Fortnite causing 50/50 issues

[Wallywobbles]

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly. But any suggestions welcome. We have my DDs 100% - zero contact with their dad. DSC every other week so 50/50 and often considerably more.

DH had acrimonious and long (4y) divorce. ExW cheated, possibly multiple times. She has a history of really outrageous lies and slander, including of me and my kids so I'm not her biggest fan.

DH was the primary kids carer in the marriage and did all nights, mornings, school runs etc.

In November DSS (10) got Fortnite for his birthday at his mums. I said to him that I thought this was a real mistake and that it was a shame as it really is so all consuming. And that I thought it might end badly.

His mum gave him some vouchers for computer game stuff at Christmas and he was furious because it wasn't Fortnite stuff. (I don't really understand about that).

All kids have Netflix and tablets here, (but no computer games, PS4 or XBox etc) and all screens off 1 hour before bed. Fairly unlimited screen time at weekends. DSS now spends every minute he's allowed with us watching videos of Fortnite.

This weekend his sister (13) told me that DSS had said to his mum he no longer wanted to come to us because he's bored. I had a chat with him to establish what it was really about and it's because he doesn't have Fortnite here.

So I said to DH that I felt he really need to talk to DSD and then DSS. Obviously DH is really hurt. The kids are his world. He's an awesome involved Dad. The opposite of a Disney Dad. He puts in the time and the effort always. Very big on discipline, manners etc

They are mostly brilliant kids. Fortnite has not been a force for good though.

DH is currently seeing a psychologist and I join about once a month so we can work through stuff as a family so I'm glad he's got some support.

My feeling is DSS mum is going to be delighted and as she just quit her job will be encouraging this for maintenance payments. That might make me sound awful but some of her behavior has been really appalling and so inappropriate. Shes bought a house with her boyfriend and his early 20s son who is a unemployed gamer who dropped out of school. DSC aren't keen on her boyfriend but like his son. We like the boyfriend well enough although hear that he takes the piss out of us fairly relentlessly.

Any suggestions for what next? What have others done when a kid wants to come less (and for such a pants reason)?

Wow people are being ridiculously judgemental!

Something you’ll have to get used to on here as a step mum unfortunately. For some posters step mums are wrong no matter what.

It’s not uncommon for kids with separated parents to try and play them off against each other or to threaten to go and live with the parent with less rules.

You can’t afford a console so he can’t have one. End of story. He’s happy to try it on his phone.

I’ve seen posts on here from mums where their kids have said they want to go an live at their dad’s because they can stay up late/do what they want and the dads get completely blasted as terrible parents. You can’t just change the rules because one kid threatens to not come any more. Kids aren’t meant to have that level of control and it doesn’t make them happy in the long run to give in.

Thanks @HeckyPeck. He tried on the phone last night. I think it'll do for the moment. He was very pleased. My kids are predictably saying it's bloody unfair. Which it is.

His Mum rang me today, mostly about DSD, but also about limiting fortnite. I'd been in touch with her DPs son so DSS could have the same access codes. All good I think. At least for the moment.

I’m glad it seems to be working well and that the mum is on board about limiting fortnite.

Do they think it’s unfair because they want to play fortnite too or is it having a better phone?

It's that he's the youngest by 4 years. Has to have access to a better phone for it to work. That he might get a console before his birthday while they have to wait til birthdays for phone upgrades. The rule for the other three was phone when they go to collège. That rules been totally blown in his case. Collège's still 9 months away. That he was perceived as being babied and spoilt even before this. That he's blackmailed us into doing this and that that worked.

So the outcome is that he's got what he wants and they resent him even more. They're massively pissed off with me for not sticking to the rules. It's not exactly a winning result for the family as a whole to be honest.

Goodness. This thread highlights the stark differences between UK and France.
It sounds too regimented and miserable to me.
But I do have ds's that play fortnite far too much!

Yes I agree its very different which I think changes how the thread has gone.

Average age for a phone in the UK is 10.3

Could the phone be an early birthday/Christmas present to make it equitable? Or if you could afford it, get them either upgrades or something relating to their hobbies?

I wouldn’t be getting him a console (unless I could afford to get the other kids something of equal value.)

He has the phone, that is the compromise.

They're massively pissed off with me for not sticking to the rules

Maybe they need reminding that they have different parents and therefore different rules.

Whilst I know you want the best for your kids, video games whether console or pc based are a huge entertainment sector now, and no worse than watching Netflix or regular tv. Yes age ratings need to me considered but at 10 to not have access to any form of games is very tough. Games don't have to be violent remember. No wonder he wants to be at his mums quite frankly - we all play games here and it's far more interactive, better in my opinion than passively watching tv.

You obviously need to bring up your kids your way but preteens and teenagers play games, it's a huge part of the entertainment sector these days.

I don't think he's blackmailed anyone. He's 10. He just has a simplistic view of things and that view is that he gets to play games at mums, so that's where he'd rather spend his time. He didn't even tell you he didn't want to come. It was his sister.

Everyone has a birthday between oct and Jan. So the upgrade boat has now sailed til October.

He's had an iPad for 3 years at least so he's always been playing games just not fortnite. Average salaries are also much lower here by a good 10k.

For what it's worth when the kids do club sports activities in the uk they win the prize for the most helpful/kindest best sportsmanship etc so maybe the French ways are not all bad. I think the French are more strict generally. I've never seen kids tearing round restaurants, supermarkets etc.

School days are much longer right from the get go. I think many uk kids would be shocked by school life here. No telephones allowed during school hours. When my DD1 did a week at a uk boarding school last year she thought it was very feely feely softly softly with a general lack of authority.

The blackmail issue is how the other kids view it. Not him. He can be a bit manipulative but it's not malicious. They're all good kids.

Maybe they need reminding that they have different parents and therefore different rules.

This. I get that the girls don't have their biological father around but they do have the benefits of a consistent family, two parents present, and one home. Their stepbrother doesn't. Plus if they already all have phones, he doesn't have something they don't, it's that they are annoyed he got it earlier than they did - is that right? (Does he actually have a phone now, or is he being allowed to play the game on yours? - the latter is what I thought was happening) It isn't unusual for the rules to be relaxed for the youngest in a family, as many an elder child will testify

I think if your daughters are generally sound kids, they'll come to see that actually they have many advantages he doesn't.

I have a 17 year old. When he was in y6 (age 10-11), a mobile phone for that age was a brick that wasn't even a touchscreen. When his sibling was the same age 6 years later, all kids had some sort of smartphone. It's common for youngest kids to get stuff earlier because they are exposed to more older stuff earlier and the price of these things are cheaper.
Add to that the fact that he's the only boy. I think that if the older kids were boys, there would probably be a console or gaming pc at your house already. The girls (especially the younger ones ) will have benefitted from #1 being female as it will have conditioned you to think of some things from a girl-perspective. I have 2 sons and 1 daughter. At the end of y11 (age 16) they have a prom. It will cost much more for my dd to attend because girls need dress, shoes etc where as boys will cost less eg they can reuse school shoes and younger son can wear older son's suit. I love them equally but in this case they will be tested differently by me because of their sex.

The son didn't blackmail anyone. Technically this happened because one of the girls told you what she (over?)heard.

I think the eldest feels particularly pissed off. She has the shittiest phone right now because DD2 and DSD have January birthdays one day apart (both 13) and got phone upgrades. DD2 is paying 50% of her upgrade.

DSS is using a "spare" phone which doesn't have a sim so using my hotspot as I have unlimited data.

We will trial it. And then talk. But I've said quite clearly that we won't be spending 300€ on a console before a birthday or Christmas.

And as it turns out his mum wants him to play less at his house too because it's not making a particularly nice person.

I don't have much advice but I wanted to add some support for you with the console thing. My children are DS 19, DS 17, DD 12, DS 9 (10 next month), DD 8, and DS 5, and DSS 9.

My two older boys have consoles and TVs in their rooms. There are no TVs in rooms for the other children. We have an Xbox in the living room. That's it.

My oldest daughter lives with her dad and is only here every other weekend - when she lived here there were strict rules in place about screen time and phone time. Since she's o my here every other weekend we have relaxed this rule and she can go on her phone when she likes provides she puts it down and interacts with us all at dinner, and generally is available if spoken to, etc. We dont see a lot of her if she's busy on her phone.

All the children have tablets at their dads. They go to his once a fortnight. They are on said tablets from wake up to sleep time. Their behaviour when they get home is atrocious and all they talk about is bloody YouTube!

We got them all tablets and portable DVD players for Christmas hoping that we could allow them on a reward basis. They generally get the tablets every other weekend - when DSS and DD come - on a Saturday if we're not going out as a family. The DVD players we allow on the Friday and Saturday evenings to go to bed with. If there is any bad behaviour they're off the tablets for the weekend. They are only allowed on the tablets in the same room as DP and I and YouTube is banned.

DSS has everything at his house. Xbox, Xbox one, tablet, he has had (and lost) a phone, he has brothers that play fortnite etc. He speaks nothing more than YouTube or fortnite when he is here. It's depressing. My children talk about YouTube when they get back from their dads. It might be boring for them but as a family we encourage creativity and reading and watching movies as a family, I think a real issue with giving kids consoles and TVs in their rooms is causing a huge amount of isolation. DSD has brothers at home and never spends any time with any of them. He's always alone in his room and he tries to replicate that when he comes here. It's a struggle to get him to interact properly as it takes him a couple of days to settle into it and by the time he has he has to go home again. The holidays are somewhat easier when he's here for longer.

I don't think you should cave and let him have fortnite at yours. He's there to see his dad. So he should do that. I think your DH needs to say that the rules will be stuck to regardless of whether he wants to come or not. When he's 16 he can make his own decision but until then a father takes the place of a console and he will be seeing him as usual. It might cause a bit of a ruck but routine helps kids more than they realise and breaking it would be upsetting for everyone.

for you, it sounds a bit rubbish really.

Sorry, that should say DSS has everything at his home.

Also, having had a quick skim of the rest of the thread, your family meals sound marvellously enjoyable. Lovely.

Also - I reread my post about "family movies" - this happens maybe once a week here. Kids are in bed by 7.30 every evening and asleep a half hour later.

He's there to see his dad. So he should do that.

He's at his dads more than he's at his mums, so the dads hardly being done out of any time together. That's like me telling my son he can't play Xbox/go to football/B.B. because he's here to see me 4 nights a week. And there's nothing to stop the dad playing with the son on the console.

@Giesabreak

I thought it was 50/50 care? The weekdays are out, clearly but the weekends he's with dad should be with dad.

I just don't think it's an age appropriate game and given that my children all behave terribly once they've had the luxury of screen time I can fully understand how his mother is saying he's not very nice while playing it so she wants to lessen his time on it. This can only really mean no console at dads and no playing it at dads.

@FatandSassy

OP said DSC every other week so 50/50 and often considerably more.

My point is no child should have their time dictated to them in that way, simply because they have to go between parents. If that rule applies at both houses, the poor kid can't do anything because he should be spending his weekend time with the parent.

@Giesabreak

Ah Thankyou, I obviously read it wrong.

I don't know, in my case it's easy because we only see DSS once a fortnight and then he has to see his dad, not slope off to play a console for hours on end.. I suspect there's not going to be an easy solution to this for the OP, it all sounds a bit complicated and difficult doesn't it

Thanks @FatandSassy for saying it sounds like family meals are good. Mostly they are. And the more we actually get to talk with the kids the happier they seem to be honest.