Differences in income/family wealth

[Letterkid]

DP and I both have 1 child each, both same age. Been together several years, my DS lives with us and we have DSS EOW.

Everything is very smooth, everyone gets on well, however DSS mum is very wealthy. DP and I earn roughly the same but nothing compared to DSS's family (DPs ex).

Wealth difference was never an issue when the children were toddlers but now I feel like it's not fair on DS to have this person in his life rubbing his nose in what he doesn't have. DSS goes to private school, has been to disneyland US 5 times, and goes on multiple luxury holidays a year to Dubai etc he does extra circular activities every day, he lives in a large house and his mountain of presents at xmas was shocking.

I understand that it's a life lesson you can't have everything, but for DS to have to share his room with DSS who talks about all these holidays and toys as he wants to share with his Dad, just seems mean to DS?

Does anyone else have this issue? I don't want to resent DSS for being privileged but it definitely makes me feel bad not being able to let DS have the same as his step brother

toosassy - I am well aware that some NRPs have a hard time but there are far more RPs out there who o 24/7/365 with absent NRPs and no maintenance than the other way round.

I completely agree your DP needs to grow a pair and have the conversations with his DCS - completely agree not your place to

i take it from your postings that your DCs are from a previous marriage -apologies if i got that wrong.

My main point is be honest with your children about reason, do n't lie then know and being lied to causes more resentment.

And before anyone says it - I am an SM aswell now - so I do see another side

Stuffed it makes zero difference to me what the %’s are of these situations. All that matters to me is the situation I am am in with my DP.

Lets also be very clear about one thing. My DP does not need to grow any balls. At no point have I said that. He has pursued every possible avenue open to him and is now being guided by people who are experts in dealing with his situation. This is not about balls, it’s about children. And these boards need to wake up to the fact that for every NRP being absent. There is a RP being a totally vicious piece of work.

My view? It’s not my DC in this situation. Thank the lord.

Re convos with his DC? That’s for my DP to figure out and I will not interfere
Surely that's the crux of the issue though. Holidays or not, what matters is that all children don't feel rejected or hurt. Whether this is because they are included in all holidays the nrp takes, some or none comes down to individual circumstances. What is essential is that there is full transparency with the kids and that they can express how they feel so decisions can be taken accordingly.

So the question back is? What conversation has your OH had with them? Of course its for him to have and not for you to interfere but surely you have a right to ask him what has been said and what agreement they've come up to?

Also, not all kids will react the same and its important not to always treat them as a package. I've always taken both my kids on holidays. This year though, I left it late due to work situation and prices were too high in school term. I looked into a holiday early September before my eldest was due to go to Uni. It was our last chance to spend time together before her moving far away. It would have meant my DS missing a few days school and I was prepared to let this happen. However, he's the one who said that he didn't care to go and that we could do, would prefer to do a short break later in the year. I questioned him over 3 times, told him I didn't feel comfortable about it, ut he insisted he really was fine with it. So we did, and later this year we went away for a long weekend and there's been absolutely no resentment.

It's rarely the holiday itself that is the issue but the feeling of being excluded, and worse, conveniently excluded. We have no idea who OP's SS would feel if they went away without him. For all we know he might just be happy for his step son. I think we are all guilty of debating what is best for kids and forgetting that the best way to know is to ask them, and by that I mean really listen, not just take their first answer for granted because it suits our wishes.

I’d ask this of @stuffedpeppers - my DSDs expect to be included in everything their Dad does. From cinema nights out to holidays. So much so that DP has not holidayed with us in case it upsets them. So despite years of holidays as a family for DSDs when their parents were together, our DS has had none. How is that fair on DS?

I paid for our last holiday and I invited all DSDs. They were selfish and expected the whole holiday to be around their needs, which I did accomodate. One DSD was happy, the rest were still hard work and one completely ignored me. My DS had a rubbish time as we did nothing he enjoyed.

So I will never facilitate another holiday with my step kids again. If I ever knew that this caused my DSDs to call me a ‘f... bitch’ I would be appalled.

Their mother goes on 3 holidays a year without them, with her DP, but is that okay because it’s not with her DPs kids?

It’s just not so simple.