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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How much influence does SM have?

78 replies

busybrown · 23/11/2018 08:09

DS has had a SM in his life from day dot (more or less), I fear I see her influence in DS more and more, I'm struggling with it. Surely it should just be me and his dad who influence his upbringing. I fear she is pushing her interests into him too much and I don't know if this is normal or appropriate. What are your experiences ?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WhiteCat1704 · 23/11/2018 08:20

Surely it should just be me and his dad who influence his upbringing

Ermm..what about grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends parents, siblings, cousins, nursery staff, teachers etc?

What is wrong with your sons step mother interests?
My SDs mother had MASSIVE issues when I was advising SD to take a scientific subject for her GCSEs...apparently it was because I wanted her to be like me- I didn't.
SD didn't take a scientific subject in the end. Her life her choice. She is also no contact with her mother.

You don't say how old your son is but your question says to me you are very insecure about his step mother. You shouldn't...she will never come even close to how important you, as his mother, are to him.

mummmy2017 · 23/11/2018 08:29

If the things she is doing are not hurting your child, and she is kind and caring to him, you need to just be grateful your child is happy.
NO one will stop your child loving you.

TooSassy · 23/11/2018 08:50

I fear I see her influence in DS more and more, I'm struggling with it

OP, are you able to articulate what sort of things it is that you are seeing in your DS that you are starting to struggle with? I mean are they negative/ worrying things?

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 08:54

It's inevitable that your child will be influenced by the other adults in his life, teachers, relatives, anyone who touches his life. I think you'll have to accept that to an extent, though I can see why it's bruising.

Having said that, I would be pretty pissed off at another adult (other than one of my child's teachers) trying to influence their GCSE choices. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

swingofthings · 23/11/2018 09:11

Indeed what age is he and what influence are you talking about? I thought my DD's SM was influencing her in a way I didn't like at all when she was about 11 and she went from not caring much about her appearance to becoming obsessed with it. Her SM is very much into her looks, won't go out without make up, botox, expensive hair do etc... and I didn't like it at all and wasn't impressed when she, suggested DD had bright colour added into her hair - which I personally found very.... well not my style!

I was wrong though, the influence was more coming from her girlfriends l, with SM just being someone to talk about it with. She got over that stage and returned to not caring about cosmetic and just having a trim every 6 months.

It's easy to assume influence comes from one person rather coming from the child own personality or influences from other sources.

Hengine · 23/11/2018 09:14

It depends what it is!
As an example,
Influencing your child to eat meat when you’re vegetarian would unacceptable in my opinion.
However, Guiding a career choice in an area the SM has knowledge or expertise is positive and would benefit your son.

WhiteCat1704 · 23/11/2018 09:41

Having said that, I would be pretty pissed off at another adult (other than one of my child's teachers) trying to influence their GCSE choices. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

Erm..SD was asking for advice, sharing her thoughts with us. Her father gave her advice and so did I. I was there and happened to think physics would be a much better choice then drama. How is that overstepping?

SD made the decision herself. Her mother strongly negated both mine and SDs fathers advice with silly accusations. In the end SD decided she couldn't handle a science-she could have.

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 09:45

Whitecat, maybe it's just difficult for me to imagine somebody else influencing my child's GCSE choices because I am projecting very involved and interested in their education, so it would piss me off massively if someone who wasn't their parent or teacher felt it was their place to interfere.

Your SD asked for your opinion and you gave it, nothing wrong with that at all. Sorry.

Bluebell878275 · 23/11/2018 09:55

If you are seeing the influences are having a negative effect then you are right to be concerned. However, anything other than that you have to try and get past it really. This is the reality of separated parents.. if a child has a good relationship with their step-parent then there will be some evidence of that. This should be a good thing really and will show how happy your child must be.

I do disagree with this.... You shouldn't...she will never come even close to how important you, as his mother, are to him I think a parent needs to be open and prepared for their child to love a step-parent. It might be a different type of love they have to their parents but it may not be far off being as important. Parents need to be careful to not put themselves on a pedestal to think their children couldn't love someone else as much as them.

PatriciaHolm · 23/11/2018 09:57

Well, if she's been a fixture since he was very little, she's married to his dad and he has a good relationship with his dad and sees him regularly, it's pretty much inevitable. Assuming it's coming from a good place, having another adult loving and looking out for your child is a good thing.

Having seen your other thread, I think the issue is much more that you are jealous of her entire life, which isn't a healthy place to be. Have you posted about this before? I'm sure i remember something very similar.

WhiteCat1704 · 23/11/2018 10:03

I think a parent needs to be open and prepared for their child to love a step-parent. It might be a different type of love they have to their parents but it may not be far off being as important.

I think that if the relationship is healthy the love for the parent will always come before love for the step parent..I think it's very natural...of course if parent is very toxic it might be different.

NorthernSpirit · 23/11/2018 10:16

I’m a DSM to 2 kids.

The mother isn’t educated, is racist, bigoted and small minded. I see this coming through in The DSC (the racist comments in particular make me shudder).

Personally I hope do have a (positive) influence on the children.

Original poster

busybrown · 23/11/2018 11:24

I find it really difficult as it's an area I have no interest in, sport. She especially is very focused on the importance of fitness, I'm not so much. She's highly competitive, pushing DS even when he's tired. I don't think it's right, he needs time to rest - like we do - our weekend focus is recovery from the week, movies on the sofa etc. But with her/them it seems to be go, go, go! I don't know many young teens who can run 5km (I can't) but she insists they do it as a family every week. DS gets upset because she beats him every week, surely they should run at his pace to make it enjoyable for him ?!

OP posts:

stuffedpeppers · 23/11/2018 11:37

5 kms every week!!!

I am ultra competitive and hate losing but with kids you realise that sometimes you have to fake it to make it work when you play any game - sport, board or otherwise.

I played scrabble with my Dad nad every so often he would let me win. The day I properly beat him and he had made no allowances or copped a low score to help me -I was so proud of myself. If he had not done the odd lose - I would have got disheartened and stopped playing - reverse psychology.

I feel for your DC - having that shove in your fact every time would drive me bonkers

swingofthings · 23/11/2018 11:46

There's a big difference in answering a kid who is asking what physics GCSEs entail and whether they think this would be a good choice and a kid saying they want to take drama and SM saying that this is a bad idea because drama is a waste of subject and they should take physics instead because it lead tooa much better career - especially if SM works in that filed and mum happens to love drama.

Both my OH and kids' SM have discussed/given suggestion about gcses/A levels which is perfectly fine however it would be unacceptable to try to dissuade them on something they want to do just because they don't agree on it. It's bad enough parents il putting too much of their influence in the process for SP to add to it.

swingofthings · 23/11/2018 11:53

I'm the SM in you case OP, fitness mad. 5km a week is nothing to me. However, neither my kids are into it like Oh and I (then again I wasn't at their age either). I did sign them up to our gym for a while, tried to encourage them to run with me but when it was clear they didn't have the same interest to me, I let it go.

How old is your son? Is he upset at running at all or just that he is losing? If the latter, then it indicates that he is indeed competitive so that might not be a bad thing to encourage. If he is however complaining that he never wants to go running but is forced to because they both go at the same time and won't leave him at home, than that's not right, but it's his father who should slow things down and spend time with him doing things your son enjoys.

Magda72 · 23/11/2018 12:26

Hmmm OP this is a tricky one. Like @swingofthings my dd started obsessing about her looks and weight aged about 10 (she's now almost 13). This was a direct result of being at her dads where her sm & dad constantly pass comment on peoples appearance. Her sm is weight (not fitness) obsessed & honestly I didn't like this at all. I spoke to my dd about it but also spoke to ex & said I didn't want dd under pressure to straighten her hair etc. - sm kept suggesting it as DD's hair is quite unruly & dd was absorbing such comments/suggestions as criticism. He of course said I was being unreasonable but at least I said my piece.
Depending on your ds's age I'd encourage him to talk to his dad & say he doesn't want to do this every weekend & could they sometimes do something else such as a walk instead. I'm all for fitness but kids do also need to rest. Once my dd knew I had her back it gave her the confidence to tell her sm to ease off & also to tell both her & her dad that they shouldn't be discussing people's weight & appearance all the time!
All came to a head this summer when sm told dd to borrow her bikinis to tan properly - made dd v self conscious & I was proud that she was able to say no; that she wasn't happy yet with wearing bikinis or lying out in the sun!

lifeinpieces123 · 23/11/2018 13:38

What's really the problem here. You worrying about DS are forced to do something that he doesn't want to do? Or you worrying about SM influencing your DS's lifestyle?

As the mum of your son, you are every right to voice your concern or speak up for him, but you also need to accept that you don't any have control over what's going on in the other household unless there is health and safety concern that you may need to escalate.

On a separate note, kids sometimes need to be pushed......if you ask my DSS, he will be happy to just playing on his xbox 24/7, and he doesn't want to do maths, second language, sports, music, tutoring at all if he gets to choose!

lifeinpieces123 · 23/11/2018 13:39

you have, not you are...sorry!

Jent13c · 23/11/2018 13:48

Honestly I wish I had some influence in my life that encouraged me to do regular exercise. I don't personally see it as a problem if he's having a run once a week/once a fortnight. If he wasnt wanting to do it then it would be an issue or if she was criticising you for not having him exercise then again I would have words but otherwise it is teaching him good healthy habits for the future.

WhiteCat1704 · 23/11/2018 14:20

She's highly competitive, pushing DS even when he's tired.
Surely that's not a bad thing..unless you are concerned your son is being harmed and forced to do things against his wishes I don't see what's so bad about teenager excersisng on weekends with his family rather than sitting in front of a screen...
It will benefit your son to see different options on how families spend their weekends..he can rest with you and be more active with his dad?

Swing-when I advised SD on choice of subjects(and yes I was saying physics would be better choice for her career prospects than drama) it had nothing to do with what her mother likes/dislikes(she actually is not artistic)..it was my opinion based on who SD is and what I thought she is capable of. I don't think I overstepped at all as SD asked what I think(about her choices not what physics GCSE entails) but out of interest-is your OH not allowed to give your children his opinions on their life choices?

lifeinpieces123 · 23/11/2018 14:28

My DSS did complain to his mum occasionally about "I don't want to go to daddy's place because they made me do extra maths over the weekend". So what shall we do? Stop him getting extra tutoring due to the fear of him not wanting to come? Isn't that so called Disney parenting for NRP?

PatriciaHolm · 23/11/2018 17:06

don't know many young teens who can run 5km

That's 3 miles. The average reasonably fit teen should really be able to manage that, even if it's a light jog with stopping. The fact that many of them can't isn't a good thing!

You have to let his dad (and his dads family) have responsibility and expectations on their time.

swingofthings · 23/11/2018 17:46

Whitecat, it comes down to how things are said, a lot of it actually being non verbal. I've seen step-parents, teachers, grand parents giving their views but it comes with full of indirect criticism of what they might be interested in doing and making them feel that if they don't pick one choice, they are making a big mistake, are stupid etc...

My OH of course can give his opinion and does so but in a way that portrays no judgement.

By the way, not saying that's not how you share your views yourself, just talking in general. Influencing someone can mean different things, it can be encouraging as much as judging critically.

HerondaleDucks · 23/11/2018 18:11

That's park run isn't it? It's very healthy to be able to run that and if you run the whole thing it should only take 30 to 40 mins. That's not a massive amount, even I do park run and the atmosphere is amazing and it can be very competitive.
Why are you upset about her encouraging an interest in sport and fitness. In a time when there is a worrying increase in under 25s having type 2 diabetes which can cause kidney failure, blindness and loss of limb; isn't it good your son is being influenced to be healthy and active? What's to say the rest of his time at his dad's isn't resting and watching films?
Sometimes I find that exercise helps me when I feel mentally tired, its like recharging the batteries.
Rather than worrying about it why don't you show am interest as well. You also don't know if he developed an interest at school and she's just picked up on it and is reflecting it back?
If she was influencing him to take drugs, not go to school and be abusive I would rightly be concerned. But thus just sounds like jealousy!

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