Feeling guilty

[Cleon91]

Hi, new to the forum so take it easy. I’ve just had a new born with my current gf and I already have a 5year old boy and 9 year old girl with an ex. My partner has a 5 year old boy. Yesterday my children met their day old sister for the first time and I couldn’t help but feel guilty as anything that my son kept asking why do I live with her and my partners son but not him. It really got to him and I could tell it was cutting him up inside and I couldn’t help but feel massively guilty because i have always wanted my children to live with me full time. Does any one else feel the same in this sort of situation? I see my children from ex every weekend and call them every night but it’s really starting to drag me down how they must feel about my newborn and my gfs son living with me and they can’t it also don’t help that my little boy Is really close to me and cry’s at the ex’s house because he misses me. Hope this makes sense would be grateful for any replies.

He’s only little, he’s had to deal with a lot at a young age with his parents splitting, a new partner who has a child the same age and now a baby in a short amount of time in his life. Could you spend some one to one time with him doing a particular hobby once a week for an hour or so e.g taking him to football classes or something similar and do something with you’re 9 year on her own to help strength bonds?

I have them every weekend from Friday after school till Sunday and I usually stay at my parents with them so I have my own time with them , I just don’t want them thinking when they come over they can’t get the affection they got off me before baby was born, partners son isn’t the friendliest either an constant tells my little boy to shut up and snatches toys etc. I’ve tried to talk to her about this and she lets all hell break loose, it’s either her kid or no kids she has total disrespect for my children to the point she even has so at them for walking in front of her if we’re out and about, I don’t know how much more I can handle and I feel even worst that I feel like this after only having the new born for a day. It’s been building up over time and I know now the baby is here it’s only going to get worst how she acts towards my children when I adore them dearly and don’t want them feeling pushed out or hurt.

Why oh why would you have a baby in these circumstances? Yes, things are likely to get harder but all you can do is your best. No point in letting guilt over power you, instead make sure you make the best of your weekends together.

He is little still but will understand as he gets older and know how dedicated you are to him and his sibling.

If she’s vile to you’re dc why did you have a child with this woman if that’s the case it would be better to split for all you’re dc sakes. Definitely suggest doing what I suggested and do a one to one activity with each of you’re dc especially if her child isn’t very kind to them.

In the long run, the relationship with gf isn't going to work, is it? She's not nice to your DC and her own child isn't either (although that child's probably upset and confused as well). Probably best to end it now and find somewhere of your own to live. Then your two can visit, and when the baby is older, he can be treated the same. You sound like a kind and loving father.

The turning towards my children only started after 6months of being pregnant. I only have to say something alone the lines of I’m taking my children out for a few hours and you’d think I’ve told her I’m going on holiday for 6months, I just don’t think she’s cope if split after the new born only being 48hours old. I rarely cry as I have quite hard emotions but i doesn’t half the night breaking down in tina pillow in the lounge because of the whole situation, I love her but the way she treats my children doesn’t make them feel very welcome and they always ask if we can stay at nanny and grandads which now would be a problem and I don’t want them to think I’m being horrible and forcing them that they need to stay at my gfs house. She’s admired numerous times my children are a problem, she don’t understand her son isn’t as much as a priority as my children are to me and thinks it’s unfair and nasty if I take mine out for alone time and don’t involve him but my little boy is petrified of him and every time I’ve brought this up all I get is “tell him to man up” or “why’s he being a cry baby”.

Oh just get out now! She sounds horrible. It's not going to work. Either sooner or later you're going to have to go, and it might as well be sooner!

I’ve tried getting out loads of times but she pulls the depression card and I feel guilty and give in to her 😩but I can’t see my children put down by her anymore cuz it really gets to me when she makes comments about them to me, it’s literally all about her son who’s an “angel”

Sorry to use this hackneyed, sexist phrase but you need to "man up". You're obviously depressed yourself, and your 2 DC share suffering too. Especially the DS. What is it going to be? Now or later (when the baby will be old enough to know what's going on). Let her know the emotional blackmail won't work any longer!

Ok op not nice but and people may say differently but it's true, this may be a sign of pnd. Esp as she was fine until heavily pregnant and baby is weeks old.
I was vile towards ends of pregnancy and until son was 10-12 weeks old, I struggled with my partner and I very much couldn't cope with the step kids. It wasn't them that was the issue. I spoke to HV and they were very reassuring feelings were normal and I was assessed for pnd ( other symptoms too).
The bonding protective thing is overwhelming. Maybe she could talk to the HV or doctor as this kind of reaction isn't nice but it is quite common, to both biological kids and step.
Wishing you luck xx

My ex did this. He has finally split with her in the last week - the relief for my children is very evident. Took him a year. Some of the things I have heard my children say about time at his home are utterly heart-breaking and it has massively interfered with their sense of security. They can cope with the split and the moving on but they won't cope with a dad who doesn't put them first.

You have a child with her too op this is about looking after all of your children not just the ones from your first marriage.
Seriously, get her to speak to the health visitor or doctor as they may genuinely be something wrong.
Also you need to find a way of managing the relationship better between her, your step son and your biological children. Her five year old.could very reasonably be acting out as he has a new sibling and is worried , or acting out against your child of the same age as again he is going through a lot of change. You can manage the relationships - could you do one night at home with all kids, one day out just you and older children , then one day out just you and your older biological children. That will give your partner a break with a newborn from her five year old, a chance for the children to.bond.with their new sibling and a.day out. While your out, you can be in control of displine and also if doing g a focused high energy activity then hopefully everyone will have fun (swimming or trampolines or something).

Did your ex have a child with his new partner? I know my little boy would really benefit from me not being with her as it’s him who she aims the remarks to mostly, he’s softer than the average 5 year old boy and he shows his emotions really easily, he’s always been really close to me ever since me and his mum split when he was 4months old, I just really don’t want our bond to grow apart due to having to spend more time around my gf and her son

Op if you do this your placing your newborn in the same position as your other son - you seriously need to look at all the options or you a recreating the same problem!

Hi @Cleon91 - there are many posts on here from women who notice that their feelings towards their sdc change when they themselves become pregnant. Most women who post about these changes are bewildered as to why this happens & also feel very, very guilty.
Most people seem to think this comes about due to a combination of hormones & an inbuilt instinct to 'protect' one's own children - not rational I know but it's in our DNA. A lot of women feel overwhelmed by the pressure/expectation to love their sdc as much as they love their own kids - but for most of us that's just impossible.
You don't love her child the way you love your own & she doesn't love your kids the way you do. I'm not for one minute excusing her behaviour but what I've written above may explain some of it.
At the end of the day her son is only little too & is probably just as upset at the changes in his life as your own son is & maybe she too is feeling very guilty about this. FWIW guilt is a useless emotion. When parents split, families split & that's just the harsh fact. Your first two kids live with their mum & you see them every weekend & they obvious get plenty of time with grandparents also - so what are you feeling guilty about? It sounds like you're doing your best. All separated/divorced parents have to learn to explain to kids about residency & access. In my case when my kids' half sibling was born (on their dad's side) I just explained to them that their dad and I made the decision for them to live with me most of the time which is what we as adults felt was the best decision for them at the time, & that their dad was entitled to meet & have kids with someone else but that it did not mean he loved those kids anymore than them just because they live with him - that's just circumstances of our divorce.
Pp's have told you to walk away & focus on your children - but you now have a baby with this woman - what about that child?
You have to first determine if your gfs behaviour is out of character or was she always mean spirited. If her behaviour is out of character then the two of you obviously need some form of counseling as you have a long road ahead with 4 kids between you & you'll need tools to support one another.
If she's just mean spirited & you've fallen out of love with her then you need to do some serious thinking about how you can logistically manage being a single dad of 3.
Your new baby needs two parents who are on the ball so to speak in the next few weeks, so maybe enlist the help of your parents regarding your other two kids. Again I'm not excusing your gf's behaviour but it can't be easy having you either gone to your parents EVERY weekend or having a 9 year old & two 5 year olds who don't get on underfoot. Personally I'd be pretty exhausted by that.
Good luck & congrats on the new arrival - try & enjoy this time.

Ps - also meant to mention possible pnd.

I've just read your last post & honestly you need to take a long hard look at yourself also if you're prioritizing your son over you're new baby. They are ALL your children & if your gf has any inclination that your first children mean more to you that this baby then she is of course going to feel threatened by your other kids.

Maybe get your other thread deleted as it a duplicate. Explains why I'm the only one who's posted on it!

It’s not out of character when she first met my children her and her son acted so off towards them and she made remarks and her son just acted a pure bully. So she didn’t see them again for a while in to the relationship. She’s stated on many occasions I’m selfish that my children come first yet when something happens to her son she acts like I do. I’m a dad and I absolutely adore my children more than anything. They’re the only thing that keep me straight and narrow. With them coming to her house I worry about everything from the smallest thing. They ain’t even allowed to touch her sons toys! But her son turns out my house when he’s there. Her son has always been weird towards my kids, yesterday in fact in the car he told my son he’d cut his head off and he found it funny when I explained that isn’t a nice thing to say. It’s been a long time coming and I know it will only get worst as time goes on. The reason for me going to my parents is every weekend she kicks off about me having my children yet she expects me to spend time with her son and I told her broadly that isn’t going to happen as if I was to spend time with children it would be my own as I could only imagine the upset if they found out I done something like that to them. Like I’ve stated my children are my world and I really don’t want them brought down or over hearing her make remarks about them, I’ve seen my sons reaction when he’s over heard her say something he has a thing for clicking his fingers when he’s shy or nervous and every time she Susan something he starts the finger clicking and hiding behind me.

How on earth is he prioritising the son? Why should his son suffer this bullying?

So what If she feels insecure. She's a grown fucking woman bullying a small child.

I don't get this at all. You talk about you all living at your house but then you talk about her house as though you both have separate houses. But you have your kids at your parents? Whatever the set up, as I said on your other thread, this is shit for everyone and you need to get it sorted. You left your son when he was 3 months old. Looks like you'll be doing the same to this new baby too. I feel so sorry for ALL the children who you and your gf have involved in this mess.

Sorry it probably did sound confusing, I live with my parents, I’m not allowed to live with her cuz my children take up “to much room” but now with new baby she has no choice for my children to be at hers on a weekend which she’s already kicked off about because she don’t want her sons toys touched or them messing the house up

Christ. Get yourself a proper home for you and your poor kids and seriously think about what you are doing to them by allowing this woman into their lives.

Firstly, OP. Well done for coming on here and asking for advice.
I'm going to give a different perspective here (and I could be completely wrong). Because option 1 is that she showed you from the beginning who she was, that she wasn't great with your DC and, despite that, you both had a baby (congrats on your baby btw).

Option 2 however (and I speak from experience here), is if you live and breathe for your DC, they're the only thing that keep you on the straight and narrow and you see them every weekend (from Friday until Sunday), where does that leave space for your DP?
My exDP is currently an ex for precisely that reason and we are working on trying to find a way forward. He too lives for his DC, he has been consumed (for years) fighting for progression of contact from where it is. Entirely admirable and I respect that. BUT, do you have any idea what it feels like to be in a relationship where someone is so laser focussed on their DC only? Where every decision is dictated by what his DC need? It's like being a second class citizen, permanently.
I once said to him that it felt like he existed with me week to week and that he only lived for when he saw his DC. I'm telling you now, it's a horrible place to be - mentally and emotionally and it took me months upon months to figure out why I was struggling.
He too was consumed with guilt, so when he wasn't with his dc, it was like living with someone who had a permanent 'heaviness' about him.

I am telling you now, it made me miserable.

He too wanted a baby with me and more than anything I am so so so glad that I refused. Your partner has just had your baby and as opposed to supporting her, and enjoying YOUR new baby, you're crying over the children you don't have with you, consumed with your guilt.

I know she could just not be a very nice person, but right now, my heart goes out to her. I could have been her and my DP would have been just as self involved and one sided as you are (potentially) being.