How to afford your own DC?

[floodypuddle]

Just that really.. I have two DSD and we did have a good amount of savings enough that we could have had our own but then stepchildrens mother moved 250 miles and we had to follow. It cost us a fortune, all our savings, and we are both on lower paid jobs here with no family support so can't build it back up. Combined with maintenance, all their activities, plus we buy them clothes for both homes (mum doesn't seem care about them looking scruffy to we feel we have to) I am becoming increasingly anxious that were never going to be able to afford it. I love my stepdaughters but it is not the same as having your own child and I don't know what to do.

How did you make it work?

I can for both sexes. Work, family support, cheaper housing. Eg I think it’s ok for the nrp to move too so that they’re in an affordable house with more space rather than 1 bed flat they can barely afford. Yes I think moving is an option most definitely

So why the comment below if you are able to recognise that relationship breakdowns cause people to re-think and re-gather and do things - like moving - which are less than desireable but which are ultimately necessary for many to be able to get life back on track?

I swear some people trip over themselves to come in and stick up for mums no matter what

Why give up having kids for any man. Seriously...your relationship could end and it's then too late to have a child for you.

If most people waited till they could afford it, they wouldn't have kids at all... but your OH needs to be on board.

I can’t believe some posters on here are blaitantly telling the OP to put the needs of some kids who aren’t even her’s above her own biological instinct to have her own children. Screw your own needs OP, someone else’s kids should be your priority! And unless you are buying their clothes from Harrods, paying £1000 a month maintenance and give them a palace to live in then you are a bad step mother. And if you just happen to regret not having your own kids in the future when it’s too late then that’s just too bad. Honestly, beggars belief

I don't think there is ever a perfect time and you would cope with your own because you have to. We were totally skint when daughter arrived literally £80pm left after rent and bills - trying to get to work and eat look after a baby on £20 a week was a challenge , slowly got easier as debts cleared and salaries rose. Still careful with £ now though don't have to be really so has instilled good money knowledge to DD too I.e when she grows out of clothes she snaps them lists them for sale and uses £ to buy new clothes (and looks for secondhand). If everyone waited for the perfect time to have a baby no one would ever have one as I really don't think there is ever a perfect time do it earlier or later in life sacrifices still have to be made and for some financial situations won't change much over the years anyway

No one has said she should give up on having children, she has every right to have them. Her partner though has two children already and is struggling financially, so yes, he needs to prioritize the children he already has. I don't think he is paying £1000.00pm maintenance or buying them presents in Harrods, it sounds like they are struggling like a lot of people in this country atm.

I don't think it's a case of saying the op can't have them, just that it shouldn't be at the expense of the existing children. It's not the same as in a 'together' family who choose to have another and stretch the finances. That is a decision taken jointly by all the adults (ie the parents) who will be affected. In a split family, as in this instance it would not be fair for the ex to have make up the missing maintenance when a child is born over which she had no say or input.

But it’s OK for step children to have second hand clothes? That has been said up thread and remains largely unchallenged

I think that suggestion was for the clothes for their mum’s house as she never buys them anything.

No one said to dress step kids in second hand clothes and bio kids in designer brands!

If you desperately want a baby with your dp and you have moved with him so he can have access to his dc then he should allow you to have a bay too.

You say you buy dsc new clothing so they do not look scruffy but if your dh pays maintenance then that is responsibility of mother. As long as you and your dp do this you are letting her off her responsibilities.

If your dp now earns less then get a recalculation of child support he has to pay. It should be lower now. Could any of you get a second job in evenings with all money going to baby fund.

I have a foster child as well as my own dc and love them all and treat them equally but the feeling you get when they place your baby in your arms is indescribable. Don't be cheated out of it or leave it too late.

Op we and our baby , it did reduce maintenance for his ex and tbh I didn't care (sorry Mumsnet). He overpays then and still overpays now, well in excess of CMS amount and would never not. He also has the children a lot.
He however would not cut the money for the children's hobbies and I wouldn't want that, he still pays for that ontop of maintenance.
He wanted another child and we love our little Ds and the children all love each other.
Yes it financially hard. And actually in our case it's D's who has the old clothes as you can get LOADS of baby stuff virtually free second hand as they are only in it for weeks.
The big cost is childcare as I'm sure you know but you can find a way. I'm going down to part time to balance the childcare bills.
Have you considered renting in a cheaper area? Could the children share a room and so again a cheaper house?.
Ignore everyone saying you should ltb or not have a baby, it's your choice and a lot of people manage who are on lower incomes.
Get saving now though even 50 a month adds up on Matt leave!

Lots of people in “together” families have more children and they could do with a bit more money.
I’ve had three more children since I had my first, and yeah we could do with a bit more money! Don’t we all?

You cut your cloth accordingly.
Why should it be any different when it comes to stepchildren?

So why the comment below if you are able to recognise that relationship breakdowns cause people to re-think and re-gather and do things - like moving - which are less than desireable but which are ultimately necessary for many to be able to get life back on track?

Because the general attitude towards an nrp moving away is that they are selfish and should suffer in their little bedsit that costs the earth for the sake of their kids, and the attitude towards an rp moving is that they are trying to rebuild their lives after the split and needs sympathy. Both parents are probably trying to rebuild their lives.

fun it's different because the RP has to cut her cloth for another child that she neither wants nor has any say in its existence. If the NRP can afford to have more without reducing his maintenance, great, if not its completely unfair on the RP that they should have to make up the difference when the chances are they are already shouldering significantly more of the costs both financially and otherwise than the NRP.

I’ve never said maintenance should be reduced have I?
But what happens to finances in the NRP’s household after maintenance is paid really is none of the RP’s business.

No it isn't, that's absolutely fine if the OP and her DH want to tighten their own belts that's fine but theres more than one poster on here saying its perfectly fair for them to make this choice for their household and pass some of that cost onto the RP in the form of reduced maintenance. I think that's disgraceful and if you cannot afford an additional child without doing that then you shouldn't have one.

In this case it wouldn't be a case of the rp having to cut their cloth, it doesn't sound like she would even try to make up the difference. She isn't bothered if they eat junk, clothes fit and they spend all their time on devices.

The dad has to make his decisions knowing that the mum isn't going to pick up any slack. There is no point listing all the things the mum should do if the dad knows she won't.

I always find it frustrating when people list what mum or dad should be doing, sadly there is no way to force them to do the right thing. I hope you find a way to make it affordable @floodypuddle

@HugeAckmansWife you realise the reduction in maintenance when an additional child is brought into the mix is pittance.

I've looked before for my DP and the reduction to his maintenance when we have a child is like £4 a week (he pays weekly).

I was going to add the too - the reduction is tiny. The extras eg uniform, food, milage, club etc costs far more than maintenance usually depending on how much you ahve the children.
Op hoenstly you can make it work just look at all the numbers. The idea of a second job for baby savings is a good idea!

I don't get this thread. Surely nobody is entitled to have a child no matter what just because one wants one? Any child deserves to be brought up with parents who have at least attempted to give them the best thry can give their children so the priority should be to be in this position.

What is stopping OP is money and that's because they moved to a new place. Surely that means is that there is potential for both OP and her OH to get better jobs in time. The priority should be to get back into jobs that put them in a better position and then they'll be able to afford a baby. If any thing that end goal should be a real motivator to get that better paid job.