How much influence does SM have?

[busybrown]

DS has had a SM in his life from day dot (more or less), I fear I see her influence in DS more and more, I'm struggling with it. Surely it should just be me and his dad who influence his upbringing. I fear she is pushing her interests into him too much and I don't know if this is normal or appropriate. What are your experiences ?!

My kids could both have fun 5k by early teens, and could also hand beaten me in a race (but I'm probably less fit than your son's SM). But by that she I would start to expect a child to be able to have a say in going out as a family to do something he doesn't enjoy. If he really doesn't want to run he should say so to his SM and dad. It's possible he's aware that you have different views on exercise from his SM and is more negative about it to you than he is to her. If that's the case you're probably best just to make light of it.

Honestly I am a SM and I think I have quite a big influence on DP’s DDs. They look up to me and love me, and I’m so happy they do because it means I’m doing a good job of caring for them
It appears jealousy is clouding your judgement tbh.
Speaking as a mother of a DS who’s dad has had gfs that DS didn’t like, I am relieved that he now has a caring nice SM who likes to include him in the activities she does with her own kids. I’m grateful (and count myself extremely lucky!) that DS likes her so much and they have shared interests because what would be the alternative?
Would you rather your DS didn’t like her, or she didn’t involve him in her life?

Unless your son is crying and being forced into it, you're being unreasonable. You want to slob out on the couch all weekend- fine (so do I) they like to do park run. I don't see the issue. They aren't making him do anything extreme; and I'm sure there is plenty of 'downtime' as that into takes an hour. I don't believe in giving false wins to kids- it's not realistic- but if she's rubbing it in his face that's unnecessary too. We usually do activities every weekend/ mainly because otherwise we'd just sit around the house and I doubt the wee one would like that. It sounds more you're projecting than your son has issue. Many families are 'active' families. It's not for me, I know I'm lazy, but I wouldn't judge someone who isn't.

If it’s park run then what an amazing thing for your DS’s SM to be involving him in. I think this is more about your own insecurities. Your DS loves you and always will do. Try and see his SM like an Aunty who is influencing him in a positive way and picking up an area of his life (sport) that you have no interest in.

Yes it's parkrun. Its really early in the morning and by Saturday he's just beat. Even if he doesn't feel like running they make him go and wait, which I don't think is fair as DS doesn't want to be left in house alone. She'll never miss it even if it's raining ! DS says she'll finish and then come and find him finish the last bit, by which point he's generally walking and she makes him run again which makes him feel unwell. She'll set him incentives etc, if he gets a PB. But he's not been able to crack the most recent one. The first one was to get to 5 parkrun's and she'd buy him proper running shoes. Which I thought was just extravagant.
I don't think it's jealousy on my part, I think it's more I just want me and his dad to parent him. Not have this outside influence constantly there. Even when he plays football she's there, he never gets a break from her.

OP - i think you should have a conversation about this with your son's dad. I have experience of this from both sides. It can be hard but I remind myself that when my children are with my ex it is up to her, her choices and her decisions including the level of involvement of her partner. When they're with me, it is up to me. This is a lot easier than it could be as my ex and i are very close and we are both supportive of each other's relationships etc. My stepdaughter's mother is very different. She feels that as the mother she has the ultimate say in her daughter's life. My partner is a fantastic parent, he has always been a very involved parent and we share custody 50/50 (of all our children). She says very negative things to my stepdaughter about her dad; it is very stressful for a 7 year old to carry the negativity

I have waffled, sorry. I guess im just making tge point that family blending is really hard :(

Does he want a break from her, or is that you projecting?
Do you expect her not to have hobbies? You said he doesn’t like being left alone... well why isn’t his dad staying with him then? Why is this SM’s fault?
Honestly you’re still sounding jealous and like you’re looking for excuses to dislike her

To be honest 5km takes 30mins .. it’s half an hour on a sat am at about half 8/9.
I’d be asking myself who the problem is with... is it his SM that is causing you the issue?

OP, your other thread makes it very clear that you are very jealous of her, and the lifestyle she has with your sons' father.

That is your issue, not your sons. From what you've said they sound like decent, involved parents/stepparents. Their lifestyle is different to yours, yes, but that doesn't make it wrong, or worse for your son. Just different.

Why does a young teen not want to be left alone? Mine are younger than that and would be delighted to be left alone :)

Exercise is a good thing. 5km really is not far and should easily be within the capabilities of a young teen. Look on it like this... the SM is potentially equipping your child with skills to support their physical and mental health.

The way you describe it, I think it might be best for everyone if your DS joins them after park run is finished. If he hates it, he shouldn’t have to do it.

I'm a bit confused- you say by Saturday he's beat. It's on a Saturday isn't it? He doesn't get made to participate- he can sit in the car- I don't see that as an issue- and new running shoes aren't extravagant- they are important. Having goals/PB's don't seem unreasonable. There is obviously some back story with other posts- I've not seen them. I do think though that your objections are a bit strange and flimsy. They are doing something together that takes less than an hour. He can sleep in on a Sunday.

But he is being given a choice, stay at home (for what an hour or so) or come and sit outside while she does it (does your ex also run it?)

I actually don't see a problem with this and I had a SM who was always trying to impose shit on me. I'm slightly more sympathetic to the pushing him on PBs and bribing him to participate and you should speak to your ex about that - because I assume it sets a precedent for bribes on completing or succeeding in other areas. It does sound a bit like you're not sporty and so don't understand or judge her for being keen.

Ultimate what do you propose changes - that she (and if your ex also runs - they...) give up a hobby because your teenage son is there? Surely you can see that's unreasonable.

Park run is not early, it's 9am or later. Its not hard work, if he can stay on his own, I assume he is 2ndary school., 5k is not a long distance at that age, you get 8 yo and even younger doing partkrun in my town.

If he hated it so much, he just wouldn't go. He would beg to stay even if they wouldn't let him but they do. It does come across as if he is recounting you what happens and you interpret that he is for éd to do something that he hates and is bad for him.

I agree with other posters, I'm sorry, but it sounds like hos SM is the good influence in his life if she is promoting healthy lifestyle and encouraging him to push himself. He might feel a bit sick when he runs again, but that part of it, the thing he might not telling you or that you choose to ignore is that along with that feeling a bit sick, he will have tons of endorphins kicking in and the benefits of these will do him tons of good.

I have to say I expected the opposite scenario with a mum supporting and encouraging her son to be active and competitive complaining of a SM influencing him to be iddle, happy to leave on his xbox all day, feeding him crap unhealthy food, not moaning of A SM actually being a good influence by all educational and health standards.

Has he actually said he doesn't like her encouraging him to go to and participate in park run? Or is this interpretation on your part?
Does he actually say he doesn't want her at football? Or does he like have an extra person there to cheer him on?
What is she doing that is so awful? Taking teenager out and encouraging a healthy lifestyle isn't parenting. My blinking neighbour got us all into park run and she's not parenting anyone?

I'd not want a SM advising my child on her GCSE choices. I'd be pissed off that she tbought Physics was better than Drama. That's overstepping IMO.

I think 3 miles is a lot to run every week as a matter of routine. The problem is having a Dad who can't stand up and advocate for his child.

Unfortunately if a SM is in your child's life...they may ultimately influence and shape who they become. Sometimes it's not a bad thing...fitness is good...but I get annoyed with ultra competitive people.

My DH is one and will never ever let the kids win anything... but I can't do anything about it.

5km is fine for a young person and it's not too early. My dc wouldn't be keen getting up but probadly be glad afterwards.
Fitness is important so should be encouraged..different to you but not negative

You can keep fit without running 5k on a Saturday or Sunday. He could play a sport he enjoys.

The main thing is does he have a choice in it? If he doesn't have a choice....and is more or less forced that's not good.

Why does it have to be a race every week?

Perhaps tell him that SM has been running for many years (probably before he was born), so she's more experienced.

Even if he doesn't feel like running they make him go and wait, which I don't think is fair as DS doesn't want to be left in house alone.

Just saw this.

Can you speak to his dad?

I'd agree most teens are fine at home for a few hours. Try and work on that with him.

My DC were coming home alone from year 7 and were fine for a couple of hours.

You arent jealous...just concerned about your child...but the SMs on here will brand you as jealous. Nonsense.

You know your child.

Your son goes to the park run because he doesn't want to be in the house alone: so clearly his SM isn't making him go to the park, she's just making a decision not to cancel her park run. What is the problem with that? She's not even making him go on the run if he does go with them. Are you seriously saying that, if your son doesn't want to go out, his SM should cancel her plans just so that he's not alone in the house for a short while?

don't know many young teens who can run 5km

Barring disabilities I don’t know any young teenagers who couldn’t run 5k.

She’s been the third parent since DS was a baby, if YOU carry on like this you’ll lose him.

My daughter's SM has completely different interests to me. I'm more 'natural'; camping at festivals; classical music concerts; live quite simply.

She is 'glamourous'; eats at Michelin star restaurants; hotels; listens to pop music; video games... We couldn't be more different.

My daughter looks like 2 different people at times - when she's with me, she's all jeans, festival t shirts and DMs yet she can apply make up expertly, can name all the best restaurants in town...

I can choose to be cross that she has an external influence that places value on women's appearance and materialistic preferences (both of which I have huge issues with personally) or I can choose to think that it's a positive thing that she has someone in her life who cares enough to want to do these things with her.

My ex is, quite literally, a Disney Dad and I have internal eye rolls regarding many things to do with him. But it's just a different way of doing life and it won't hurt my daughter to have different experiences that I wouldn't give her.

You really need to chill and get on with it.

I wonder how much different your son's attitude would be if you said, "Park Run?! Wow, that's brilliant. Fancy that. Have you earnt your running shoes yet?" Because your negativity will be influencing him and that's not fair.

I could understand if you were saying they were doing nothing but playing video games and eating nachos all day but something that is a positive - developing fitness - is something you should be encouraging.

I would say that is a benefit to your son. Being able to run 5k is a good thing. Do they do park run? Even if running is not his thing it's still good for him. Presumably his dad does it too?

"like we do - our weekend focus is recovery from the week, movies on the sofa etc."
Unless he has health issues or does a lot of physical activity during the week, a teenager should not need to spend the weekend on the sofa to recover......

There are 4/5/6 year olds doing parkrun (and sometimes beating me 😳) at my local run most weeks. It’s 9am, not 4am. It is neither early nor a long way to run. It doesn’t sound like anyone is forcing him to run either.

Could SM be encouraging DS to be more active because she is concerned about his weight? It sounds like his lifestyle might otherwise be quite sedentary if he’s struggling with this.