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Original poster

Houses and logistics (long ish)

59 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 08:29

I've posted a few times as were going through some life changes at the mo. My baby is now two weeks old. We need to move to accomadate all the children our DS and the three DSC.
We were supossed to be moving a long way away for my work but I've managed to secure something more local when I was heavily pregnant which will allow us to stay local. It isn't ideal for me but was important to dp(despite him saying originally we would move).
I'm finding the house as dp has no way of doing so due to no savings and self employed - house will be in my sole name with appropriate legal protection for me should we split ( I have a solicitor). We need a large house to accomadate the DC. So not house I would want for myself really but it's what we need.
I'm starting to resent his presumptions regarding the move. His children live 13 miles from us as his ex moved away, they were 3miles away before she moved. We have them 50%. He wants us to move to same area as ex despite this being less covient for me n more expensive plus further from my family support. He has told children and his ex about the house hunt too, IE in same area despite us not agreeing this. He also seemed confused about my room allocations - the biggest room his two ds will share and they are happy to do so. Next biggest our son will have as he is resident with us. Smallest room will be for his dd.
When we were house viewing his said oh I'm sure she will be ok with it but seemed surprised as wanted her to have second biggest- I was annoyed as , 1) she dosnt get a say as long as she has a suitable room and 2) why would he have assumed our son who loves with us full time wouldn't need a bigger room as he will have all of his stuff. These sort of issues need ironing out really as I can't see them causing longer term arguments.
I'm probably very hormonal as two weeks post birth but I'm starting to feel like a cash cow rather than having my opinions valued equally.
Has anyone joint bought and how did everything get agreed regarding housing and room allocations?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 20/07/2018 08:32

Does a baby really need the second biggest bedroom? It doesn’t seem right to just be buying in you’re own name (surely he should be putting 50% of the costs towards the house otherwise it will never feel like his home either) it doesn’t come across very well like you’re a team tbh op. How long you been together? Was the baby a surprise?

ZenNudist · 20/07/2018 08:39

I think your situation sounds pretty doomed. Now is the time to be in agreement on things, once your baby is here you will be more worn down and disagree more.

I dont understand. He cant provide a home for his dc so you are funding it. Then he isnt even willing to compromise with you. This doesn't sound like a healthy equal partnership. I bet you are a real help with his dc. How helpful will he be with the baby.??
Also self employed doesnt mean cant get a mortgage

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 08:44

He cant due to finances , it's impossible and he can't get a morgage due to him being self employed we have checked. So therefore it falls on me. Baby no but when he's older yes and easier than moving rooms and causing arguments with the other children ( plus babies seem to have more stuff!). We can't stay where we are as it's a two bed house and far to small even before ds was born.
I've known him for 17 years as we were friends since we were kids. He divorced five years ago and I divorced just over three. Our relationship escalated from friendship after that as we talked more often. We have been together two years now. Baby is much much loved but the timing wasn't ideal!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 08:46

Baby is already here - he's two weeks old and dp is great. He was a sahd to his three previously and has been very helpful with practical things like baths and nappies.
Dp will be childcare when I go back to work three days a week along with my mom - hence need to be near family.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 20/07/2018 09:15

I’m in a similar situation to you financially.

My OH’s EW is still in the former marital home (which by court order will be sold in 2 years). All his ‘deposit’ / equity is in that. He can’t get a mortgage as he’s on the mortgage on the FMH (as the EW can’t get a mortgage on her own).

So I paid the deposit for our new home (much bigger than I’d need if I were on my own / it was just the 2 of us). And it’s meant i’ve gone from a 15 min drive to work to a 75 min drive to work (so we are as close as we can be to his 2 kids).

My deposit is legally ringfenced (he has no claim on it). We pay the mortgage 50:50

He shouldn’t be discussing your living arrangements with the EW. You need to agree between you the allocation of rooms. Just because you’ve financed it, doesn’t mean you get the final say, you need to be a partnership.

Fishface77 · 20/07/2018 09:19

Wouldn’t move in with him and certainly wouldn’t allow him to become main carer for your child.

user1487168313 · 20/07/2018 09:35

I think the first serious conversation will be the area: affordability, future school for the your baby and possible future plans for his children and etc. I can see both sides making some compromises but you have to agree on that first!

Personally I would prefer your baby to have the second biggest room as he resides with you full time. But hey, no point arguing about this at this moment as you haven't found a house yet, right? Maybe you find a house with 2nd and 3rd bedroom almost the same size :)

laloup1 · 20/07/2018 09:38

Hello
Congrats on your new baby!! And it’s good to know your partner is a hands-on dad!
I really understand your feelings of being the one making all the compromises. It’s really tough. I may well have had a mini meltdown on this very topic last weekend
The house - good for you for making the family home happen and also protecting your investment in it.
The rooms - I see your point. I think you are being fair.
The location - this one is tough. Is one upside the convenience you will gain from taxi-ing children to and from activities and school stuff. If you search on here you’ll find lots of posts from people frustrated at spending so much time in their car taking children places.
Obviously their mother could move again so it’s crazy to base location simply on her address.
Finally I secured a mortgage when self employed. It’s very possible via a broker if he has two years of accounts.

Harpingon · 20/07/2018 10:14

He needs to get a full time job and pay his way. Is he even paying maintenance? He has 4 children to support and should be paying towards the mortgage / bills.

funinthesun18 · 20/07/2018 10:20

Does a baby really need the second biggest bedroom?

Babies grow in to children.

Better to allocate permanent rooms now rather than changing it all around later on.

Dontgiveashinyshit · 20/07/2018 10:27

If it's true 50/50 no maintenance would be payable.

I have my own DD (50/50 shared care with her dad & a DS with my DH. We're moving shortly & there is no question that my DD would be in the smaller room as she is only there 50% of the time. It wouldn't be fair to have to move the children around later on (bound to cause resentment!)

Regarding where to move to logistically it has to be as fair as it can be taking into account work, childcare etc.

IMO he's having all the say without the finance of it Hmm

Harpingon · 20/07/2018 10:31

Did I miss the bit where it said contact is 50/50 or was that a previous thread?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 10:32

Harpingon- yes he pays 200% more than the CMS calculation and he gave family home to ex so children would have somewhere to live. Hence the financial issues. He also pays swimming lessons, half school trips, hobbies and uniform plus does 800 miles a month as she moved away but refuses to do any drop offs and pick ups. Another reason I'm nervous about living too close as I'm worried she will use us as free childcare.
He needs to pay less maintenance really ( obv more than the 7 per week it should be as that's a silly amount) as we have them 50% IE 13-17 days per month depending on the month. The current levels are not sustainable and are a point of contention as I feel paying for a home for the children IE where we will be living is maintaining them.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/07/2018 10:47

I wouldn’t move 3 miles from his family. I do think some distance helps with boundaries, and 13 miles means that it will be ‘cleaner’. I personally don’t like 50/50 I think this only works if there is a lot of harmony, if Ex and DP have good boundaries and sensible parenting. IMHO this is rarely the case, and it is a denial that there is a split and for the parents benefit more than the kids.

If I were you I’d take my time over this. It’s important that you both have an investment in the new house. If 50/50, then sorry your DP needs to provide for his kids and yours to get a bedroom each, that’s what he has signed up for, that means paying more mortgage if necessary these step kids are his responsibility. Get all this worked out first, maybe even with a counsellor. If he’s stalling for a long time, please reconsider your relationship. He can’t ‘have it all’ but at your expense.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/07/2018 10:54

Wow......

OP what is he contributing towards your and your DSs lifes? Nappies and baths are all great but there is no way I would be buying a house for him and his 3 children in your situation..and NO WAY close to the ex a farther from your support network...sounds like a very uneven arrangement with the ex...and sounds like you are facilitating if for him..

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/07/2018 10:56

Just read your last post. He’s overtstretched himself massively with his first wife and family however he’s understretching with you!

That is so like my situation and it was horrible and broke us up eventually.

It’s a horrible position to put you in, to have to claw and fight for a fair and equal relationship and family life. I did this, fought for what worked and all it did was drain the life out if me. I was also living around the corner from his Ex, we had roughly 70% of DSDs (one full time) yet he paid maintenance and because we were so near Ex would just send them around or ‘suggest’ they visited as teens so it was more like 90% and as DP worked it fell on me. I was scapegoated as I was the one complaining.

Honestly if I were you I’d break up now and then go to counseling to see if you could reconcile with a workable and fair.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/07/2018 11:15

200%!!!!!!

Does he have much left over?

Be very careful here. It sounds like a very messy situation

If I was you I would not actually move in with him. Let him rent somewhere and he can pay for that by reducing his maintenance

Keeptrudging · 20/07/2018 11:24

If he's paying double the CMS, and that's £7 (If I'm reading your post right, where you say that's a silly amount), is he paying £14? Is he planning on being a SAHD again, while you fund the house?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 11:28

200% is cause the maintenance should only be 7 quid a month based on income and fact we have them 50% and he has a new child.
He won't discuss maintenance and in a way it's a good trait to provide for the kids and be loyal to them.
Tbh I'm toying with idea of buying near my mom . Smaller house and do an extension as far more affordable and means I have lots of support plus a much smaller morgage. Although I'm aware that may seem selfish!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 11:29

Where did you get double maintenance from? he pays over a third his salery so hundreds of pounds a month.
It might be my maths as I'm sleep deprived!

OP posts:
TooSassy · 20/07/2018 12:24

OP. I categorically would not do what you are considering. I think your DP is taking the proverbial.
I would not move closer to his ex.and further away from my job/ family.
I would not be buying a vastly larger property than I needed (unless he too was contributing financially)
I would be incensed at his sharing these private plans with his EW. Why? What was his motive? Completely unboundaried.

OP I have alarm bells ringing for you. Either your DP is a clueless dreamer or he is incredibly self involved. You’re going to stump up a lot of money in a big house and he will be primary carer to your DC and you’ll be further away from your family?

Not a chance OP.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 20/07/2018 12:29

Toosassy- what's the choice though? I'd buy a smaller house but then where do children go?

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 20/07/2018 12:29

Tbh I'm toying with idea of buying near my mom . Smaller house and do an extension as far more affordable and means I have lots of support plus a much smaller morgage. Although I'm aware that may seem selfish!

Not selfish. Good thinking on your part. If you are paying you need to prioritise your own child and yourself as sounds like your DP prioritises his first 3kids and the ex..

Harpingon · 20/07/2018 12:32

I would buy a house that you like in an area that you want to live in as it looks unlikely that he will step up. If he was willing to move hundreds of miles away from his children I don't think he is the greatest dad either.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/07/2018 12:32

Toosassy- what's the choice though? I'd buy a smaller house but then where do children go?

Thing is OP they are HIS children. He needs to come up with a solution that doesn't strain YOU financially...where are you living now? Whose house is it? Where would he and his children go if you split up?