Do you buy for the ex?

[Crossroads18]

A simple debate we have been having.. do you buy birthday, Christmas or mother's/father's day presents for your ex partner from the kids?

Me and my ex use to when we first split and neither of us had partners however now we both have partners we leave it down to the respective partner. That way they can include them in with their present or link it to things that they know they want or need etc.

We have tried applying this to my partners ex and have made the suggestion after she had a almighty row with us about it because my partner hasn't bought her loads of expensive gifts like in the past for her birthday?

We had been getting on reasonably well she had agreed to us having them to stay for a week in the holidays, we have for them for the annual firework completion and also she has agreed we can travel up Fridays to see his children instead of him going up Saturday to see them. So we pick them up from school, go out for dinner etc and he sees them more than he would visiting the day Saturday cause of trains. She even didn't have a go when he put on Facebook how we have changed our holiday next year to somewhere else for the boys as we were getting concerned about the hotel we had booked and was 'pleased it would be better for them' and she was understanding that we are away for Christmas with family as it's all expensively paid. So he has finally been lovley about things and then this feels like a step back. What do you all do?

not sure if I understand your post correctly....but personally i think "gifts from the kids" are weird. Unless the kids are old enough and voluntarily want to spend their pocket money for a small gift for the parents, we all know they come from......so no, definitely not buying for ex.

*where they come from

Was he getting expensive gifts for her from the kids when they were together?
My DH used to get DSDs mum something from DSD when they first split but by the time I came on the scene either her mum or partner would do this: occasionally we might make something for her mum for mother’s day if she asks to but generally we don’t and I sort out presents from DSD to her dad with her but they aren’t massively expensive ones, more £20ish

I don’t know anyone whose current partner buys loads of expensive presents for the children to give to their other parent. Never mind doing this for the ex. Normally presents from children to parents are small or handmade?
In our situation we haven’t helped my partner’s daughter to buy pressies for her mum. She’s 4 so maybe will soon ask to get Christmas /birthday presents for her mum in which case I imagine we will give her a little money and take her somewhere to spend it.

I wouldn't unless DSD directly asked to go shopping for a present.
Assume makes an was out of you and me.
Who expects presents???

No gifts for my partners EW bought ‘from’ the kids (to give to her) - no Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas etc etc....

I think once the kids asked if we could by something for mummy for Mother’s Day and my OH did (on behalf of the kids).

The mother is extremely hostile and would never buy anything for the kids to give to their dad. So we don’t.

We help my step son get a present for his mum for xmas, bday and Mother's Day. And she does it for my partner.

I don't mind as I feel bad if we didn't then she would get very little for occasions as she has a small family.
We seem to spend an equal amount as she does and we let step son choose the presents.
Step son has always chosen the presents as he was 8 when they spilt so he could make choices himself.

I'd would find it strange if the children were too young to be involved in present choosing as it's basically your partner buying for his ex.

We don't buy anything for the ex and she doesn't buy anything for DP. It's a very, very hostile relationship and she doesn't think things like father's Day or birthdays apply to dp. And it was only this year that I facilitated father's day gifts for DP and his dad from them.

I think we would buy something small if they asked but I don't think she'd ever accept any gift that we were involved with.

Yes, I do. And so does my ex or at least we facilitate it. Until the DC are at an age where they have the independence to go to a shop themselves and organise it, I will take the DC shopping and ensure they get something from them that they can give him.
When they were younger I would have perhaps got them the materials so they could make a card.

My DP's ExW is exceptionally hostile, but we still ensure that the DC do not return empty handed because ultimately, irrespective of what she does/ says, DC watch and learn from actions. And if they remember that they were always sent with something (however small like a card), they will know that hostility and conflict is not something they ever sensed from my DP and I. Children absorb everything.

My partner when he first split with his ex was still buying her presents from the kids, whatever the kids choose. So one year for her birthday they got her perfume, and for Mother's Day they wanted to take her out for a meal so my partner gave them the money to take out with them and pay for it. Another time she had told the kids how she wanted a iPod for work so he went out and they bought a mini nano. The kids have always been old enough to ask him to buy certain items for them to give her. We are now in a position we really cannot affors to do it and feel it is her new partners responsibility as it is my responsibility to buy for their dad from them. This year they wanted To get him w gaming chair which I did save for and buy from them to give him.

I just feel that it's not our responsibility and I don't get why she is suddenly getting so uptight about it when she has been sonreasonable about us going away (as it means he won't see the kids for longer as they aren't coming) and she's agreeing to more contact compared to what she was doing. Why should us not buying the presents suddenly be a issue.

No none of that. I think its pretty rare.

Ok so that's very fancy stuff for you to being paying for.
When I say we do presents I mean flowers and a card for Mother's Day, £10ish for bday and no more then £20 for Xmas.
We did a bit more this year as I was her 40th and we felt bad she'd just broken up with bf so wouldn't be getting much.

No way would I be spending that much on an ex even if it was from the kids. I'd explain you don't have the money to do it anymore maybe give the kids x amount each and let them choose a present. It's a lot harder to complain when it's you children that chose the gifts.

why do you think it’s rare? Plenty of people have no family and if the ex didn’t help out with a present, the other parent would go without. My ex has done it to me very times and my children are very aware. Very sad for them. As they have got older it is now a joke that Imbuy my own presents (by giving them the money) and we always go out for a meal and buy or make me a birthday cake.

Nothing expensive but yes.

When he was the ex he was a good father and the kids loved him. A gift not just from the kids but from us all to celebrate that was fine.

In my family you don't buy expensive stuff for parents until the kids have jobs and spend their own money. It seems odd because she clearly knows it's her ex spending lots of money on her, that would make me uncomfortable regardless. Small hand made presents or photo gifts etc fine, but anything more than that and 100% her partner should be sorting it. I would try and break the habit of expensive presents from the kids to be honest, if I had saved for a present from my partner then he thanked the kids for their gift it would actually really annoy me. lol. My dad used to get a home made card and a box of matchsticks! And he loved it. Have

@ohreallyohreallyoh my parents when I were younger and they split never bought for each other from the kids it was always the partners. And to be honest the day isn't about what presents we get as parents it spending time with our kids. I just think
It's odd she is kicking off so much about the presents yet when it comes to Christmas or days out and holidays she is being very reasonable and wishing us both and the boys a good time. Seems odd

What if there is no new partner?

What if there is no new partner?

^^how is that any concern of the ex? DP's ex doesn't have a partner but that's not our issue unless DSD specifically asks if she can get something (which she doesn't). Otherwise it's just buying something for your ex isn't it which is just weird unless you're still genuinely friends.

So did the kids ask their dad as they had always and he said 'go and ask your mum's new partner'? How old are they?

Personally I find it quite sad to expect expensive presents from your kids. I'm happy with a card and if I get a £5 present, I know they've made an effort and I'm happy with that too.

I have paid for my kids to get their dad a present when they asked. It was never reciprocated. It did annoy me but I reminded again that I wasn't doing it for them, but for my kids and the pleasure they got from making him happy.

Oh right. Just lump it then. Thanks.

Personal view ... if there has been conflict during the divorce and child access was agreed via the courts then I would suggest buying presents is very odd ... especially if one parent has reduced access out of bitterness or revenge.

moodance I completely disagree. When there has been conflict and there is a high level of court intervention, it impacts the children even more. They aren’t stupid and they know at some level that all is not well. No child should be made to feel conflicted over two people they love and sinking into Cold War territory only makes it worse for the children.

My DP is in and out of court, and his DC still made Mother’s Day cards for their mother. They will remember these moments as they get older. The war is between the parents, helping a child to make something for someone that child loves is the best thing anyone could do.

Seriously I can not get over how petty people.

I have taken my DCS out to buy presents for their father for fathers day, xmas and b day. This is not about me buying for the ex - it is about teaching kids about giving and receiving.

I have always stipulated that it has to be something they want to do with Daddy. Interesting choices from books, to favourite cake to eat, to how to build a robot.

Yes it is me buying for my EX but so bloody what - I think people are being so small minded.

Ex has done the same for me - I do not give a toss what his then dP thought it was none of her business. The last year they were together, I knew EX had forgotten it was my bday. I did not mention it but phone calls from my family, made the DCs realise they had not got me even a b day care - 6 and 8. Eldest was devastated, cried and cried that they were bad kids.

Eventually he went round to next door neighbour and had all his pocket money and asked him to take them to buy me something it was 1830. Lovely NDN did - flowers and cheese and biscuits!!

I would never want my DCS to feel like that again.

Some of you grow up- eldest DC now asks Dad for money to buy me something.

especially if one parent has reduced access out of bitterness or revenge

So all about the adults and extracting some kind of revenge for the...revenge? You can’t imagine how painful it is for a child to realise they have missed a parent’s special occasion?