To tackle the controversial topic of 'Jealous' SM's

[TooSassy]

So, I've been on this thread on and off for about 18 months. There are (sadly) only a few threads which haven't descended into criticism of the OP / judgemental comments. There is a consistent critical chain of commentary that appears across threads.

1. Were you/ are you the OW?
2. Why did you get together with a man who had DC's if this is your attitude?
3. You're not the parent, keep your nose out and let the parent parent.
4. How dare you detach and not parent enough, your poor SC's..
5. You sound jealous of your SC's, poor SC's.

So, here's my thinking. I love mumsnet. I have learned so much from people here and not just that, received a lot of support (back in the 'i have a new baby days' stands out). I think everyones perspectives are valued, I do listen and absorb all POV's as I think (the constructive) comments are so very helpful.

So with that, I want to start a few threads. To discuss the above comments that come out on these threads. And see if we can all better understand the thinking that makes people criticise, when in actual fact, we may just be reading a post about someone who is really struggling. Who needs help and is seeking advice.

I hope everyone treats this with the intent it's meant. To be a constructive conversation so we can all understand perspectives that are different to ours. So with that, I'll start.

I just dug this thread out and had a lovely read through of it. Most of the posts are just so insightful and constructive. Great thread.

How is everyone getting on?

Still liking the new "girlfriend" /SM .

Struggling with DSD2 - who gets my red bull rage going very easily but as I just did good on the whole work experience - I am having a respite from that aggro!!

Other than just keeping pace with life!
How are you?

Hey stuffed I’m good actually.

Lots of focus over the past 4 months or so on me and my DC. I’ve repivoted a lot of my time and energy back into myself and my little people. It’s made a huge difference in terms of my well-being and also on how close I am to my DC.

So in actual fact there is far less in my world around non official SM role and I’m just enjoying my DC. My DC are my no. 1 focus and I make no apologies for it.

The thing that riles me the most about these threads is the double standards and the fact that no matter what you do it isnt right.

You cant treat dsc the same as your kids. Not really. I would tell my own child off but a few years ago if i told dss off he would literally cry his eyes out. He was parented entirely differently by his mother than he is by us. But at the same time you cant stand back and watch this kid get older, get more attitude because his mother is fine with it.

Its really really hard. I dont think anyone actively wants to be a step parent. Its a situation you accidentally fall into and put up with.

I would genuinely love to have an amicable relationship with dps ex but it will never happen. I wish she was someone who could control her anger and bitterness but shes not.

Its just a thankless job really.

If i ever split with dp i can whole heartedly say i would never even date another man with children.

Just realised this is an old thread! Oops!

flaming that’s ok. I deliberately rebumped it as there was some interesting discussion on here. Still very valid

I've posted on this board a few times and eventually just stopped. People see things that aren't typed and just launch in with an attack. It's so hard.

Dp and I got together 7 years ago. We have known each other since the mid 80's, dated for a couple of years back then, split up and lost touch. I searched for him on FB one day, I was single, I made very sure that he was single before contacting him. Seems his wife had left him taking their DD two years previously. So we got together and eventually my DD's and I moved in with him (we were living 600 miles apart).

From day 1 his ex caused problems. She came round on the evening we were hosting friends for dinner with a shitty excuse about bringing a coat for their DD in case she got cold. It was May and she was indoors. It was just an excuse to walk in and sit down, help herself to a glass of wine and tell everyone all about her new man. Absolutely excrutiatingly awful.

And it just went from there. She wanted to know everything going on in our home while she told DP that what DD and her did in their time was their business. While simultaneously quizzing their DD about everything going on in ours. So one weekend DD would be with us and one of us may mention that one of my DC's needs shoes or something mundane and the next time she was with us his DD would say something like 'how come you can buy Mycats DD shoes but can't afford to take me out?'. The problem was that I was paying for the shoes or uniform or whatever. I wasn't relying on him to pay for my DDs!

But yes, we weren't rolling in it and although both of us were better off having moved in together, we still didn't have a lot of money for theme parks etc for four kids. (two each). Meanwhile when she was with her mum they often went off to Cornwall for a weekend, to all sorts of places, eating out but that was fine, it was good to know she was having a good time. Dp never once said a word to his DD about that, just showed interest in her life.

And it continued. Ex rang DP relentlessly moaning at him. The following is a list of things told to dp or her DD

DSD was only coming to see HIM not that woman or her kids. (both)

Mycats is only after you for your money (dp) (please note I came into the relationship with more money than him)

Mycats doesn't treat DSD the same as her DDs. She never asks her to help (dp)

Mycats is picking on DSD by asking her to do things (dp)

Mycats is committing benefit fraud (dp)

Mycats shouldn't be around when DSD comes round (dp)

And my absolute favourite: Why are you with her? She has children and you should have found someone with no kids or grown up kids so DSD is always the centre of attention. It's not fair on her to have to share.

We went from having DSD over eow to not seeing her at all. The ex moved away, moved in with her man and a year later died. DSD is still living there and refuses point blank to talk to him.

Everyone thinks she was a saint. I don't. I can't forgive her for destroying the relationship between DSD and her father and his extended family. She doesn't see anyone on her dads side.

Things could and should have been very different. In the early years I was accused of being jealous of DSD. It's never been jealousy, it's always been fucking frustration at trying to build a relationship with a 9 year old girl who is getting mixed messages.

By the end of the time she was spending here I was disappearing most of the time. I was fed up with the accusations of stealing her things, hiding things. Something I have never done because I've got two girls of my own and quite frankly had enough to do without playing games.

For anyone else out there going through hell, you have my sympathy.

When I got into a relationship with a man with a child I understood and accepted that DSD would always come first but I didn’t truly realise how much impact her mum would have on my life from practical arrangements to the distress caused to my DH. Perhaps that was naive but I also don’t think it makes me a bad person to sometimes resent how this woman can have such an impact on my life on her whims. Since having my own DD it’s even harder to accept that her behaviour and choices have a direct impact on my DD and again I don’t think I’m a bad person for feeling resentful of that at times.
I love my DSD and I’d never change my situation but I wouldn’t “recommend” being a step parent

This has been my exact experience too.

It’s all very well for those who judge step mums to say ‘well you knew what you were getting in to’ (which, incidentally, no one ever says to first time parents, although the ‘logic’ is exactly the same). But you when you get involved with a man with kids, what you absolutely cannot foresee is how the triangle you inevitably form between you, him and his ex will pan out. When you get involved with a man with kids, you get involved with his ex too (unless she’s out of the picture entirely for whatever reason). There is no template or equivalent for this in any other aspect of life. And it’s, in my opinion, the main reason step parenting is so hard.

In my case I wasn’t the OW and the ex wasn’t at all bitter. What she was, though, was a not-very-engaged parent. For the first 7 years of my relationship with DH, she would ditch her days with DSC with little or sometimes no notice (it’s always been a 50:50 arrangement). More than once she went on last minute holidays with various boyfriend, leaving us to scrabble around for childcare to plug the gaps. Once she went on a week's holiday and gave us only 12 hours notice.

DH’s ex lives very very close to her parents and so had childcare literally on her doorstep, but DH would insist that if she was going to skip her days with DSC, he’d rather they were here with us. Fair enough in principle, but in practice, with us both working full time and with our two other DCs with their own childcare logistics, the reality of this ‘on the fly’, relaxed arrangement was a stressful nightmare. I never knew from one day to the next what would be happening in my own home. How many to cook for? Who’s doing the school run in the opposite direction if DSC are suddenly staying and we haven’t planned for it? Who’s doing pick ups? Who’s taking the car? Etc. Nightmare. And it bred nothing but resentment. And DH’s defence of it all was ‘think of the DSCs!’ But I felt like no one was thinking about me or our DCs.

The ex’s ad hoc, last minute buggering off for her weekends really ramped up during my maternity leaves, I noticed. Although DH would deny it. Funny how, since I’ve been back at work full time she can somehow manage to stick with the programme.

Honestly, it’s affected my mental health to the point where I don’t know if I’ll ever really be the same again. The worst of it all was that DH would simply refuse to entertain there was ever a problem. If DSC were with us, then that was all he cared about. Never mind the toll it took on the rest of the household, who were always the ones who had to compromise and sacrifice. Long, car journeys for the two little ones to pick up DSC when their mum should’ve been doing it. Cancelled weekend plans for me and DH because the ex decided she was going away.

If you complain about any of this you get accused of ‘hating’ your DSC and not wanting them around. When all you really want is to be given equal consideration as a member of the family too.

I’ve a positive update, relationships between me and all the dc developing really nicely, DP and I becoming closer as result. Got plans to do stuff together this year and starting to consider going on hols together. Feeling good about things and more accepting of/less stressed about differences. My dd struggling with MH at the moment but DP being amazing (more supportive/helpful/insightful than her dad to be honest).

Finally seeing I think the benefits of going slow, with blending, it’s paying off I think. Been together 3 years and things are growing organically. Feels good.

Feeling really happy about things. Maybe we’ll start thinking seriously about moving in. Maybe. Gulp.

Have to say it helps there is no friction with the DP’s ex, all calm and cooperative despite their differences.

Things generally amicable with my exH except I let rip with him yesterday for his shoddy parenting but that’s a rarity. Although featuring again since his relationship with gf ended and she stepped back from step-parenting. Which goes to prove what I said upthread about her propping up exH’s skeleton-parenting. But, I digress there..

I think one of the great cultural difficulties here is that the stepmother - PARTICULARLY if she doesn't have children - is not seen to be deserving of any rights in a relationship. She is seen as a spare part, an interloper, a minor player, an inferior second chapter in the life of a family which is most often defined by the father and the stepchildren.

This is grossly unfair. Anyone going into a relationship wants to feel as if they are entering into a partnership of equals. Sure, children are important, and many stepparents give a great deal to their stepchildren.
But that is hugely different to being placed third in the pecking order after your partner's needs and their children's needs.

Such an approach is discriminatory, almost abusive, but it is all too often assumed to be the 'norm' by the broken family in question, even worse they also expect unconditional support for their broken-family situation while giving no love back to the step-parent. Chuck in an abusive, over-entitled birth mother and you have a completely joyless life at home.

Yet everyone seems to behave as if the step-parent has no rights to be happy themselves; no effort is made to integrate them into a new family unit. They can do nothing right.

I have been in this situation twice, and I am so glad I got out of it.

Hear hear @daftgeranium.

Being a SM is quite an experience I agree!

Isn’t it sad that it’s one most of us never want to repeat? But understandable. It was one of the hardest times of my life.

I never knew from one day to the next what would be happening in my own home. that was one of the worst bits for me. My daily life was basically controlled by DPs Ex. She would send the kids whenever she liked. She would have a go at DP, and constantly text. And influence her kids against me. Nightmare. The older DSDs grew up to treat me and my son as if we were invisible, or to be bitched about to DP.

Phew! Not nice! I was stressed for a loooong time.

However, like @latent and @toosassy I’m finally at a much better place. So pleased btw things are better for you. I now have almost zero contact with DSDs. Anyone looking in would judge and say that I was an evil SM, as I now live with DP and my two sons, without any of his children visiting or being part of it. However I am done with building bridges. My DSDs want to never visit? Up to them.

Like @toosassy I am only focused now on my family. It’s great. I plan everything around us and don’t think of anyone else. It is me and my kids. I feel like I do a much better job now as a parent, and I’m much happier. DP and I were breaking up however now he’s desperate to still stay together. I’m not sure but we are being friendly and cooperative. He no longer brings the resentment from his step kids or Ex to my doorstep, as I’m sick to death of it. I’ve no stomach for their constant drama. It’s DPs business. Not mine.

I tried. I failed. I disengaged.

an inferior second chapter in the life of a family which is most often defined by the father and the stepchildren. very sad, poignant, but so true geranium! I even had a child with DP, yet if anything that pushed me and my older son further to the background. DSDs only acknowledge their half brother e.g. Christmas presents brought for him, none for me or their step brother. Not healthy, and pretty rubbish really.

I tried. I failed. I disengaged.

I don’t think you failed bananas. It sounds like you went above and beyond and took a lot of crap. Far more than you deserved. If anything you were failed. I’m glad things are better now for you and you don’t sound like an evil sm at all.

Thanks @heckypeck that is good of you to see that. I don’t think a lot of people in rl do.