Holidays

[Crossroads18]

What would you do I feel torn? We are going away May as a holidauball paid for by my parents me, my partner and two boys. I had said I would go on my own so he doesn't feel like he is leaving his kids out be he has insisted on coming. We couldn't afford to add them on, passports etc.

My partner wants to go away for Christmas next year either Butlins (if we could have the girls) or Disneyland Paris if we don't. I know the ex is going to say no as it is Christmas Day. I have suggested to him we look at it for other dates instead when she likely to say yes but his argument is he wants to go at Christmas and doesn't want the boys missing out on experiences just because the girls may not be allowed. Thing is if we go at Christmas we wouldn't be able to afford to do another holiday for the girls to come on a different date. Plus get the time of from our jobs etc. What would you do or suggest to him. He's adamant as he is working and paying for it if he wants to go then we will but I just feel torn. I am doing my best to be better step mum. I have just been to both their sports days and school fairs even though it's cost us a fortune with them living 2 hours away so it's been extra ontop of our contact.

But then I have just offered to buy her presents from us and go our and source them, he's just said no because he reckons I'll try to buy them cheaper and spend less than our budget for them.
I am actually really trying here they were awful when we lasted visited for tantrums and crying and screaming as she couldn't get what she wanted yet I have rose above jr and still feel he isn't trying enough?

All your posts are indicating that your OH cares much more about your boys than his daughters, as a matter of fact, it looks like he is only seeing them because of everyone pressurising him to do so.

His arguments are pathetic. Your son don't have to be at Butlins or Disney at Christmas to have a great time there. Of course their mum, who clearly cares much more about them then your OH doesn't want to be away from her daughters the whole Xmas time. What horrible dad think that this would be ok in the circumstances. Of course you should be planning a holiday with all of them at a time that he would normally have them.

I do believe you mean well and have come a long way since you first posted, but I do struggle to comprehend how you can love and want to share your life with a man who is clearly totally selfish, so badly so that even his mum claims it!

I think he is the kind of man whose interest in his children depends upon his relationship with their mother. When you previously separated he made the effort with your joint child and his stepson because he was hoping to reconcile with you. But his relationship with his ex is completely over so his daughters are less important to him now. The same will be true of your boys if you split permanently and he meets someone else.

Makes no sense- you can’t afford to add his girls on the holiday in May but you can afford butlins or Paris at Xmas?

I just think it's sad for a man who claims he adores his children to be carrying on this way: when you look at when thenkids were younger you can really see how amazing he was with them. In the last two weeks I have driven up there 6 times so he could go to sports days, school fairs and he Day to see them hoping this may help. He is good with them when he sees them and gets upset when they leave but then is happy to holiday without them. I have suggested going new year week so that we could take them all, plus it's a extra week to save spending money but he wants it to be Christmas as he never did it as a child. I don't know if it's because maybe he doesn't want me seeing my mum. Ever since my eldest was born I have always had Christmas lunch up there and afternoon, one because my ex husband at the time worked Christmas Day and because it was nice for my son. My mum will
Pop in most nights and then take my son Upto my grandads with her and my partner is funny about that: he doesn't see why my mum 'has to be involved in everything' but he forgets she is the one who has always picked up the pieces and the kids adore her. I think maybe if I agree to not go up there Christmas Day for lunch maybe he may relent a little.

I had a lot going on with my ex husband, I had to get social services involved but it's all sorted now and he loves seeing him again I have really worked at that. I was also suffering really bad with depression and I think everything just all very much got on top of me. I think I realised how much now was being put on me and that's Why I felt the pressure of it all when it came to the girls. It would probably be a lot easier if we did live closer but I can't rake the risk of moving my whole life at the moment. I have got a lot of plans for when they are down, and have sorted the youngest girls birthday presents even if it £20 for some silly plastic unicorn you stick on your finger 😂

I see such a shit side to him at times but then at other times when it come to the girls when he is with them i see such a lovley side. Seeing things his mum has put online lately though I have started to see where his spending habits; and selfishness about 'inwork I am entitled' comes from. I don't think maybe he always realises I have just got
To work to try and get it out of him

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale for Butlins or
Disneyland at Christmas we would have the whole of next year to pay we would have Upto October to clear it off; meaning we would be able to save our Christmas and birthday money to put towards it (I would rather it goes on the kids than I buy myself something I don't need) and time to sort out passports and insurances for the youngest. With the hotel my parents booked it would cost us £1400 to add them on which we couldn't raise by Feb to pay off plus passports and insurance. However we have priced Butlins and for us all it would be £1100 with the food package and we have until October next year to save the money.

“he wants it to be Christmas as he never did it as a child”

That’s what his daughter will be saying in the future - except it will finish with “but my dad took my stepbrother and little brother instead of taking us at all”

You could ask your parents to front the cost and you pay it off to them monthly. Tbh I can’t undertsand why they wouldn’t book for the whole family. Pretty horrible of them to do what they have.

Op seriously op how can you be with a man who doesn’t give a shit about his dds maybe because they were born female and are happy to leave them to take you’re boys to disneyland.

So he can’t get time off to have his girls in the summer holidays for one week out of six, but he can take annual leave to go away with your son and a baby who won’t know or care whether he’s there or not, because it’s your parents bankrolling it?

Have you got no self esteem whatsoever? I am embarrassed for you. What shit make role models/exes have you had in your life that you think this man is worthy of the time of day? He’s a waste of skin

Stop getting into debt to pay for holidays. Meet your immediate obligations: feed and house ALL of your children. That means having a bedroom that is for the girls and is their own with their things in it all the bloody time, not a camp bed in the baby’s room ffs

And you don’t get cookies for buying a child a birthday present fgs.

Sort the basics before you get bogged down in all this butlins and disneyland bollocks

And get yr man’s name down for the snip, he’s a feckless fucking clown

He sounds a right piece of shit

Lol at Lunchbox cutting to the chase

He will do the same to your children one day, you do know that don't you? I can't imagine anything that would kill a relationship more for me than my partner being a shit dad

A lot of harshness and asking the OP to stop posting. You don't own this site and if you don't wish to respond...move on to the next thread.

OP is there arrangement in place for custody at Christmas? My DB and his Ex alternate...however she realised the DC preferred Christmas with our side of the family and now he has every Christmas and she has new years...which suits her.

In relation to Butlins and DLP... i think it's unfair that his girls would only get Butlins and yours would get DLP. That makes it seem like they arent worth it and are the second class kids. You know they'd enjoy DLP more than Butlins.

Instead he should save until he can take all the kids to DLP...even if it means another year or two and Easter or half term.

If their mother refuses to allow them to go... then he's tried. If he has it in writing he'll have the evidence if she tries to say he wouldn't take them.

If you didn't care to some degree...you wouldn't be posting and I think it's unhelpful that posters always bring up your previous threads.

Op he is a shirt father. This is the future for your shared child too.

He should not even be considering going on a family holiday without his children.

He is selfish. HE wants to go to disneyland at christmas. Nobody else is bothered about that.

He is trying to control your family time too.

What do you want to happen?

he wants it to be Christmas as he never did it as a child.

It's all about him then.

Ever since my eldest was born I have always had Christmas lunch up there and afternoon

So now you have your own family...It's reasonable for him not to want this to happen every year.

OP .. I can see this really concerns you and you're trying very hard.

You need to get your DH to uhh understand how his DDs will feel and how selfishness will affect and impact them now and in the future.

They will feel less important than their half brothers.

I don't agree that your parents should have paid for his DDs as a pp said. It's enough that they're paying for all of you..I think it's damn cheeky to expect them too.

@SandyY2K I think with regards to DLP one he has said it's getting the passports as they have never had passports and it would rely on the ex wife giving him paperwork needed to sort them out and he is worried about the youngest as she has hydrocephalus and she has never flown or gone on rides before he I think just worries about taking her abroad or to France as if it ever shuts down like it has before he wants her to be in England which I can understand too a degree as we will have to have doctors approval to take her for th insurance purposes.

I have always spent the Christmas at mums because it gives me the afternoon off from
Cooking etc. My job involves cooking and serving people and obviously the same at home for the kids and he is a baker so he's always working with food 😂 it just gives us both a break. My little boy has got so upset as my mum has gone away for 4 weeks with school; and most nights even when she isn't away he cries for nanny he just loves going there. My partner doesn't like it or understand It it's as if he resents the relationship my mum has with him. The girls grandparents don't do half of what my mum does for the boys, gives as much time or buys the treats and cheisymas like my mum and dad do I feel he struggles with it. His mum would give the kids a present each whereas my mum does them a little pile of presents etc.

He doesn't see anything as being selfish with money unfortunately and I have seen how it is steminh back through his mum
With how she has been lately.

I just want all the kids to be happy. I may struggle at times with the girls but I would never wish any harm or for them to feel excluded all the time. My partner has kept all messages where the mum has denied them things for when they are older. There is no court order in place I think he is concerned if there is and his work changes or family situations etc he can't ever deviate from it. Or like now if she wants him to he can changed plans like this weekend she wants us to have them Wednesday for the day instead if the weekend day we have.

If he is worried about the little one and rides with her illness, then explaining this to his EX would at least let her know she's thinking of them.

If his Ex is difficult about letting him have the paperwork to apply for passports, then she would be making her children miss out on the opportunity to travel.

With regards to Christmas day... I also know a couple of people or shall I say men that take the family away to avoid Christmas with the wife's family.

My BIL is one of them. My cousins DH moved them all the way to the USA for the same reason. It's born out of jealousy.. because they arent as close to their own families.

Apart from DLP, you could all go abroad to another location. It just seems that DLP is more for him than anyone else.

I work with a man who split from his wife about 4 years ago (after he shagged his way round half the girls in our office - another story.) and his ex upped and moved to Scotland. We're near Manchester. His fb is full of how much he misses his son, how old his son is now, his son's baby pics etc etc. What you wouldn't know from fb is that he also has 3 daughters. They will get a mention if someone asks after them.

From this post and your previous ones your partner really reminds me of my colleague. It's all about the sons and forget about the daughters. Would he even see them if it wasn't for you?

He needs to do them a favour and dissappear from their lives so they can get on with life without constantly wondering if daddy really cares, and you need to do yourself and your sons a favour and make him dissappear from your lives too.

He's an oxygen thief.

Why do you keep going on about how good he is with your sons? Nobody cares. The point is that he doesn't give a shit about his daughters if he wants to go on two holidays in a row without them. And you, knowing that he neglects two of his children, still staying with him makes you a shitty person in my book as well.

Those poor children. I don't often abdicate a parent having no contact but their life would be better if you left them alone. All they see now is a dad that can't be bothered and treats other people's children better than them and you enable that.