Houses and logistics (long ish)

[Spanglyprincess1]

I've posted a few times as were going through some life changes at the mo. My baby is now two weeks old. We need to move to accomadate all the children our DS and the three DSC.
We were supossed to be moving a long way away for my work but I've managed to secure something more local when I was heavily pregnant which will allow us to stay local. It isn't ideal for me but was important to dp(despite him saying originally we would move).
I'm finding the house as dp has no way of doing so due to no savings and self employed - house will be in my sole name with appropriate legal protection for me should we split ( I have a solicitor). We need a large house to accomadate the DC. So not house I would want for myself really but it's what we need.
I'm starting to resent his presumptions regarding the move. His children live 13 miles from us as his ex moved away, they were 3miles away before she moved. We have them 50%. He wants us to move to same area as ex despite this being less covient for me n more expensive plus further from my family support. He has told children and his ex about the house hunt too, IE in same area despite us not agreeing this. He also seemed confused about my room allocations - the biggest room his two ds will share and they are happy to do so. Next biggest our son will have as he is resident with us. Smallest room will be for his dd.
When we were house viewing his said oh I'm sure she will be ok with it but seemed surprised as wanted her to have second biggest- I was annoyed as , 1) she dosnt get a say as long as she has a suitable room and 2) why would he have assumed our son who loves with us full time wouldn't need a bigger room as he will have all of his stuff. These sort of issues need ironing out really as I can't see them causing longer term arguments.
I'm probably very hormonal as two weeks post birth but I'm starting to feel like a cash cow rather than having my opinions valued equally.
Has anyone joint bought and how did everything get agreed regarding housing and room allocations?

But that's exactly what happens Fishface. There are regular posts from SMs who come in the relationship with her own children already, then have a child with their partner resulting in needing to move to a bigger house financed solely by the partner. No one tell these posters that they should go to work to support their kids, all posts are how now that they have a child together , they are a family and should be treated as such, therefore if the agreement is that the mum stays at home, the partner has to work to support ALL the children. Why is it any different here except that in this case, it was the man who was the stay at home parent and it's been agreed that he would continue to do so. At least he does do some work over the week-end, so he is contributing something in addition to I expect doing much of the housework.

The double standard on this forum by which so many women still seem to thing that it should be the norm for men to support women financially regardless of the situation but that men being supported by women can only be looser is staggering. So much for equality of rights, it's certainly seems very one directional!

then have a child with their partner resulting in needing to move to a bigger house financed solely by the partner.

Really???? In my experience women more than pay their ways and it's very often men taking the advantage...

However maybe the fact that it's usually women losing out on job opportunities when they have children makes them earn less in general and men end up being higher earners and contributing more..womens careers suffer MUCH more as a result of having kids..

Anyway taking on a partner with 3 children is a HUGE commitment as is HAVING 3 children.
If you decide to have that many you should be in a position to support them..is doesn't matter if you are a women or a men..presumably OPs partenr and his ex -childrens mother- were in a position to support that many or they wouldn't have them..THEY should continue to do so(+ OPs partener has 4 now so some extra is needed) and OP should concentrate on her own child..

Op your child will lose out if your earnings are going to go towards his 3..it's just too much!!

However maybe the fact that it's usually women losing out on job opportunities when they have children makes them earn less in general and men end up being higher earners and contributing more..womens careers suffer MUCH more as a result of having kids..

By this statement you are supporting the point I'm making! In the case of this thread, it is the man who lost on job opportunities by being a SAHD whilst his first wife went and earned a good income. So why when it's the woman, they are deemed to be the victims, yet when it's the man, they are called cock lodgers?

I agree that taking on three children, you are making a huge commitment, but OP is not exceptional in that way, many men start relationships with women of three children. Are you saying that most of their mothers are capable of supporting their children fully by themselves without relying on benefits?

OP should concentrate on her own child
Well next time a SM comes and complain that their new partner only focuses on their joint children and doesn't treat her own children the same (as it is commonly the case), I'll remind them that your advice is that their partner is doing the right thing by focusing on his child only and that she should be supporting her other children on her own.

Pity that tax credits and maintenance don't take that same approach though and still think that SC living with the nrp should be taken into account because they are expected to be supporting them financially too...

Maybe this should be a warning, NEVER be a SAHP

God ,reading this post sent chills down my spine.ive enough friends in similar situations,this won't work..well it will work perfectly for him and his kids ....but what about you and your baby? ...the time is not right to move in together..he's taking you for a ride ,a very expensive ride..do yourself and your child a favour.buy a small 2 bed near your mums...let him rent what he needs for him and his kids....I bet you anything he doesn't fuss about room sizes when he's providing the rent...allow him to stay over when he hasn't got the kids....when he sorts himself out and can contribute to a mortgage equally,that's the time to move in with him...but him firmly back in boyfriend category,not partner.you have enough with the baby....don't let him be a stay at home dad for your baby whatever you do...sort out your childcare ,so he's forced to get a job to pay for his 4 kids.....come on op open your eyes 💐

Swing

Pity that tax credits and maintenance don't take that same approach though and still think that SC living with the nrp should be taken into account because they are expected to be supporting them financially too..

I'm not that familiar with tax credits but only actual PARENT has parental responsibility for a child. Unless OP ADOPTS her step children and becoms their MOTHER it's not up to her to provide home for them. She may do it if she loves their father enough but by no means is it her duty or even moral obligation.

Are you saying that most of their mothers are capable of supporting their children fully by themselves without relying on benefits?

Agan I don't think bringing benefits into it makes much sense..Surely most people don't want to be on them and want support their children themselves? And yes..I'm saying that a mother of 3 should be able to support them together with their father without relaying on benefits.
In OPs case he pays maintanace but if he was SAHD his ex would be a higher earner? He should have his children full time in ex marital home and his ex should be paying him maintanace..or is the double standard only applying towards step mothers not ex wifes??

Just to update ...we have found a house fingers crossed the offer gets accepted. It's a compromise house and I've fallen in love with it and it's my style house. It's not ideal in some ways mainly for the dsc but affordable and with excellent schools for my ds . The compromise is we will have to convert the study downstairs into a bedroom for dsd as it's technically only three beds. But there are two reception rooms,so it should be a non issue as all the children will still have own rooms.
I'm feeling generally a lot happier as it's somewhere I can see myself settling longer term.
We are going to get finances in writing and discuss logistics in detail, but fingers crossed everything is working out

Excellent news. I'm glad you didn't compromise on the important parts.
How is the distance? Same area as before or did you meet in the middle there too?
I think you've handled this like a pro.
Hope your dp is more supportive of you in the future.

In a village in between, closer to his children but nearer to trains etc for my work. Still 25 min from my mom but I'm a lot happier