Feeling annoyed AIBU?

[WalnutWalrus]

Not sure this is the right place for this, but hoping to get some perspective from Step-Mums...

I have 3 DC with my Ex. He is pretty lousy as a father (but I suspect he may have ASD). The children see him once a month (his choice, although tbf he lives 5 hours away). He has been with his current GF about 18 months now (not sure at what point someone becomes a step-mum) and they live together. She has been a positive influence in Ex-husbands life, and generally I really like her. She does a good job of looking after the children. Since they got together he has made more effort to see the children and now sometimes has them for a full week in the holidays.

However, lately I've noticed that every time they see him they get new clothes and it's starting to irritate me as I feel it's a control thing. Or they think somehow the clothes I buy are not good. I know this is coming from her rather than him as he is very tight and in my experience never willingly spends £ on clothes for the children. Nor does he care what they look like (before he met his GF clothes used to come home screwed up in a bag, now they are returned folded and laundered, not that I'm complaining about that!)

The last straw was a few weeks ago when it was my child's birthday and they came up for the day. I arranged that they would take the children out for lunch prior to DCs party. DC came down wearing a pair of scruffy joggers (he lives in these joggers and rarely wears anything else). I suggested they were not appropriate the party and asked him to change, he got very upset and ran up to his room and hid under his bed. I went up to speak to him. He has ASD and severe anxiety. He said he wasn't going for lunch with his Dad and he didn't ask for him to come (he appears to have ambivalent feelings towards his father). I didn't want his Dads feelings to be hurt, and I could see that DC was feeling anxious and stressed and thought that the joggers were probably a security thing. I decided it was best to pick my battles and agreed that if he went for lunch with his Dad I wouldn't insist he got changed. We went back downstairs and I said that I had decided it was best he wore the joggers as he felt comfortable in them and he was anxious about the party (its a massive step forward for him that he invited actual real friends to a party and they agreed to come). Off they go.

We arrived at the party venue (I use the word party loosely it was more an activity) and DC and Ex were not there. One by one all the children arrived. It was really awkward having to explain that DC hadn't arrived yet and we had to just start without him. 30 minutes later they all turn up dressed in new clothes! They had decided his joggers just weren't acceptable and had forced him into a new pair of jeans.

AIBU in thinking this is not ok? Would you as a step mum do this?

I don't want to have bad feelings towards my Ex's GF as generally she is nice and she does a good job looking after the children. But I feel she went a step too far. I'm now wondering what new clothes they will all come home in. I guess I'm feeling a little insecure and like the clothes I provide or the parenting choices are make are not good.

Oh sorry. What am I supposed to call her? I don't actually call her step-mum IRL, it was so you knew who I was referring to. Seemed more respectful to me than keep using 'she'

I'm not upset they got him to do something I couldn't. I could've forced him. But I, rightly or wrongly, decided to let it go to reduce the pressure on him.

They actually tried, along with me, while at my house beforehand to get him to change clothes but he responded by hiding and refusing to leave the house.

I wish they could keep clothes at his house. It would make my life simpler. I even have to send them with bedding.

*At what cost? He now won't communicate with his dad and refused to go home with them.

So really were the jeans and making him late for his own party worth it?*

Yes, this is how I feel.

It was a difficult choice to make and I made the choice to let him wear the joggers. Maybe I was wrong. Obviously not a choice everyone would've made. Perhaps if others disagreed they should've voiced that opinion at the time? Rather than go behind my back.

Its easy to attribute intent to actions but to get it wrong. I suspect the step mum would be horrified if you told her what you think about the clothes buying. She sounds like she is a decent sort of person from what you have said.

I buy clothes and things for my SDs all the time, not because I think their clothes are not good enough but because when I’m shopping if I see something they might like then I would buy it for them.
Also they don’t leave clothes at our house as they like to take their things home to mum’s which is fine, but sometimes then the clothes they bring with them for the next visit aren’t appropriate for the occasion or activities we have planned.
We regularly pop out on a Saturday morning to buy something they’ll need for the weekend such as wellies, or maybe a party dress.
I think you’re reading too much into this...
To be blunt I think you were embarrassed at how your son was dressed for his party and when your ex turned up with DS all spruced up you realised just how awful his joggers had been and you felt embarrassed that your ex had also felt that way and did something about it.
I really would pick your battles here and please don’t blame SM.
Your kids like her, she’s kind and generous... you’re very lucky that this is the case.
I’d let it go

I really wasn't embarrassed about his joggers. My main reason for wanting him to wear something else was to help him 'fit in', as he gets upset that he is called 'weird' at school.

But equally I wanted him to feel comfortable as when he is stressed he stims, a lot. Which might be more weird to his friends than wearing a pair of joggers.

I am upset that she went against me. It was her as he would never have given it a second thought. Nor spent the money.

Although right now I am very happy with her as I've just been informed by Ex that she has 'made him' (his words) buy the children bedding as it was 'ridiculous' he didn't have any. So when they go and see him next I won't need to send any.

But yes, I expect she has the children's best interests at heart so I shouldn't read too much into it.

If she made him buy them bedding because it's ridiculous that they don't have any, then she has their best interests at heart. She's right, it is ridiculous for them to not have bedding.

If you want her to be involved I think you have to accept her way of doing things. She's not wrong, she's just different. I have a son with ASD and I am very firm about appropriate clothing for different social events. If I wasn't, he would strip, or turn up in pyjamas. I'm not cruel or thoughtless, I'm thinking of the bigger picture here. Appropriate dress is part of appropriate behaviour. It should be adhered to as far as POSSIBLE, not as far as you feel like.

And I think that may be what she's doing.

She doesn't have to be involved with your kids, she has no rights to them, but it kind of sounds like she likes them a lot and they like her too - and also that without her, their relationship with their crappy dad might fail.

I can’t comment on the ASS piece as I have no experience.

But.... dad should be buying clothes for the child. If he wasn’t and you posted, everyone would be up in arms about what an appalling father he was.

Regarding the changing of clothes. I’m a DSM to 2 and my OH oftern gets the kids to change from what they turn up in. The kids turned up one Dec in shorts and flip flops (it was circa 5 degrees outside), numerous times they’ve turned up in old holey leggings). Mum can send them in whatever she wants, but sometimes it’s not appropriate so they are asked to change. No big deal.

Are you more upset about the tracky bottoms being upstaged? It’s no big deal. Pick your battles.

I'm really not upset that the jeans 'upstaged' the jogging bottoms. I actually really like them and much prefer them to jogging bottoms which I generally dislike on older children.

Hmmm, on reflection perhaps I'm actually more upset that in buying the new clothes they were late for the party. And perhaps that they felt they knew best.

She has their best interests at heart but seems to be falling into a parenting role your ex should be doing. Even if she was a stepmum —if your kids won’t see their dad without her there that’s a problem. I would suggest you speak to the ex and tell him your concerns.

I agree with you Cherries101. She does sound like a positive in your kids lives but he could break up with her next week and then where would their relationship with their father be?

This is my wonder as well. It's obvious OP appreciates the SM's efforts to be the kind of parent the Dad CBA to be, but she must know by now how useless he is and how long is she going to put up with him? Should we start a thread for the SM - if she hasn't done it already?

You send them back in the clothes that came from there- simple and not sure why you're overthinking this. He wasn't upset to be wearing the new clothes- although being late is not acceptable and I hope they apologised. You do seem to be overthinking and taking offence where none is probably meant.

I would’t have been annoyed with the jeans for your DS but why change the other 2 children’s clothes that were presumably party appropriate? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He wasn't upset to be wearing the new clothes < how did you decide that @SD1978 ?

@Quirkycutekitch2011 Presumably so they didn't feel 'left out' 🤷🏻‍♀️

In all honesty i would try and build more of a relationship with her, she really sounds like a nice woman who wants the best for the dc, i would not think anything about her buying clothes, including that it’s because she has no dc of her own - not every woman wants dc or feels like not having them is something they have to compensate for!

I can understand you feeling got at though by the same token, it sounds like you’re bearing the brunt of parenting and it’s not easy and it’s horrible to see your dc stressed, especially when it should have been a happy occasion, and knowing that he struggles, and is aware that he struggles while also not always being able to help himself, these are hard things to deal with as a parent.

It would probably be beneficial to form an alliance with her for the sake of your ds, particularly if he requires consistency to feel safe.

About clothes, it could be that your kids chose ones that they like. My son's father is not involved, but his sister takes him shopping sometimes and he comes with new clothes. I felt a bit annoying last week (at my son) because he came home with new socks, apparently she asked him if he had and he said no, because HE didn't like the socks I buy, Well, excuse me!
I'm glad that someone other than me buys him clothes, I can't always provide the exact thing he likes (I often buy second hand) and she buys new, so he's happy.
I agree that it would be a good idea to get to know the step-mum.

It really sounds as though she is buying clothes out of care for them. It may make you feel slightly usurped or threatened? But it sounds good for them. She sounds like a good'un. Let's hope he doesn't drive her away!

If he'd run to you, tell you that they told him that if he didn't go to buy new clothes to wear for the party, the party woiod be cancelled and said that he hated them and threw them away after coming home, your feelings would be justified. However, you say that he loves them so that wasn't the case.

You did the right thing sending him in his trainers if otherwise it would have been a battle to get him at of the house. Somehow, they managed to get him to go shopping, try jeans on and wear them to the party. Unless they did via blackmail, it was a successful outcome.

I really don't think it was done with the mean to make you feel inadequate, more that she is probably more fashion conscious and so wanted him to look good, tried to convince him and managed to do so. I would joke with your son and in a laughing manner ask him what she did/say to convince him.

Being late was not on though and I hope they apologised.

I'm a step mum. We had my DSC on Christmas Eve, and her DM had sent her in a lovely outfit for the day. Unfortunately I'd already brought her a special outfit for the day (we were going to see Santa). So when we got home we changed out of the clothes she came in, and into the new outfit. Not to spite mum, but because I had specially brought said outfit - top that said Santa's bestie. If she didn't wear it Christmas Eve she'd never wear it.

When I started seeing my DH, DSC used to come with a case of clothes for the weekends she had contact. After a while I said that he should buy her a small amount of clothes to keep at his house as she should feel like it was her home too.

So now she has clothes at our house and clothes at her DM's.

We tried to purchase school clothes too but DM refused - instead expecting me to wash and dry DSC uniform in a night ready for the next morning (which is bizarre to me).

I get it op although my ds was old enough to voice his own annoyance at the situation rather than me. It was only when ds told me how he felt he addressed issues with his SM picking his clothes out at the age of 10 and if she wanted to get clothes he wanted a say in what they were.

@bastardkitty- because at no point did the OP say he was uncomfortable or upset, and has since worn them constantly as a replacement for the tracksuit pants, according to OP. Seems a completely reasonable assumption based on OP's replies.

But he refused to travel home in his Dads car after the party and has ignored every message he has sent him since.

Yes, as @bastardkitty said his behaviour since implies he is not happy.

He hasn't actually articulated how he feels about anything ever.

It's always guess work to know what he is thinking/feeling based on stims and avoidant behaviours. He has happy stims, anxious stims, excited stims. If he is unhappy he has avoidant behaviour such as hiding, running, and a general refusals. He may also scream and hurl objects.

So yes, he must like the jeans to continue to wear them. But I don't think he was happy with situation as a whole. And as I said before he was obviously stressed while at the party.

I could have forced him to change, but seeing how stressed out his was I decided not to. I expect he complied at the time because he is a bit afraid of his Dad.