DSD mum

[stella80]

Wondered if anyone had any advice or is in a similar position. We are into day 3 of our two weeks with DSD. She’s 12, her Dad split with her Mum when she was 1. Normally we have her every other weekend but in the summer we have the first 2 weeks of the summer hols. DSD does also come and stay with us sometimes on random weekends and other school hols. Last year we went away to Dominican Republic for 10 days. This year we don’t have the money to go away so are staying here. Her Mum has been texting her every day. The first day was to say she wasn’t well and may not be able to take her to a concert on Thursday. The next day it was about decorating her bedroom. Today she’s decided she is too ill to take DSD to the concert on Thursday so her fiancée will instead. DSD is fine, chirpy and happy, the minute her Mum messages her she switches and turns into an emptional wreck. Understandably she’s worried about her Mum. I’d like to point out her mum is at work currently, and while I don’t wish anyone to feel unwell I find it incredible she’s happy to message her daughter knowing she will worry. Am I wrong to think that she should just allow DSD to enjoy her time with us? Obviously if something is really wrong of course we and DSD need to know, but I can’t help but think this is just more her Mum wanting DSD attention than there being any need for the messages?

Tell her to switch her phone off. Mum sounds needy. Is the contact for the daughter or mum?

We are going out tomorrow and her phone is staying at home. The mum flipped last year as for 24 hours when we got to Dominican we couldn’t get WiFi so when DSD put her phone on she had loads of messages from her Mum demanding my OH ‘sort out the WiFi in the hotel’!!
I’m not harsh to think we should just be allowed to enjoy our time without her messaging all the time am I?!

I don’t see a problem.

Her mum is perfectly entitled to text her own daughter on her daughter’s own phone.

Two weeks is a long time without any contact with your child. I would have also seen her texting her she was unwell as warning her she may not make the concert so she is aware in advance and does not get as disappointed.

She said from day one that if she couldn’t go, someone else would take her. Of course she’s more than entitled to text her daughter. My concern is the fact DSD’s mood changes from totally happy to moody and emotional as soon as her Mum messages her. If she doesn’t reply her Mum has been known to reply with ‘don’t you love me anymore?’ It’s emotional blackmail from a parent to a daughter in my opinon.

In the messages in your op though I really don’t see anything wrong with them.

If your dsd does get emotional after then you need to just help your dsd cope better and reassure her that her mum is fine.

If your partner feels the same, then he could also try talking to his ex about dsd getting upset.

We had this when DSD first got a phone. It’s quite frustrating for DH that the limited time he gets to spend with his DD is then taken over by her mum. She’d be absolutely fine then hear from her mum saying do you miss me etc etc and get homesick.
We would reassure her and distract her as much as possible and ask to her leave the phone at home when we went out.

Thank you, I think that’s the sensible option and what we’ll be looking to do moving forward- starting tomorrow when we go shopping!

Can you get her to text her Mum 'Good morning Mum. We're going out today so I won't have my phone on me. Text dad or stella if you need me.'

You can word it to your dsd that you don't want her mum to worry if she doesn't respond but really it stops the blackmail of being accused of ignoring her and not loving her.
If that helps you can look at doing it most days.

Thanks @handsfull13 , that’s a good idea :-)
We are hoping to go camping this weekend and where we go we get no signal at all, which can be lovely, but I don’t want her Mum to panic. We aren’t on great terms but I don’t want anyone to be upset. Maybe a good morning mum text is a good start, and she knows she can reach DSD on her Dad’s number if she actually needs to.

At 12 you want to stop her becoming addicted to the phone. Which happens eventually, we have a 15yo and I can barely get him to put it down to use both a knife and fork at the same time 🤦🏻‍♀️

You can tell her mum you won't be letting her play on it all day so she'll be allowed to check it in the morning and before bed but not having it on her during the day. If she needs her Mum she can always use your phone if out or her phone when home and in an emergency her mum can reach you or your partner.

By telling her mum your plans then she can't get pissy when she can't text all day.
Tell her Mum she won't be taking her phone camping as you don't want her worrying about loosing it.

Giving her warning when the phone won't be around might get tedious but she'll eventually get used to not texting all the time and you won't have to do it anymore.

I also don’t see a problem with her texting her dm and I don’t think you have a right to restrict her just offer her reassurance. DS has had a cheap phone and I certainly would never police when him and his df could communicate.

I remember reading about a case where the family courts did intervene about a case like this (the mother texting the DC’s on their phones constantly when with their father). It was ruled how often she could contact (morning and evening) and no more than that.

My DC have their own devices and my ExH is welcome to contact them whenever he wants to. It’s not intrusive levels however and their moods do not change if they see a message. And he most certainly does not send them a message saying don’t you love me anymore if they don’t reply! That’s horrific and pure emotional blackmail. He’d get an earful from me if he ever did that.

I think everyone’s advice Re leaving her phone at home and letting the Mum know she can contact her when out and about via your Dp’s Phone is spot on.
Do let her know you won’t have signal where you’re going but equally it is your responsibility (before you lose signal) to let her know you’ve arrived safely and that her DD is ok. I’d expect that much. I’d also expect to be able to speak to my DC so depending on how long you’ll be somewhere with no signal, I’d make sure you find some (at least once every 2 days). Mine still call me every night and it’s an uber rushed call but I wouldn’t be ok with not speaking with them at all.

At 12, she should be free to text and receive emails from family members/friends freely.

My concern is the fact DSD’s mood changes from totally happy to moody and emotional as soon as her Mum messages her
Are you concerns about how it affects your DSD or how it affects the dynamic of the family, ie. you? Because it is right to be concerned about how it affect her, but I really can't see how the solution to make her feel better is to tell her that she can't have contact with her mother when she is worried about her. Surely that will only make her feel even more anxious.

What you, or really her dad, should be supporting her in her worry about her mum, not telling her to forget about her. Maybe her mum is indeed quite unwell. How would your OH or you feel if he wasn't well and her mum told her that she wasn't to have contact with him during that time because it impacts on her mood?

I also don't think it is wrong to text her to warn her that she won't be able to go to the concert with her but that someone else will. What are you suggesting, that she finds that out an hour before the concert?

I think it is ok to suggest leaving her phone home for a short period to start with and see what her response is. If she agrees, then great. If she starts to defend it, say that she doesn't want to be without it and want to be sure her mum can contact her, than I think you need to let it go and get her to talk about her worries, or she will only become more anxious, and then blame you.

Thanks all for the feedback. Just to clarify a few things- my main concern is that DSD goes from a carefree and happy girl to a moody emotional wreck. Her Dad and me can bring her round, it’s certainly not an ‘inconvenience’ if that’s what some are implying. It’s more that the messages are unnecessary and therefore making DSD unnecessarily upset. I understanding pre- emptying she may not be able to take her to the concert, but she’s not ill- she’s still working, hasn’t even been to a doctor and was out on an all day the next day.
To those who feel her mum should be able to message her at any time, that’s fine, but she lives with her most of the time- can’t we have a bit of time with her without her Mum dictating everything?
We will definitely warn her we won’t have signal before we go camping. We are only away for 2 nights so I’ll make sure DSD texts her mum before we lose range, and if we do pick up signal I’ll make sure we let her Mum know all is ok. Thanks everyone🙂

We had sonething similar too at one point..SDs mother would text her constantly when she was with us and SD was getting upset by it..she couldn't even watch tv in peace..if SD didn't reply her mother would show up at ours unannounced to pick her up earlier etc.
All of this was annoying and dissruptive to us but much more of an issue for SD as she couldn't relax at all..

We didn't solve it per say as SDs mother could not be reasoned with. SD ended up moving in with us as has a very limited contact with her mother now but she was old enough to make those decisions.

You have my symathy OP. Those saying she is her mother and can text whenever likely have no idea what some women can do to disrupt their childrens time with their father and how conflicted the children feel as a result.. They also assume the mother in this scenario is a reasonable person and couldn't possibly by manipulative and insecure and text to make her child unsettled.. They are wrong..

It’s more that the messages are unnecessary and therefore making DSD unnecessarily upset
The problem is that it is your own judgement that concludes that they are uncessary and that is subjective. You are implying that she can't be ill because she's working. That's very judgmental. Many people work whilst unwell. She is clearly too unwell to take her daughter to what is a fun event, so if anything, I would think that is evidence that she is indeed unwell.

I do agree that as a parent, you shouldn't upload all your issues onto your children, but different parents will have different thresholds as to what is acceptable and what isn't.

can’t we have a bit of time with her without her Mum dictating everything?
You say that it's not about you as a family, but this implies the opposite. What can make being a child of separate parents very difficult is the expectation put on one or both parents that they should ignore their other lives when with them. As a child, your life is what you experience with both parents at all time, and you can switch off one when it suits one parent and switch back on when their time with that parent is over.

In the end, the only thing that matters is how anxious your DSD is likely to be if she can't be in contact with her mum. Nothing wrong at all going camping and accepting there is no signal, but if DSD gets distressed, then it would be fair to try to find somewhere she could send her mum a quick text or call.

Oh and teenagers can become very skilled at not responding to texts/calls when it suits them and parents get used to it... My DD wasn't too bad, but DS sees his phone as a tool to use when it suits him, not one that I provide so that I can be reassured of his whereabouts! I now don't text him/call unless I really am getting worried.

If DSD gets fed up with all the contact from her mum, I'm sure she'll do the same!

I think you're not objective about her mood and its leading you into making assumptions that may not be there.

At 12 she should be free to text her mum whenever she likes. Can you imagine the hell on this board if an ex wife stopped a father texting?

I very much doubt a court would intervene either as I've just been through this. Just leave her to it

To the poster who said "if it was a man"...

I can imagine responses to:

My exh constantly texts DSD when she's with us saying things like "don't you love me anymore?" If she doesn't reply quickly enough. DSD finds it really upsetting.

People would quite rightly accuse him of being emotionally abusive and say she needs protecting from it.

I do think some people find it hard to imagine a step kids mum might actually not be a nice person.

Anyway, OP I think advice to allow a morning/evening call/text is fair. Maybe your DH can let his ex know this will be happening and it's because DSD gets upset by the constant texting.

Pre mobile phones when my children were staying with their dad, I would never have thought of contacting them, SDs mum is being over the top contacting everyday. She is the one with a problem and needs to be spoken to by SDs dad.

Hi @stella80 - I had something very similar with my dd (who's now 12) & her dad. He bought her a fairly basic smart phone when she was about 9 so he could contact her (was totally unnecessary as he sees her every few days & could contact her on her older brother's phone if he wishes). I didn't want her having a smart phone at that age but obviously couldn't stop him. I said to both him & dd that in my house the rule was she could have it in the morning & evening for a bit & during the day some weekends, depending on what we were doing. She was fine with this but would go to the phone every evening to find a string of txts telling her how much he missed her, how exhausted he was from work etc - nothing positive or about her in the txts - all about him. This would really upset her & she'd start feeling guilty that "daddy has such a hard life" & would then behave like a little wife trying to mind him.
Having been married to the man I could see the pattern. It's emotional abuse plain & simple. I never criticized his contacting her but I would gently point out to her that she didn't have to feel bad or mind daddy (or me) & that we were grown adults capable of minding ourselves & that it's our job to mind her, the child. She needed someone to say this to her as it gave her permission to not feel responsible for him. Once she stopped jumping up to immediately respond to his txts the intensity of txting petered out over time.
She's now 12 & getting quite grown up & he's bought her an iPhone & went back to txting her non stop. We went on holidays (me & my 3) a week after he got her the iPhone. He totally invaded our holiday with txting, phone calls, FaceTiming & videos of her baby brothers being told (could hear the prompts in the background) to tell her they missed her & wanted her to come home!!! I kept my mouth shut but could see she was getting upset. 3 days in she got fed up with him & off her own initiative turned the phone off for long periods of time! Since then, from my observations & subtle inquiries she now responds when she feels like it/it suits her & ignores txts that don't revolve around her - very teenage & much healthier imo. It's like she self regulates & engages much less when he's putting her under pressure to feel guilty that she's not with him. I think with maturity she's now seeing certain behaviours as intrusive & so steps back.
I don't think you should restrict access to her mum as that's not fair (unless it's a household rule about mobile phones & as such should be explained to the mum), but you can reassure her that mum is the adult & she is the kid & that mum is fine & will be fine & my guess is that as she gets older & sees you guys contacting her in one way & her mum contacting her in another that she'll moderate contact herself.
Good luck.
It's not easy.

@magda72 just wanted to say thanks. It was really good to hear your perspective. Although we’ve been together 4 years it still feels new to me in a lot of ways. My OH and his ex were very young when they had DSD and don’t get along at all. That’s the and I wasn’t there so refuse to judge, but it’s still hard to know what’s right. DSD is fiercely defensive when it comes to her Mum, I have never, or will never speak ill of her mum in front of DSD, but I just want us to be able to enjoy family time when we have the opportunity.
Your daughter certainly sounds like she has a sensible way of dealing with the messages! (And the holiday stuff- OMG, that’s terrible)