Resentment growing, not love

[childlessstepmom]

I have a 9yr old SD who I first met 6 months ago. I have been with OH for 14months and love him dearly. Although SD has taken to me very well and adores me, I can't reciprocate the feelings. I don't feel anything when I see her, in fact as time is going on I'm beginning to resent her. Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing, he is a loving father, but I resent that WE don't get time together as a couple. We have just been away together and he suggested we had a night out just us two while the gparents had his daughter (as he knows I struggle with not having much time just us), but then he changed his mind saying the holiday was about his daughter and his family. I was gutted. We have the whole weekend with her this weekend and I am not looking forward to it, as everything is about her. I play with her and can put on a pretence of enjoying myself, but I'm not. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should walk away now, but the thought of losing him makes me sick. Does anyone else feel like this, or been through similar?

I regularly read on these boards anger at comments such as 'you knew what you were getting into'. But surely that is exactly the case here. A relatively short relationship, you've only known the child 6 months, not even living together yet- it's the perfect time to say actually I'm not enjoying the reality of having a relationship with a man who has a child, best to cut my losses now and move on.

You've been very honest on this thread OP, and I admire you for that.

I am not a step parent but I have an 11 yo DS, and my husband is his step father. We've been together 6 years, lived together for 3 and been married for 1. I love DH dearly, he is wonderful and my soul mate. That notwithstanding, DS is my absolute priority. I consider myself incredibly lucky that DH understands, and supports me in this. We spend almost all of our time as a family, if DH was uncomfortable with this I would not be with him.

I think you have a possibly insurmountable problem. It's not your fault that you can't develop a true affection for your SD, and it's understandable that you want more one-on-one time with your DP. However, the major issue is that IMO it's not fair to expect your DP to cut down his time with his daughter, or to prioritise you over her.

First and foremost he is a father. That should be his priority, and anything else would mean he is not a very nice person.

What he doesn't reuse, nor you, is that the resentment won't go away but replace as his child will start to resent you for 'stealing' their time they had with their dad. He will end up stuck in the middle going back and forth and you reverting to resenting him for not giving you more of his time.

But the thing is, by starting a relationship with OP, he is bringing a third person into the dynamic who also has valid needs. Except he doesn't have room in his life to meet those needs, only his needs and the needs of his daughter. Which is fine and well. But what about the OP's needs? How does she get those met? She either leaves the relationship and finds someone else, or he makes some reasonable adjustments to his lifestyle.

It's not about the OP stealing his time from the child and having it for herself, it's about everyone in the equation getting their needs met - in the OP's case, at the most very basic level.

A new relationship cannot flourish and build the necessary foundations and intimacy if there is always a child there. It just can't. When two partners become parents they already have that foundation, that shared history of it just being the two of them. In the OP's situation she is being expected to skip all that and head straight to the family dynamic without any of the honeymoon stage that other couples have. It's not really fair for her DP to ask that of her, or of anyone. If he wants to start a relationship, he needs to make proper room in his life to be able to do that.

I'm one of those people who gets slammed on here for believing that parents need some time away from their kids and that separated/divorced parents are entitled to some free time & relationships. So long as his ex gets some child free time also then he should too & be able to do so guilt free. My exh & I both take time away from the kids & it's very necessary. I know people say if you have kids you never get a break but all parents need breaks be it a morning a week, an hour a week or a day a week. It's self care & we all need it.
Hopefully he can start looking at his access arrangements & maybe change things slightly as opposed to reducing time spent with his dd.

100% agree with all of this.

Iwish not at the expense of an innocent child's relationship with her father though surely? Sounds like with the current set up he doesn't have time for both?

It's not about the OP stealing his time from the child and having it for herself, it's about everyone in the equation getting their needs met - in the OP's case, at the most very basic level

This.

It’s not fair to set this up as being about the OP competing with the child and stealing time from her. This man wants to work full time with shift work , be a single parent and have a relationship . If that’s what he wamts, maybe HE needs to be the one who makes some compromises and concessions. You know, like most mothers do.

It’s clear that his ex is already allowing him to arrange all contact around HIS work. The DD only sees him when it suits him - which will get harder as she has her own social life . And the OP is also arranging her life around him and what he wants to do.

Do you see a pattern here ?

Sounds like a non-starter. Step parenting is hard. In fact, ANY parenting is hard. Perhaps best to throw him back in the fishpond and hope to meet someone without kids.

Sounds like with the current set up he doesn't have time for both?

Yes exactly. So if he wants both, he needs to make the compromises. That doesn't have to mean he sees his daughter less. Maybe he changes his hours at work so they're less anti-social. Maybe he gets a new job all together. Maybe he speaks to his ex and tweaks the schedule for shared care to free up some time that way.

I don't think anyone would think it was okay to suggest he spends less time with his DD to spend more time with OP.

But even if OP decides this isn't the relationship for her, what's he going to do next time? Find a woman he likes and condemn her to evening after evening on the sofa watching TV while DD sleeps? Hardly an attractive proposition to a new partner is it?

He doesn't have room in his life for a relationship at the moment. If he wants a relationship, he needs to make room for one.

Op, being a step parent is tougher than being an actual parent but if you don't have dc you have additionally been thrown into a role where your Dp has had 9 years to adjust to.He hasn't been sensitive to your needs, has he?

It feels as if he made an effort at the start so that you started to have feelings but in reality he wanted someone to just slot into his life. If he wants to make this better then he needs to make changes and agree it's likely to be his work.

I suspect he wants a replacement "wife", rather than realise he has to adjust his life, he can't have it all without changes.
Sadly I think its common for some men to just focus on their needs...perhaps its unconscious but it is still makes an impact.

Please do not settle as resentment is awful and turns you into someone you don't want to be.

If I was dating someone without dc I would be so sensitive to their needs, definitely in the early days such as you.
Why did his marriage break up?

I agree with most other posters. You don't have kids and you want the most normal thing, which is to enjoy couple's time, except that this man has a demanding work schedule and a child whom he loves a lot and wants to spend most of his free time with. Even if he took a night off to be with you, few days later, you'll want couple's time again and it will be hard again. If you continue with him and one day want kids of your own, you will jealous that instead of focusing on your pregnancy and your new baby, he will still be into his daughter. When his daughter will become a teenager, she will probably change and her behaviour will start annoying you more (I say this because I met my SD at 8 and she was the sweetest child and used to feel lucky to have her, it was 4 years ago and I have my own baby now and I'm annoyed at her quiet a bit, it makes me sad, but it's like that).
This man is not the only one in this world, you can find someone you're happy with and you wouldn't be a bad person for not accepting this situation. Love doesn't conquer it all, like another poster said, it actually gets killed by incompatibility.

You won't be able to hide your resentment too long and your man will pick up on it and when women complain, most men hate it and it just pushes them away. Better choose a situation where you are happy. I wish I could go back, but we already have a house (in renovation) and a baby.

All the best!

To be honest it's him who is acting blindly. He has a girlfriend he's only been with a year already making demands that will have a significant impact on his life, who admits resenting hid child who's done nothing wrong, and he thi is that couple therapy is going to sort it all out. This is sad.

Of course if every needs could be met there would be no thread but how? Even if worked M-F there would still be little time together and holidays would be no different.

When I got with my childless partner I made it clear that he was taking on a family not just me and if he couldn't do that thrn however much in love and perfect for each other we were we would have to part ways. It hasn't been easy but thankfully he is an independent person with plenty of friends and hobbies so not needed to spend too much time just with me. The times we do spend just him and I are just made even more special quality over quantity.

Sorry but in these situations the child should and must come first.

And you must make a firm decision one way or the other. Not fair on the child to mess about if she is already attached to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship where the other person didn’t have time for me (for whatever reason.)

I have a DSD but we have 50:50 which means we have one weekend day free each week (as does her DM and her partner) as well as some days in the week. I think most marriages would struggle if the people in it never got to spend quality time together. One of the things often advised in couples counselling is to spend quality time together.

He’s not free to give you this time. It’s ok to walk away and find someone who can.

It's only been 6 months - that's barely anything and it's probably still a novelty to her to see you and her dad especially if he's seeing her rarely so she's bound to be a little attention seeking and she's bound to be over excited. (Plus she's a child....!)

Personally you need to rethink whether you want to be with someone with a child - if you're serious on him then perhaps consider getting counselling which can help you re prioritise your feelings better.

I agree that partners need time alone to develop their relationship. However two things seem to be jumping out from your posts OP:

• you don’t seem to like spending time with her at all. Or very very little.
• you don’t want to develop a relationship with your DSD.
• there aren’t any other major problems, she’s not been rude and your DP is fine, so if this has come up so soon as an issue for you despite no difficulties, then having a regular stroppy future teenage DSD will be huge!

To be fair did all this g it triggered after feeling let down not having that day together during the holiday? It wasn't u reasonable to have his parents look after his daughter whilst having a night out together so what happened to change his mind? Does this mean his parents were there too? That IS a big effort to take time off to be away with your companion child and parents so unreasonable of him to change his mind about one night off.

Unless the parents said no or you had an argument this would raise alarm bells.

@swingofthings he said that he felt bad leaving SD even though I spoke to his parents who said they were happy to have her for the night and that we should go out together. I challenged him again and he said he he didn't want to leave her out, so basically he made an empty promise to me. We had argued the week before about this very topic (me struggling with the SM stuff) so I saw it as vitally important that we went out and he let me down, but he admitted that he was wrong to do that

As a stepchild myself OP I don't think you can fake feelings. I've been part of a step-family since 1981 and I don't love any of them. I care about some of them, like most of them at least some of the time, but for me blood is definitely thicker than water and I wish even now that there was no 'blended' part to my family.

IMO you're just being honest and that's okay, but if you stay with your DP I think you should accept that feelings for his DD probably won't develop over time. For now though, she's going to be a big part of your life, whether you like it or not, and she has a right to be there with him whenever he's not at work. Having said that, once she hits her teenage years I suspect she'll choose to spend at least some of her time with friends and your time with your DP is likely to increase. Can you live like this for the next several years, until she starts to have a life of her own?

Is there a thing about SM / SD relationships being harder to form (from the SM side)? I can't help but she his ex when I look at her and I can't help but feel anger towards the ex (not to my SD) almost jealously and I feel horrible for thinking that. I don't look at her and love her because I see the ex. When I look at my nieces and nephews who I adore, I see my family in them so I love them beyond belief. I fear that if I can't get that bond with her, and it's not even coming a little bit, then I never will. I feel like saying to my OH, imagine he had no children and I had a DS who looked just like my ex, would he struggle to bond like I do because he sees my ex partner in them? Is that a crazy thought??

Get rid. This isn't going to improve.

Find one more suitable.

@juneau but why won't they develop? I feel like a wicked stepmother not having any feelings there. I should love her and want to be around her, but I just don't. I count down the time she goes to bed so I can talk normally with my OH for a couple of hours before we have to go to bed. I guess in time she will be off doing other things with her mates, but I have no idea how I would feel then, and there's a lot of time imbetween, and we want kids etc (if we stay together) and I don't know how I'll feel about all that being shared

@Baumederose please elaborate, is this from experience?

I was a step child and have been involved with a man with two young kids.

I wouldn't do it again. I agree with many of the other posters and can't add much to their opinions.

It will be constant juggling and him feeling guilty as you've already seen. And it will be like this for at least another 5 years until she gets more of her own social life as a teen.

Just cut losses now and get one more compatible with what you want. You already know its not got a future. Don't prolong the agony.

OP I think your last update crystallises things. There’s more to this than just boredom with a child’s company and lack of couples time. I really do think you need to find a guy with new kids.

*no kids