Think I should leave

[AnnaKat75]

Long time lurker but first time poster so please be kind!
In brief, I'm married a year to a lovely man & fantastic father which is why I'm so hurt. He has 2 boys aged 13 & 17 & I have two girls aged 12 & 16. As per many on these threads the kids have no real issues with each other but are also not very bonded due to differing sexes, personalities & interests.
We've been together 4.5 years in total & have maintained two properties as his children live in another town with their dm. His boys don't come to mine/ours much as they have weekend activities. I don't go to his/ours much as so do my girls & we've always tried to make this as easy as we can for the children. Dh sees his boys eow & a night during the week - he travels to see them unless it's holiday time whereby they generally come here.
My problem is this. His exw is a sahm & dh pays huge maintenance, her mortgage, her car loan & all the extras for the boys. He has also taken sole responsibility for putting them through third level. This was all in place before I met him & that's fine.
My exh & I go splits on everything even though I'm the resident parent & that too is fine. I agreed to this in my divorce as I was desperate to divorce as my exh is a psychological bully & I really needed that divorce after him stalling & stalling for years.
I work in social services & about 18 months ago I resigned my extremely stressful job on doctors advice. My mother had passed away a few years ago & I think I had a delayed reaction which escalated due to work stress & I reached total burn out. Dh was in agreement with this & I thought no more about it as I had savings & an inheritance from my dm which I am using to support my children.
This money is now running out which I expected & I'm ok with that as it's given me great breathing space. However, I'm not ready to go back to work in that sector just yet. Dh knows this but expects me to sell my house (to release equity) & downsize as opposed to helping me out for a while.
We have always kept the majority of our finances separate because of the kids, but I am honestly bewildered that he won't help me, I'm his wife!
I have never asked him for a penny for my children & never would. I still have some money put aside for their education but I'm struggling day to day & will do so until I get my head/a job sorted.
Dh is not generally a mean man. He pays his share of bills, remembers his entire family's birthdays etc. His exw did a right job on him & now refuses point blank to get a job even though she was not awarded spousal maintenance & I know this has colored his attitude to "wives who don't pull their weight". However I feel I'm now being 'penalized' for the fall out from his last marriage.
Am I being unreasonable to expect my HUSBAND to give me some support just until I get properly back on my feet?
I honestly feel like leaving I'm so hurt by his stance & I know that I would never do same to him.
I'm not in the UK & I don't qualify for disability here as dh's salary & our assets (two houses) disqualifies me.

I do think it comes down to what indeed is mental health illness and what is adjusting to a nicer lifestyle. Many people make that choice from the start but this comes with much fewer luxuries.

I'm your case you met when you were clearly on that same level than him both working hard to afford nice things, supporting your children through Uni, nice holidays, maybe retiring earlier.

Then 3 years later you decide to give up work temporary. Your dh is supportive, you have the means to do it and he trusts that you'll be back at work earning good money again expect that only a year after marriage, you are now saying that you want an easier life whilst he has to support you and your children.

Of course marriage is for the better or worse, but you can appreciate how he could be thinking that you planned thus, even if unconsciously.

In essence you are saying that because you are married he should accept your lifestyle choices and becoming financially responsible for your children who has only been in his life 4 years whose own father doesn't pay for. Ultimately, they will use electricity, gas etc...and it will be him paying.

I think your OH is angry because he thinks you married him for the support he can be when your ex wasn't and yes, having the same life that he offered his ex which is what stressed him and he wanted out of. You were happy to be without a job for 18 months when you could afford it so he'll wonder what will stop you staying as you are if he starts supporting you, especially as the longer you are without a job, the harder it will be.

I think your plan sounds reasonable but why can't you take an easy pt job during that time? If you don't have a mortgage any longer, your monthly bills can't be too huge. If they are, can you cut down on them.

I think your oh will be more likely to help with paying some bills if you work and show you are trying to get back on your feet than he is to just give you money.

I know oh too well how you feel and yes, I would love my OH to say that I don't have to work or even support me to work pt because I'm struggling every day but I respect that it's not fair to expect my OH to take over my respibsibitues just because we are married.

I think you'll be fine. I expect the stress you've experienced and the fact you feel so much better in yourself now makes you very frightened to go back to work and it's thus fear that makes you angry with your oh. You'll get there, back on track, hopefully soon.

It seems he didn't get decent legal advice in his divorce settlement. I don't see how he's expected to support her for life.

A court wouldn't expect that and the DC are not impacting on her ability to work.

Sounds like you’ve kept so much of your lives separate that marriage in hindsight seemed a bit premature? What an awful realisation.

Good luck with the conversation tonight, OP.

I agree with Swings last post.

After coming out of a marriage where my DB felt treated like a human ATM ..he made sure wife #2 was a higher earner, so as not to be taken advantage of in his view.

If that changed and she was not working for this long.. then trouble would be brewing.

His Ex came home one day and said she'd gone pt. He later told me ..yeah...because I'm here to pay for everything.

So while that's not you..and you're not your DHs Ex... experience can make people extremely cautious.

Whilst I understand your upset... if I was him, I wouldn't want to dig into my savings (for my children) because I'd be worried I wouldn't get it back.

You're such separate units at the moment and it would have made more sense to wait till you could live as a proper married couple who share a home and all else. Hindsight eh

I am inclined to agree @SandyY2K.
Hindsight is a great thing.
I don't fundamentally disagree with his stance, however I do disagree with it within the context of marriage.
When discussing marriage I can remember saying to him my one deal breaker; the thing I would not be able to tolerate, was cheating. After what I went through with my exh I just could never forgive that again.
I wish at that point dh had told me that any sort of blended finances or any level of financial dependency on my part would be such a serious issue for him.

Hi OP. I've no real words of advice but I do understand where you're coming from. Your post has actually triggered me a lot as my own dp & I are due to marry fairly soon & we face similar issues regarding finances & I'm really thinking we should probably wait. My finances are ok & my exh pays maintenance & is committed to providing 50/50 for any 3rd level education for our kids. However dp is being bled dry by his exw. He's self employed and his business has taken a hit in the last 18 months due to issues stemming from Brexit. At the moment he quite literally has nothing left for himself after maintenance & extras are paid & he puts money towards our household stuff. His exw also refuses to work & they have 3 kids all teens.
I feel a massive responsibility to be on top of my finances and also to put money aside if dp's business takes another hit. Reading through your thread I don't think he'd ever support me if my finances took a hit - yet like you, I would support him.
It's very difficult isn't it?
I hope your talk with him brings some clarity.
For what it's worth my dp has started counselling to try get to grips with the fall out from his marriage/divorce. Maybe your dh would try similar?

I wish at that point dh had told me that any sort of blended finances or any level of financial dependency on my part would be such a serious issue for him
True...but I'm sure
he knows that wouldn't have sounded good.

@Magda72

I personally wouldn't get married in your situation, because your DP comes with too much financial baggage in the form of an Ex wife... that will impact on your marriage.

You'll end up subsidising him.

The difference here is that his ex is the mother of his kids. She made sacrifices to raise them when they were married, presumably, and he may think the right thing to do is to support some of her living expenses now. Even though you are his wife neither of you have kids with each other and you don’t fit that role for him, and I don’t think you should. Both of you have your own kids that need to be prioritized - you should stop subsidising him or his kids in any way shape or form to allow you to get your finances (and your kids’ finances) back on track. That means refuse to go joint on any bills beyond the bare minimum.

Swing, OP wasn’t “happy to be out of work for 18 months” and didn’t just decide to give up work. She was ill and not able to work.

The dismissive attitude to mental illness from a few people on here is very disappointing.

Also:

I think your oh will be more likely to help with paying some bills if you work and show you are trying to get back on your feet than he is to just give you money.

I can’t see any indication that the DH would do this. Everything OP has said shows the exactl opposite. He doesn’t want to support her in any way financially. Even with a loan.

I’d also be very surprised if he had meant what he said about combining assets once the kids turn 18. I can’t see it from someone who insists on splitting bills every time they go out. With their wife. And who would rather their wife sold her house than help her out with a loan.

I think maybe you need to think what you want out of marriage OP. If you want someone who will support you when times are bad, your DH isn’t that person.

Being married to him means you can’t access state support. You’re worse off. And he’s not had to make any compromises whatsoever.

I’d feel very duped OP as it sounds like if he’d said he’s never support you financially at all under any circumstances you wouldn’t have married him?

Even though you are his wife neither of you have kids with each other and you don’t fit that role for him, and I don’t think you should.

That’s such an odd perspective to me. Me and my DH don’t have kids and we have separate finances, but that doesn’t mean I’d just leave him to struggle if he needed my help. When I got ill he was by my side every step of the way. Because he is a decent, caring man who loves me.

Presumably you marry someone because you love them. When you love someone (and are a nice person) you don’t leave them to struggle alone when you have the means to support them.

If someone doesn’t help their life partner when they have the means to it’s because they aren’t a kind, decent person.

If it’s because he “doesn’t believe in mental illness” then he’s an idiot.

I feel so sad reading this.
I have become seriously ill in recent years. My DH has had to take on a lot of things he never had to think about before. He spends a lot of time ferrying me around various hospitals. We had so many plans for our retirement that will now not happen. Not once has he complained about the goal posts being moved.
I get really down about it all sometimes but he reminds me of the vows we made whenwe got married.
If he was ill I would support him to the best of my ability.
Anything less isn't a marriage IMO.
OP I feel very sorry for you and your dc. I think you need legal advice and an exit strategy.

I think we all agree that it comes down to whether the OP has been ill for some and continue to be so or experienced stress in work and feeling much happier not working.

If my OH was experiencing serious sleep issues, panic attacks, depression that affected his every day life to the point of not even taking part in the activities he used to enjoy, then I would the one urging him to stop and support him financially. I would continue to do until he was able to resume a normal life, doing things he enjoyed. I would expect him to seek professional help to get to that point.

If however he announced that he was givi g his job because he didn't like it, but then made the best of life, enjoying activities and a much more relaxed life and wanted me to support him and his kids financially so that he could continue to enjoy a stress less life, then no I wouldn't be happy to do so because in a perfect world, I too would love to not have to work or at least work PT but that's not an option because I have financial responsibilities.

I am guessing that OP's OH is considering that OP falls under that category. Whether this is fair or not, no poster can tell as we don't know what their every day life is like.

I think we have to take the OP at face value. She said she had a nervous breakdown. That’s not not fancying going to work. That’s very serious and has long term implications.

The DH doesn't sound remotely generous in other ways (splitting bills exactly every time etc) so I’m more inclined to think he’s just selfish when it comes to money, rather than thinking the OP might be milking it.

Whew, swingofthings, you clearly have no idea of the seriousness of a mental breakdown.

If the OP had cancer would you say she should definitely return to her stressful job to keep her husband happy?

Her job is one of the main contributing factors to her mental ill health. I know loads of people who had to change careers after a breakdown, all of them would have preferred to have never had a breakdown.

I am very disappointed at the level of awareness of the seriousness of mental ill health on this thread.

Does no one on here remember the vows in sickness and in health????

I am also amazed that so many of you get married but live like two single people - marriage is a joining of lives, we take on the risk and the hope, we do not kick out loved one when they are down.

OP I think this man sounds horrible and you would be better of leaving him - if someone cannot support you when you are ill why would you want to stay married to them?

marriage is a joining of lives

I agree with this.

I don’t think you can fulfil a role as husband and wife if homes/finances provision for children must (for whatever reason) be kept separate. Because legally everything is joined.

Hope you’re ok, OP.

Oh I know very well about breakdowns! I had one very similar to OP working in a similar environment and I know the pressures and massive workloads, politics and feeling of being totally undervalued that leads you to it.

I too know how it leads to utter exhaustion and hate of working at least at that level because it leaves you damaged. I too know what it feels like to get to the point where the stress and anxiety leads you to wanting someone else to take over your financial responsibilities because the weight of them is overwhelming.

I've been exactly where OP is, reaching that stage of utter exhaustion and expecting your OH, who married you for the better or worse to take over when you get to that worse state through no fault of yours and feeling that you have earned that entitlement through marriage. I too got to that stage of bewilderment when my OH didnt jump at the opportunity and gave me all the reassurance I was seeking. I too thought I had married the wrong man because many would have have felt a sense of duty in such circumstances and he therefore should have too.

Its been a year and after a lot of self help and getting myself into a better professional situation (it took two changes of jobs) I can understand that although it would be amazing if my OH was happy to take over and support me and my kids, it just isn't fair to expect it form him. We fell in love with each other because we both are people who push ourselves through adversity and battle through storms. However hard it has been, I am proud how I managed to do through a situation that felt so helpless at the time. I still have a way to go, still struggling with some aspects of life but my OH is showing to be much more supportive now. What I've learned when I collapsed is that it scared my OH as much as it scared me because he relies on my strength as much as I do and because deep inside he loves me immensively.

As said, we can't comment on the extend of OP's issues. As a general rule, 18 months is a very long time to recover form a breakdown when the stressors are then removed, however, it can affect people that badly that such a period of time is totally reasonable. In that case, OP needs to communicate with her oh so that he too can trust that this extra time is an absolute need rather than an expected luxury.

I think OP will find that going back to work is not as bad as she fears. It won't be as stressless as not working but at the same time, being self reliant again will boost self-esteem.

My experience is that I finally got a job I enjoy and which doesn't stress me. I feel very blessed. Sadly, some damage has been left permanantly and I'm finding working FT extremely difficult so my next step is to make some more changes and hopefully go down to 4 days by next summer. For me, that extra day will be an absolute gift.

OP I do wish you good luck with those jobs you've applied for and hope with all my heart that one of those will lead to you enjoying working again. The public sector has a lot to account for for leading hard working and dedicated people to fear working. I've seen so many people reaching that stage, it's a very sad state of affairs resulting from an overwhelmed workforce who has to pick up the pieces of constant budget cuts.