RP moving 30minutes away

[stokieginge]

I was just wondering if anyone had any experience in this situation

DSD lives with her DM. We have her EOW & an week day evening EOW. I take her to school twice EOW following an evening staying. Currently DSD school is a 3 minute drive from our house.

We've just found out that DM is looking to move 30 minutes away.

This would mean that we are no longer in a position to have DSD over night when she would need to be dropped off at school the next morning. Unless we spent an hour driving her to school and then back to work.

We would essentially go down to one night EOW rather than 4 nights EOW.

This after DM has spent the last 3 years telling my DH he doesn't see DSD enough.

I don't understand the comment about school being 30mins?

Potential new school.

No op, your family shouldn't have to change everything based on the whim of his ex. By that I mean changing jobs. It's the perils of blending families when things change, you have my sympathy.

@YepImafraidIchangeditagain we're trying to wriggle out of having little one.

This is why I hate mumsnet.

We currently have DSD 4 nights EOW.

When I & DP first got together her would have her EOW. One night she should have to stay with my MIL due to DP having to work on the Saturday and one night with DP.

This changed to two nights with DP & I once we lived together.

We then moved to within 10minutes of DSD & 3 minutes of the school. So we started 2 nights EOW and 1 evening for dinner. This is now 3 nights EOW weekend & 1 night during the week.

Over Christmas both myself & DP were toying with the idea if we could get it to work to have 7 nights EOW.

So no, I really don't think it's a case as you say of trying to get out of having her.

All we want to do is the best for a little girl that didn't choose to be put into this situation. And gets used as a weapon at every opportunity.

As I've previously said this is all dependant on mum finding a council property swap. Fingers crossed that doesn't transpire and then everything will stay as it is.

Thanks for everyone's opinions & suggestions.

Just suck it up- show the little girl that you will adjust your life and own time to be there for her, even if you're not her bio mum. She will appreciate it when she's older.
Her parents need to work out a new routine to suit them.
Do you have your own resident children?

Have you started a new thread Cos you didn't get the responses you wanted on the last one???

RP didn't work before DSD was born, and doesn't work now

So your partner chose to have a baby with her when she wasn’t working. And was happy for her to be a SAHP when they were together. Yet now it’s a big issue for you.

Could you let me know how your partner covers the 6.5- 7 weeks of school holiday per year ?

I’d also love to know how she has all this disposable income when she is not working ( so living on benefits ) as a single mum ?

Paying money into your mortgage is a form of saving. You have more money than her and you choose to buy a house. You can both work full time and earn a lot more because you fit your husbands childcare around his job.

His career and earning capacity was facilitated by her when they were together. It still is now.

She doesn't have the luxury to fit her child around her job. She is the RP. She can’t afford to buy. This doesn't make her richer than you.

To ask your if you have experience in this http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3472632-to-ask-your-if-you-have-experience-in-this

🤣🤣

I think she has...

@WH1SPERS it's not an issue for me now. I was clearing up your confusion of her being on maternity leave.

DP has a weeks holiday over Christmas (compulsory because company closes). RP refuses for us to have DSD over Christmas and we're lucky if we end up with two days - which usually end up being our weekend.

He takes another week off throughout the holidays and we go away with DSD.

Your DH still has to agree t her changing school - without his permission she can't change. Just a thought.

Maybe she is moving for valid reasons you don't know. Its a discusion he needs to have and his responsibility to sort. Preferably without having to resort to the above.

She is clearly in primary not secondary - how will things work in secondary? If that is more your way (30 min travel not unusual for 2ndry) that might also be something to take into account.

You and your DH are working 100+ hours per week and the ex who has never worked has more disposable income than you?

Maybe you do need new jobs?

@RB68 her current primary school has a secondary school next door. So given she didn't change schools/move we'd still be 3 minutes from the school.

I thought this was the case re parental responsibility. Obviously hoping it would end up going as far as that, but if so do you know how we would object?

Luckily the school is 3 mins down the road so we get away with not getting up until 7:15 ... If she was to move and we were to keep the contact for school drop offs we'd have to get up before 7 to leave the house in time to get to school for breakfast club. I just don't think it would be sustainable So the real reason is that you don't want to have to get up earlier? You do what you have to do when you have children, SC or not.

I haven't made an issue out of anything, I've just stated that if the move happens I don't think it's realistic for us to keep up the contact that we currently have You are thinking of what's realistic for you and your partner, not your sd. She is the important one in all this, and your partner wanted a good relationship with his daughter, he would move heaven and earth to facilitate it. You can't just give up on the arrangements when things get a little more difficult. Imagine what message that sends to your sd!!

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@differentnameforthis I get up early for work with me starting at 7:30. I'm out of the house every day at 7am. So it's not a case of not wanting to get up earlier.

I just don't think it's fair that DSD will be having to wake up before 7am to get her to the new school (should she move) in time for breakfast club - given that the new school has a breakfast club.

If everyone feels that it's totally acceptable to have a child up and out of the house before 7am then fine. I personally feel that's slightly drastic but what do I know.

We have already moved heaven & earth to have her as much as we do now. But there comes a point when it affects our earnings and that starts making it unrealistic.

I know, pesky children affecting your earnings. I’ve told my children they are unrealistic too but they pointed out that they didn’t ask to be born.

If everyone feels that it's totally acceptable to have a child up and out of the house before 7am then fine. I personally feel that's slightly drastic but what do I know.

Perfectly fine if the situation requires it- as long as she's had a good nights sleep- no reason it can't work. Lots of parents have to do this and I'm sure their children are fine.

Neither of us work child friendly hours unfortunately. But we've both been in our jobs for 8+ years so it's unrealistic for us to look for new jobs. Well when you have a child you have to adjust! Sorry, but you do! Plain to see who took on the lions share of the childcare with his ex and his "not child friendly" working hours. And now, as soon as it gets a bit rough, contact gets reduced again. Nice.

Op, are you planning a baby with him? What will you both do then?

This is why I hate mumsnet Why, because we are trying to make you see that you need to adjust, not drop contact?

it sounds like a pain, but not that bad

Omg I can't believe the grief you are getting on here OP. Just wow!
The simple answer to me, to keep the arrangement in place, is that she brings DSD over to you once a week, and picks her up early to take her to school. No doubt she will refuse to do that, even though she's the one who will have created the situation.

If everyone feels that it's totally acceptable to have a child up and out of the house before 7am then fine. I personally feel that's slightly drastic but what do I know. You now what, some people have to do it. They don't have a choice for various reasons. This is why they have childminders, or utilise breakfast clubs.

Kids cope, she won't evaporate if she has to be up earlier now and then. However, breaking some contact at the smallest upheaval could have a detrimental affect on her relationship with her father.

But there comes a point when it affects our earnings and that starts making it unrealistic I guess the problem is, is that your partner has never had his life drastically changed because of his daughter. It's clear that his ex did the lion's share while he worked, and probably when he was at home. He couldn't even look to adjusting his days when he first separated, and let his mum take care of her.

My dc affected my earnings for several years, because I made the choice to bring them into this world, so I sacrificed my job to raise them. It's what kids do now and then, they inconvenience you. They don't mean to, and your dh decided to have a child so he has to take the good fun times with the inconvenience now and then.

The mother should technically apply for a Specific Issue Order. It could be worth your DH contacting the current school and the local authority for the new school and let them know he has PR and doesn’t agree to any change in school at this stage.

Otherwise he’d have to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order.

What possible grounds could he have for disagreeing with a change in school if the new school is closest to her primary home.

Why should RP have to do an hour round trip for school 4 days out of 5 just because the NRP and his new partner won't put themselves out twice every other week.

Has anyone stopped and thought about what's best for the CHILD in all this??

Ffs she is on about moving 30 minutes away! And she is well within her rights to want to move house. 30 minutes away is nothing.

You need to speak to the council and also the school and let them know DH's wishes regarding school but this is quite an antsi way of dealing with it and causes bad feelings all round so last resort. A friend of mine had it used against her in a DV situation (he was trying to stop her fleeing) but SS and DV teams got involved and eventually she was allowed to go to school where she was living but took around a month to clear and to be honest schools are crap at handling it all.

It is also possible to overturn his wishes via court esp if they are unreasonable

The grounds could be on support set up and available in school e.g. counselling or cahms or even down to having one to one support or other funding available. Could be down to the quality of the school, ofsted ratings, behavioural needs - there are lots of reasons and fundamentally its a parental right to choose - as much his as hers.

Also in this case this could well end up being the secondary she goes to so the continuity issue which shouldn't be underestimated.

You also have to question whether its in the best interests of the child to swap and change schools basically on a whim (unless there is a bloody good reason to move)

In terms of getting to school 30 minutes is also nothing - pretty much the norm in most towns due to traffic etc.