Feeling annoyed AIBU?

[WalnutWalrus]

Not sure this is the right place for this, but hoping to get some perspective from Step-Mums...

I have 3 DC with my Ex. He is pretty lousy as a father (but I suspect he may have ASD). The children see him once a month (his choice, although tbf he lives 5 hours away). He has been with his current GF about 18 months now (not sure at what point someone becomes a step-mum) and they live together. She has been a positive influence in Ex-husbands life, and generally I really like her. She does a good job of looking after the children. Since they got together he has made more effort to see the children and now sometimes has them for a full week in the holidays.

However, lately I've noticed that every time they see him they get new clothes and it's starting to irritate me as I feel it's a control thing. Or they think somehow the clothes I buy are not good. I know this is coming from her rather than him as he is very tight and in my experience never willingly spends £ on clothes for the children. Nor does he care what they look like (before he met his GF clothes used to come home screwed up in a bag, now they are returned folded and laundered, not that I'm complaining about that!)

The last straw was a few weeks ago when it was my child's birthday and they came up for the day. I arranged that they would take the children out for lunch prior to DCs party. DC came down wearing a pair of scruffy joggers (he lives in these joggers and rarely wears anything else). I suggested they were not appropriate the party and asked him to change, he got very upset and ran up to his room and hid under his bed. I went up to speak to him. He has ASD and severe anxiety. He said he wasn't going for lunch with his Dad and he didn't ask for him to come (he appears to have ambivalent feelings towards his father). I didn't want his Dads feelings to be hurt, and I could see that DC was feeling anxious and stressed and thought that the joggers were probably a security thing. I decided it was best to pick my battles and agreed that if he went for lunch with his Dad I wouldn't insist he got changed. We went back downstairs and I said that I had decided it was best he wore the joggers as he felt comfortable in them and he was anxious about the party (its a massive step forward for him that he invited actual real friends to a party and they agreed to come). Off they go.

We arrived at the party venue (I use the word party loosely it was more an activity) and DC and Ex were not there. One by one all the children arrived. It was really awkward having to explain that DC hadn't arrived yet and we had to just start without him. 30 minutes later they all turn up dressed in new clothes! They had decided his joggers just weren't acceptable and had forced him into a new pair of jeans.

AIBU in thinking this is not ok? Would you as a step mum do this?

I don't want to have bad feelings towards my Ex's GF as generally she is nice and she does a good job looking after the children. But I feel she went a step too far. I'm now wondering what new clothes they will all come home in. I guess I'm feeling a little insecure and like the clothes I provide or the parenting choices are make are not good.

Yep. How dare he buy clothes for his kids? Outrageous! Next thing you know, he'll try to feed them or something. This madness has to end!

I'm a step mam.

New clothes home fine. I d say thank you and add them to the wardrobe and send them back in those.

The party, not really ok. My dd has sensory processing issues and anxiety. Some thing like that would cause her huge stress.

So even if she got to the party and appeared fine. She wouldn't be and a melt down would happen if not straight away fairly soon and probably over something else that she then wouldn't be able to cope with and would have the potential to ruin the day for her.

It has probably come from a place of lack of understanding. Could you have a chat with your ex about it?

In the example you give you admit yourself that the clothes he went out in (scruffy joggers) weren't good enough. You can't let him go out for lunch looking like a tramp. I say that as a parent of 2 autistic children. It may have been the easiest option but it wasn't the right one.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad - wow - what a shitty answer. Can't you read?

OP did you let your ex know that yiur DS was struggling and that was the compromise you had reached with him? Also why were your ex's wishes prioritised on your DS's birthday? It does sound like quite a lot of stress for your son? They were very rude bringing him late to his own party. I also understand the joggers issue from both sides.

No need to be sarcastic @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad in the past when I've asked for help buying the children clothes he has refused. This is more about the step deciding his clothes weren't ok and consequently making him late for his party.

They were wrong to turn up to the party 30 minutes late.
Re the clothes. I think it might be your issue - you’re worrying that they think your parenting choices aren’t the right ones.
Big question for me though is how was your sone when he turned up?
I’m a stepmum. In the early days it was hard not to spoil the kids in whatever way I could in order to bond with them (I didn’t generally buy stuff for them though as I couldn’t afford to).
If your son was ok with the clothes then let it go. It’s totally normal for kids to react very differently to situations depending on which parent they’re with. If your comfortable with your parenting choices then don’t let some new clothes make you doubt yourself - see it as a positive... you’ll have to buy less.

To be honest I’ve done that with DSD; she’s arrived at ours in leggings and a t shirt when we’re going somewhere nice and I’ve got out a nice dress and said that was more suitable. I couldn’t quite work out if his dad was there when he ran upstairs upset but I would have thought twice if I knew how upset my DSD was but then given her a bit of time and tried again.
I do think it’s surprising that you’re upset that they’re buying clothes for your DC as it’s generally the accepted thing that the non resident parent clothes the child when they are staying with them. Maybe she enjoys buying clothes and your children are getting the benefit of it? I doubt it’s anything about your clothes.
Until recently when DSD started choosing her own clothes she’d have a different style of clothes here compared to her mums as me and DH just happen to like different things to her mum; it wasn’t a criticism of her mums taste.

@bastardkitty I didn't fully explain the situation to my Ex as I thought it would hurt his feelings if I told him I compromised on the joggers so that he take the children for lunch.

@BollocksToBrexit Yes, I did take the easier road, but was as that the wrong decision? I am actually not sure it was wrong. He didn't look like a tramp, but he didn't look his best. I was trying to reduce his stress levels and get him to spend some time with his Dad.

I would say pick your battles...if you start this one they may stop buying clothes all together...sounds like dads girlfriend is trying quite hard...do your children like her?

As for the joggers-did your ex ans/or her knew your DS was to keep them on?

Yes, I don't want to upset their step-mum which is probably why I'm venting on here and not IRL. She is lovely, she cares for them and gives them stability when they go to stay.

He does actually like the new jeans, they have become the new joggers. But he refused to travel home in his Dads car after the party and has ignored every message he has sent him since.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and it might have been better not to have given your son such a pressured day - it was probably too much for him. Your son's needs and wishes should be more of a priority than his Dad's feelings. Having said that, if you'd said 'DS is not keen to see you today but we have agreed this compromise' it would have been more realistic. It was very wrong of them to be late. Did they apologise? How did your DS feel about the forced jeans? It sounds like your DS is reaching an age when he won't be so compliant and willing to be told what to do. Is this likely to be a battle with your ex?

Sorry - cross post!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and it might have been better not to have given your son such a pressured day

Yes! Definitely

Well don't be so nice next time.

Tell him he doesn't want to go he has been crying and wants to keep his clothes on. Maybe that might create a bit more understanding. If you ds is gently encouraged into making other choices great.

Half an hour late to his own party over a pair of tracksuit bottoms. I'd say bit shitty. If he ends up not wanting to go with them at all that will be a much bigger problem.

Clothes and shoes etc are security for my dd. If she leaves the house not show child ready so be it. That isn't the priority what is the priority is that 'll she be able to engage and do what ever it is we are planning to do.

Okay - a fuller response. Here are a few things to think about:

1. You've raised this as an issue about them buying your three children new clothes, in which the party was "the last straw". But you freely admit that you're "wondering what new clothes they will come home in" and "feeling insecure". I'd suggestbthatvyou need to view the party incident in the wider context that you have an issue about your ex buying his kids clothes. Let's be really clear - that's what a parent does. Not even a good parent. A vaguely decent one. It really is a bit like feeding them, keeping them clean etc. It's basic. To get upset because they buy clothes for the kids is just weird - you are putting your own insecurity way ahead of your kids' best interests.

1. You're assuming that this is all being driven by the step mother. There is no proof of this - it's all assertion, based on your assumption. And, even if she is promoting your ex to step up and be a better dad - so what? That is a good thing. You've recognised in your own post that she has been a positive influence, and tour ex is now putting in more effort with the kids. I'd encourage you to welcome that, and not see the fact that they buy thebkids clothes as a competition, but as a positive thing in which your ex is actually being a dad. Again, if you can't do that, you are putting your own feelings ahead of your kids.

1. On to the party. Yes, it's pretty rude to show up half an hour late, and I can see why that was awkward. But you said nothing in your post about how your son reacted to wearing jeans. He had a hard time when he left yours, but had things improved by the time he arrived at the party? Had they persuaded him to wear jeans in a way that he could get on board with? Given your strong feelings on the subject of these clothes, I think it's interesting that you told us nothing about your son's demeanour and feelings when he arrived. Because if they had got him out of the clothes that you yourself said weren't really appropriate for a party, and done so in a way that didn't trigger a meltdown, I'd suggest that you should appreciate that. It's teaching him life skills. That's parenting. If, on the other hand, they greatly upset him AND made him late for his party, then I'd say you're right to be upset about that specific incident.

Overall, then - feeling upset and insecure that they buy him clothes is extremely unreasonable.

Being upset about the party has some justification, and if they hugely upset him in the process, it has a lot of justification. But if they didn't (and I suspect you'd have mentioned it if they did?), then they actually did a good job of helping him manage his feelings, and your response is not appropriate.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

1. I feel insecure because it's the second time their clothes have been switched for an event. The first was at Easter, I was told they would be going to Church so I went and bought them new clothes specifically for this purpose which they didn't end up wearing because they wore the clothes she bought.

I don't have a problem with the general buying of new clothes. I do wish there was better communication as sometimes they buy new items that they have plenty of where the money could have better been spent on items they need. They don't keep any clothes at his house. They don't have their own room at his house and they only see him once a month so I'm better placed to know what they need.

2. I do know it's entirely driven by their step-mum. Previously if they have gone to their Dads and needed an item of clothing buying (for example to replace a lost coat) I have been sent the bill. He also used to frequently dress them inappropriately (school shoes instead of trainers/wellies in the wood) no coat or jumper... I am happy that his parenting skills are improving.

3. I found it difficult to gage his demeanour at the party. There was a lot of stimming and little interaction with his his peers. He was clearly on edge, but then he was in a stressful situation so 🤷🏻‍♀️. I do know he told me afterwards he was upset he was late and he hasn't interacted with his father since.

And yes, the children like their step-mum very much. I can only get my youngest to go if I say she will definitely be there.

I do think it’s surprising that you’re upset that they’re buying clothes for your DC as it’s generally the accepted thing that the non resident parent clothes the child when they are staying with them.

I did not know this!

So you think it's more likely that step-mum is enjoying buying the children clothes (she doesn't have any children) than thinking my clothes are not good?

Probably the party is more about the fact they went against my decision than clothes really?

Probably the party is more about the fact they went against my decision than clothes really?

You said yourself the clothes were not suitable. Thus affirming your position.

Are you upset that they can apparently get your kid to do stuff you can't?

And don't call her 'The Step' for fucks sake.

Yes - I think it's more likely the step mum enjoys buying the children clothes than is making a comment on your choice of clothes

At what cost? He now won't communicate with his dad and refused to go home with them.

So really were the jeans and making him late for his own party worth it?

Lol oh dear...

Please don’t worry and let it go. This happens with my ex’s new partner. With her it’s nothing more than she just likes getting my son stuff and for him to have skate clothes at theirs just in case.

Being late is unacceptable.

I wonder if this is more about them successfully getting your son into appropriate clothes where you gave in.
Dad should have clothes at his, next time your son visits send him in one of Dad's outfits.
Be grateful that Dad is making more of an effort for the sake of your son

I wish my dsd mother would buy her clothes, I have to send pyjamas with her for visitation