Fortnite causing 50/50 issues

[Wallywobbles]

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly. But any suggestions welcome. We have my DDs 100% - zero contact with their dad. DSC every other week so 50/50 and often considerably more.

DH had acrimonious and long (4y) divorce. ExW cheated, possibly multiple times. She has a history of really outrageous lies and slander, including of me and my kids so I'm not her biggest fan.

DH was the primary kids carer in the marriage and did all nights, mornings, school runs etc.

In November DSS (10) got Fortnite for his birthday at his mums. I said to him that I thought this was a real mistake and that it was a shame as it really is so all consuming. And that I thought it might end badly.

His mum gave him some vouchers for computer game stuff at Christmas and he was furious because it wasn't Fortnite stuff. (I don't really understand about that).

All kids have Netflix and tablets here, (but no computer games, PS4 or XBox etc) and all screens off 1 hour before bed. Fairly unlimited screen time at weekends. DSS now spends every minute he's allowed with us watching videos of Fortnite.

This weekend his sister (13) told me that DSS had said to his mum he no longer wanted to come to us because he's bored. I had a chat with him to establish what it was really about and it's because he doesn't have Fortnite here.

So I said to DH that I felt he really need to talk to DSD and then DSS. Obviously DH is really hurt. The kids are his world. He's an awesome involved Dad. The opposite of a Disney Dad. He puts in the time and the effort always. Very big on discipline, manners etc

They are mostly brilliant kids. Fortnite has not been a force for good though.

DH is currently seeing a psychologist and I join about once a month so we can work through stuff as a family so I'm glad he's got some support.

My feeling is DSS mum is going to be delighted and as she just quit her job will be encouraging this for maintenance payments. That might make me sound awful but some of her behavior has been really appalling and so inappropriate. Shes bought a house with her boyfriend and his early 20s son who is a unemployed gamer who dropped out of school. DSC aren't keen on her boyfriend but like his son. We like the boyfriend well enough although hear that he takes the piss out of us fairly relentlessly.

Any suggestions for what next? What have others done when a kid wants to come less (and for such a pants reason)?

At 10, I wouldn't say it's up to him how much time he spends where – for this specific reason (they make decisions based on video games) among many others (if they have a say, they suddenly feel a responsibility for their parents' feelings, which isn't fair on the kids).

Do your DP and DSS's mum have a proper agreement in place?

Get a legal agreement in place of at least a mediated agreement - if the mother will agree to mediation. Fortnight is addictive, I have an 11 yr old.....

I should have said, I feel completely feel for you, I have major issues because my ex lets my son have unlimited screentime at his house two days a week, so of course I'm the baddie when I set time limits. My ex refuses to put any consistent boundaries in place between the DC's two homes - believe me I've tried to persuade him. The arguments that I think the majority of parents are having with tweens about screens are 100 times worse if they spend regular frequent time with one parent who has no boundaries. I'd love to know an answer!

In November DSS (10) got Fortnite for his birthday at his mums. I said to him that I thought this was a real mistake and that it was a shame as it really is so all consuming

You said it to your DSS? Or your DP? Because if it’s your DSS you have no right whatsoever to complain about the ex’s partner saying things about your household when you’re doing exactly the same.

You can’t control what goes on at mum’s house, nor who she buys a house with. You can acknowledge his interest and allow it in your house with some behaviour caveats, perhaps? You mention screentime is ‘fairly unlimited’ so why not let him play the game he enjoys?

I have an 11 Ds so get the fornite thing .

That said can I ask how old your dc are? Are you doing things that interest him ?

Is there more issues going on here as dh is seeing a psychologist?

I also think you need to look and plan a way forward at 10 he has little say however it won’t be long till her does?

Maybe it is time to sit down with dss and dsd about agreed limits .

Do you and your h ever plan to buy a games console? Im not saying that you should have Fortnite in your home but it's unusual not to have access to a console and I know from experience how much bots socialise with friends online- especially at secondary school.

Are you sure that his Moaning is to be taken seriously? My kids moan about going to their Dad and complain about being bored but have been like this for years.

So he can't participate in his hobby at your house? I'd be bored too if someone took away my console.

There are legal agreements in place so that's good. They've been in place for 6 years.

Kids are DD14, DD13, DSD13 and DSS10. He's the only boy, which must be bollocks. None of the girls are particularly girly. But he is a bit isolated.

Screen time is in the car in the morning and evening in the week (hour commute). Weekends it's 9.30 am to 9.30pm. But we do quite a lot of stuff as a family and in our house he is always willing to help, lay the table, do DIY with DP etc. He is always in the kitchen. I think he likes/respects me because I let him be a bit more "grown up". He's fairly easy to peel away from his tablet but loves it with a passion, different from the girls somehow.

Computer games beyond what available in his age range on his iPad will not be coming into our home. This is the rule for everyone.

Psychologist is in part about the blended family in part managing 3 "modern" teen girls for someone who grew up in a rather old fashioned "father knows best" household with 4 boys. I felt that DP was close to getting depressed and asked him to see someone. The psychologist was recommended by the amazing psychiatrist I saw after my divorce 11 years ago. I've been to see psychologist with DP twice and it's been fantastic and v interesting having an outsiders perspective.

DP thinks that DSS sees me as a mother role model as his DM is a bit chaotic. I have a good relationship with both my DSC but I'm not trying his mum and we are all clear about that.

Computer games beyond what available in his age range on his iPad will not be coming into our home. This is the rule for everyone

Wow. How bloody depressing.

Maybe depressing but Facebook and instagram was 13 for all the girls.

I have to say then you need to be prepared that your DSS's view will be taken into account in the not too distant future, and that may include not coming over.
Gaming is a huge huge part of life now (I have my own console as an adult and love it!), my step son had consoles at both houses, it was limited times at both but his was of relaxing was that.
It's even worse for him as he has one at his mums and not yours.

Maybe depressing but Facebook and instagram was 13 for all the girls.

How is that relevant? My 14yo hasn't been allowed Facebook until now, but he's had an xbox since he was 7. Totally different.

You ARE isolating him by not allowing him a console.

I am no huge fan of fortnite or gaming in general but you are isolating him from his friends essentially for a week at a time everytime he comes to you. No wonder he’s fed up.

You have got to be a bit more flexible here. Being so dogmatic about games is tempting I know but it will set your DSS apart from his peers. Listen to him.

If you concede a bit on this one but set it to no more than X hour on a weekend or 30 moment after homework in the week then he will see you care about his interests.

Likely he won’t be fussed about IG or FB- my teen boys don’t have any of that but they do like games where they chat to their friends from school so we set limits and they adhere the to them and all is rosy.

Although it's possibly valid to view it as a hobby. I don't think we view it like this. So that's a really valid point of view.

His mum is technologically challenged- can't order school photos because it's done online. Can't open documents on her computer. Can't get any of their information about school because it's all online or through an app. There's is no way she's capable of putting adequate protection in place. He talks to total strangers online.

Then you'll be able to improve and control that if he has a console at yours.

Does DSS get to see his friends whilst he is with you? It seems from an earlier post you mention a 1hr commute? Does this mean he has no one to play with whilst at your house?
If so I can completely understand why he is unhappy.
At 10 whilst he may still enjoy helping out around the house and doing some family things, he is getting to the age where friends and being part of the social circle is really important. I expect Fortnite is the main method of communication amongst peers outside of school, as they are all a bit young for social media yet. He is probably bored and feeling left out with his friends. I think I would rethink the no console rule.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver
I'd be bored too if someone took away my console.

As someone that is into gaming in a big way.

You need to get a life if gaming is your only outlet.

Well we are going to trial it for a week on a iPhone 6s to see if that works for the evening journey home.

We live in the same house (more or less) that he was born in. His mum moved away. He has friends here and they come over. Very rural area though.

He also does archery and handball (France) so gaming is not his only hobby. But right now it's clearly top of the bunch.

Longer term though I think it's going to mean having a mobile phone subscription etc. And no one normally get a phone before college which isnt until September. I think we might end up with different issues as he's going to end up using a better telephone than DD14 (iPhone se). I suspect while we might solve one issue we are creating another.

You're going to trial Fortnite on the iphone?

I wouldn't bother. It's being able to talk chat as they play that they enjoy. I'd really just get him a console. Then he can also play Fifa, etc.

I think you need to loosen up a bit. Fortnite isn’t the work of the devil you know. If that is what he’s into right now, how about you get him to show you and talk about it.

You need to get a life if gaming is your only outlet

Where did I say it was an outlet? That's right. I didn't. Where did I say it was my only outlet? Oh! I didn't.

I have a life - I'm a teacher doing a PhD. I have many hobbies and gaming is one of them. I stand by that I'd be bored if someone took away my console. Sometimes I want to game, sometimes I want to do other things. Gaming is a popular and social hobby.

Hes the only boy in the house.
You have said he is a good kid who helps around the home , does family stuff and comes off his tablet when asked.

What is stopping you from allowing him to play a game he enjoys?
You can have time limits in place and if he abuses them the game is removed.

I am just not seeing the reason why a good child is banned from something that most children enjoy.

I have 4 dc and the 3 youngest all play fortnight. They have screen time restrictions and it does not affect family life. When they first got it it was all they wanted to do but after a few weeks the novelty wore off.

Oh, and Fortnite on a phone? Absolute waste of time and money.