Feeling annoyed AIBU?

[WalnutWalrus]

Not sure this is the right place for this, but hoping to get some perspective from Step-Mums...

I have 3 DC with my Ex. He is pretty lousy as a father (but I suspect he may have ASD). The children see him once a month (his choice, although tbf he lives 5 hours away). He has been with his current GF about 18 months now (not sure at what point someone becomes a step-mum) and they live together. She has been a positive influence in Ex-husbands life, and generally I really like her. She does a good job of looking after the children. Since they got together he has made more effort to see the children and now sometimes has them for a full week in the holidays.

However, lately I've noticed that every time they see him they get new clothes and it's starting to irritate me as I feel it's a control thing. Or they think somehow the clothes I buy are not good. I know this is coming from her rather than him as he is very tight and in my experience never willingly spends £ on clothes for the children. Nor does he care what they look like (before he met his GF clothes used to come home screwed up in a bag, now they are returned folded and laundered, not that I'm complaining about that!)

The last straw was a few weeks ago when it was my child's birthday and they came up for the day. I arranged that they would take the children out for lunch prior to DCs party. DC came down wearing a pair of scruffy joggers (he lives in these joggers and rarely wears anything else). I suggested they were not appropriate the party and asked him to change, he got very upset and ran up to his room and hid under his bed. I went up to speak to him. He has ASD and severe anxiety. He said he wasn't going for lunch with his Dad and he didn't ask for him to come (he appears to have ambivalent feelings towards his father). I didn't want his Dads feelings to be hurt, and I could see that DC was feeling anxious and stressed and thought that the joggers were probably a security thing. I decided it was best to pick my battles and agreed that if he went for lunch with his Dad I wouldn't insist he got changed. We went back downstairs and I said that I had decided it was best he wore the joggers as he felt comfortable in them and he was anxious about the party (its a massive step forward for him that he invited actual real friends to a party and they agreed to come). Off they go.

We arrived at the party venue (I use the word party loosely it was more an activity) and DC and Ex were not there. One by one all the children arrived. It was really awkward having to explain that DC hadn't arrived yet and we had to just start without him. 30 minutes later they all turn up dressed in new clothes! They had decided his joggers just weren't acceptable and had forced him into a new pair of jeans.

AIBU in thinking this is not ok? Would you as a step mum do this?

I don't want to have bad feelings towards my Ex's GF as generally she is nice and she does a good job looking after the children. But I feel she went a step too far. I'm now wondering what new clothes they will all come home in. I guess I'm feeling a little insecure and like the clothes I provide or the parenting choices are make are not good.

A lot of kids are more compliant for non-family adults like teachers. It could be that he sees his father's partner like this?

You did the right thing by saying the joggers were ok but I get the impression that this woman is being kind and perhaps you can use it to your advantage in future?

You admit the clothes thing is your own insecurity

As for what happened before the party and why they were late, you don’t really know the full story (from what I understand?) and if your son has some behavioural issues then this could be something they had been dealing with

Also you can’t just blame the stepmother. She seems to have and influence and you admit it is at least partly positive but you can’t just say the SM is unreasonable when you are not happy about something

My eldest ds father was with a lovely lady for 9 years.
She helped him become a better parent as she had a child of her own.
Unfortunately that relationship ended and the person he's with now is awful.

Luckily ds is an adult now but she never made him feel at home or part of their family (aha has children from a previous marriage)
My ds is under no illusion and although it's not entirely down to her that they keep the communication let's just say she keeps him very busy with her own children and house.

Ds and his father have drifted apart sadly although they probably see/speak about once a month for an hour at most the relationship will never be what it was.

So op what I'm trying to say is don't take it as a dog at you if she buys them new clothes. She's probably trying to help and wanting to.
The fact that she's told your ex to sort out bedding etc etc and he's making more of an effort is a big positive and hopefully a head start in building a really good co parenting relationship between you all

Quite often my mil will persuade the DC to do something they'd previously refused to do for me - eg have their hair brushed or whatever. I think kids are often more compliant with non-parents. So it may just be that she attempted again to do what you had attempted and succeeded without too much fuss. I wouldn't think too much more about that. Being late is not on and caused your Ds stress so it was definitely the wrong call but as a one off I would try to let it go.

Your only mistake was not explaining to your Ex why he was in the joggers.

Apart from that...if the new GF wants to buy clothes for them ...let her do it.