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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Resentment growing, not love

115 replies

childlessstepmom · 03/09/2018 16:13

I have a 9yr old SD who I first met 6 months ago. I have been with OH for 14months and love him dearly. Although SD has taken to me very well and adores me, I can't reciprocate the feelings. I don't feel anything when I see her, in fact as time is going on I'm beginning to resent her. Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing, he is a loving father, but I resent that WE don't get time together as a couple. We have just been away together and he suggested we had a night out just us two while the gparents had his daughter (as he knows I struggle with not having much time just us), but then he changed his mind saying the holiday was about his daughter and his family. I was gutted. We have the whole weekend with her this weekend and I am not looking forward to it, as everything is about her. I play with her and can put on a pretence of enjoying myself, but I'm not. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should walk away now, but the thought of losing him makes me sick. Does anyone else feel like this, or been through similar?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/09/2018 17:20

But the thing is, by starting a relationship with OP, he is bringing a third person into the dynamic who also has valid needs. Except he doesn't have room in his life to meet those needs, only his needs and the needs of his daughter. Which is fine and well. But what about the OP's needs? How does she get those met? She either leaves the relationship and finds someone else, or he makes some reasonable adjustments to his lifestyle.

I completely agree with this.

OP, if your OH isn't willing to make any time for you then he isn't in a position to be in a relationship. You're not getting what you deserve here.

As much as it would be lovely (and easier!) if you did love SD and want to spend all your time with her, the reality is that it's so unlikely anyone would feel that way about someone else's child.

There are compromises you need to make when you're in a relationship with a parent, and compromises they need to make to be in a relationship with you. If my OH never made any time for us to be together alone then we would no longer be together.

Have you asked him about keeping some time free for you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2018 17:23

I feel like saying to my OH, imagine he had no children and I had a DS who looked just like my ex, would he struggle to bond like I do because he sees my ex partner in them? Is that a crazy thought??

I really wouldn't do that OP. It reads exactly like you really really dislike his child and that your resentment will grow the more she grows and looks like her Mum.

It's not his fault, or the ex's fault, or the SD's fault! How would raising that progress things for either of you? He'd know that based on her face, whatever effort anyone might attempt to form a genuine bond between you, you're convinced it's impossible!

There's plenty written about the SM/SD relationship being the hardest to crack but it's not my experience. I get on with my own SM much better than my brothers do, and my relationship with my SD is much simpler and easier for both of us than my relationship with my SS. I'm close to them both but it's been more natural with SD whereas SS's behaviour has been harder to handle at times and I've had to make more effort to find common interests with him.

As it happens, neither of them looks at all like their Mum but even if they did, they'd still be their own people with their own features and their own personalities.

kitkat6 · 04/09/2018 17:29

I am a stepmum (but my DSS lives with us).

It is still fairly early days, honestly on weekends especially I would focus on enjoying having a stepchild, stay at your own home, so you do not have to be dragged into the world of step parenting at an ungodly hour. You can come into it in your own time when you are ready. Then you can all have fun together. You are not currently her stepmum you are her dads girlfriend. Save the difficult stuff for in a few years time.

TwistedStitch · 04/09/2018 17:39

If you are counting the hours until she is no longer around and feel jealous and resentful because of who her mother is then you have no business carrying on with this relationship and being in her life. No child should be forced to be around adults who resent their existence. It is still early days, you are not married, have no financial ties, shared home, joint children. Staying together at this point is an active choice you are making at the expense of a child's wellbeing.

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 17:46

In the nicest way you are dads girlfriend, not stepmum. In truth Id beunhappy because he isnt giving you anything that a relationship needs. Most parents put some alone time into relationships, the grandparents looking after her would have been nice for her. I think he is the problem not the child.

juneau · 04/09/2018 19:06

I didn't say they wouldn't develop OP, I said they probably wouldn't. Why not? Because IME it's really hard to love someone else's DC. It's really hard to love your parent's new DP too - they chose that person - but it doesn't mean that that person means jack shit to you. But you're not a wicked step-mother, any more than I'm a wicked step-daughter - some people you love, others you don't, but you can't force yourself to love someone.

wLuytgNx · 04/09/2018 19:11

Walk away, the feeling will never go away. You will be counting down to when the child is old enough to not want to come round any more, to not want to come on holiday with you any more.... honestly walk away. The arguments and atmosphere will always be there because your other half will feel the vibe from you towards his daughter. She will always be first and if you can't deal with being second best (which is fine... we all want to be number one in our partner's eyes) then leave now.

But for a minute put yourself in his shoes... imagine you cant wait to see your child and yet your other half can't stand her........ wow Leave now before he decides its over.

Original poster
childlessstepmom · 04/09/2018 19:22

@wLuytgNx it's not that I can't stand her, I just don't feel anything for her and I resent that I don't get time just me and my OH. I don't particularly enjoy doing stuff just us 3 because it's all about her, and I feel I'm on edge, like I can't be myself around her. I am a fun, lively, silly, wild person and I don't feel like that side of me is totally appropriate for a 9 year old. I cant fully relax when we have her and I'm putting this front on, when really I just wish I had time with just my OH

OP posts:
Original poster
childlessstepmom · 04/09/2018 19:25

The hardest thing is, is that I love him so much. No guy has made me feel the way he does, and I've been married before. I've never wanted kids until I met him. I can't bear the thought of him not being my partner and not having my future with him. But I know that I can't carry on pretending I'm ok with being an SM. It has all been pushed upon me by OH, we were guided by SD and she wanted to see me all the time, even from the start, so we went with it. No I feel it will be hard to pull that back now, both her and him expect me to spend as much time with them as I can, and I just don't want to

OP posts:
wLuytgNx · 04/09/2018 19:52

OP - I know you say you it's not that you can't stand her but trust me, as the years go by it will get harder and harder. If you can't be yourself, you will resent her greatly. You will resent your partner for not finding the time to spend just you two.

In the future if a baby of your own comes along, you will resent your partner for not having enough money to spend on baby as he's got to spend it on first daughter and not being able to do things just you 3 as his daughter will always be with you on those family days out. How rubbish when you cant even be yourself around your own future child.

If you have all these thoughts and feelings now you have to either walk away or really try and get over this, as it will destroy you. Perhaps seek counselling so you can try and get through this as you really want to be with your partner, if you cant do so walk away.

Your partner deserves someone who wants to worship his daughter as he does - If only I'd read my own advice 10+ years ago!

I'm speaking from experience... waiting for SD to be old enough not to want to come away with us.... not to want to come round every weekend... for OH to stop paying each the ex week.......... #resentismylife

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/09/2018 20:10

Don't you have to be married to have a step child?

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 04/09/2018 20:10

I was in exactly your position ten years ago. Honestly it’s like I could’ve written your posts.

I stayed and we’re in a good place now but it has taken years to get there.

Looking back, I think we always would’ve stayed together and had the DC we have together eventually. But I wish I’d had the balls back then to say what you’re saying to him now, which is: sort your life out and when you have the time and headspace to commit to a relationship and put the required effort in, come and find me.

I think if I’d said that all those years ago, I’d still be with DP now but we could have avoided years of arguing and buried resentment.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 04/09/2018 20:11

He’s the problem, not the DD.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 20:22

Hmmm. If you're getting upset, jealous or actually having any feelings that she looks like her mum (his Ex), you need to leave the relationship.

I was trying to understand how you felt up until that post.

In fact if a BF said that to my hearing about my kids looking like my Ex, I'd get rid of them immediately.

Irrational jealousy like this is scary for me.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 20:29

I can't help but SEE his ex when I look at her and I can't help but feel anger towards the ex (not to my SD) almost jealously and I feel horrible for thinking that. I don't look at her and love her because I see the ex.

What's the backstory?

Why the jealousy? Because he had a child with someone else?

What has his Ex done to you to make you angry?

Wallywobbles · 04/09/2018 20:53

I'm friends with my step kids. I really dislike their mother, because she makes our lives harder including my kids. But don't know her well enough to see her in my DSC.

They live with me 50/50 and I have a parenting role, but they have a mum so I don't have to love them unconditionally. Not my job. I like them. They are good kids.

But DH really went out of his way, as did I, to spend time just us 2. Including trips away. Regular meals out etc. We still do whenever possible. And it's vital. With 4 kids between us it's not simple and we jump on any offers of help.

juneau · 04/09/2018 21:17

You need to try and redraw the boundaries if you're finding it stifling always having to be around when he's with his DD. He knows you're struggling, so tell him right now that you need to have a bit of time to yourself and that it's all been a bit too much too fast. You can't let a 9-year-old dictate your life - set some boundaries and your relationship with your DP might reset to something you can tolerate.

user1486915549 · 05/09/2018 07:56

I also find it very worrying that he didn’t want to spend a pre arranged evening with you on holiday even though his child had her grandparents there and they were happy to look after her.
Sounds like he is never happy to spend time with you now , though he did when you first got together.
I think you have a problem with DP not DSD

lunar1 · 05/09/2018 10:30

Your partner should make time for the two of you. But you've gone past the point of that helping now. I truly hope for everyone's sake you end this before you end up having a child with this man.

swingofthings · 05/09/2018 14:25

You are coming across as considering her competition for your OH attention. You've kept it for yourself until you felt your OH was deep in love enough to start making demands.

This is terrible OP. Even if he does go with your demands now so not to lose it you can be sure resentment will take over at some point when he realises what it means for his daughter.

He really rely really isn't the man for you. Let him go now before you cause upset all around starting with yourself.

daftgeranium · 05/09/2018 19:06

OP, don't take all the criticism of you to heart. Yes this man has a daughter and needs to parent her properly. But if he wants to have a relationship then he needs to put effort into it and time into it as well. If he isn't doing that, then HE isn't ready for a relationship.

swingofthings · 06/09/2018 07:52

Exactly! He's not ready for a relationship with a woman who can accept his dedication to his child.

Why do people think that because to people love each other it is ok to put this on a pedestal and ignore the rest?

Bibidy · 06/09/2018 10:12

Exactly! He's not ready for a relationship with a woman who can accept his dedication to his child.

No, he's not ready for a relationship if he has no time to give to his partner! OP is not wrong for wanting some time alone with her partner, it wouldn't be hard for him to organise things so they could have a bit more time together.

When you get into a relationship, you can't just have the attitude of "this is me, like it or lump it". It takes effort and compromise from both sides and it doesn't seem like OP's partner is making any effort at all.

TwistedStitch · 06/09/2018 10:20

And what about the fact that OP resents this girl because she looks at her and sees the ex, and feels jealous? And counts down the hours until she is no longer around? That isn't just about not having enough alone time.

Bibidy · 06/09/2018 10:36

And what about the fact that OP resents this girl because she looks at her and sees the ex, and feels jealous? And counts down the hours until she is no longer around? That isn't just about not having enough alone time

It could be heavily related though. OP has said she has a good relationship with the little girl herself even though she harbours these feelings currently.

I also think that OP is fairly early on in her step-parent life and it can be such a huge adjustment...I'm sure many step-parents have felt similar resentment at first while they get used to being in such a new and tough situation. In OP's case, this isn't helped by the fact that she's gone from living alone and just having a boyfriend and her own free time, to living with him and spending any free time with his young child.

I think the situation could be vastly improved by OP's DP rearranging things a little so that he and OP have some quality time together. If she still feels the same after this, then I'd say maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship, but currently the situation is bound to breed resentment.

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