Differences in income/family wealth

[Letterkid]

DP and I both have 1 child each, both same age. Been together several years, my DS lives with us and we have DSS EOW.

Everything is very smooth, everyone gets on well, however DSS mum is very wealthy. DP and I earn roughly the same but nothing compared to DSS's family (DPs ex).

Wealth difference was never an issue when the children were toddlers but now I feel like it's not fair on DS to have this person in his life rubbing his nose in what he doesn't have. DSS goes to private school, has been to disneyland US 5 times, and goes on multiple luxury holidays a year to Dubai etc he does extra circular activities every day, he lives in a large house and his mountain of presents at xmas was shocking.

I understand that it's a life lesson you can't have everything, but for DS to have to share his room with DSS who talks about all these holidays and toys as he wants to share with his Dad, just seems mean to DS?

Does anyone else have this issue? I don't want to resent DSS for being privileged but it definitely makes me feel bad not being able to let DS have the same as his step brother

It’s really not his fault you’re step child’s mother earns more than you do and tbh it comes across you’re more resentful of what he gets from Mom. What he gets at his mom house he is separate from your house, he is you’re dp son and should be treated equally whilst in that household, your ds only shares at the weekend is that really such a hardship for him? Where is your ds df?

I have ds from a previously relationship he does very well from both sets of parents, his df works full time as does sm so he gets loads at their house, plus two holidays this year one with me and one with his df he also went away before Christmas to centre parks. I’m not remotely resentful that my other dc don’t get the same as him but in my household they are all treated the same.

It isn't really fair for a step mother to refer to her DSS as "not fair to have ...this person in his life"! This person is your partner's child and comes as part of the package!!

It will be for you to explain to DS that not everyone has the same amount of money and that he will always know people with more than him and people with less than him. Perhaps talk to him how career choices and doing well at school will give him options as he grows up.

Both boys have different advantages and disadvantages. DSS might find it harder that your son lives FT with DSs’s father than your son finds hearing about DSS’s holidays. Also that your son is around when DSS wants to spend time alone with his own father. Likewise, the fact that DSS has EoW contact with his father when your son, from the sound of it (?) doesn’t see his own might be harder for your son than the disparity in incomes.
You’ve got to find a way to get over the resentment. If you’re happy with DS’s education then it doesn’t actually matter what DSS’s education is like. (Children aren’t usually resentful about private school, in my experience, they hear about things like increased amount of homework or stricter rules and are horrified.) Likewise, there are plenty of extra curricular activities that are free or inexpensive, and your son could do some of those if he would like to be busier after school. If you can’t get over the resentment then it’s not fair to any of the children involved.

Do you not think it may be very difficult for your dp’s son to see his father living with another boy and that boys mother?

but now I feel like it's not fair on DS to have this person in his life rubbing his nose in what he doesn't have

Missed this until someone pointed it out what do you want op for the step child to go away? You are in serious dangerous ground if that’s the case don’t let you’re resent which I believe is you’res not your ds spoil you’re relationship and cause unnecessary issues that are currently not present in you’re relationship.

I dont think you sound resentful at all, your stepson does sound like he gets spoilt alot and I get how that makes you feel if you cant afford it, by the sounds of it he gets alot more than the average kid.
Could you afford to save up and take your son on a nice break without stepson somewhere really fun?

Thanks Somerville - that is the kind of advice I was looking for in what to say to DS.

I've bought someone (my DP) into my DSs life and like most mums, question everything I do! I'm just worried in that my desire for a relationship with DP and having him and his DS as part of our family, it would be negative for DS.

Both children are treated exactly the same at home, I just question myself when DS is crying that he thinks it's not fair he can't go to disneyland, or why cant he have a bike or a nintendo.

I was hoping to see if any others were in similar situatuons and how they handle it.

What does your dp think about it?

I don't think I've explained my thinking very well.

I of course don't mean for DSS to just dissapear! If DP was willing to ditch his son because his girlfriend complained then thats a major issue!

I mean DP and DSS are in DS life because I want them to be. And if they're upsetting him (even not intentionally) it does make you feel like a bad mum

Its natural to question ourselves on whether our choices are right for our children. And instigating a blended family makes it imperative to keep open dialogue between everyone, so it’s really good that you are. But it also means dealing with our baser instincts of envy or insecurity - you won’t be able to help DS if you can’t help yourself.
There have been times in my teenagers lives when I’ve been fairly wealthy and other times when i’ve been bread line, but when I ask them their all time favourite holiday it’s the week camping in Wales in the rain because we had so much fun with board games and camp fires. It’s sharing experiences with their parents that is valuable to children, not the £ value of the experiences.
Stop every time you hear about something fun that DSs has done with his mum and think about a happy memory of something you’ve done with DS. Or with both of them.
If this feeling of resentment lingers you genuinely should think about some counselling. Because it will gnaw away at your relationship with your partner otherwise.

DP thinks the same as me and is sad we can't give the same advantages to DS but neither of us would expect DSS not to talk about toys/holidays with DP since thats an enjoyable part of his life he wants to share.

There is no 'solution' and I'm not going to bankrupt myself trying to keep up, but was interested if anyone was in the same scenario and how they dealt with things.

Also, think about practical things that could help. Does DSS get lots of time one on one with his dad? If they did that for, say, every Saturday morning then it will give them time to catch up and DP can hear aaaaalllll about how Judo and violin lessons are going and what his housemaster said in his report and the new holiday Mum just booked, without your son being around to hear it. If there is any element of DSS saying things in front of DS to compete for his dad’s attention then that will solve it too.
And while that’s going on at home you and DS go and do something fun. It doesn’t need to cost any money, just enjoying each other’s company and experiencing something fun together.

So he's sploilt yet you wish you give your son the same, so what else is it but being envious? Why not focus on the positives? Your oh is under no pressure to give more to his son than yours or pay extras. Maybe one day your dss will be in a position to help your ds financially and of course, your ds has the same opportunity to do well in life and earn a lot of money if that's what he aspires to.

Saying that, your sa should show some appreciation of his luxurious life and shouldn't be rubbing it into your ds nose. It's fine to tell his dad but could they go out together somewhere when he first see his dad and agree that he tells him all then so your ds doesn't have to be there to hear it all.

When I was growing up a part of my family was (still is) extremely wealthy. I’m talking country piles, custom sports cars the works. Every time we would go to their house, it was very clear what they had and what we did not have.

My advice? It’s a very real reality and the only thing you can do is constantly reiterate that you love your DS and explain that some people have more money than others. It shouldn’t matter to you how big a pile of presents he had at this house, it’s nothing to do with you.

It’s the way of life (take a look at the rich kids on Instagram flaunting their families obscene wealth), every teen on the planet sees these images. It’s an opportunity to teach children that yes, money is important. After all if gives us warmth, food, security. But it shouldn’t be elevated above anything more than that.

As an aside, you do realise that your DSS only sees his dad 2 (maybe) 3 nights a week out of 14? Your DS sees you and this boys dad every night. Is it possible that this child is ‘bragging’ about what he does get, to in some way (without realising) compensate for the fact that he doesn’t get to see his dad as much as your son does?

All the money in the world may not be able to fill that gap. Be grateful for your blessings and don’t focus on something that you have no control over and has nothing to do with you.

Your DS isn’t your DP’s right? If that’s the case you need to toughen him up mentally for this as any future half-siblings may also be treated differently in terms of finances by his family if not him (indeed if you split up your DP might not even want to be involved with your DS). You need to tell DS everyday to be grateful for what he has, and not to compare himself with anyone else. I also suggest doing more nice things with him — if he wants to go to Disney, take him to Euro Disney!

I agree. There's always someone who has something more than us. My son used to moan non stop about how "everybody" has a video game console except for him. People around don't have to be wealthy for us to feel that they have something more than us and the only thing that helps is to be grateful for what you have, so it's a life lesson for him. If your relationship with your boyfriend is otherwise good, then you're not traumatizing your son by involving him in it. You can do nice family activities and if your SS is not spoilt, you'll all enjoy them and that's also a lesson: money is not everything!
Having said that, maybe it's not a bad idea for your partner to teach your SS to be a bit more sensitive too (depending on his age).

Having three holidays a year vs being able to see his DF every night and every weekend? I think your dss would much prefer the latter.

My ex and I split up when DD was 3. he started a new relationship with a woman who wasn't as financially well of as myself. The woman would constantly complain to my ex that our DD goes to private school (fully paid for by myself, uniform and school trips included) she felt it wasn't fair her 3 children (one of which they have together) didn't have that opportunity. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford holidays and again she would often make comments about how unfair it was on her children. They decided to have a family holiday and our DD wasn't invited as "she has enough holidays with her mum" my daughter was left absolutely devastated and felt like she wasn't a part of their family, this has caused years of problems and she now has almost no relationship with her father because of this. So whilst I understand it can be hard for you DC to hear. The situation needs to be considered from everyone's angle. This can cause serious problems for all involved.

You can't expect his ex to parent differently or for him not to talk about his home life and experiences. If you want those for your son too you could retrain for a better job or take on a second one if it means that much to you.

I imagine DSS would far rather have his parents back together where he could see his dad every day rather than a holiday.

I don’t think you sound resentful, I just think you feel bad for your son.

We’re in a similar situation but not to the same extreme. DSC wear designer clothes and get an absolute fortune spent on them at Xmas at their mum’s.
But from my experience the kids aren’t really bothered about all those things, they prefer camping holidays with us instead of a fancy hotel, they just want quality time with their family.

I’m sure your son probably isn’t too bothered, have you spoken to him about it?

In life you’re always going to get people who are better off than others, I think it’s a good life lesson and maybe just use this to teach him to be happy for others and to be grateful for what he has.

I’ve guided my son through these things too. Just listen and acknowledge, explain that it’s just the way it is, say life’s riches aren’t always material. That DSS might also feel scared sometimes, anxious, frustrated, sad, just because he gets more it’s not his fault and he’s still human and still needs friends.

Are they friends in any way? It would be a shame if your son had barriers because of this towards him. Get him to share say a good present sometimes too!

I’ve grown up with poor to wealthy family members of all kinds of backgrounds. It’s a very useful skill to be able to feel comfortable in all of them.

I don't think excluding your DSS is a good suggestion as mentioned upthread.

Hopefully as your DSS gets older he won't talk about his holidays as much and he'll realise it can be perceived as showing off.

Try and save up for a nice holiday for the 4 of you...where you'll all have good memories. Perhaps somewhere DSS hasn't been.

It doesn't have to be expensive... but maybe a holiday with activities both boys like.

The boys could have great bonding time.

It doesn't even need to be holidays...do activities as a foursome and develop your own unique things you do together.

Wall climbing... tenpin bowling...go karting...quad biking.

Most boys love the last 2 especially.

Am with purpleboy here and am in the same situation.

i am not compromising my lifestyle and my DCS because the other side do not have as much /choose to spend their monies on other things that I would not.
The DSS is not spoilt, that is life in his family and by asking him not to discuss it, makes it appear that his life is wrong and he shoud be ashamed of it.

We have also experienced the exclusion and it is irreparable. My 2DCS have not had a holiday with their Dad because he needed to take her DCS and their joint child away ( business class) and he could not afford to take his own DCs. Do not underestimate the damage that does - he took her children over his - because they needed a holiday and I going to take mine to see my family - think business class to Barbados vs home to Ireland.
5 yrs later the damage is still there and will never go.

@stuffedpeppers is it not possible that his partner paid for her and her children and he just paid for himself? Maybe she paid for the whole trip?

We’ve been criticised for going away without DSC but my mum was paying to take me and my kids away for her 60th, just a cheap week in the sun relaxing with her daughter and grandkids, last minute DH managed to get some of the days off work and decided to join us for a few nights.

So as far as his ex was concerned we were having a family holiday and excluding DSC but that wasn’t the case, DH just decided to tag along on to a mum and daughter break.

We couldn’t have taken DSC, we weren’t in a position to pay for the extra flights + extra apartment/villa + spending money

• fines to take them out of school (we were going in term time as mine were pre school age), especially as it was all last minute.

We’ve never bothered putting the ex straight because it’s none of her business what we do, the children have been told and understand but years later she still brings it up.

My point is you never really know the full picture, things often aren’t as black and white as they first seem.