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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How much influence does SM have?

78 replies

busybrown · 23/11/2018 08:09

DS has had a SM in his life from day dot (more or less), I fear I see her influence in DS more and more, I'm struggling with it. Surely it should just be me and his dad who influence his upbringing. I fear she is pushing her interests into him too much and I don't know if this is normal or appropriate. What are your experiences ?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

swingofthings · 26/11/2018 07:13

The thing is because OP hasn't come back, we don't really know how upset her DS is with it and therefore how pushy the SM is to influence her lifestyle on him. It's not even clear whether it's her or her with dad.

There's a big difference between a teenage moan that they had to get up at 8am and that they are annoyed that he still couldn't beat his SM who was teasing him about it, especially if say he is now talker than her, and forcing a crying 10yo to go, and screaming at him when he wants to stop because he is about to collapse but SM tell him he is a wimp and needs to man up, leaving him on the spot.

The first is positive influence and normal teenage moan. The second is emotional abuse.

Original poster

busybrown · 26/11/2018 07:47

From what my DS has said, his step mother is the 'the boss in the house' she decides what they do and when. Which I don't think is right. Surely it should be up to DS and his dad to decide. Not her deciding what works for her and expecting the boys to tow the line. DS just says she makes it look really easy, she'll finish and then run back to find him or pace him but he really doesn't like that as he feels he can't stop and she won't have even broken a sweat. She won't talk to me anymore, isn't there at drop offs or stays in the car and has blocked me which I think is massively out of order so I can't even address it with her directly.

OP posts:

xeran · 26/11/2018 07:49

My kids SM is an angel sent from heaven.

I regularly call her to discuss parenting issues we’re having. I love the bloody bones of her

Bumply · 26/11/2018 07:59

I love parkrun. Have my 50 milestone T-shirt and working towards by 100.
I got my teen son to run it once, but he didn't enjoy it, so I got him into volunteering at parkrun instead and he's using that on his personal statement for Uni.

ZackPizzazz · 26/11/2018 08:02

You genuinely talk about your son like he's about 4. He's (at least) 13! If he can't run a bloody 5k there's a problem, and he NEEDS to do parkrun because he's dangerously sedentary!

Just reading your posts is suffocating. You need to get a life, desperately.

WipsGlitter · 26/11/2018 08:04

You obviously have massive issues with her. You need to back off and either address it with your ex or leave it. Please, please don't drag your DS into it by interrogating him about what's going on all the time.

You cannot maintain this level of control.

Miscible · 26/11/2018 08:07

If your son doesn't like this, why doesn't he just stay at home whilst SM does the park run?

StarsAndMoonlight · 26/11/2018 08:11

She won't talk to me anymore, isn't there at drop offs or stays in the car and has blocked me

Why..?

Look, this is for your husband to manage.

If your son is truly unhappy there, he will soon start refusing to go. My son did.

Are you sure your son isn't just telling you what you want to hear? Or is at least influenced sufficiently to only highlight the things he isn't keen on?

I'd try speaking positively about it. Find the positives. Talk it up. See what his response is then.

Wrybread · 26/11/2018 08:14

So it sounds like you have a grudge against her already. And have treated her badly already, which is why she's blocked you and stays away from you.

Which is a sensible thing for her to do. To stop your ds from seeing conflict between you both.

He's known her his entire life. It's normal that he'll pick up some interests from her too. My dc pick up some interests from their dad's dp. That's great, because it means that they have a good relationship with her. Which means they're happier at his house. I'd much rather that then them hate her and be miserable there!

So that's one issue.

The other is whether your ds does really share that interest.

When their dad's dp came into their life, my dc acted (to me) like it was a chore doing fun things with her. That wax because see they didn't want to be disloyal to me. So I was really positive about her. And once I was, they started being honest that they did enjoy doing things with her.

So the tricky thing is to set work out whether he's being negative about her because he knows you don't like her, or because he genuinely doesn't like the parkrun.

And you won't know, unless you stop being negative about her yourself.

Wrybread · 26/11/2018 08:16

Ack, sorry about the typos. Autocorrect

lifebegins50 · 26/11/2018 08:25

She is obviously fit and that is not negative.Good for her.
Your son has a choice, he can choose not to do it.
I guess he feels embarrassed that he isn't as fit as her.

You have a choice in your response, you can support him to talk to his dad so he doesn't run but goes along or you can encourage him that he is doing great in running and reassure him he will get better. In a year with effort he could keep up woth her...why not encourage that?

I think he is venting his embarrassment to you and probadly would like to do better. Most teen boys would love to feel they can do a park run in good time. By 12 by ds was a faster runner than both his parents.

I don't think you should speak to her..talk to your son and encourage him to speak to his dad.

harrypotterfan1604 · 26/11/2018 08:25

My SM came into my life when I was 7, she split from my dad when I was 11 and I’m now 30 and still to this day conside her my SM. We talk on the phone daily and see each other whenever work allows.
She has been a huge influence in my life and has supported me greatly and continues to support me now I’m an adult.
To this day my own mum hates the relationship, doesn’t understand it and thinks it’s odd how much influence she has had over the years. Without my SM influence I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today I’d have taken a different path I’m quite sure and certainly not for the better.

otterturk · 26/11/2018 08:44

Umm she sounds like a really great influence OP. Slobbing about all weekend isn't for everyone and 5km isn't far.

yakari · 26/11/2018 08:54

She won't talk to me anymore, isn't there at drop offs or stays in the car and has blocked me which I think is massively out of order so I can't even address it with her directly.

Because she doesn't need to talk to you about this, talk to your ex. The only thing you're saying that sounds reasonable is for your DS or your Ex to ask that she doesn't go back and join him, to let him finish in his own time. I'd hate this from a friend/parent/anyone so fair enough to ask it to stop.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 09:00

So, she finishes her run, and then goes back to find him and encourage/help him to finish?

What a bitch.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/11/2018 09:05

Just like all your other threads you need counselling. You are projecting all sorts of your issues into your DS and if you continue you will end up pushing him away.

Your DS SM has done nothing wrong and you are making mountains out of molehills.

ShesABelter · 26/11/2018 09:22

I think she sounds brilliant actually and I'd happily have someone as a SM like that for my kids if me and DH weren't together.

Alot of teens do need motivated and a kick up the bum to exercise and I think it's lovely she said she'd buy him running trainers if he completed five runs.

It's not her fault he doesn't want to stay at home. Which is a bit strange for a teen to be fair.

Also if she's been in his life from day dot as you say she is a fairly important person in his life and I imagine any negativity towards her will have been spurred on by you by the sounds of it. It does sound like jealousy.

rookiemere · 26/11/2018 10:29

DH and I enjoy doing parkrun. DS 12 doesn't particularly and has had an ankle issue for the past few weeks.
Yes it's fun if you like running, but I can see that if you're not so keen on it, it would pall as a weekly activity- DS much prefers rugby or football.

Also I enjoy it a lot less when DH tries to turn it into a competition. I'm slower than him and will never be faster so it's hardly much of a race. SM should realise that she is demotivating DS if she's making a thing of it

Surely DF could simply not go on occasion. DS may be more amenable to being on his own if it wasn't every week. it may only be half an hour but you have to get there and back and allow time for that.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 10:35

Surely DF could simply not go on occasion.

But that's absolutely not the OP's call. Nor is expecting to be consulted about how her ex chooses to get her son home. He organised a perfectly sensible method under the circumstances. The OP is letting her own issues cloud all this.

I doubt the ex had to twist his son's arm to go off (with money) to the arcade with his mates and to get an ice cream. If he'd insisted he stay behind in the pub (possibly getting bored), you'd have also had a problem with that. To be honest, it sounds as if you'd have an issue with pretty much anything he does.

Back off, and get on with making your own life better, if you're unhappy.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 10:45

Sorry, am mixing up your threads here. Some of that should have gone on the other thread you currently have. Oh, wait! I say, "currently," but it's about to be deleted as it seems you're a PBP.

saj90 · 26/11/2018 10:52

I am not surprised she has blocked you and won't speak to you. Reading through all your other threads, you have a real issue with this woman, based purely on your own insecurities.

Speaking as a SM, I would have done the same.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 26/11/2018 10:53

“.......don't know many young teens who can run 5km.....”

That’s only about 3 miles. I’d be shocked if any thirteen-year-old could NOT run that far at a reasonable pace. Not when they are tired or ill or injured, obvs but that distance is just normal for a human being and if they can’t do that they are setting themselves up for an impaired life.

AhoyDelBoy · 26/11/2018 11:11

our weekend focus is recovery from the week, movies on the sofa etc.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/11/2018 11:41

She won't talk to me anymore

I don't blame her. This and your other deleted threads show you are obsessed with her.

SD1978 · 26/11/2018 13:12

I'm so sorry you are this bitter and upset still with her. She has been there, and helped his dad raise him, ever since he was a baby. She is the only partner your son has ever known to be with his dad. You make out like she's new and controlling things- she's been in your child's life for 13 years. You need to get over it. I'm not surprised she will no longer communicate with you. The last 13 years have probably been hellish. I really think you need to get some help. Please see your GP about speaking to someone x

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