Blending families

[Gymgirl18]

So my OH and I have been wedding planning for a few years now and have decided to just go abroad, just the two of us to combine our wedding and honeymoon into one short trip. I love my DSC but we just can’t afford to take them with us (prices basically triple during school holidays) and obviously can’t take them out of school, nor would we want to have them miss school.

By going abroad, without any family or friends, we were trying to cut out the whole “offending people by not inviting them” but their Mum says they are really upset that they can’t come and I feel terrible that we’ve excluded them.

We’ll be having a very small reception at home when we get back which they’ll obviously be at. I’ve explained all this to them and told them that we would have loved to have had them at the wedding, but I don’t know what more we can do.

Any suggestions or thoughts on this would be incredibly welcome...

Wow. I'm shocked at some of these comments.
Getting married to someone who has children is completely different to getting married to someone that doesn't. The marriage creates a family, which has a legal standing.
The idea of not including the step children is frankly insulting. I would not be surprised if they do remember and resent it.
I was present at my mother's wedding to my step dad which was in Florida. I think my mum wouldn't of married him if he said to her "Oh I only want a small do so we'll leave your daughter behind and just have her at the reception"
I think there is a big difference between a small do and purposely leaving kids out because you can't afford to have them there.
Maybe I'm just over thinking this but my dsd would be really upset if I left her out of our wedding plans. She's been helping me choose things and showing me things she likes. We went bridesmaid dress shopping and she loved it!

You can't do this if you love those children. If you aren't willing to take him and his children on then don't bother marrying him.

I say this as a grown up step-child not as a step-mum or anyone currently living in a blended family. Adults prioritising themselves never ends well.

It seems a bit mean to exclude them.
We are a blended family of 8, when I agreed to marry DH I wasn't just marrying him I was also making a promise to his 3 children as well. There's no way that they wouldn't have been part of it.
We had no money at all, it was just a registry office and a party at home. We're still waiting for our honeymoon
Our wedding was about us all becoming a proper family and I wanted them all there, just having a reception with them wouldn't have felt the same.

I think that if you want just the two of you then that’s fine!

If you were inviting parents or others then that would be very hurtful, but you just want you two.

But if you are having a reception I’d definitely give the kids a special role.

The idea of not including the step children is frankly insulting.

Why?
I would elope without children present and abroad..it could be romantic..and romance and children don't go together..
If I was to get married to DH now I would 100% leave my son with grandparents and SD at home..100%..I would want it to be about the 2 of us not the children..they get prioritied A LOT in everyday life but my wedding day would not be about them but about us as a couple..

As it stands I had my SD and close family at our wedding and it was nice but we did it in UK not abroad..

Get married how you want to get married.

Get married how you want to.

Sorry, I don’t buy into ‘children are the priority’. Everyone is equal. You should do what you feel is best for you.

And sod how what you want might make your partner’s children feel?

And no doubt spend years blaming the ex wife for any resentment or anger the children may feel towards their dad and new wife.

Marvellous.

Why would they want to be at the legal register signing and honeymoon bit? A lot of you are projecting what you think on to children, who if they are told they are the priority all the time will be miffed not to be there but if you bring them up to be considerate humans and understanding that different people are different priorities at different times, empathetic to other needs as well as kind (this is done by modelling this kind of behaviour) then you'll have no problems and nice kids who can navigate the world.

But if you make things like this an issue, self-sacrifice because you believe kids come first at all times mantra then you're not being honest and kids aren't stupid and will pick this up in a form of insecurity. Kids are people with personalities and a massive potential for learning and understanding.

I was a very overly accommodating child, too much so, always trying to please everyone. With separated parents who never once put my brother or I first, so there was no entitlement from either of us. It always hurt that we weren't included in our dads wedding.

OP, do what makes you happy. Both you and your DP appear to be on the same page and if that is what you both want then go for it. But be prepared for your DC to feel excluded. And wait for that come back and bite you both.

Personally, there is absolutely no way I would get married to someone without our DC there. It is such a big day for not only me (but them also), that I wouldn't dream of excluding them. If money is an issue, all that is needed is a small registry office wedding with the DC and two close friends. Followed by a small family meal. You could do that very easily on a weekday and no school is going to have an issue with children missing school for one or two days if the parents are getting married. Cost you less than 200 quid.

Then head off on honeymoon and recreate the wedding of your dreams.

We had a small registry office wedding (with all the kids)

Then a church blessing, but instead of a marriage blessing, we had a family blessing, so all the (6) kids were included,

Blending a family is hard work and starting off by excluding them is never going to end well.

I can't imagine not having gone to my dads wedding. My step mum was so important to us. She started as she meant to go on.

She's still bloody great after all these years. She's the model for me as a step mum too.

Our kids were key to our wedding. We were only planning on having the 4 of them and two witnesses at our wedding. But 5 weeks before the date my step mum said she really wanted to be there so we were 75 instead! I'm the youngest of 6 DH is the youngest of 5. We are both in our 40s. It cost us 7k€ but we're in France.

Would it not be possible to have a simple ceremony, followed by the reception you were already planning? If it was at the end of a school holiday, you and dh could then go off on honeymoon just the 2 of you?
That way the dcs would be included on the day but you would have a romantic honeymoon in term time so cheaper?

Leaving your joint children at home is fine but step children must be present whether you like it or not is usually the general consensus on here.

Bollocks to that. Its your wedding do what you like!

Oh and also "give up your dreams because what your step kids want is more important every time" probably covers it too

I found out by accident that my dad had got married again. I saw him very regularly at the time and was devastated.
I was 13 and 30 years later I still remember how I felt, I was not important enough to be there for their special day.

Leaving your joint children at home is fine but step children must be present whether you like it or not is usually the general consensus on here

How often have you seen it suggested that joint children shouldn’t attend their parent’s wedding?

Ive seen threads prev where people have gone and got married and left kids with grandparents and nobody's told them they're awful for doing so but when theyre only one person's biological child it's unacceptable. Why is that?

Horrific. Would you leave your own children out? The message from the beginning that you are sending the children is we are a unit and you are add ons. The fact that their father would allow this tells you a lot about how he sees his children and I would not want to have a child with this man. You are doing everything wrong. Just wait for the emotional fall out from this.

Ive seen threads prev where people have gone and got married and left kids with grandparents and nobody's told them they're awful for doing so but when theyre only one person's biological child it's unacceptable.

I have no doubt that some people think that is ok, just as some people on this thread think it's ok to leave out the DSC. But to claim you have seen threads where nobody criticised parents for leaving their joint DCs out is unsubstantiated bollocks.

Would i leave my own children out? Yes! Im marrying their dad not them! If nobody else is going i dont see why children need to be there either.

That's your view and you are of course entitled to it. But I am certain it is not shared by everyone.
And it doesn't do anything to substantiate your sweeping statement above.