Feeling guilty

[Cleon91]

Hi, new to the forum so take it easy. I’ve just had a new born with my current gf and I already have a 5year old boy and 9 year old girl with an ex. My partner has a 5 year old boy. Yesterday my children met their day old sister for the first time and I couldn’t help but feel guilty as anything that my son kept asking why do I live with her and my partners son but not him. It really got to him and I could tell it was cutting him up inside and I couldn’t help but feel massively guilty because i have always wanted my children to live with me full time. Does any one else feel the same in this sort of situation? I see my children from ex every weekend and call them every night but it’s really starting to drag me down how they must feel about my newborn and my gfs son living with me and they can’t it also don’t help that my little boy Is really close to me and cry’s at the ex’s house because he misses me. Hope this makes sense would be grateful for any replies.

I agree @TooSassy. Nowhere does the op seem to express any concern over his newborn which I think is both shocking & worrying.
It's a dreadful situation 

I don’t let her bully them, hence why weekends we would spend a part due to her constant bad moods and attitude

No but op said it started from when she was heavily pregnant so yes could be linked to hormones and pnd.
Also there is no indication how long the relationship has been on and known the children pre pregnancy so it's a lot of assumptions.
What scares me most is nowhere on this thread is the op indicted he has spoken to his partner about his concerns or sought a solution. Children are argue and some.dont get on but adults should be able to manage that.
There are lots of suggestions to try and sort this but op dosnt seem to want to try which is awful.for the new baby . He seems to be repeating history here as left his older son when he was sonly three months old. No one wins here. If you love her and all the children then seek support and help, go to relate and work through this. I haven't seen any examples of her bullying allegedly your older children other than saying your older son needs to get a thicker skin. That isn't nessisarily bullying it might be her view and she might say the same if it happened to her son.

I’m gobsmacked at the posters trying to guilt op into staying in a toxic relationship who is emotionally abusive towards his dc from the start, regardless if he has a newborn with her his emotionally well being of his children who are being affected by this woman needs to end by ending the relationship. Unfortunately op should have ended it when she was nasty the first time when he stopped her seeing them. Op you can always see and have a relationship with you’re newborn with out being with this woman, you don’t want to stay with her and risk further damage to you’re dc down the line.

I don't think anyone is trying to guilt op into staying! However many of us have expressed concern that he has a third child whose mother is this woman he says is so awful, & nowhere does he seem to express any concern for his new baby. Unfortunately for his first two dc they do not (should not) now get to be his sole concern or priority as they now have a sibling who also needs a dad!

What Magda says! I think advice to talk about it and seek help is sound. Esp if as indicated this issue only arose recent once the partner was heavily pregnant!

Op how is she with her own child that is the question the newborn might be fine because biologically he is hers ops dc are not and are treated differently the fact they aren’t welcome in the house and aren’t allowed to play with her child toys is very telling but kicks off if he takes them else where the crux is she doesn’t want op having a relationship with them.

Christ I could write pages here with experiences as a mother, step mother, ex partners etc etc but just for now I'm asking one thing..... WHY ARE YOU NOT MENTIONING YOUR NEW BABY?

So the mother of your NEW BABY - your 3rd biological child btw, seen as you keep forgetting to mention it - is such a terrible person, and has so-called been, since first meeting the kids, yet you still decided to have a baby with her.

IF and it's a big if, your DC are being treated in the way you describe, then there is no way you should stay.

You don't appear to have discussed your feelings with her, and you've not mentioned that you've sought any support for any the DC, so how is anything going to change?!

The new baby is safe, and at the moment is only concerned with feeding and sleeping. That's why OP isn't directly concerned atm about the baby. There are no concerns. No doubt when he is settled in his own place he will be happy to treat his third DC in exactly the same way as the other two.

The op isn't talking about the baby because there are no concerns about the baby. Why would he need to shoehorn the baby in when he is talking about his older children.
I don't understand why people are bothered about that. It's weird.

He's already said that he is not mentioning the newborn because the newborn is not an issue in anyway. It's not a competition on who OP's love and care the most for.

My gut feeling is that your partner has turned nasty because you have not been giving her the attention she was expecting and what was reasonable for you wasn't for her. You say you go away each weekend to are for your kids because she and her kids are horrible to them. She has 0robsbly turned nasty because she feels neglected and blame things on your son because she believes that if it want for his sensibilities, you would see your children together so she is angry towards him. Her son senses it so also acts on his mum's feelings.

It sounds again like a relationship that has gon too quickly with two people much more concerned about their feelings being validated than trying to understand where the other one comes from and trying to adapt accordingly through communication. How the new baby has come to the picture you haven't commented on, but it clearly was at the wrong time. She's here now, so it makes it all more difficult as moving away, forgetting about this relationship and focusing on your elder kids is not an option any longer.

I suspect you are not mentioning the baby because there is still a part of you in denial she's born which is totally understandable as it can take men longer for it to hit. I wouldn't be surprised though if that's another thing that makes your partner angry and feeling 2nd best and rejected.

You really need to talk. Sadly, that à hard thing to do for a woman just after giving birth, so try to concentrate on and your new baby a bit rather than your guilt for your son, and gradually start talking because clearly the way things are are not sustainable.