RP moving 30minutes away

[stokieginge]

I was just wondering if anyone had any experience in this situation

DSD lives with her DM. We have her EOW & an week day evening EOW. I take her to school twice EOW following an evening staying. Currently DSD school is a 3 minute drive from our house.

We've just found out that DM is looking to move 30 minutes away.

This would mean that we are no longer in a position to have DSD over night when she would need to be dropped off at school the next morning. Unless we spent an hour driving her to school and then back to work.

We would essentially go down to one night EOW rather than 4 nights EOW.

This after DM has spent the last 3 years telling my DH he doesn't see DSD enough.

*On a 30min extra commute

To be honest, it's sound like you are making this more of an issue. You don't even know if she is changing school.

I am a single parent. My morning and evening commute is just over an hour, including school drop off.

If dh starts work at 6.30am, why would the pick up of his daughter be so late on a Friday.

The father needs to find our what the plans are, like is the child living school etc.

DH's ex over the years has moved 5 hours away, to NI so we had to get a plane and is now a 3 hour drive away and still bitches we don't make enough effort to see his DC. She refuses to meet part way so it's a long old drive. I think 30 mins doesn't sound so bad, especially at a weekend.

If you collect her in time for bed Friday, why would she need to do the return trip the next morning? Wouldn’t that be what you do when it’s your weekend with her?

@Boysandbuses the move hasn't happened yet and may not happen as it's reliant on a council property swap.

We have just heard that she is asking about it so I thought I would ask for peoples experiences.

If the move did happen I'm 99.9% sure that DSD WOULD be changing schools as her DM already complains about the 10 minute drive to school that she has. So I very much doubt she'll be willing to do an hour round trip for drop off and pick up.

Pick ups are late on a Friday due to work hours.

I haven't made an issue out of anything, I've just stated that if the move happens I don't think it's realistic for us to keep up the contact that we currently have. Again which is why I asked for people's experiences to see how they worked around it. People have suggested more contact at weekends etc.

@2019Dancerz we currently live 10 minutes from one another. DH works 5 minutes from DSD home. He finishes work at 6pm on a Friday so collects her at 6:05, will be home for 6:15.

If she moved to the new area , he would probably get to her at 6:45. And then he would get home at 7:15.

We then have DSD currently until Monday morning when I take her to breakfast club at school.

My response was to someone suggesting we change contact to
Week 1 - Friday - Sunday
Weeks 2 - Friday - Saturday AM

So on week two. We'd basically be driving to collect her, for her to sleep here, wake up and then drive all the way home. I feel like that defeats the purpose of anything.

@Oswin that is what our contact arrangement already is

@Cherries101 I wasn't disputing that RP didn't deserve 'fun time' with DSD. I was saying that I couldn't imagine she would agree to that.

Oh yes, my DH MUST! Look for another job, a job he's been in since before DSD was born, to accommodate the fact that her DM has decided to upsticks for no apparent reason.

So he'll change jobs, loose the job security he currently has, start a new job with a new probation period, be open to losing said job for the next 2 years. Meaning we may not be able to pay our mortgage, he may not be able to pay his maintenance.

Somehow I don't think that will be that suggestion I'll be putting forward.

DSS lives 2 hours away with a hideous motorway trip and lots of rush hour commuter traffic. Obviously this doesn't work for weekday contact in general. However, either me, DH or GPs will collect DSS from school EO Friday and bring him to our house. He goes home Sunday afternoon. Mum tends to retain all special occasions so still gets to do all the fun stuff and refuses to contribute to travel. She'd happily deny contact so isn't fussed.

There may need to be some give and take if you and DP want to retain the same amount of days (albeit in a different pattern). When DSS arrives at ours it's usually dinner, catch up and bed TBH. We make an effort to have a really fun Saturday morning like breakfast out so it's all more memorable. I appreciate that it's difficult but you and DP will need to have a more flexible attitude looking at what you can do not focusing on all the barriers. It's not easy for us with a new baby and 2 full time jobs (me on mat leave) but we have to make it work. It often means our weekends are a bit shit because we're shattered and trying to fit tasks in when DSS isn't here but if the other option is a drastic reduction in contact then we have to step up.

Many parents have to fit their jobs around caring for their children. I don’t kmow why you are so sarcastic to another poster who suggests this as an option for your husband.

And I note that you own your home while the child’s mother is dependent on council housing . And that you used to live where she is thinking of moving to.

You don’t seem to be very understanding of her situation.

Sounds like your DH needs to talk to his ex a d find out why she wants to disrupt everyone's lives so much and whether there's another way?

Can you take dsd as soon as possible friday and drop off bedtime sunday on your weekend? At least that stretches your eow to 2 nights and as much time as possible

I understand your frustration and yes it seems over the top for your oh to be expected to change his job because mum who doesn't work wants to move. It would be interesting for a start to know her motivation for the move.

You mention your oh starting at 6:30 and the finishing at 6pm on Fridays. Surely he isn't working 11 hours shift 5 days a week, so what's his pattern? Does he finishes earlier on the days he starts later? If so, could he pick hid DD up from school during the week and maybe mum can pick her up before bed time when she's all ready to go to bed as dad has done dinner, homework, bath and pyjamas?

@WH1SPERS very understand of who's situation?! DM?

Yes I don't understand why she is moving 30 minutes away, when she has no family in the area, doesn't work so therefor no work commitments.

And I'm sarcastic to the posters who give unrealistic advice, such as my DH quitting his job to accommodate her moving.

Next thing people will be suggesting we sell our home and move with them.

@swingofthings DH works 6:30-6:00 M,T,T,F. He works until 4:00 on a W, so we have contact that evening with school drop off in the morning. Oh and he works 6:00 - 10:00 on a Saturday.

I work 7:30-17:30 M-F.

Neither of us work child friendly hours unfortunately. But we've both been in our jobs for 8+ years so it's unrealistic for us to look for new jobs.

No one said he should quit his job and move with her.

They suggested that he find another job / adjust his hours around being a parent. That’s hardly an outrageous suggestion - I have done that as have many of the other posters on This thread.

There’s no rule that says you can’t leave a job after 8 years ! Funny how it’s reaonsable for women to do that, Just not men.

And you and your husband can afford to have two full time jobs as you are not the RP, so you can buy your own house.

Meanwhile the child’s mother, who took maternity leave and has always been the RP, can’t afford that.

Please tell me, who looks after the child for the 13 weeks school holiday a year, plus inset days etc ? Does your husband take annual leave or TOIL to cover his share of the 6-7 weeks ?

He could suggest to his ex that she picks DD from school on Wednesday and bring her over to his job at 4pm and he could bring her back at say 8pm.

Alternstively, considering his very long hours, he could ask to finish at 2:30-3pm on every other Wednesdays.

@WH1SPERS great assumptions there.

RP didn't work before DSD was born, and doesn't work now.

With all due respect, OP. Tons of parents have to change their jobs/hours to suit the kids.

I had to change jobs last year due to redundancy. I had to find a job that fitted round ds. I had no choice in it. That's life as a parent.

I just don't get this because early mornings are a problem and then late evenings are a problem on the days, your OH could spend with his daughter.

He clearly needs to sit down and work something out with his ex. Or change his hours or job. It's not that unusual for parents to do this.

@WH1SPERS and funnily enough, She has a lot more disposable income that both myself & my partner despite us having full time jobs.

I suggested the job change because your home life sounds shambolic to be honest. I also start work at 6:30 and have a resident kid to look after — so my DP and I have found jobs that (between us) allow us both to work from home during the week to allow school pick ups /drop offs. And before you ask the drive to the school is 45mins each way!!

moreteaplease0 it is when DH starts work at 6:30am and I'm meant to start at 7:30am

How do you get her to school now then? Surely breakfast clubs don't open that early?

If school is only 30mins- why would it be nearly bedtime when you would be getting back? How late is she at school?
Lots of FT parents have these commutes- just adjust.
Her mum and dad will have to sit down and work out a new schedule to suit everyone and you will just have to deal with it.

Did you really expect you and the mum to be living within 3 mins of each other forever?

@Cherries101 our home life sounds shambolic?

@YepImafraidIchangeditagain we live 10 minutes away from mum. We live 3 minutes away from the current school.

I don't understand the comment about school being 30mins?

Yes I don't understand why she is moving 30 minutes away, when she has no family in the area, doesn't work so therefor no work commitments.

You realise that this really isn't that far?
Sounds to me like you're trying to wriggle out of you and DH having the little one.
Do you have children of your own?