Resentment growing, not love

[childlessstepmom]

I have a 9yr old SD who I first met 6 months ago. I have been with OH for 14months and love him dearly. Although SD has taken to me very well and adores me, I can't reciprocate the feelings. I don't feel anything when I see her, in fact as time is going on I'm beginning to resent her. Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing, he is a loving father, but I resent that WE don't get time together as a couple. We have just been away together and he suggested we had a night out just us two while the gparents had his daughter (as he knows I struggle with not having much time just us), but then he changed his mind saying the holiday was about his daughter and his family. I was gutted. We have the whole weekend with her this weekend and I am not looking forward to it, as everything is about her. I play with her and can put on a pretence of enjoying myself, but I'm not. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should walk away now, but the thought of losing him makes me sick. Does anyone else feel like this, or been through similar?

I can't bear the thought of him not being my partner and not having my future with him. I do understand, it’s really really hard to re see the future when it seemed so perfect. However the man he seemed in the first few months is not the person he is or will be.

He’s put in his best front and spent a lot of time just you and him, but this isn’t his normal life as you’ve now been made aware.

Eveything you say, your discomfort, extreme discomfort, does not bode well. I just don’t think you are suited to a man with kids, even if he’s perfect and you love him.

I’m a SM and I was happy to take on my DPs kids, and cooked for them and cared for them. Yet I am breaking up because of the pressures of step family resentments. Being a step Mum is so hard even if you are ready and willing. Impossible I’d say if you aren’t willing to step into that role.

For all of those saying you only become a step mum once married I absolutely disagree!

I’ve been with my OH around 7 years now and have been a constant in DSD’s life since she was 18 months old.

We have DSD every weekend and 9% of every school holiday. I do the lion’s share of the childcare during these periods. I’m not intermittent, I don’t wash my hands of responsibility for my DSD, I actively have quite a large part in bringing this little girl up. A matrimonial ceremony and certificate makes no difference to me or us. It’s clear from studying these threads that I, as an unmarried step mother, go above and beyond with my step child than many of the married step mothers do.

OP I was really quite harsh in my last comment and I apologise for that. To reiterate what other posters have already mentioned, he is the problem here not DSD. He can be a father and a partner at the same time but he needs to realise that he is required to put effort into both of those roles. One he excels at already and the other, not so much. You need to communicate this with him. He has commitments with his DD and work I’m sure but he also has the right to a life outside of that. If he isn’t prepared to factor you in then you must walk away.

90% of every school holiday, not 9%

I am step mum to 3 children. I have been for 7 years. I can honestly say that it has got worse. I feel all the feeling you talk about. The dread when they come round, the fact I see their awful mum in them, they annoy me. The worst thing is they are really nice, well behaved children so I shouldn't feel how I do.

I literally dread every other weekend when they stay. We have a DD now too and that made it worse because I then knew what a real bond was. And yes you do resent the time they don't spend with your own children because he is being 'Disney land dad' to the others.

I would not recommend it to anyone.

@comeherepetal can I ask what made you stay and then have a child with him? I'm not judging at all, I'm just interested as to what made you stay? Did you think it would change? Do you and your OH get good quality time without the SC? Do you regret not leaving? Your DC must love their older siblings?

I stayed because I love him. I do not want to feel like this, so still hope I might change how I feel miraculously. Sometimes it feels easier, other times not.

Tbh it’s a lose-lose situation. He will always feel guilty for not being there full-time for his daughter, and you will feel guilty for wanting just with him.

I have no idea how people get past this, and I think you have to really be able to embrace a ready-made family.

I think your resentment (about the situation - it’s clear that it’s not directed at his daughter) is perfectly normal, but I agree, it will only get worse.

I’ve come to the conclusion that step-parenting is perhaps better if you already have your own children, because then it’s more balanced.

@comeherepetal has it affected how you are with your own DD? Do you resent the time/money he has to put into his other kids??
I really don't know how to move past it

I can totally relate to this but i used to live with my partner and his children were there half the week. I really put my all into it as far as being there for them and giving them their space alone with daddy, always made sure to speak highly of their mum who was lovely from what i knew of her, but i had it royally shoved back in my face. They weren't bad kids but they could be darned selfish and spoke to their dad like dirt a lot of the time. He had the dad guilt and so put me to the bottom of his list after the first year. I accepted this because i wanted it to work and i tried so hard only to be burned. I have ended the 4 year relationship still as in love with my now ex yet feel so relieved. I will NEVER get into a relationship with a man who has children under 16 ever again, please leave, you will be so much happier and it will save so much pain! X

I can not get over the childishness of some of these adults posting.

I resent the time he spends with his kids - what EOW 2 days per fortnight.
We get no us time - what 12/14 days not enough
I resent the lack of attention our child gets whilst he disney land dads for 2/14 days.

Some adults here need to grow up

You know what, @childlessstepmom - I was in exactly your situation, and I felt almost exactly the same, about SDC, about DP.

Reader... I married him. From feeling huge resentment about SDC, I grew to love them enormously, almost as much as my own (newish) DC - the kids love each other too.

All these feelings - seeing an ex partner in the children, wanting more 'couple' time, feeling guilty that you aren't instantly in love with someone else's children, even really dread their presence sometimes - I'd say they're normal, particularly in the early years of a relationship. But relationships change, and in my experience, step children can sometimes even make things better, particularly when you're over the just wanting to lie in bed all day stage (it does pass...). There's so much silliness here about how horrible step mums are if they don't think all the 'right' things about their SDC, and how they should leave immediately to vacate the place for someone better - a lot of it does come from people who've had bad experiences themselves, so I don't discount it. But it isn't universal truth.

I'd say, give yourself a break. Get to know your SDD, take an interest in her. Ask her questions about her life, get chatting. Accept that she's there. Accept that your feelings are fine - all of your feelings - as long as you act like an adult and are kind to the children, who don't have a choice. Your feelings aren't you, and neither are your thoughts - what matters to others is what you do. 9 year olds are fantastic. They turn into 11 year olds, and 16 year olds, and they grow up and leave home (by which time you might well be very sad to see them go). Life is a long business, and it always changes.

Whatever you decide, good luck with it. But the bit about you really loving this man but finding life hard really struck a chord with me - I could tell you all sorts of things that were exactly the same for me in the beginning (and it wasn't easy for him either, and we disagreed and fought and had situations where neither of us was right or wrong and we both ended up in tears). But we've all learned a lot from it, and I love my whole big family these days - never more so than when we're all together. When I had my own DC I thought 'my' complete family would consist of them and DH. But it doesn't. If SDC aren't there, there's a hole. And 6 years ago, I never ever ever would have thought I could possibly think that.

Good luck!

There are thousands of men you could have a relationship with...minus the baggage of an Ex and SC.

I would never have considered a man with kids when I was younger in my 20s and 30s....because I didn't have to.

This isn't the only man on earth for you....if you feel like this now, cut your losses and save everyone involved from the stress and agony of it.

*I can not get over the childishness of some of these adults posting.

I resent the time he spends with his kids - what EOW 2 days per fortnight.
We get no us time - what 12/14 days not enough
I resent the lack of attention our child gets whilst he disney land dads for 2/14 days.

Some adults here need to grow up*

Totally. If a new partner tried to dictate how much I saw my children I'd be furious and end the relationship.

He comes as a package with his daughter I'm afraid op, deal with it or leave.

Great message from 34 steps. I think it is important to separate issues linked with being a man who already has children and being in a new relationship.

In my case it's me who had the children, yet I was the one feeling that I wasn't getting enough quality life with my oh because he was a very active person. What he worried was me being clingy almost stopped him wanting us to move together however my feeling changed once we moved together and after a year or so quality time became much more important than quantity and myself became happy to have him involved in activities and out of my way!

😒 There are quite a lot of women on MN who seem to ‘love the guy but wish he didn’t have the kids’. Although this is one of the more honest and pointed threads I’ve seen so kudos on being transparent!

I don’t think it’s uncommon but counting on one day waking up and loving DSD would be very silly. He won’t make time for you indervidually anymore, it won’t go back to how it was as ‘families’ don’t exclude children, you do just spend all your time with them and you’ll learn that when you have your own.

I get that you’re very much in love with your man but the jealously/resentment will only get worse when it comes to big steps getting married and having your own children. It will never be totally about you and him and you will never be his top priority. -Harsh but true.

I’ve read a few threads by women who claim ‘DSC’s is becoming impossible to be around and they can no longer tolerate their behaviour’ but actually they’ve never had the best relationship with DSC but now they’re 7/8 months pregnant they’re less tolerant of them, resentful and basically just want DSC to shove off so they can have their new little family with their DH only DH doesn’t want that.

I’ve seen ‘DH won’t support me in asking them to visit less but having them here is bad for mine/baby’s health, how can he put me in this situation?’ I’ve also seen ‘I don’t trust DSC (learning difficult) with my new born and think DH is putting new born in danger by having DSC at the house’. (Like they didn’t know this when getting pregnant).

Unless you can 100% accept that you will never be truly equal to, or more of a priority than DSD and that things aren’t going to change, no matter how married or pregnant you get, leave now!

* I never considered dating a parent for similar reasons, love kids but want my own family without complications- it’s fine as long as you’re honest about it and don’t inflict a life of resentment and jealousy on the poor kid.