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Original poster

Am I being grumpy with regard to nosy children?!

99 replies

BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 16:42

First time posting on step-parenting, so please be nice to me! I’m just after some perspective really, as to whether I am grumpy and expecting too much of children, or whether my boyfriend is being a bit lenient with his.

I was out and about earlier with my boyfriend and his 4 year old daughter. We (my boyfriend and I) were having a conversation quietly about something as we were walking along, while his little girl was holding the hand furthest away from me. Not anything ‘secret’, but something that wasn’t relevant to his little girl and that she wouldn’t have been interested in anyway! So we’re walking along and mid-way through my sentence his little girl said to me “What are you talking about?” so I said “Oh I’m just talking to your Daddy at the moment” and smiled at her and tried to carry on. She then asked again and I said “Well it doesn’t really matter too much, and I’m just talking to daddy at the moment.” Then she asked again, and just as I was trying to think of a way to explain to her nicely that it wasn’t really any of her business what we were talking about, her dad (who I had hoped was going to back me up!) told her what it was we were talking about. I gave him a bit of an exasperated look and when he asked me what was wrong I pointed out to him that I had been purposefully trying not to tell her because it wasn’t really any of her business. He then said “But children don’t understand things not being their business.” Now I do understand that children are not ‘aware’ of things like that in the same way that adults are (I work with children, but older ones than her), but surely it is at points like this that you try and explain it to them? I was hopeful he would say “We are just having a grown up conversation at the minute, I might be able to tell you a bit about it later” or something along those lines, but no. His older daughter will also attempt to listen/join in conversations between the two of us that we are clearly trying to have privately (generally they are to do with making plans for potential nice things to do with them!) so it’s not just the little one. I think by that age (she’s 9) she should be old enough to know that it is quite rude to interrupt a private conversation between 2 people (whether they are adults or children) and ask what they are talking about.

My parents were in general quite strict with regards to manners though (they are big fans of the “I’m
talking about you, not to you!” phrase) so I don’t know whether I’m just being a bit picky and expecting too much. Thoughts?

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Sirzy · 18/02/2019 16:45

Don’t talk about it with her around if you don’t want her asking questions!

If your all out together than excluding her for conversation isn’t that nice either.

sweatybettee · 18/02/2019 16:46

You're over thinking out with the 4 year old. Mine does this sometimes and it's a bit like 'why?' Just asking for the fun of it. I just say 'we're talking about money/Theresa May/ daddy's work' etc.

If you start trying to teach them about appropriate subjects etc every time you'll be in for a long conversation...

Perty01234 · 18/02/2019 16:46

Yeh you ABIU kids are naturally nosey, my 3 year old is. If you speak about something in front of then expect them to listen and want to have an input. If you don’t want them to know talk in privae

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 18/02/2019 16:48

If you wanted to have a private conversation without her involvement, you should have had it when she's not around. No point whispering to each other with her right there, and then complaining about her manners when she's curious to know what's being said! She may be a child, but she's still a person!

sweatybettee · 18/02/2019 16:49

And yeah, don't talk about stuff you don't want them to join in with around them

GregoryPeckingDuck · 18/02/2019 16:50

Don’t you think it’s a bit rude having a private conversation in a group? How would you feel if you were the one trying to be sociable and join the conversation?

WhiteCat1704 · 18/02/2019 16:50

My 3 year old wants to be involved in EVERYTHING and as soon as me and DH are trying to talk he does everything possible to get our attention on him and not each other...I think it's quite normal at that age..

Summer135 · 18/02/2019 16:54

I think it's quite normal at that age for children to ask what you are talking about. If you don't want them to listen or ask questions, best to talk when they are not around. If a child was to say to an adult 'don't be nosy, I'm talking to my friend', they would get told that it is rude. They just want to join in with your conversation.

Whereareyouspot · 18/02/2019 16:54

You were being rude to her by excluding her when she was right there. Imagine if her and her dad did the same to you and then avoided answering when you asked.

And at four she won’t get the concept of polite company not pushing when you clearly evaded the question she will just ask again.

Get the feeling you might struggle with the whole step mum to a little one thing.....

BlueMerchant · 18/02/2019 16:55

I think it's normal for kids to ask and try to join in a conversation. I think it's rude to exclude a 4yr old from the conversation who is right next to you. If someone did that and responded as you did to my child I would be fuming. I suspect you wouldn't be very happy if one of the girls was chatting to her Dad and excluded you and wouldn't tell you what was being said.

Original poster
BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 16:55

I wouldn’t have a long, in-depth conversation with someone while walking around town, it was a question (me to him) that resulted in a few lines of dialogue back and forth. I am quite willing to be told I am being grumpy and unreasonable, but I really don’t think we were being rude. Adults talk to each other about adult things surely, when children are about? Especially in the context of walking from one shop to another?

I would never sit in a restaurant or cafe or somewhere and have a conversation that they weren’t part of. That would be exceptionally impolite!

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 18/02/2019 16:55

She’s 4, YABU. You think it’s rude to invade a private conversation, but I think it’s quite rude to have a private conversation when someone else is present. If it’s private, wait until you’re alone.

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 16:55

Would you have done that if you'd been walking with another adult, say a sibling of one of yours?

Children should be taught not to interrupt, I agree. However "I'm talking about you not to you" is absolutely terrible manners, and at least as bad as interrupting - it sets a very bad "do as I say, not as I do" example.

RescueRemedy21 · 18/02/2019 16:58

Change this to the child being an adult (I know she isn't but for the sake of teaching social interaction and politeness). 2 people are speaking, third wants to join in but doesn't know what the are speaking about (an adult would listen and wait but a child would simply ask). One of the two people refuses to allow third person to join the discussion and makes a point of ensuring they know they are excluded.

Whose manners are you worried about?

Original poster
BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 16:58

@Summer135 if they phrased it like that I would think they were rude, yes, but if they said they were having a private conversation I would be a bit embarrassed I’d been corrected on my manners by a child, but I wouldn’t push it at all. Children are also entitled to have conversations Smile

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 18/02/2019 16:58

I think it's Ok to have a short conversation with a child there but unless it was something urgent (e.g. life threatening emergency), as she's only 4 I would have stopped that conversation and had one I could include her in.

Original poster
BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 17:02

@blueskiesovertheforest I would have told my sister she was being nosy Wink But I don’t think she would be as blunt as to ask what we were talking about. You never know though!

And no, I would never use that phrase to a child. It was always said in a very joking way by my parents though (often paired with a wink or an eyebrow wiggle) but it did serve as a reminder that we were being nosy!

OP posts:
Original poster
BoredOfRainyDays · 18/02/2019 17:07

@RescueRemedy21 I wouldn’t try and join in what seemed to be a private conversation though. If it was at some sort of social event where people are mingling then it’s different, but if I walked up to two people talking I wouldn’t ask them what they were talking about.

This was really the point of my post, to find out whether I was being a bit grumpy and expecting too much based on what I perceive to be polite. And it sounds like I was! Smile

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 18/02/2019 17:11

If you don't want a 4 year old to ask what you are talking about, don't have discuss it in front of her. It's quite simple.

Would you have a conversation in front of another adult that you didn't want them to know about? No.

The only difference is, the adult would understand what you are saying and not have to ask. A 4 year old will be inquisitive/nosey because they are learning and want to know about things.

It's not rocket science

SilviaSalmon · 18/02/2019 17:12

Sounds like you think children should be seen and not heard!

Crockof · 18/02/2019 17:13

Yabu children are naturally inquisitive. Also she is not your child, her behaviour and her dads response is not up to you

Summer135 · 18/02/2019 17:13

@BoredOfRainyDays Yes totally agree that children are entitled to have their own conversations too. However, as an adult if you don’t want a 4 year old to listen or join in with your conversations do it when they are not around or can’t hear you, that’s all. I think you might be expecting too much 😊

Juells · 18/02/2019 17:14

Poor little four-year-old :(

anniehm · 18/02/2019 17:17

If kids are in earshot assume they are part of the conversation, she sounds very normal, not nosy!

woollyheart · 18/02/2019 17:17

Most children are nosy. Yes, you are being grumpy.