Think I should leave

[AnnaKat75]

Long time lurker but first time poster so please be kind!
In brief, I'm married a year to a lovely man & fantastic father which is why I'm so hurt. He has 2 boys aged 13 & 17 & I have two girls aged 12 & 16. As per many on these threads the kids have no real issues with each other but are also not very bonded due to differing sexes, personalities & interests.
We've been together 4.5 years in total & have maintained two properties as his children live in another town with their dm. His boys don't come to mine/ours much as they have weekend activities. I don't go to his/ours much as so do my girls & we've always tried to make this as easy as we can for the children. Dh sees his boys eow & a night during the week - he travels to see them unless it's holiday time whereby they generally come here.
My problem is this. His exw is a sahm & dh pays huge maintenance, her mortgage, her car loan & all the extras for the boys. He has also taken sole responsibility for putting them through third level. This was all in place before I met him & that's fine.
My exh & I go splits on everything even though I'm the resident parent & that too is fine. I agreed to this in my divorce as I was desperate to divorce as my exh is a psychological bully & I really needed that divorce after him stalling & stalling for years.
I work in social services & about 18 months ago I resigned my extremely stressful job on doctors advice. My mother had passed away a few years ago & I think I had a delayed reaction which escalated due to work stress & I reached total burn out. Dh was in agreement with this & I thought no more about it as I had savings & an inheritance from my dm which I am using to support my children.
This money is now running out which I expected & I'm ok with that as it's given me great breathing space. However, I'm not ready to go back to work in that sector just yet. Dh knows this but expects me to sell my house (to release equity) & downsize as opposed to helping me out for a while.
We have always kept the majority of our finances separate because of the kids, but I am honestly bewildered that he won't help me, I'm his wife!
I have never asked him for a penny for my children & never would. I still have some money put aside for their education but I'm struggling day to day & will do so until I get my head/a job sorted.
Dh is not generally a mean man. He pays his share of bills, remembers his entire family's birthdays etc. His exw did a right job on him & now refuses point blank to get a job even though she was not awarded spousal maintenance & I know this has colored his attitude to "wives who don't pull their weight". However I feel I'm now being 'penalized' for the fall out from his last marriage.
Am I being unreasonable to expect my HUSBAND to give me some support just until I get properly back on my feet?
I honestly feel like leaving I'm so hurt by his stance & I know that I would never do same to him.
I'm not in the UK & I don't qualify for disability here as dh's salary & our assets (two houses) disqualifies me.

I honestly feel like leaving I'm so hurt by his stance & I know that I would never do same to him.

This is the key bit for me. Has he said why he won’t help you? As an aside from the moral obligation to help your spouse from a financial standpoint it is crazy to lose money in selling fees etc and take money out of an asset that presumably is gaining value if he could afford to support you.

Plus he voluntarily pays a shit load of money to his ex but he won’t help you (his actual wife) at all.

Hi @HeckyPeck, thank you for your reply. He seems to think that as I now need money I should go back to work. He's a self made man & works through every bit of illness he has & I just don't think he fully understands MH issues. It was fine so long as finances weren't being impacted but now that they are he seems to expect me to just be better & get on with it.
To an extent I understand as the school of hard knocks is where he grew up, but I'm really struggling with his lack of empathy & what I see as financial 'meanness'. I KNOW he has to support his children & I KNOW his divorce agreement had/has nothing to do with me but it just feels very unfair that he's paying the mortgage on his exw's 4 bed house (with only 3 inhabitants) while expecting me his wife to sell up!
For the record he & exw have a very acrimonious relationship so it's not 'unfinished' business or anything like that.

I’d really struggle with the lack of empathy too. And the fact that he’s happy to support his ex wife but not you.

Have you explained that his salary/
property is preventing you from accessing benefits?

Or asked why he will keep his ex in a 4 bed house when she doesn’t work at all but expects you to downsize?

What if he were to fall on hard times? Would he expect you to help him or just shrug and leave him to struggle?

OP. Before you married, did you have a open conversation about finances? I mean it’s fine that until this point finances have been relatively separate but do you have full disclosure on one another’s financial health?

Did you discuss what would happen in the event you needed to mesh finances? Have you discussed wills?

I understand the emotion of this but I’d really like to know the bigger picture. Because with the little detail you have given it could very well be that supporting his EW is leaving him with not much more to go round. Could it be that he can’t afford to help you out and is just too embarrassed to say?

It’s a very hard topic to unpick. Because of this was a woman saying that she worked Ft and was supporting her DC’s and was married to someone who didn’t work (not out of choice I completely understand that) but who was sat on a huge chunk of equity and a nice property. But expected financial help as opposed to downsizing and liberating cash that way, the term cocklodger would be flung about faster than you or I could blink.

I’m very interested in how you’ve set your finances up and how much you’ve discussed in terms of prenups/ wills.

You’re problem op is you’ve never fully blended you’re families you have both kept you’re properties separate and he has continued to pay for exs house you could have especially combined both incomes and got a house together that was both of yours to accommodate all you’re children.

Hi @TooSassy. Pre marriage we agreed to keep finances separate bar him paying his way in 'my' house (as I said he's only in 'his' eow & one weeknight). Re wills we also agreed to my assets going to my girls & his going to his boys. However, re both of the above we also agreed that this was to be the case until all children reached 18. At that point we agreed to combine assets for our use with both putting aside an inheritance amount for respective children.
We did have full financial disclosure. Dh runs a business so not only did he show me the books I also do some IT work for him so know what's coming in & going out.
I obviously don't expect him to support me indefinitely & I would of course pay him back.
Thing is I know if he couldn't work for a bit I'd help him out in a heartbeat & wouldn't expect repayment as I'd view it as helping my husband out in a time of need.
I'm so confused & I just feel like my request for help has triggered something in him that has little to do with me & more to do with his exw if that makes any sense.

Op, thank you for that clarity.

Question, have you seen this attitude extend to anything other than money? Or is it the money situation that has triggered it?

You know he could very well be spooked. If he starts giving you money and you separate, would you have a claim for support? I know it sounds silly but he may well have a well intentioned individual in his ear saying, don’t support her financially.

I’d also be hurt in your shoes FWIW. I too would help those I love in a heartbeat and not expect the money back. But not everyone shares those values, especially around money.

I’d also be hurt in your shoes FWIW. I too would help those I love in a heartbeat and not expect the money back. But not everyone shares those values, especially around money.

Sadly that’s true and unfortunately sounds like your husband falls into the won’t help out my wife in her time of need camp.

If you’ll be combining assets when the kids are 18 anyway then even if he doesn’t care about your financial well-being/mental health does he not care that he’d be reducing an appreciating asset?

It’s not sounding very equal.

@TooSassy, no I can't say I have. He's a good businessman & doesn't suffer fools gladly, but he's fair, & generous in a non showy way. It really does seem to be marital finances that he has an issue with. Another family member also does some work for him. She refuses payment so twice a year he buys her a voucher for a restaurant/spa/other. I also refuse payment for the IT work & have never been given similar & still have to go splits on nights out!!! This never happened pre marriage as in sometimes he'd treat me & sometimes I'd treat him.
I am as straight as a die & he knows that I have always worked (even in my first marriage & even when I had babies & small children) so I just cannot understand why he would ever think I'd go after him for support especially when I never looked for anything from the father of my children. I agree with you. He does sound spooked & maybe someone has been having a word in his ear. I know that exw has stated that she will not assist with university/college education and as both boys want to go dh will now have to fund all that. He's worried about this but won't hear of student loans.
@Snappedandfarted2018, we didn't combine houses & finances as his children live in a different town & from a logistical point of view they wouldn't have been able to come at weekends due to activities. As they are teens we also didn't think moving midway would work either as school runs etc. would have become much harder & we'd have been moving them all away from friends which wouldn't have been fair.

Op, can I ask, since you have sight of his books, does he draw a salary from the firm, or is there a blurred line between turnover v personal income? Sole trader or limited company?

Who lives where?

You split bills on nights outs? Sorry that one has completely flummoxed me. My DP and I will take turns picking up the check and maybe take turns buying rounds at the pub but I’d be at splitting meals out in any long term relationship.

I think he has a very clear view on money and it’s role in your lives. I think that view is very different to yours. I think you need to have a very open and honest chat about this.

^ sorry; to add:

Do you plus H plus your two live in one (your) house?

What’s the timeline of you resigning, and do you see it as temporary with a view to rejoining the workforce in 3/6/12 months?

@HeckyPeck, he ideally expects me to go back to work & no, does not want to get rid of an asset. However when I told him I just don't feel ready & would like a bit more time (I would also like to wait for a position which would be a less emotionally draining) he said that my only other option was to sell & release equity.
So he either expects me to put my well being at risk or uproot my children, something he would not ask of his children.
It's not equal at all & I'm honestly feeling very stupid.
Thank you all for your replies.
I have a therapy appointment on Friday so maybe that will give me some clarity as at the moment I feel like I'm in a pea soup of a fog.

@SnipSnipMisterBurgess, he draws a salary. He spends very little on himself & most of it goes on maintenance & extras for the boys such as school trips & holidays. He lives with me when he's not with his boys eow & one night a week. Then he stays in his own house in the town where they live. He's not with me & my two every night though as he often has to travel for work. He does pay into the household here & has minimal expenses at his own place. Neither of us have a mortgage. He's owned his property for years & I paid off the remainder of mine with my inheritance.

hmm

well I'd be invoicing him for the IT work for a start

when you say 'maybe someone has been having a word in his ear' who have you in mind? his mum, his mates, his ex?

he doesn't sound hugely nice to me really. you are married but it sounds like he considers you to be two separate units - I know you have maintained separate properties and this sounds eminently sensible and right for your circumstances with the respective dc (would I be right in thinking he was the driving force behind this?). But emotionally he does not sound like he considers the two of you a unit. I think as the dc are getting older and the prospect of merging finances is getting nearer he is showing his true colours, and I am truly sorry. people say 'mean with money, mean with love' and it tends to be true. I could not respect this person. I am truly sorry for your troubles op and I hope your health improves.

Invoice him for the IT work you do and ask for him to backdate it.
Why are you working for him for nothing when you are not drawing a salary?

As a previous poster said, the fact that he earns a substantial amount and you have two houses between you means that you cannot access any welfare support. So, the state assumes he is supporting you. But he is not even paying you for work you do for his business. What would you recieve in benefits if you separated?

Do NOT sell your house - it is your asset, your family home. It is more important to retain your own house than your marriage, given that this man will not support you when you have been ill. It does not sound like a partnership to me.

so he has 'his house' where he sees his boys, and then there is the house you and your girls live in, is this your own? I would be getting legal advice. plus - I hate to say this - but he has his own house, travels for work a lot - could there be someone else? I just can't get over how callous he is being. sickness and health my arse.

But ‘his house’ where he sees the boys is where his ex lives and he pays the mortgage, yes? There isn’t a third house?

So if you sell ‘your’ house... where exactly do you (all four) expect to live?

The ex wife and the DH have separate houses. He DH has his own house, I think.

is that right Snip? if so. I read it as the op and h have a house each, then there is the FMH where his ex w lives.

I wonder what he would say op if you were to call his bluff and announce your intention to sell up and move into 'his' house with him.

I don’t know if I’m right. But he ‘lives’ in the op’s house - is he proposing they all move to his, if he lives alone (the three house scenario)?

Apologies, I genuinely didn't mean to drip feed.
There is a 3rd house. Dh bought a house as a young man pre exw, but this is where he & exw & kids lived. On divorce he kept this & bought a house for his exw & the boys. He pays the mortgage on this. As per their divorce agreement he has no claim on this house & has the mortgage repayments structured so that it will be paid off once his youngest turns 18. At that point dh's weekly maintenance will have stopped & exw will own her home outright.
My exh cheated on me a lot so I know the signs & I genuinely don't think that's the case here. The more I think about it the more I feel that part of my attraction was my financial independence & now that I've wobbled I've inadvertently landed in the middle of unresolved issues with his exw & their financial past & present. He is being callous & the most worrying thing is that I think @TooSassy is correct when she noted that emotionally he does not see us as a team. The problem is I did. Our wedding vows spoke a lot about our marriage being an equal partnership. Tonight it's hit me that I was talking about emotional partnership all the while he meant financial partnership. I now think that we possibly wouldn't have survived beyond a few dates if I hadn't been so financially independent. I don't think I'm loved for me, but rather as an approximation of me. I know he thinks he loves me - but he doesn't.
How did I end up here twice???

& sorry again, to clarify he is suggesting I sell my house, buy somewhere smaller/cheaper for me & my girls & him when he's here. As I have no mortgage I will then have money in the bank to live off.
To answer another poster I resigned my job. I fully intend to go back to work but am going to look for something where I can use my qualifications but not get back into social services. I needed some serious rest & need to go back to work when I'm ready & no sooner. I'm no use to my girls when I'm burned out.

Thanks for explaining. He must be fairly well off if he plans to have paid off the entire mortgage on the ‘new’ house by the time the youngest is 18; not many years off. He sounds like he sees relationship obligations in financial terms. He has ringfenced his responsibilities and he views the op as financially independent therefore isn’t prepared to partner her through her time out of the workforce.