Resentment growing, not love

[childlessstepmom]

I have a 9yr old SD who I first met 6 months ago. I have been with OH for 14months and love him dearly. Although SD has taken to me very well and adores me, I can't reciprocate the feelings. I don't feel anything when I see her, in fact as time is going on I'm beginning to resent her. Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing, he is a loving father, but I resent that WE don't get time together as a couple. We have just been away together and he suggested we had a night out just us two while the gparents had his daughter (as he knows I struggle with not having much time just us), but then he changed his mind saying the holiday was about his daughter and his family. I was gutted. We have the whole weekend with her this weekend and I am not looking forward to it, as everything is about her. I play with her and can put on a pretence of enjoying myself, but I'm not. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should walk away now, but the thought of losing him makes me sick. Does anyone else feel like this, or been through similar?

You're honest about your feelings, OP. You just need to be equally honest in admitting to yourself that this relationship can't work for you.

He's a parent, he wants to spend time with his child. You're not wrong for feeling as you do. But you are wrong to stay there harbouring resentment, and seeing his child as an obstacle to your 'alone time'.

As pp's have said, not everyone is cut out to be a step-parent. A man with DCs aged 18+ or no DCs would be far better for you.

The only way to resolve this partly is for him to cut out one of the weekends he sees his child, and spend that weekend with you. You know best whether he'll agree, or resent the suggestion, or maybe tell you to move on.

I think you're flogging a dead horse really but, nothing beats a try as they say

Oh please please please take a big step back. Don't resent the child!
I tell you this from the position of a resident step parent. We have full residency.
For the love of the man you accept the sacrifice of his time being spent with his children. My dp and I never have time to ourselves. We had our first child free night in over a year this summer. If you can't accept that he's a parent please walk away. It's a hard life and I'm not sure you're ready for it.

You’re being very honest op and you know yourself best. It was for similar reasons that I made an (unpublished on my profile) rule not to get involved with a man with children younger than mine.

You need to have a relationship with someone who is childless.

It's too fast and too soon...
You should be having alone time with your boyfriend. It's unfair of him to expect you will spend all the time with his child. It sounds like be is not making an effort for you and just expects you to fit into his life..

I would leave..he doesn't love you nor have a space in his life for a partner..

Hello,
Have a read of the ‘how do you feel about your step kids- honestly’ thread on here.
Lots of people feel like you! It’s very hard for a bond to grow quickly with a step dc even if in your mind you’d love there to be one because you love your dp.
I have felt quite relieved reading that thread.
I love my husband and my dd and I care for my dsd but the same bond isn’t there. It may take a lot longer to grow. It’s an indirect relationship and you only get to develop it in fits and starts.
I’ve felt the burden is lifted now I’ve stopped feeling bad that close bond type feelings aren’t there (yet).
I’ve reconciled it as- I love dh and dd (who LOVES dsd) so I want to open up my life to dsd to allow those relationships to happen. And that’s all it is for now and that’s ok.
I do push back on dh to do (some of) the parenting when she’s here and I do insist on some time just us (even if it’s just something quiet at home when kids are in bed) and I do stuff on my own sometimes.
I think it could work if you can come to a good agreement with dp and if you want to stay.

I admire your honesty. Your feelings are your feelings and can't be wrong. This relationship just isn't right for you. I wonder if it's an option to just take several steps back and go back to simple dating. That's tricky when his DC is attached to you. Have you thought about whether anything from your early years might be getting triggered here? If so, therapy might be helpful. But otherwise, this just isn't the relationship you need. Though that's hard, you can't keep faking it. It's not fair on you or anyone else.

Thank you for all of your messages. I have spoken with oh tonight and been quite open about how I feel. He is desperate to not lose me, has suggests some couples therapy and he is looking at how he can factor in more time just 'us'. I've said I want to take a step back (although easier said than done when sd is very attached to me) but I need to, I have said I can't fake it and it's not fair on any of us to do that as it will unravel in the end..
I honestly don't know if any of his words/promises will help or even come to fruition, so I will allow him the time to show me what can change. If it can't, then I will need to walk away, I don't have any other choice. But I feel I need to give him the chance to respond to my fears if he wants to aid the relationship

It's good to talk OP. But any solution will involve him cutting out some of his time with his DD. Essentially, this could very well lead to him becoming unhappy and that's not going to be a positive for your relationship.

As desperate as he may be not to lose you, he'll be equally as desperate not to lose his DD.

He's a man that doesn't walk away from his responsibilities as a dad. That's a good thing. How it'll translate into your futures is another thing.

I would feel the same. Which is exactly why I would never have a relationship with someone that has children. She is his priority and you have to accept that or move on.

It’s highly unlikely to get better, and as she gets older, she’ll sense your resentment....and that will be awful for all concerned!

What would you do if you had your own children? You can’t expect ‘days off’ then.

I was an 18 year old when I met OH. He had an 18 MO DD and any days off he got we had her. It’s the way it is. It isn’t amazing. It’s the least he should be doing. They soon grow up. If this isn’t for you then walk away

I know, and I'm sceptical, but I need to let him try. I don't actually think it will work deep down, but he's adamant he wants to do everything he can to help. Maybe he just doesn't want to let go. And neither do I. But I can't see it working in the long run, as much as I want it to. I would never get involved with someone who has children again, regardless of circumstance or age

It’s good you’ve talked about how you both feel.

You met her at a perfectly fine time, it’s always a tricky balance between meeting the DC too early and putting them through the upheaval of breaking up soon after, and pursuing a relationship with someone who you like as a person but may not be able to stand as a parent.

No one is in the wrong in this situation and you’re right to be honest with yourself and your partner.

For me, my life is considerably more complicated, expensive, lacking in time and independence with step children in it. It’s never all going to be easy. You, the DC, your partner are all getting used to the new normal and it takes time for a family dynamic to bed in. The happiness, however, that they bring to my life, and have done since I got to know them, is far far greater than the costs. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done if I didn’t feel genuine warmth towards them when I knew how much I loved their father. It must be really difficult and I do feel for you.

If the resentment is bigger than the positives of having them both in your life then I’d strongly consider walking away. It’s braver and more mature to do so than to waste time trying to make yourself feel differently to what comes naturally.

That's a good chat OP. How you feel is very common and it's also not unusual to displace resentment onto the child, when actually, the problem is that he's handling this all wrong.

He's got you 'locked down' and now your role is to slot into his life so that he doesn't have to change anything and you have to change everything.

It's fair enough to want to be a priority for your partner, not just a useful appendage. I hope he manages how to figure some time to do that for you.

OP I think it's good that your honest with your DP.
I am a single parent but am in a long term relationship with someone with children. I met his children after a couple of years, as we wanted to be sure of us before getting the children on both sides involved. To be honest we spent time together very gradually, but I found his daughters habits annoying and started to resent the time we would spend together, however over time our bond is stronger and I genuinely really miss her when she is not with us. We have a really good relationship, and quite often get things that I know she would like, book things I know she is interested in. At the beginning I was going to break off the relationship, and thought I couldn't be in a relationship with a man with children.
However, someone said to me that you cannot expect to spend lots of time with a child and suddenly love or even care for them, as you do not know them or have any shared history. I love my nieces/nephews/friends children because of the time we have spent together over years.
You could have a future as you seem to communicate well, but I think you are right to step back and develop a relationship slowly with his child as this is more natural.

Op it's great that you had the chat but I second what @IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat says. I'm one of those people who gets slammed on here for believing that parents need some time away from their kids and that separated/divorced parents are entitled to some free time & relationships. So long as his ex gets some child free time also then he should too & be able to do so guilt free. My exh & I both take time away from the kids & it's very necessary. I know people say if you have kids you never get a break but all parents need breaks be it a morning a week, an hour a week or a day a week. It's self care & we all need it.
Hopefully he can start looking at his access arrangements & maybe change things slightly as opposed to reducing time spent with his dd.
As others have said if you're choosing to stay with him for however long I'd step back from spending so much time with him & his dd & focus on yourself a little more - you'll probably feel much better if you do.
Good luck.

This doesn’t bode well at all, and I do think that you’d be better off out if the relationship. You are resenting your DP being a father, and he is, you won’t ever have those weekends just you.

If the child adores you and is warm towards you then it is not good that you resent her. You don’t have to love her straight away, and it’s natural to want to take things slowly, but what you feel seems to be more negative than that.

It sounds like you have had him initially spending more time with you, but now he is going back to how he normally spends time with his daughter. I think you need a man without kids, and him and the child need a woman who is willing to reciprocate a relationship with both.

You must have had time alone together in the several months you were developing your relationship before you met his daughter.
So what changed ? Did he decide now he had you on board you had to slot into his life and he didn’t need to bother dating you any more ?
Walk away. You are clearly not his priority.
Your SD will be with you both for the rest of your lives.
Believe me , it won’t get better !

So you told him how you felt and more or less said that unless he spends more time with you without his child you're off and because he is desperate not to lose you he will agree so ultimately it is his child who will miss out whilst you get what you want.

Your partner is a fool. You are accepting him for who he is and instead of telling to do so or move On, he is bowing to your demands.

What he doesn't reuse, nor you, is that the resentment won't go away but replace as his child will start to resent you for 'stealing' their time they had with their dad. He will end up stuck in the middle going back and forth and you reverting to resenting him for not giving you more of his time.

You'll be another frustrated SM but blaming everyone else for your feelings when the problem is that you didnt accept from the start thst your OH was already a father.

So you told him how you felt and more or less said that unless he spends more time with you without his child you're off and because he is desperate not to lose you he will agree so ultimately it is his child who will miss out whilst you get what you want

Why would you assume that the child would miss out? As a PP said, the pornokem is mostly his job.

The op is wanting to spend more time alone with her Bf and she’s perfectly entitled to tell him that. Of course he has choices, just like all working parents do . He’s said that he doesn’t want her to leave, so it’s up to him to work out a solution.

He could go part time or do flexible hours, and fit his work around his child, as many parents do . He could change to a different job altogether, to accommodate his parenting responsibilities.

I’m suprised you haven’t heard of these options, they are very common.

She's 9 and back at school this weekend. Couple of years and she'll be off to secondary school, new friends, more after school stuff to do. You'll see far less of her then.

@IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat that makes complete sense and it's been what I have thinking most of last night/today, that I've just slotted in to his life and done it because I love him, when in reality I am not enjoying it and yes we spend time together, but not alone time. If he managed to make time for us in the beginning, then he needs to do that now also. He's told me he's going to approach his boss about working mon-fri instead, but I don't know how this will work in reality as the nature of his job always involves shift work.
I'm am apprehensive and hearing so many mixed things on here makes me sway from one to the other. Shifting the resentment from her on to him is helping though.
Thank you so much for the messages of guidance

OP one of your comments has made me question whether you'd be happy to have the child around at all - you said that spending the weekend with her is boring and that you dread her waking up because the day starts. Do you feel you would enjoy the time more if once your partner rearranges his working partner you get more time alone (and I agree you absolutely need time alone)? Clearly the girl is his main priority and so he will still want the 3 of you to share family time too. If not then you are asking him to partition his life and that has no long term prospects. I think you need to try and establish if spending time with her will ever be doable for you.

Working pattern, not partner.