Houses and logistics (long ish)

[Spanglyprincess1]

I've posted a few times as were going through some life changes at the mo. My baby is now two weeks old. We need to move to accomadate all the children our DS and the three DSC.
We were supossed to be moving a long way away for my work but I've managed to secure something more local when I was heavily pregnant which will allow us to stay local. It isn't ideal for me but was important to dp(despite him saying originally we would move).
I'm finding the house as dp has no way of doing so due to no savings and self employed - house will be in my sole name with appropriate legal protection for me should we split ( I have a solicitor). We need a large house to accomadate the DC. So not house I would want for myself really but it's what we need.
I'm starting to resent his presumptions regarding the move. His children live 13 miles from us as his ex moved away, they were 3miles away before she moved. We have them 50%. He wants us to move to same area as ex despite this being less covient for me n more expensive plus further from my family support. He has told children and his ex about the house hunt too, IE in same area despite us not agreeing this. He also seemed confused about my room allocations - the biggest room his two ds will share and they are happy to do so. Next biggest our son will have as he is resident with us. Smallest room will be for his dd.
When we were house viewing his said oh I'm sure she will be ok with it but seemed surprised as wanted her to have second biggest- I was annoyed as , 1) she dosnt get a say as long as she has a suitable room and 2) why would he have assumed our son who loves with us full time wouldn't need a bigger room as he will have all of his stuff. These sort of issues need ironing out really as I can't see them causing longer term arguments.
I'm probably very hormonal as two weeks post birth but I'm starting to feel like a cash cow rather than having my opinions valued equally.
Has anyone joint bought and how did everything get agreed regarding housing and room allocations?

Op

It is a bit late in the day to worry about this. Three kids is a huge commitment especially when they aren’t your own

Buy a small place for you and let him rent somewhere. Then we he has the kids he can stay there meaning you don’t have to be an unpaid slave to the laundry etc

Buy near your mom, you should have family support nearby. Plus it will cost less.

I was trying to work out if i just think your situation is unfair because you are female but if tge genders were reversed it woukd be as bad. If this were my son and he were paying to house another mans family id be worried.

I think you could look at childcare options so you both work and your dp could contribute more. Can see you wouldn't want that for your ds but thats the problem with having more kids with a man who cant afford it.

I am still really confused about how your dh has been supporting his 3 dc until now. Surely he can keep up that contribution and you dont have to pay for everything?

Op. I am deeply sorry to sound callous but his kids are NOT your responsibility. Listen if you are uber rich and this doesn’t strain you financially go for it. I’m guessing that isn’t the case (even though obviously you are solvent enough to make this purchase on your own and FairPlay to you.

But if he wants to provide for his children then he needs to step up financially himself. This burden cannot fall to you. It’s awful that he expects this from you and has evidently placed such expectation on you. I’m genuinely worried for you OP, this isn’t ok.

My belief is that after medium to longer period of time with a child together, that he will have rights. If he is primary carer and you are the main earner, buying this big property and thinking it’s all in your name and you’ll be protected is not that black and white. If you separate he (a) has grounds to have primary residency of the child and (b) as such will need to be provided for financially. Someone with more info may correct me but it’s what I was told by a lawyer.

My advice? Buy your place nearer your mum. Run it yourself. If he wants to be beat his ex then he rents a 2 bed place near to her and makes it work. His finances and his 3 kids are not for you to solve for.

*near his ex. Sorry typing too quick.

Nb. To reiterate the PP this isn’t a gender thing. I get worried in any situation where I see one person completely stumping up financially and the other not. It’s not a healthy balance and both partners in this situation need to contribute to both finances and childcare.

Look after yourself OP. He’s not putting you first at all.

We'd be 50:50 primary as I'd do p/t hours and so would he, though self employed.
I'm cautious about the financial consequences also

I am in a similar situation, but it would have been impossible to move closer to my partners ex as she moved over 100 miles away a few years back and our families, jobs and lives are where we are now so the option of moving was out of the question.

I also have a 6wo daughter with my partner who also has a larger room in our house than his DsD (she’s not in it yet will be at 6 months) she has the larger room due to our daughter being with us 100% of the time and OMG how much stuff do baby’s come with!!??

I agree whole heartily that you’re right in saying your son should have the larger room as he will be with you the majority of the time, and it’s just the principle of it you’re paying for that house so you should get the say!

It does sound like you’re having to compromise an awful lot to help your DP out. When it does come to the mortgage and buying a house have you been to see a mortgage adviser? My sister is on a fixed term contract with her job and she struggled with a standard mortgage however her mortgage adviser was able to find something that suited her. It may be worth a look? That way if it possible it does not fall on your shoulders?

I know many dads would fall over themselves and go to the ends of the earth for their kids, however sometimes they do this without thinking about the implications it has on their current partner. For example I asked my partner to take the day off work in order to come with me to LO’s 8week appointment, I will admit I’m a massive wimp and I’m dreading seeing the LO in pain after she gets stuck with the needles :-(. However his ex has asked him to have his daughter an extra week which he has agreed to, however it now means that he can’t go to little ones doctors appointment, as he will have used up all his holidays. Although I don’t mind because it’s lovely having DSD here longer due to them living so far away it does mean that I’m doing the lions share of the work for our daughter including doctors appointments. I also asked my mum to come with me to the appointment so it’s not a problem.

Also bare in mind if you move away from your support network it will be a lot harder for them to help with your little one.

I think you should write down a list of what you’re worried about and give it to your OH, that way you can talk it through and see if you can come to a solution?

Blimey. Very complicated.
You sound like you are being reasonable but your DP is unrealistic. There are compromises to be made, but not all by you or financed by you.
You really need to get him to see that he can't have friendly chats with ex and kids about location/rooms until you and he have agreed.
3 miles away may have been more convenient, but 13 is hardly the other side of the moon. The fact that where you are is already a compromise for you and better suits the needs of the other children in this equation shouldn't be taken lightly.
However, as you are only 2 weeks post partum, I'd concentrate on yourself and your new baby for the next couple of weeks first.

I am deeply sorry to sound callous but his kids are NOT your responsibility
Isn't this a case of double standard? There have been many SMs with children from previous relationship, who then have a child with their new partner and remain, or become SAHM with their partner supporting them AND their kids from a previous relationship and nobody bits an eyelid.

This man happens to have always taken the role of the main carer. His first wife worked whilst he cared for the children and it seems that the intention is for him to continue to do so FT at least for his youngest. Is this only allowed by women?

Of course OP doesn't have to agree to this arrangement, as no SFs would have to in other circumstances, but as others have said, it might be a bit too late to change what seems to have been a joint agreement.

I agree that it makes no sense for a baby to have a room larger than an older child when they have no notion whatsoever of space. I do agree though that you shouldn't move where the ex has moved if it is going to be more expensive and more trouble for you. If he is going to be a SAHD, then he can do the travelling to school and back the weeks they are with him.

swing not at all. I personally wouldn’t advise that anyone nowadays enters into an arrangement of one party takes care of all finances and the other party takes care of childcare. Too many people (a lot of my male friends actually) have been completely screwed by this set up as they fight to see their children more than once a fortnight/ midweek.

Divorce rates are climbing. People will live longer than ever before. Finance and childcare should have some split. And that’s advice I would give (and do give) to anyone - male or female.

I would also always advise anyone against taking on such a huge financial burden. This OP does not need such a big house. Does not want to move further away. Will be further from her family.

Its not my life but there’s zero chance I’d compromise so much for my DP and his DC. Plus I’m uber weirded out that this person has already been telling th me EW his plans???? How much of this is about him and the OP vs. Making sure his EW knows he is buying a shiny new big house with his baby and partner? Alarm bells

Maybe not you TooSassy, but many SMs here. How many go back to work before their latest child starts school even though they have older children?

Personally, I agree with you and indeed, women in family have always been in work and never taken more than a few months maternity leave but that's not the general position. Yet it seems to be ok for men to support all the children of their partner, but clearly not the other way around.

Thank you everyone. We had a talk about how annoyed I was - more of a shouting from me as I am sleep broken ( not normal behaviour). So I think he gets it now ref discussing with ex/kids.
Im viewing some local to my mom houses to weigh up pros and cons. We also discussed my dp selling some assets - he cant due to nature until next summer - and using cash to contribute to the house eg a lump sum (provided I can get a morgage that allows overpayment). This has left me feeling a bit more comfortable than I was feeling. I would then write into ring fencing my deposits and equity and his share. I think this will make the house feel more of a joint home.
I have no issue paying more I he is a sahd as it will save us 600 a month in childcare which we couldn't afford. Us sharing childcare and reducing costs makes sense, as he earns much less it makes sense to do it this way round.
Thank you to everyone for the advice - it's helped clarify my concerns and benefits/risks.

Dear OP, you are a a very decent human being to try and accommodate his interests and his children interests sometimes sacrificing your own. Well done for using a lawyer! What would you recommend someone close to you if they were in your shoes? Maybe it would be worth considering postponing buying a house until you have a better clarity of the situation.. If you do sacrifice your own interests and your own biological child's interest for the sake of your other half how it is going to impact your relationship? Especially given you are the main breadwinner and the one paying for the house

Op, how old are his children? He does have a responsibility to them and he must look for solutions that work for them as there are 3 dc so their needs are higher.

The only way this will work if you both find a solution for houses that is fair for his dc and your new baby. 13 or 3 miles isn't too unreasonable and he has to suck up the travel.

He has got 4 dc and that will not change. His dc being older are likely to need more space especially the dd if she lives there 50% of the time.

10,8,nearly 7 and our joint child is two weeks

Hopeful06 - I hope by protecting the financials I'm protecting my child's interests. I'm not willing to compromise on schooling either. Wherever we buy I will be thoroughly vetting the schools - to the point that his ex already said she would register kids as living with us if moved close to get them into the better school when he mentioned the area (bit cheeky but I do get it I guess).
I'm hoping that by doing the above I am protecting my son. Also I think it's super important he has a good relationship with his siblings. They are great children and are lovely with him - it's important to me that they have family ties with each other while they are young as the teenager years will be tough and then they should get closer later on as adults.

Dear lord ... sounds stressful... I take my hat off to you!

I don't think I would buy .. cant you rent?

He’s a complex cock lodger. Don’t be a fool. Protect your assets for your children.

He’s a complex cock lodger
Why because he's a SAHM dad with OP's approval. I'll remember this next time a SM post to moan about the amount her partner has to pay in CM when he already has the responsibility of financially supporting his new partner and child AND partner's children from another relationship.

I dare think what the response would be if anyone used that description to refer to them.

Hes a good dad and finaically supports his kids.
It makes life easier and more manageable for us to work childcare 50:50. Lots of couples have one partner who earns significantly less than the other - usually with kids it's the woman but in this case it's the man. That dosnt bother me , what bothers me is the logistics and affordable a much higher morgage due to risks

Good on you OP and indeed you are right to consider the logistics and affordability of a bigger mortgage.

What I'm a bit confused is that you've referred to your OH as both supporting his kids and doing some work, but being a SAHD and you working and earning more, although you say you'd be working only 3 days. Does this mean that he does draw some income from his self-employment and that despite only working 3 days, you are managing to earn more? All together, it doesn't sound like a lot of working hours to support 4 kids.

Compressed hours 30 in three days and he works weekends.
I've worked hard n saved, I have chosen not to have a family till I was stable financially. Which means I'm in the position I am in but the man I chose has more commitment s n didn't make the same choices

I'd buy a smaller house but then where do children go?

So without you he can't accomodate his kids while they're with him?

What happens if you split up?

I wouldn't like this set up.. and I think your son having the second biggest room is fine.

Just protect yourself every which way.

but the man I chose has more commitment s n didn't make the same choices

Tbf to him...I think his family break up has left him in this position..so not 100% his fault ... but it's one of the issues that can present with second families.

Well, swing of things, same would go if a woman expected her partner to buy a bigger house to accommodate her kids but couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t contribute as much financially.
And self employed is fine but if he’s SAHD how will he still work?
Op is right to be financially stable before having kids so why allow someone who didn’t take steps to enable them to house/support their kids fully to jeopardise what her kids have?
So he does seem to be a complex cock lodger, making demands of op about where they will move to and discussing it with ex, especially when presently he doesn’t seem to be contributing much at all.