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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Blending families

51 replies

Gymgirl18 · 30/08/2018 16:24

So my OH and I have been wedding planning for a few years now and have decided to just go abroad, just the two of us to combine our wedding and honeymoon into one short trip. I love my DSC but we just can’t afford to take them with us (prices basically triple during school holidays) and obviously can’t take them out of school, nor would we want to have them miss school.

By going abroad, without any family or friends, we were trying to cut out the whole “offending people by not inviting them” but their Mum says they are really upset that they can’t come and I feel terrible that we’ve excluded them.

We’ll be having a very small reception at home when we get back which they’ll obviously be at. I’ve explained all this to them and told them that we would have loved to have had them at the wedding, but I don’t know what more we can do.

Any suggestions or thoughts on this would be incredibly welcome...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PrincessAvaR · 30/08/2018 16:36

I'm in a similar position to you as I'd love to just go abroad and get married, just the 2 of us, but I know my OH's ExW would kick up a stink about my DSC not being there! I've got 2 DS's myself and OH and I have a DD between us and we wouldn't take any of them because of the cost & having to take 4 out of 5 out of school, but this wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to her. She's also the type of person who would make comments in front of the children to try to turn them against their DF.

How did the DSC react when you explained the situation to them? Could this just be your OH's XP trying to make you both feel guilty?

HerondaleDucks · 30/08/2018 16:46

Sorry I think that's a dick move.
If you didn't want to invite anyone you could of easily done a small ceremony with minimal people. Of course you should invite your future step children! They will be a massive part of your life and you've excluded them.
Change your plans before you upset them and it's irreversible!

Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 16:49

whats the point of going away for a private wedding to avoid inviting people, than having a reception afterwood, where you are inviting people?

Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 16:50

if you are going for the recetion anyway, why don't you repeat your vows at the reception? and go for the DSC being bridesmaids, page boys, the whole lot, at the reception, and still get your private wedding as well?

nellyolsenscurl · 30/08/2018 16:54

Any thoughts or suggestions

Include them. Yes it will be more expensive during school holidays but if their DM allows them to take maybe the last 2 days off (when they don't do any work anyway) that should make a difference price wise. Don't pretend that you'd 'love to have them there' but then make it impossible.

Faerie87 · 30/08/2018 17:25

I was told a little trick by my cousin, however it depends on where you are based.

If you live in England, but fly from a Scottish airport in the last two weeks of the summer holidays you can get flights a lot cheaper, this is due to Scottish children going back to school earlier then those in England. Obviously if this does not apply to you then ignore me! Lol

It’s a bit of a tricky one IMHO, do you have children together? Would they be coming? Who will be your witnesses if you do go? I think It is your day and your choice how you get married and if you do include them in your reception at home afterwards that should be enough, I also think that the children’s mother is overstepping the mark there, I have a step child and we don’t make demands on what goes on at her mothers house and her mother does not make demands on what goes on at our house.

Anyway congratulations in advance :-)

HappyStep1 · 30/08/2018 17:28

Why not have a low key registry office wedding here and reception as previously mentioned so kids can be involved. You can still go on honeymoon somewhere lovely.
Of course they are upset about being excluded, they think you don't want them there. You've not mentioned any DC of your own, are you really ready to be married to a man with children if you're prepared to exclude them from this big event?

Chew2 · 30/08/2018 17:28

I say do what u and and your dp want to do, its your wedding not anyone elses. I would just go ahead and do it and don't share anything with the exp and just tell all children your plans in this country. If you are doing it by yourselves the dps will understand when they get older. We had two ceremonies, one abroad and one in this country and my dps children did not attend abroad as we would have had to rely on the exp making my dps children available and due to her jealousy and general behaviour we knew we could not trust her. The ceremony in this country was organised on a date on his weekend anyway and the exp didn't need any info. Unless the exp has the best interests of their children in mind you do not need to tell them your plans 😁

Palava57 · 30/08/2018 17:29

Obvious question - why not get married near home so all children can be there then go on your honeymoon just the 2 of you?

Palava57 · 30/08/2018 17:31

Oops! Didn’t see happystep post before I posted

lunar1 · 30/08/2018 17:31

Any man that would consider getting married without his children is an utter asshole. Hope that helps.

SpottingTheZebras · 30/08/2018 17:32

I don’t think it says much about you having a blended or happy family in the future if you won’t include them in something as significant as this. Would you exclude your own children?

amy85 · 30/08/2018 17:37

Dick move....you can't exclude the groom's children from his wedding

Original poster

Gymgirl18 · 30/08/2018 17:41

Thanks for all your comments...not sure how to tag people to respond so general comment:

To be clear, we haven’t booked anything yet and we’re definitely not trying to exclude them, just we both have large families who we’re close to so costs were mounting. Reception is cheaper as we’re not telling venue it’s for a wedding, just for a family do, which seems to make a big difference to cost quote somehow?

In light of how the kids now feel (they were quite happy with the idea when we talked about it a month or so ago as they will both be bridesmaids at the reception which we’re treating as the “big event”) we’re looking at perhaps doing it at the end of a term and taking on board the suggestion of having them miss the last day or two of school as they’re in primary school or doing it during half term or something as it seems to be slightly cheaper when booked well in advance.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 30/08/2018 17:48

Why is it you explaining to them and not their dad? Does he feel bad? Is it really what he wants to or is he going along with what you want? If the latter the kids will pick up on it and resent you. It could be the start of them being difficult with you. It might seem that it is worth upsetting them for the wedding of your dream but if this triggers years of resentful kids it might not be so worth it in a couple of years.

fuzzyfozzy · 30/08/2018 19:27

What about flying out with dc and parents. Get married and dp bring dc home.
Schools will usually allow then out for a close family wedding

WhiteCat1704 · 30/08/2018 20:01

Get married the way you want it.
His ex and children don't get a say. If its just the 2 of you they have to get over it.

Alternatively get married in the registrar with SC and parents only present and go to your honeymoon straight after. Even the ex shouldn't insist you include SC in that...Have the reception for wider family later..as planned.

woodywoo2 · 30/08/2018 20:05

I'd just go and get married the two of you. It's not about the children, or anyone else! It's about the two of you!

Have your reception with the SC when you get home.

WhiteCat1704 · 30/08/2018 20:05

Oh and getting married in UK and a honeymoon straight after will be cheaper than getting married abroad.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 30/08/2018 20:17

We did this.

We wanted to get married and wanted a small do. Thought about doing a local register office, but did not want to have to invite loads of people. So we decided to go abroad for a week just the two of us.

We talked to the kids (teenagers) about it. Initially they wanted to come with us, but also did not really like the idea of being on honeymoon with us either.

In the end we decided it was about us and what we wanted to do. So we did what we wanted to do.

That was about 5 years ago and we had a lovely time, the kids barely mentioned it when we got home.

Blendingrock · 30/08/2018 22:11

I'd just go and get married the two of you. It's not about the children, or anyone else! It's about the two of you!

I disagree. I get that different things work for different people and only you know what makes you feel comfortable... but for us, when planning our wedding the thought never occurred to exclude the kids from the day. We took the view that the by getting married and creating a blended family, then that decision affected everyone, kids included, so the kids should be part of the day. Yes it increased the costs because the girls were my bridesmaids and the boys groomsmen BUT the long term benefits far outweighed the fleeting pain caused by the additional cost.

For us, the blending of our family meant that we recognised that life was never going to be the same again for anyone, kids included, and that was bound to cause plenty of bumps along the road as time went on without starting off that way. We wanted to create a day that was meaningful and joyful for everyone, and that created good memories for everyone. Every family needs a "bank" of good memories and shared experiences they can draw on when things get rough, blended families even more so because they face challenges that traditional nuclear families don't.

In a blended family you have to create new routines, new living arrangements, new memories, new traditions. It's a constant readjusting and balancing act that can be rough for everyone. Stuff blindsides you when you least expect it and unless you build a strong foundation from the start, the whole thing gets very rocky very quickly. Having blended our own family nearly 10 years ago, I can honestly say I can see why so many blended families fail!

I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear when planning a wedding, but trust me, we tend to start as we mean to go on, so yes, it's your wedding and it IS about the two of you, but it's also about the family you are creating simply by getting married.

Whatever you decide to do, have a beautiful, joy filled day

disconnecteddrifter · 31/08/2018 07:25

Ignore the emotive posters. The wedding is a commitment between the two of you. I wouldn't want to take anyone including my kids either and they would understand that because they aren't entitled and understand relationships are different and st different times, different relationships take priority! Good lesson for life.
However you could have a wedding reception - we are doing this and I have a good quote - as soon as you say wedding the premium is ridiculous but if you say party it's much more reasonable. Get them involved in planning/making things for the party and give them important roles. It's up to no one how you and your partner make your commitment to each other. Good luck

lunar1 · 31/08/2018 17:30

I've heard it all now! A child isn't behaving entitled to expect to go to their dads wedding.

disconnecteddrifter · 31/08/2018 20:14

Surely the whole expecting means entitled?! Did you go to your parents wedding? I certainly didn't it was before I was born. They will have a celebration but the ceremony is for them.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2018 20:51

I'd just bear in mind kids can remember these things for a very long time.

Did you go to your parents wedding?

It's very different if you weren't born isn't It? It's just not comparable.

My DB got married and I can't imagine if his DC weren't present.

I have to say his Ex wanting the kids there is much better than the Ex refusing to allow them to go.

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