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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to afford your own DC?

68 replies

floodypuddle · 10/12/2018 15:10

Just that really.. I have two DSD and we did have a good amount of savings enough that we could have had our own but then stepchildrens mother moved 250 miles and we had to follow. It cost us a fortune, all our savings, and we are both on lower paid jobs here with no family support so can't build it back up. Combined with maintenance, all their activities, plus we buy them clothes for both homes (mum doesn't seem care about them looking scruffy to we feel we have to) I am becoming increasingly anxious that were never going to be able to afford it. I love my stepdaughters but it is not the same as having your own child and I don't know what to do.

How did you make it work?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Harpingon · 11/12/2018 20:30

You are just about managing as it is with two children, paying minimum maintenance. How can you even consider having another? I can understand YOU wanting a child but your partner is a parent and must put he children he already has first, he cannot afford another atm.

Lovelife12345 · 12/12/2018 07:31

Firstly are you renting or own? If you rent you will get housing allowance help in Your universal credit:
You can make it work, I would look into
Talking to your partner and explaining that really his maintenance to their mum should cover clothes and their after school activities etc. That's what you pay maintenance for. This I can only imagine will reduce down your expenses a lot! Or look at buying their clothes in charity shops or as bundles on Facebook etc.

You can bulk buy stuff for the baby throughout pregnancy like nappies, wet wipes when on offer, clothes and there is always bundles on baby clothes on facebook selling pages.

Make a list of your outgoings and see what you can cut down and be realistic with some things, I'm sure the sacrifice of sky for example is worth it for your own child.

Maintenance reduces if you have them more overnight, have another child living in your house (new baby) and also if your wages are lower:

My employers are good that instead of taking our holiday they will allow us to use it on days off to boost our wages if needed perhaps see if you can do this and put that money aside for baby stuff. Yes it means you wouldn't get holiday days but is an additional way to save money back. Your first 6 weeks maternity pay is 90% of your wages so the higher you earn for the last 8 weeks of your pregnancy the higher your first 6 weeks pay will be and then it's usually £140 a week. Work wise with childcare you can sort, we did it that my partner worked anytime from 4am-2:30 and then I would work 3-11 in the evenings and Their is always plenty of jobs in hospitality that would allow that. Now he will be staying home and working 16 hours whilst I am working 48 but it's what works for us and our family. Before though we would be earning £1550, got tax credits of £600 a month (we have two boys living with us) and £137 a month child benefit (yours would be £82). And we managed to make it work. Our our going where usually £2000 a month and that is with us paying maintenance to the ex wife (it reduce by about £15 a week adding the boys on the claim) and it also included £100 a month clearing debts and a car on finance.

You will get help with universal credit though the calculator would be good to do... and for the first 9 months you will get maternity pay. You will be able to make it work. But you need to look at outgoings and your partner also needs to realise he shouldn't and doesn't have to buy all the extra for his kids once he's paid maintenance.

Also you will get 85% of your childcare paid back into your universal credit when you go back to work and when baby hits 3 you get 30 hours a week free childcare.

Presume there is no option you could move back nearer your family and he visit the kids on a regular basis?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/12/2018 08:53

oh wow. Just...wow. You made those children second class citizens before an additional child is even conceived. Just incredible.

really his maintenance to their mum should cover clothes and their after school activities etc. That's what you pay maintenance for Yes, children should pack a bag to 'visit' their other parent. They shouldn't feel part of the second household, albeit on a temporary basis, they should just come and go with their suitcases. Really not the father's responsibility to provide even the basics for them. Why not go the whole hog and demand toothbrushes, towels, toothpaste etc. also arrive with them?

Or look at buying their clothes in charity shops or as bundles on Facebook etc Will the baby's clothes also be bought in charity shops?

Maintenance reduces if you have them more overnight, have another child living in your house (new baby) So bugger the routine that the parents may have worked out, push to have the children more so you pay less maintenance? And mum should have to pick up the cost of reduced maintenance because her ex has another child? Or the kids just go without?

you need to look at outgoings and your partner also needs to realise he shouldn't and doesn't have to buy all the extra for his kids once he's paid maintenance really depends how much maintenance is, doesn't it? I have some sympathy if he's paying £1000+ a month but this is rarely the case and mum has a household to maintain just as much as the ex does. It shouldn't be on her to pay for everything. I will hazard a guess her percentage of salary spent on the kids is far greater than that of her ex.

Also you will get 85% of your childcare paid back into your universal credit when you go back to work

That's not necessarily the case, is it? Very much dependent on household income.

Lovelife12345 · 12/12/2018 09:16

@ohreallyohreallyoh I am not saying they have to pack a bag, the OP has no issues with having clothes for the kids, it's the fact the mum allows them to love in scruffy clothes which the dad doesn't like so he feels forced to have to buy them more for their house. I'm sure if he stopped buying them nice clothes she would then start. Usually they know if they send them in crap that dads feel guilty so it's their way of getting more out of them.

The OP shouldn't feel she can't have kids because he has kids from a previous relationship: if the kids lived with her and she was on about not feeding them to feed her baby that's different but they have a home theybdorn live there all the time. She has every right to have w child regardless of whether he has previous. She is asking for advice to help not you criticising.

ViragoKnows · 12/12/2018 09:24

all their activities, plus we buy them clothes for both homes (mum doesn't seem care about them looking scruffy to we feel we have to)

What are their activities? Where do you buy clothes?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/12/2018 09:42

The OP shouldn't feel she can't have kids because he has kids from a previous relationship

Plenty of people don't have any/additional children because they can't afford it. It's an unfortunate fact of life for many.

but they have a home theybdorn live there all the time

No, they have two homes, both of which they live in on a part-time basis (although granted, usually more part-time in one than the other).

She has every right to have w child regardless of whether he has previous

There is no 'right' to have children. We all have to make decisions we would rather not sometimes. Her partner may not want additional children. What then?

Usually they know if they send them in crap that dads feel guilty so it's their way of getting more out of them

Personally I send my children to my ex's in their old clothes because good clothes aren't returned. And like many, I haven't had a penny out of my ex in 10 years. I don't get anything out of him and statistically, neither to the majority of people (usually mothers) who should receive maintenance. Go figure.

She is asking for advice to help not you criticising

Actually, it is your post I was critical of, not the OPs. It is refreshing to see a second family take a look at the situation as a whole and try to work out how it will all fit financially. Too many times, new babies are born to families without any consideration of the overall impact whatsoever.

funinthesun18 · 12/12/2018 09:58

When my dsc have come to ours in clothes that “belong at mum’s”, I wash and bag them until they’re ready to go back. I hate the thought that dsc’s mum thinks we actually want to keep “her” clothes. You keep ‘em love!

CaptainsYuleLog · 12/12/2018 10:01

Just go for it and pay the ex what you are obliged to and not a penny more. Time she took up the slack. Her decision to move, she should pay the cost.

WhiteCat1704 · 12/12/2018 11:54

I don't get anything out of him and statistically, neither to the majority of people (usually mothers) who should receive maintenance. Go figure.

We don't get ANYTHING from SDs mother. 0. The women ownes 2 properties, drives a new car and has been declaring below poverty earnings..it's taking YEARS , she has been found guilty of fraud yet we still got 0.
She was all to happy recieving maintanace and extras when SD lived with her and slagging my DH for "not providing" for his DD..
Go figure...

ghostsandghoulies · 12/12/2018 12:05

It would be perfectly reasonable to stop paying for the extra curriculars. Does that add up to a lot?

HeckyPeck · 12/12/2018 12:10

Just go for it and pay the ex what you are obliged to and not a penny more. Time she took up the slack. Her decision to move, she should pay the cost.

I agree.

Harpingon · 12/12/2018 12:23

Just remember, if that is how he can treat the children he has now then it is how he willbtreat your child if you split up. As a parent I would not be happy to pay the bare minimum for my children. I doubt that you are paying much as it is.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/12/2018 13:44

whitecat ?????? And I am a bad person because?

Original poster

floodypuddle · 12/12/2018 14:34

Whilst it is tempting to say stuff her after how much shes cost us, its not their fault that she's a massive knob so I wouldn't want to do that either.

Pulling activities would etc would only punish them because she isn't bothered enough to step in unfortunately and they need to do some activities of some sort and they would spend all their time on their tablets eating pizza if left to her.

It's all just so frustrating as we were all comfortable before.

OP posts:

PerfectPeony · 12/12/2018 14:48

I can’t believe some people are saying ‘just have them anyway!’ I think that’s such a bad attitude and the reason why there are so many disfuctional step/ blended families (I grew up in one of them).

OP you sound very responsible and I’m glad you’re both thinking about his existing children. I hope it works out for you.

HeckyPeck · 12/12/2018 17:53

I can’t believe some people are saying ‘just have them anyway!’

I don’t think OP should have to miss out on having kids because her step kids mum moved them 250 miles away and refused to pay anything for their activities or buy them decent clothes.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/12/2018 18:51

Depends why she moved, perhaps? To be near family? To be able to work? To be able to keep a roof over her and her children’s heads? As for activities, clothes etc., not everyone can afford them and wasn’t there a poster up thread who thought it perfect,y reasonable the step children should be dressed in second hand clothes? Is that not the case now?

HeckyPeck · 12/12/2018 19:36

We don’t know why she moved, but I’m inclined to guess selfish reasons as she is someone who wouldn’t even bother to buy her kids decent clothes/pay for activities for them.

I’m impressed that OP and her DH uprooted themselves and moved 250 giving up their careers. And they pay for all extras with no contribution from the mum.

OP you’re a better person than I am. I don’t think I would move 250 miles if my DSD’s mum decided to uproot them both. Especially if doing so would mean my qualify of life would be worse and I’d have to give up something I’d always wanted for it.

funinthesun18 · 12/12/2018 20:06

Dads move away for selfish reasons full stop, and mums get a long list of excuses. I swear some people trip over themselves to come in and stick up for mums no matter what.

Harpingon · 12/12/2018 20:13

I think we need to remember that these are real children who actually exist here. Those who are advocating cutting their maintenance, paying only for the essentials, stopping their activities and buying only second hand for them (if at all) really need to think about what they are encouraging someone to do here.
There are alot of kids living under the poverty line in this country and it's not pretty, their childhoods are not good.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/12/2018 20:50

Dads move away for selfish reasons full stop, and mums get a long list of excuses

Is that what I said? Or even implied? You can’t imagine circumstances in which moving is an option?

she is someone who wouldn’t even bother to buy her kids decent clothes/pay for activities for them

But it’s OK for step children to have second hand clothes? That has been said up thread and remains largely unchallenged? My kids have never done after school activities but you know fuck all of my circumstances so I dare you to judge me.

funinthesun18 · 12/12/2018 21:39

You can’t imagine circumstances in which moving is an option?

I can for both sexes. Work, family support, cheaper housing. Eg I think it’s ok for the nrp to move too so that they’re in an affordable house with more space rather than 1 bed flat they can barely afford. Yes I think moving is an option most definitely.

funinthesun18 · 12/12/2018 21:41

And no I don’t think the nrp is always a man before anyone has a go, and the same with or not always being a woman. I’m just using it as an example.

Pasithea · 12/12/2018 21:44

Floody. Funnily enough no I don’t. Kids are grown up now and have kids of their own. I’ll never be nanny or grandma but that’s ok.

Beamur · 12/12/2018 21:55

I have 2 SC's but wanted a child of my own, I would not have stayed with DH (then DP) otherwise.
We have DD now and I'm very glad. My SC's are lovely but it's a totally different thing to have a child of your own.
If you want a baby, then you'll find a way. It is the impact on earnings and childcare that's most expensive. If I were you I wouldn't compromise on this.

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