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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fortnite causing 50/50 issues

99 replies

Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 16:26

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly. But any suggestions welcome. We have my DDs 100% - zero contact with their dad. DSC every other week so 50/50 and often considerably more.

DH had acrimonious and long (4y) divorce. ExW cheated, possibly multiple times. She has a history of really outrageous lies and slander, including of me and my kids so I'm not her biggest fan.

DH was the primary kids carer in the marriage and did all nights, mornings, school runs etc.

In November DSS (10) got Fortnite for his birthday at his mums. I said to him that I thought this was a real mistake and that it was a shame as it really is so all consuming. And that I thought it might end badly.

His mum gave him some vouchers for computer game stuff at Christmas and he was furious because it wasn't Fortnite stuff. (I don't really understand about that).

All kids have Netflix and tablets here, (but no computer games, PS4 or XBox etc) and all screens off 1 hour before bed. Fairly unlimited screen time at weekends. DSS now spends every minute he's allowed with us watching videos of Fortnite.

This weekend his sister (13) told me that DSS had said to his mum he no longer wanted to come to us because he's bored. I had a chat with him to establish what it was really about and it's because he doesn't have Fortnite here.

So I said to DH that I felt he really need to talk to DSD and then DSS. Obviously DH is really hurt. The kids are his world. He's an awesome involved Dad. The opposite of a Disney Dad. He puts in the time and the effort always. Very big on discipline, manners etc

They are mostly brilliant kids. Fortnite has not been a force for good though.

DH is currently seeing a psychologist and I join about once a month so we can work through stuff as a family so I'm glad he's got some support.

My feeling is DSS mum is going to be delighted and as she just quit her job will be encouraging this for maintenance payments. That might make me sound awful but some of her behavior has been really appalling and so inappropriate. Shes bought a house with her boyfriend and his early 20s son who is a unemployed gamer who dropped out of school. DSC aren't keen on her boyfriend but like his son. We like the boyfriend well enough although hear that he takes the piss out of us fairly relentlessly.

Any suggestions for what next? What have others done when a kid wants to come less (and for such a pants reason)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:04

The problem with a console is that he can only play in the car during the week. We leave home at 7 am and get back at 7pm or a bit after) Shower, supper, bed is the way it works here in the evenings for everyone, including us. School finishes at 6 (homework is done at school).

OP posts:
Notquiterichenough · 20/01/2019 20:12

I think the thing you may be missing is that the game itself is only one part of it. If he's playing with a headset and chatting to his friends, then it's his social life that's the key thing.

My eldest started playing FIFA when he was 11, partly so he could stay in touch with his primary school friends. They all moved over to Fortnite.

Today was a typical Sunday for him - team sport for two hours in the morning, lunch, homework, couple of hours on Xbox chatting to friends.

If we'd banned consoles completely, he'd miss a huge part of his social life. It doesn't stop him doing sport, doing family stuff, doing homework.

Honestly, I'd buy a console and lay down your house rules for it.

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:23

How much is that going to cost? Big presents are for birthdays. Can it not be played on a computer? We don't really have sitting room or a tv. I know that sounds weird to others. But we've never missed it.

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 20/01/2019 20:28

It's a shame that you didn't post this before Xmas because that would be great timing for a console. Don't bother with the iPhone version. It's not the same experience as a console. He needs access to a TV, console, headset, online subscription and controller. The game can be downloaded for free. The "best" console is the same one as his friends so he can talk to them while he plays.

You could make this a family console rather than just his?

goldengummybear · 20/01/2019 20:29

If you have a gaming PC then you can play that way but is your computer a decent spec that can run recent games?

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 20:32

You don't have a sitting room or a tv and he is out of the house 7am to 7pm. No wonder he doesn't want to be there!

Bluestitch · 20/01/2019 20:33

My son (10) plays Fortnite on the PC with a headset. He chats to his friends on there, it's a big thing at their age and I'd hate him to be left out. Your DSS will soon be at an age where his wishes regarding contact would be taken into account too.

Bluestitch · 20/01/2019 20:35

Just seen no TV or living room. Sounds like a right barrel of laughs.

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:35

7-7 is pretty normal in France. Same at his mothers. He just doesn't do any sports there at all.

OP posts:
Giesabreak · 20/01/2019 20:36

What time does school start? Is it Monday to Friday?

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:38

So basically he's going to be completely removed from family life with a load of expensive gear with a headset on. Yup sounds perfect. None of the girls are interested in gaming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:38

School starts at 8 finishes at 6.

OP posts:
Bluestitch · 20/01/2019 20:42

So basically he's going to be completely removed from family life with a load of expensive gear with a headset on

Not necessarily. My son isn't removed from family life by playing Fortnite. He goes to activities, plays with his sister, has movie nights with us, does baking etc. He also plays Fortnite and chats to his friends. Sometimes kids need to chill out and do stuff they enjoy, your DSS sounds like a good kid who has long busy days. Why not let him do a bit of gaming?

Giesabreak · 20/01/2019 20:45

No, not every kid who plays Fortnite has abandoned their family. It's just needs managed properly. He may choose to remove himself from family life permanently if you don't compromise and allow him to play with his friends the way kids do nowadays.

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 20:50

Yes I appreciate that but Monday to Thursday the phone is the only option. And it sounds like this is a pretty expensive hobby in the scheme of things.

OP posts:
WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 20/01/2019 20:50

He's out of the house 7am-7pm and then it's shower, supper, bed?

When does he have a life? When does he have down time?

Atleastihavethecat · 20/01/2019 20:52

Does he have a console at mums? Sorry if you've already said, but memory like a sieve! If he does then I'd just get another one of those. That way he can use the same account in both homes, so he as access to all the tiers etc that he'd have earned through playing the game.

Fortnite is a social game, and as long as steps are taken around time limits and online safety, there's no reason for it to be the big bad wolf media outlets are trying to portray it as.

Also, if his friends are playing and he isn't, not only is he left out of the game itself, but he'd be left out of the replay conversation the next day as well.

Raven88 · 20/01/2019 20:53

I would stick to your rules and not buy him a console. Some time away from Fortnite is good. I see my niece playing it and she is locked in.

Owlettele · 20/01/2019 20:53

I don't think it's depressing that games above age level are not allowed nor that games are not the be all and end all in this part of the family. I think it makes great sense and good for you!

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 20/01/2019 20:54

God it sounds dire at your house. No consoles, no tele, no sitting room, homework, bath and then bed through the week No wonder the poor lad doesn't want to come. You need to unclench OP.

Misty9 · 20/01/2019 20:56

What is the norm for comparable families you know - i.e. French rural living families? With daughters of those ages you must know friends with sons? Do you know whether all his friends have consoles/fortnite?

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 21:01

Currently downtime is in the car, and weekends. He also spends Wednesday afternoon doing sport and Wednesday morning with his maternal grandmother. DM has fallen out again with her DM so we facilitate contact.

We eat as a family, no screens, no phones. We talk etc. We have family meetings if there are issues that the kids want to discuss. We cook together etc. We have a small farm. It's a different life to many, particularly in the uk, but pretty common locally.

Next year he'll have school Wednesday mornings too.

This is just the way it is here. Mothers and fathers work, parental leave is 13 weeks post birth, school starts at 3yo and fits round working day do people can work. Childcare is hugely subsidized until 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallywobbles · 20/01/2019 21:02

At mums her DP's son has a gaming computer it's console I think.

OP posts:
BluebirdHill · 20/01/2019 21:03

Ok, I don't allow my DSof a similar age to play Fortnite. But I do think you're being off with him in some ways here. You've said

he's going to be completely removed from family life with a load of expensive gear with a headset on

Where and when is this 'family life' taking place, given that you've said you're out 7-7, you don't have a sitting room or TV, and it's supper, shower and bed when he gets in? What would these family interactions be that he would miss out on?

None of the girls are interested in gaming

So he can't have an interest of his own / money just spent on him? Do the girls have to share an interest with at least one of the others before it's deemed worthy?

As I said, I am not a fan of Fortnite as such, but I do think you're showing yourself quite unwilling to accommodate him or accept that he might diverge from your family template in anyway. And that must be a factor in him not wanting to come.

NorthernSpirit · 20/01/2019 21:03

Haven’t read all the posts.....

Fortnight shouldn’t be used by children under 12 years old. He’s 10 - too young to be using it. You can’t control what goes on at mums house but you can control what goes on at yours.

We have the same challenge. My 10 YO DSD is on it constantly at mums (his sister tells us he wakes up at 6:30am to play for an hour before school). IMO that’s unsuitable. We limit screen time at ours.

At 10 YO he’s too young to be making adult decisions about contact. If the mother doesn’t make him available go back to court and let a judge decide if a video game is more important than contact with a father.

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