Fortnite causing 50/50 issues

[Wallywobbles]

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly. But any suggestions welcome. We have my DDs 100% - zero contact with their dad. DSC every other week so 50/50 and often considerably more.

DH had acrimonious and long (4y) divorce. ExW cheated, possibly multiple times. She has a history of really outrageous lies and slander, including of me and my kids so I'm not her biggest fan.

DH was the primary kids carer in the marriage and did all nights, mornings, school runs etc.

In November DSS (10) got Fortnite for his birthday at his mums. I said to him that I thought this was a real mistake and that it was a shame as it really is so all consuming. And that I thought it might end badly.

His mum gave him some vouchers for computer game stuff at Christmas and he was furious because it wasn't Fortnite stuff. (I don't really understand about that).

All kids have Netflix and tablets here, (but no computer games, PS4 or XBox etc) and all screens off 1 hour before bed. Fairly unlimited screen time at weekends. DSS now spends every minute he's allowed with us watching videos of Fortnite.

This weekend his sister (13) told me that DSS had said to his mum he no longer wanted to come to us because he's bored. I had a chat with him to establish what it was really about and it's because he doesn't have Fortnite here.

So I said to DH that I felt he really need to talk to DSD and then DSS. Obviously DH is really hurt. The kids are his world. He's an awesome involved Dad. The opposite of a Disney Dad. He puts in the time and the effort always. Very big on discipline, manners etc

They are mostly brilliant kids. Fortnite has not been a force for good though.

DH is currently seeing a psychologist and I join about once a month so we can work through stuff as a family so I'm glad he's got some support.

My feeling is DSS mum is going to be delighted and as she just quit her job will be encouraging this for maintenance payments. That might make me sound awful but some of her behavior has been really appalling and so inappropriate. Shes bought a house with her boyfriend and his early 20s son who is a unemployed gamer who dropped out of school. DSC aren't keen on her boyfriend but like his son. We like the boyfriend well enough although hear that he takes the piss out of us fairly relentlessly.

Any suggestions for what next? What have others done when a kid wants to come less (and for such a pants reason)?

Sounds a thrill a minute for teenagers OP. He's clearly unhappy but it's ultimately your choice whether to let him have a console, be prepared for him to stop coming if you say no however 🤷‍♀️

It's never really come up. When his friends come over they play LEGO, meccano, handball, bikes, scooter, trampoline. Outside mostly unless it's raining then they'd watch a film. Today friend and he played fortnite monopoly, handball with Dad, watched a film.

Cross posted there - so the family time seems to be around eating together (which he'd still do, I wouldn't disagree with that) not sure what else is so important that he would be missing out on?

Children that age are using fortnite to talk to their friends. If he's isolated from his friends for half of his time no wonder he doesn't want to come.

Same timetable pretty much for teens. They have horses so they ride at weekends. Wednesday one does gym for 2 hours, other DD is in the federal team and trains for 5 hours. Another DD is in an exam year and has quite a lot of work to do on Wednesday afternoons.

He has archery stuff here, indoor target, indoor handball goal, both pretty costly and for his interests only. So I think that comment was unfair. His dad does that with him. Maybe not often enough.

Wednesdays are half days.

Occasionally non team teen stay in town on Wednesday afternoon with mates. Occasionally they'll train into town at the weekend. It's a big town. Of late it's been unsafe at weekends due to the yellow jacket massive protests.

At mums DSC are at home on Wednesday's. DSD is meant to do some cleaning when she gets home at 1pm. Mum was working (has always pretty much worked). DSS is quite often home alone from 7 am to 1 pm when DSD gets him.

The real difference in terms of gaming is that at weekends at mums the DSC stay up till 5 am or so.

You can't have downtime in a car, that isn't relaxing. What does he do after 7pm? Surely he can fit in an hours gaming here and there? If he's 10 what time does he go to bed? About 8.30/9pm? Dinner and shower doesn't take that long....give the poor lad a break!

Home at 7. Supper 45 mins (psychologist said this was the absolute minimum we should be aiming for), shower, teeth 15 mins. Talking to Dad etc. Bed at 8.30ish cause they're all up at 6. I'm up at 5.

I'd say that the hour in the car when he plays on his tablets and watches videos on fortnite in the car are downtime. An hour a day on screens in the week seems enough.

CommonSenseMedia have some very good articles explaining Fortnite, why it's so popular and also its dangers, likewise screens in general. You might like to read those OP.

You aim for 45 mins dinner? Why are you aiming for a time? Surely it takes as long as I takes? 10 mins or 30 mins...

Why does a tired 10 year old who has been out for 12 hours have to have a minimum 45 minute meal? Why can't he just eat and then go and relax for a while?

Thanks I've read the commonsensemedia stuff. They recommend 13.

Guys this is France. Meals take time. They have a 2hr lunch break and a 3 or 4 course lunch from preschool up here. Sorry but 10 mins is not going to be acceptable in any home here.

Sorry but 10 mins is not going to be acceptable in any home here.

Surely what is acceptable in a home is determined by those who live in it? You won't be having long meals with him if he stops coming because he gets no downtime.

Dss plays lots of Fortnite when he's not at yours because his life is too busy when he's with you. Time in the car is not downtime! Most adults find it the most stressful time of the day for a reason. As he gets closer and closer to being a teen, alone time becomes more important. My personal experience is that being in the car is a great time to talk because your child is trapped with you and you're not making eye contact so you can discuss difficult topics without embarrassment. It's a great time to catch up on gossip, share each other's musical likes and dislikes... If he currently sits in the car with earphones on watching YouTube then why are you opposed to gaming with a headset? Do you not remember being a teen and enjoying alone time?

OK you said whilst your DSS is at your house, he spends his free time watching Fortnite videos on Youtube. It sounds like he'd rather spend at least some of this time playing Fortnite and talking to his friends about it.

If you do want to resolve this problem, then it might be an idea to think about how to facilitate this, rather than raising objections to every suggestion.

I'd suggest a second hand console for this next birthday / occasion, if that's affordable for you.

Why is sitting with your family eating and laughing and talking not ok? Culturally here 10 mins would be a very odd meal. And what about the rest of us. We do it together, everyone participates. This is our family time.

I'm not sure this is helping. We will not be buying a whole bunch of expensive stuff outside of a birthday or Christmas. Absolutely not fair on the other kids. He asked for archery equipment this year and so that's what he got. He didn't ask for a console.

I think this whole thing is going to create absolute fucking chaos with the other kids.

Meals can take as long as you make them. You seem to be raising an objection to everything that is said instead of seeing how you can facilitate a relaxing evening for a very full on day. Why do you live an hour away from school?
Why don't you ask your dss whether he would like a meal lasting 45 mins or half that time and the rest spent on relaxing? I know what my tired dd would say.

I think the problem is that everything is so regimented down to the fact that downtime is in the car and a psychologist has a recommended minimum time for dinner (why presumably for your husband).

So I have to say chaos for you seems to be everything not going according to a strict schedule - I am surprised he is the only one who is challenging it

1poppy thanks. I'll talk to his Dad. I did try and facilitate this pretty quickly by saying I'd try it out on the phone. DSS pleased about this. But then everyone says no you need to buy a console etc. Which we can't at this time.

Our evening meal times were about 30 mins but the psychologist said it really wasn't long enough so we've been adding in some family game elements to help it last longer.

Why do we live an hour away? They used to go to the local school but it's crap. The school is bloody amazing, but you don't just up and move a farm. It's half way between us and the mother. The school has been amazingly supportive with DSS dyslexia he has 2 appointments a week before school with a speech therapist and the school have meetings with her every year.

He didn't ask for a console.

Computer games beyond what available in his age range on his iPad will not be coming into our home. This is the rule for everyone

Well he wouldn't when you have such rigid rules in place, would he?

Oh OP, relax! The poor child has to have downtime on a car journey and then spend time in a household that seems to work to a timetable, of course he's pissed off!

Try a console, try a game, impose strict limits/times on it if you must. What do you think is going to happen?

Sorry, but this sounds like hell on earth. My DS is 10 and he has hobbies and clubs but a lot of the time he just wants to be at home in his own space, chilling out. Watching TV, reading or playing games, having tea when it's ready, eating at his own pace and not being forced to spend time with people every single night for nearly an hour, just for food. Children need downtime. They need space and just time to be. It sounds regimented and awful.

I certainly wouldn’t be buying a console because he wants one instantly.

My Ds was chatting to his friends on fortnite on phone the other day .

X box is weekends here only.

Yes consoles are generally part of his life but with limited time in the week he won’t spend it all online . He had 31/2 hours on it today, 2 hours here and a couple at friends yesterday.

I think foreeward thinking here is important but he doesn’t need to get what he wants instantly

Fair enough, just have a blanket no console rule. But don't be surprised when he doesn't want to come over because he's not allowed to socialise with his friends in the way that most children his age are socialising with their friends these days. I have a step son of the same age and if we told him no consoles while he's here we would never see him. He loves coming here, because we respect that he loves fortnite and other games and we allow him to play. He self regulates very well and he's learning valuable lessons from us on how to balance gaming with other interests. I don't see why it's so hard to respect a child's interests even if you don't necessarily share them yourself.