

SoyDora · 18/02/2019 18:19

I dont think your being unreasonable. I was a step mum for ten years and am a mother of three

What difference does that make?

poppingoff · 18/02/2019 18:20

I’d also have felt bad if I’d answered her question and her dad had said to her “Now now small one, we have talked before haven’t we about how it’s not good manners to ask people what is it they’re talking about/interrupt their conversations.” as I would have felt I’d not been supporting his parenting!

And if that's true, I don't understand why you gave him your exasperated look, when he's just shown you exactly how he wants to parent her. How is exasperated like supporting his parenting?

Original poster

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 18:21

@RiverTam that’s exactly my way of thinking! I thought it was better to attempt to deal with things like this when they are really little so they’re always aware of it. And I only answered her because she was talking directly to me It’s a bit like nose-picking, you tell children from when they’re really tiny that it’s not nice to pick your nose in public. You don’t let them do it until they’re 6/7/8/9 because they’re only little and then suddenly go ‘Actually, it’s not nice to do that. Don’t pick your nose please.’ because it’s surely confusing?

But apparently I was wrong!

I’m going to go sit quietly now and stress about my potential decline in to Wicked Stepmother-ness...

OP posts:

ReaganSomerset · 18/02/2019 18:25

If I were in a group of four I wouldn't try to have a private conversation with any one member of that group, regardless of age. I consider it to be rather rude tbh.

Letthemysterybe · 18/02/2019 18:32

I agree with Greensleeves. You are expecting of your sd what was expected of you. But Have you fully examined that? I always thought my parents were good parents and that I would parent in the same way. When I saw friends children running around noisily I judged the parents for failing to discipline them because good children = quiet children. I surprised myself when I had my own children and realised that I didn’t actually want to parent in the same way as my own parents. I now think that helping my children to be confident, friendly, outgoing is much more important than them being seen but not heard.

Jackshouse · 18/02/2019 18:35

It is very bad manners to exclude someone from a conversation. Did your parents not teach you that?

wyoudo · 18/02/2019 18:36

She’s just 4 years old!! YBVU

Original poster

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 18:45

I would agree it was rude to exclude one person from a conversation if you are sat around a table, for example. But when you are all outside, walking in a line thinking your own thoughts and doing your own thing I don’t think it’s especially for one person to say something quietly to another person and for that to morph in to a brief conversation, no. And I don’t even think it’s necessarily that rude for the other person to ask what the conversation is about, but I think they have to accept they might be rebuffed! I guess I have a different view to some other people though.

But there is no harm done. She did not realise what I was attempting to do, she found out what the conversation was about and was entirely disinterested. My boyfriend certainly does not seem to think I am unreasonable or unpleasant, and I am aware that by the general consensus of Mumsnet I was being unreasonable. There we go!

OP posts:

AmIOTTconcerned · 18/02/2019 19:01

I have a four year old and they are exasperating but I'd be quite upset to know this annoyed you enough to post about it.

It's good your asking though.

AmIOTTconcerned · 18/02/2019 19:01

You're !!

Mammajay · 18/02/2019 19:06

You are talking about a 4 year old as though she is an adult. Are you seriously not aware of the difference?

Original poster

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 19:08

@AmIOTTConcerned it was more a case of me being worried that my reaction was wrong! It really was an entire non issue at the time, I’ve just been over thinking it because that’s what I do...

What people seem to be misunderstanding (or maybe I’m not explaining it very well) is that I wasn’t actually bothered/ cross/annoyed by her asking at all, as I would have no right to be. I’m aware that she is only little, and curious about stuff. Nobody has brilliant manners when they’re only 4, I do realise that! I showed no sign of being upset or frustrated with her at all, because I wasn’t. What I did want to know was whether I was being unreasonable in my attempts to politely not tell her what I was talking about, or whether that was perfectly acceptable or not. But I think I’ve had that answered now!

OP posts:

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 18/02/2019 19:14

It is very bad manners to exclude someone from a conversation. Did your parents not teach you that?

What bollox

Are you saying you have never had a conversation with someone when others were present?

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