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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling guilty

62 replies

Cleon91 · 19/11/2018 10:23

Hi, new to the forum so take it easy. I’ve just had a new born with my current gf and I already have a 5year old boy and 9 year old girl with an ex. My partner has a 5 year old boy. Yesterday my children met their day old sister for the first time and I couldn’t help but feel guilty as anything that my son kept asking why do I live with her and my partners son but not him. It really got to him and I could tell it was cutting him up inside and I couldn’t help but feel massively guilty because i have always wanted my children to live with me full time. Does any one else feel the same in this sort of situation? I see my children from ex every weekend and call them every night but it’s really starting to drag me down how they must feel about my newborn and my gfs son living with me and they can’t it also don’t help that my little boy Is really close to me and cry’s at the ex’s house because he misses me. Hope this makes sense would be grateful for any replies.

OP posts:
Goldrain · 19/11/2018 14:40

she has total disrespect for my children

I'm speechless. Your poor kidsSad

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/11/2018 14:41

TooSassy - nail on the head. People unless they have a mental illness are unlikely as adults to have a full personality transplant.
Op needs to try and figure this out for all the children involved!

Oswin · 19/11/2018 15:13

No she's been horrible from the start. Before her pregnancy. How can your heart go out to someone who is bullying a child. Before she has the baby she didn't allow the children round. She's awful.

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/11/2018 15:14

You had a baby with her and choose her as your partner! You also said she changed when heavily pregnant - so both can't be true

Oswin · 19/11/2018 15:14

And the leaving her every weekend is her bloody doing. If she wasn't such a prick she would have him around.

Singlenotsingle · 19/11/2018 15:30

You need your own place OP. You want to be with your first two DC at weekends but you can't take them to the gfs house because she doesn't want them and her DS is resentful and won't let them play. I'm sure they don't want to be there anyway. What does their DM say about it? At

TooSassy · 19/11/2018 16:08

There is a lot going on here and we are hearing one side of it all.
As I said, either the OP has unfortunately picked totally the wrong person to have a family with.
Or the OP himself is completely blissfully unaware about how his thoughts, actions and behaviour are impacting his partner.

There are a lot of changes in this household and the reality is that OP, you do sound as though you are consumed by guilt over the fact that you don't live with your son. I would find that EXHAUSTING to live with.
It is completely soul destroying to be able to put someone else first, including from time to time before your own DC, be happy and look at them and realise that the only people who fulfil that role for them, is their own children. If my DP had said that the only children he was going to spend time with were his own, I would have shown him the door in that moment.

I could of course be being intensely generous towards this woman and she could infact be the devil incarnate. Somehow, I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

swingofthings · 19/11/2018 16:32

Agree with TooSasy too, something has gone askew at some point. How long have you been together? You talk of her house and your house, are you not living together? You go away every weekend, since when? Did she work? Because if so and you left her on her own every weekend, I can understand her upset and this upset turning into resentment, sadly directed to the person she believes to be the cause.

Does the boy have any contact with his father? Was your baby planned? I can't wonder if she was looking for a dad replacement for her son, thought having a baby would seal you to her and him, and assumed the kids would only be there as nothing more than occasional visitors.

Good on you for not letting her resentment destroy your kids. You now need to think what is best for the future. You now have three kids whose needs have to come first. How do you make it work?

Cl91 · 19/11/2018 16:43

2 years, the first time she ever met them was a disaster, I didn’t let her see them for a few months after that again. Yes the boy sees his dad every week, my kids are with me every weekend and school holidays I take as much time off work as I can to spend extra time with them, the reason for not being around her most weekends is if I don’t get the abuse she starts picking at my children, I agreed the best way for my children to be able to enjoy my time with them is with me and me alone, I don’t like my children coming to see me to feel they can’t be them selfs around me because of certain peopl, my little boy struggles with being unconfident and shy as it is and I don’t want him to be knocked any more, the only people he’ll open up to me is his mum and his grandparents. He struggled a lot with starting school because of how shy he is. It’s taken me and my ex(his mum) a fair while to finally bring him out of his shell to the pleasant little boy he is today! My little girl is the complete opposite she’s really outgoing

Bernina · 19/11/2018 16:51

It sounds like you don't even think of your new baby as your child? You keep mentioning your children but only mentioning the older two.

blackcat86 · 19/11/2018 16:54

So you're both prioritising your own biological children at the expense of your step children and have created an us and them mentality from both sides which the children are picking up on. Did you agree on how you were going to support all of the children before getting pregnant? I'd be pretty unimpressed if I was in your gfs position at 6 months+ pregnant with you saying you're off out with your kids and leaving my DC behind. Have you both discussed discipline in the house so there is a consistent approach with all the DCs? Obviously she shouldn't be being unkind to any child but I wonder if there is an us and them atmosphere festering away.

TooSassy · 19/11/2018 17:00

OP, are you name changing within the thread? Why?

Oswin · 19/11/2018 17:03

Black cat he has to have them at his parents because she doesn't want the children there and makes it obvious.

Cl91 · 19/11/2018 17:07

Because the problem isn’t with our new baby but my older children from my previous. You don’t understand even if I did take her son out all he’d do is make remarks towards my children and upset them. At 5 it isn’t nice with hearing a boy say to some one I’ll cut your head off etc. This has been on going for months by him and every time I mention it all I eat is he’s young and tell your son to “man up”. And it’s not like I just go off out, I go off out when the abuse starts because I don’t want that sort of negative attitude and atmosphere around children. I wouldn’t wish any children to stand and witness full blown arguments it’s not my way of doing things I’d rather walk out than stand there being abused in front of children. If you look back on previous posts you’ll see that I stated she mentioned me having children is a problem because she wants to be number one and I’m selfish for letting the children come first. Even if she stays at my house whilst she was pregnant she’d act the same towards them.

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/11/2018 17:17

Op you've made up your mind , so why are you even asking for advice. She is pregnant by you and your baby may be the problem but your not getting to the bottom of it or by the sound of it reaching an agreement on parenting style.
It's hard but you need to talk to her, the HV, a counsellor etc and get support for all the children. Leaving a new baby shouldn't really be an option for you but it sounds like that's what you want to do. Poor child

PerverseConverse · 19/11/2018 17:17

What have you done so far to address the way she behaves towards you and the children? Do you live completely apart or are you at hers during the week?

marns · 19/11/2018 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerverseConverse · 19/11/2018 17:21

@Spanglyprincess1 not sure if OP said on this thread or his other one on dadsnet (sane as this one) but he left his now 5 year old son when he was only 3 months old. That indicates to me that you might benefit from some counselling OP to figure out why these retail ships are going wrong and how you can prevent further issues. You just run away from the problems rather than address them. As a parent you have to face up to the problems and find solutions rather than run away. Your gf sounds awful but you running away isn't helping.

Goldrain · 19/11/2018 17:41

Not helpful but my brother telling me he would cut my head off is something he would have said to me when we were younger and would never have the reaction you are giving to it

What did I miss? Where did cutting heads off come in to it?
Someone said they will cut ops head off?

marns · 19/11/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oswin · 19/11/2018 17:57

But marns these two aren't brothers. They barley know each other.
So spangly, she's been a nasty fucker since before she was pregnant. So not pnd.
So should op stay because they have a baby now. What else should he allow? Should he not go to his parents to see his children? So not see them at all.
Jesus she is bullying a small child. How far does a sm have to go before she is actually just a prick and not the poor misunderstood sm.

Goldrain · 19/11/2018 18:09

@Cleon91 do their mum know how your partner is treating her children?
It's unbelievable, how can you allow an adult to bully your children op? It's absolutely despicable. You need to protect your children and keep them away from her.

Goldrain · 19/11/2018 18:10

@marns thank you. I get it know, just read whole thread.

Goldrain · 19/11/2018 18:10

Now*

TooSassy · 19/11/2018 18:13

I don’t think anyone is suggesting the OP stays.
I’m playing devils advocate on my posts but am equally open to the fact that this woman is in fact a heinous individual.

I guess a lot of us are just a little Shock that this is all happening within days(?) of the OP’s baby being born. And the little one seems to get no acknowledgement from the OP.

It sounds like a pretty horrific situation for all involved and now a totally inncocent baby has been bought into it all. Sad