How to afford your own DC?

[floodypuddle]

Just that really.. I have two DSD and we did have a good amount of savings enough that we could have had our own but then stepchildrens mother moved 250 miles and we had to follow. It cost us a fortune, all our savings, and we are both on lower paid jobs here with no family support so can't build it back up. Combined with maintenance, all their activities, plus we buy them clothes for both homes (mum doesn't seem care about them looking scruffy to we feel we have to) I am becoming increasingly anxious that were never going to be able to afford it. I love my stepdaughters but it is not the same as having your own child and I don't know what to do.

How did you make it work?

We couldn’t and we didn’t. It was just not viable.

Do you regret staying?

If i couldn't have had my own dc I wouldn't have stayed. It's nowhere near the same as having your own. Don't sacrifice your chance of having children if you really want them. Or look very carefully at what you're spending and cut everything to the bone. Then can you afford children?

I agree with concerned. It’s too big a sacrifice.

Leave him and find someone who is childfree, have your own family. It sounds like you will regret it otherwise and resent him.

He sounds like a good Dad and has done the right thing moving to be with them, he has a responsibility towards his children and that won’t change.

How old are your stepdaughters? Babies and toddlers are only as expensive as you make them. It's only once they get to school age that they start really costing an arm and a leg so if the girls are a little bit older and you are willing to forego the brand new bugaboo, expensive and useless niche toddler classes, and designer baby clothes I don't see why you couldn't have a baby.

I agree with PerfectPeony. For years I thought I’d never have my own kids (fertility) but when friends told me that having your own is different, I never understood until I did. 2 DC now and the feeling for them is unimaginable until you have them yourself. You can love your SC until the cows come home, but I do gently encourage you to try to find a way to afford your own. Sending you hope! 🌷🌷🌷

That’s true knitted but I’ve found the costs are mostly loss of income/ childcare rather than prams etc.

We certainly couldn't afford to live on one wage. We are just about managing on both of them. I'm not precious about having new things by any stretch.

I suspect I'm at the wrong age to start over options wise (33).

I don’t think so Floody, most of my NCT group are 35+.

I hope it all works out for you.

I had my baby at 34 and 3/4 and I adore him. Dp desperately wanted us to have one. You find a way to manage money wise, children and you will cope. It will be hard but worth it. Xx don't let it stop you xx

And I say that as someone with the stepchildren not jsut two!

Bloody typos ...three

I would just go for it op. I know this is an emotive issue but maintenance costs will be lower when there is another child in the mix. Also just like non blended families you have to stretch your available resources amongst more. Plenty people have been just managing with 2 and a third comes along ...the family has to alter expenditure and just manage with 3. If another child came along in a non blended family and a full sibling was told that money would now have to be stretched further no one would be surprised.

Some people will say why should the other kids go without more. The op knew her partner had kids but life isn't that simple. In blended families, like very other family mistakes have been made and it isn't necessarily the new partner who made all the mistakes so why should she/he be the only one to have to sacrifice having a child of her own.

I am not in this position myself so I'm not supporting the op's desire for a child from any personal perspective but I really think op that you should just accept and prepare other kids to accept that the resources will be shared a bit thinner when another baby comes along.

How old are the SDs? I think it's awful that people are telling you to leave a happy relationship with a decent bloke when people make allsorts of circumstances work.

Here's how me and DH did it. DSS (14) used to guilt us into buying allsorts of extras or his mum did. This stopped. We realised that this just isn't real life. Most children don't get everything that they want all of the time, particularly for more expensive non essential items. The one exception was when he was isolation because his mum refused to buy the right school shoes. We also bought revision guides. We were upfront with DSS that life would change but that equally that would happen if one of us had lost our jobs or had an accident. We needed to live within our means.

Start trying to get better wages. We both changed jobs 3 times to earn better. We are also looking at ensuring we're claiming everything we should be. DH is likely entitled to PIP for example.

Not being able to survive on one wage shouldn't be an issue. Most people can't. Find affordable childcare and make plans to go back part time. Ive also started retraining so I can have a self employed business that I can do in my own time.

DD is now 17 weeks and DSS is besotted with her. It was definitely the right choice. It was harder for sure with DSS but we make it work and everyone's happy.

Does your husband want a child with you? That's the starting point. If yes, then start working towards it. Like another poster said, find better jobs (if you have time), cut unnecessary expenses, buy used clothing, save on activities, etc.
If your husband will feel guilty about doing that, it might not work. Don't know how old you are, but I wouldn't wait until it gets much harder to get pregnant.
Myself I had my first child when it wasn't really the right moment from the financial point of view, and I'm fine now. It wasn't easy, but I don't regret it.
If having children is important to you, do something about it.

It must be very hard op but many, many families can't afford to have 3+ children. Babies and toddlers are expensive, in my area childcare is around £50 a day, it's not about buying a designer buggy in my experience but childcare/salary loss that's the killer. If you've looked at your expenses and earnings, taken into account any help you would be entitled to (child benefit, 30 funded hours)and the numbers just don't add up then you have a choice to stay or leave and try to find someone new.

You're 33 so still have time. You say you're on low income now.ut if you were earning more before, surely you should be able to do so where you are. You both need to do everything to secure better paid jobs, at least one of you and then you can consider working weekends/evenings until you can claim help with childcare. You might have to wait another year possibly two to get the jobs but that still leave plenty of time.

Of course you should leave your OH idlf you have a loving relationship. Finding jobs is much easier than finding the right partner.

I wouldn't know where to start with looking into what we would be entitled to. DP didn't really have to claim for childcare costs etc when his two were younger as his ex flat out refused to go back to work regardless. There's no way we could stretch to either one of us doing it. Is there somewhere straightforward I can look?

www.entitledto.com

Thanks InDubious

You could also look at tax free childcare (just Google it, it comes up first), look into your works maternity policy/any enhanced mat leave, condensing hours (either of you) and childminders locally (whee I live they are a bit cheaper than nursery). Money saving expert website is good to check you aren't overpaying for power etc.

This is a decision only you can make
If you both want another child you’ll find a way
If OH doesn’t then you have to decide if you stay or go
On a practical level
1 have you done a universal credit calculator to see what help you could get given your current circumstances?
www.betteroffcalculator.co.uk/#/calculator/new/step1
2 have you had your maintenance payments recalculated to reflect your new income?
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Remember the amount of maintenance you pay goes down when you have children at home to care for.

You should not be paying maintenance and buying things for them at their mothers, it’s one or the other.

We have residence and get no maintanence despite being on benefits due to OH disability, we haven’t chased it though the courts cos it isn’t worth the cost.
We have private written agreements that we file with the courts instead.
What we do is I buy the school uniform online and send Mam the print out, I also send the subs receipts for Brownies etc.
She is then supposed to pay half but realistically never does, I could go to court and force her but I don’t need the money and it isn’t worth the tension it would cause so I don’t.

We each have our own supply of clothes and activities supposedly although I always send dsd with a colouring book and reading book and wash kit and pyjamas and clean undies as I’m not convinced.

Remember the amount of maintenance you pay goes down when you have children at home to care for

Yes, it is the mum’s responsibility to make up for this shortfall in income.

I’d just go for it now.