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Original poster

Do you buy for the ex?

57 replies

Crossroads18 · 18/07/2018 13:03

A simple debate we have been having.. do you buy birthday, Christmas or mother's/father's day presents for your ex partner from the kids?

Me and my ex use to when we first split and neither of us had partners however now we both have partners we leave it down to the respective partner. That way they can include them in with their present or link it to things that they know they want or need etc.

We have tried applying this to my partners ex and have made the suggestion after she had a almighty row with us about it because my partner hasn't bought her loads of expensive gifts like in the past for her birthday?

We had been getting on reasonably well she had agreed to us having them to stay for a week in the holidays, we have for them for the annual firework completion and also she has agreed we can travel up Fridays to see his children instead of him going up Saturday to see them. So we pick them up from school, go out for dinner etc and he sees them more than he would visiting the day Saturday cause of trains. She even didn't have a go when he put on Facebook how we have changed our holiday next year to somewhere else for the boys as we were getting concerned about the hotel we had booked and was 'pleased it would be better for them' and she was understanding that we are away for Christmas with family as it's all expensively paid. So he has finally been lovley about things and then this feels like a step back. What do you all do?

OP posts:
Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 18/07/2018 22:21

My ex and I have always bought presents for each other. Mostly we’ll each take the DC out and let them chose but if there’s something in particular we want then we’ll text each other to let them know.

Allthatsnot · 18/07/2018 22:32

We do for Christmas and mothers/fathers day, not birthdays for some reason, maybe too personal?
A £10 present your DC has chosen from the shop is a bit different to expecting expensive presents though. I definitely would not be happy to do that.

PrettyLovely · 18/07/2018 22:43

"EX had forgotten it was my bday. I did not mention it but phone calls from my family, made the DCs realise they had not got me even a b day care - 6 and 8. Eldest was devastated, cried and cried that they were bad kids."
I actually think thats awful that your kids feel so much pressure that they MUST BUY you something that one of them would cry like that and think they were bad.
I never expect my kids to buy me anything for my birthday or mothers day, making a lovely card is lovely though and thats something they enjoy doing.

moodance · 18/07/2018 22:56

I think it's a kick in the teeth when presents are brought especially on farther day / Mother's Day ... it's like I am going to stop you from seeing the kids ... and don't think your new partner will buy gifts as that's my role .. it's a control thing.

I am not saying children shouldn't be encouraged to make presents for their parents ... but if there is a step parent who is willing to buy the presents then let them .. and take a step back.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 18/07/2018 22:57

I hardly think a parent who won’t help with a small gift is going to help a child make a card, do you?

But here, have a Biscuit for the not so veiled attempt at calling an ex wife a shite parent. A child who receives gifts and who is generally well-mannered is more than likely to want to give something to their parent. Only when it involves an ex wife does it become child abuse, eh?!

PrettyLovely · 18/07/2018 23:04

"I hardly think a parent who won’t help with a small gift is going to help a child make a card, do you? "
Why not?
I myself never received gifts from my ex, My children made cards at home.

"But here, have a biscuit for the not so veiled attempt at calling an ex wife a shite parent."
It really makes me cringe when people hand out biscuits, Confused
I am an ex wife too, Just because I dont agree with what someone says doesnt mean I am against ex wives, Grow up ohreally

takeittakeit · 18/07/2018 23:18

Prettylovely - it was not about the present or the buying, it was about the remembering.
In the past they have made cards, bought me a bar of chocolate, made a picture. There was not pressure to BUY ME anything.

It is the act of remembering something special in someones life. I loathe the whole mothers day, fathers day bollocks and they know that- a card and kiss is fine! Or now I get a kiss and cup of tea in bed!

We are teaching our children to be kind thoughtful, think of others, it is not about material things - it is about everything else that goes into the present making or giving.

TooSassy · 19/07/2018 06:19

moodance wow. I think you come from the camp my DP’s EW resides in.

  1. if things are hostile and in court, communications are minimal. There is no way a parent knows that someone else may be buying a present/ making a card.
  2. if things are also hostile in court itis highly unlikely that if one party says ‘oh look it’s Mothering Sunday I’ll let the DC stay with you’ can I have an extra day next week?’ that the extra day will be given. It’s more likely to be met with silence as the court ordered days are he only ones that anyone has to facilitate contact
  3. How is helping young DC who do not have the independence to go to shops themselves, controlling? I’m genuinely askance at that comment.

It’s just another example of a child focussed action, done with good intent to help DC feel settled and loved. That is being twisted by an adult into an accusation of something negative.

I’m going to stop writing this post before I become too incensed. There must be some sort of vicious person school they send some ex spouses to who come out with this rubbish on command. Bitter and twisted thinking is what I call that. So very sad.

moodance · 19/07/2018 14:43

@TooSassy ... it's in the court order for clarification . For mothers / Father's Day it makes me uncomfortable knowing the ex stated clearly it wasn't in the children's best interests for share care however there wasn't any grounds for this ... then the ex wants to play the reasonable ex by funding / helping the children to buy a present... no thanks ... I've already had oh mummy is now being nice by getting a present... if she was so nice she would stop playing the games .

So now the children make cards presents .

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2018 16:34

I've been in my SD's life since she was 5 and I have always helped her with mother's day/birthday/christmas gifts for her mum. It's a hostile relationship between us all, however, I've always asked my SD if she wants help and she's answered 'yes'...so I do it. Doesn't matter that the adults all hate each other, it's the child that counts. She's now 15 and sorts it all herself but it was good for her to know that if she needed help (no matter what!) we would be there for her.

I also helped her with her dad's pressies too as her mum wasn't grown-up enough to look past her hatred for him.

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2018 16:37

Not saying I think it's the ex's role to continue with sorting presents, but, I do think if the child wants to do it then the ex partner should be open to helping. I've always been happy to help my SD with her Dad's stuff - it was fun to be involved!

Honeyroar · 19/07/2018 17:03

My stepson was 7 when I met him, we didn't buy presents for his ex and she never has for us. Before me, my husband's mum helped my stepson choose a little present for my husband and I imagine his ex'a new husband did for his ex (they got together v soon after she left my husband). As he's got older he's chosen his own presents for his mum and dad, I've reminded him Mother's Day and helped him think of things if he was struggling. Sometimes I've added some money to the cost of something, but he's been very good at thinking about people and presents, he still is.

OP these children in question just sound like they see him as a bank/catalogue, in fact so does his ex. They sound much too big presents for children to buy a parent. Children should only be buying a book or CD, just a token. They've learned nothing about giving if they just demand money off dad for something expensive.

TooSassy · 19/07/2018 17:19

Doesn't matter that the adults all hate each other, it's the child that counts. She's now 15 and sorts it all herself but it was good for her to know that if she needed help (no matter what!) we would be there for her.

This. This is what far too many people lose sight of. I am yet to see any child be unhappy at giving someone they love a sign of their love. it's the adults who twist something kind, simple and child focussed into something different.

mooncuplanding · 19/07/2018 17:27

I think kids enjoy giving parents a present....don’t we all? And they don’t have the resources to do it until they get their own money. I think it’s downright mean not to allow children to buy for a parent.

I facilitate my dcs to buy for their dad

I also facilitate my bf’s dc to buy for their dad (my bf) as they barely see their mum and it wouldn’t cross her mind.

MrsBertBibby · 19/07/2018 19:31

Of course we both help our respective kids buy gifts for their other parent! Gift giving is a really important life skill!

Who wants to raise a person who doesn't know how to choose a gift with thought for what will be appreciated?

My partner also discreetly ensures my useless ex has done the necessary and steps in to ensure my son has something for me , if he hasn't.

It's really important. It's not about being nice to your ex!

Phillipa12 · 19/07/2018 19:42

My ex used to take the dc into shops to get me presents for birthday etc, i was always grateful but put a stop to it as after 15 years together it was blindingly obvious that he did not know what i liked! Instead i take the dc into the supermarket and they each get to choose me a present for birthday, if that happens to be a kinder egg (one of the dc is 2)then so be it, the eldest gets given the money and pays and then hides it and wraps it. I expect ex to do the same with the dc but if they ask me to get a card or a present then i do, its no big deal, i would just rather sort out my presents from the dc myself.

moodance · 19/07/2018 19:43

But why do you have to buy a present? Why can't it be made by the child?

takeittakeit · 19/07/2018 21:14

it does not have to be bought - but one parent helping their children make/buy something for the other parent is the issue.

This is about teaching children abut giving and receiving and consideration.

It as someone has already said - it transcends the adults hatred.

Some people just need to grow up

mooncuplanding · 19/07/2018 21:26

My ex played the dickhead one mother’s day and bought a really awful present, deliberately insulting.

The KIDS were really upset by it

He, to be fair, hasn’t done it since since he saw how upset the dcs were

ohreallyohreallyoh · 19/07/2018 21:32

Because we give our children presents and they like to reciprocate? Because that’s what people do? Because it is customary in this country to give presents for certain occasions? Or should separated parents just forgo this because the ex can’t get over themselves to behave decently?

macdhui · 19/07/2018 21:38

Yes ! My first year of marriage DH asked if I would buy birthday gift for ex wife (mother of DSS 18 & 21) - he loathes shopping . Was a bit surprised at request but he said it was probably the only gift she would receive. Have now been married 22 years and still do it ! Weirdly I enjoy finding something special for her. My dds both help me choose something each year - they have never even met her !

takeittakeit · 19/07/2018 22:12

Macdhui -good on you!
Adult response not some of the childish crap that has been written on here.

As tempted as I have been to buy shit - the DCS would be gutted an I will not harm them.

Dovesfly · 19/07/2018 22:15

Yes we do - I buy for my ex h from my dc, my dh does from his dc to his ex & both our exes do with our dc for us. Nothing huge or expensive but gifts that choose.

pinkhorse · 19/07/2018 22:32

We don't buy for exes. Partners buy on behalf of the children.

SandyY2K · 20/07/2018 06:18

I don't think it's for the new partner to do really. He is she is bot the child's parent.

If that arrangement works for them...leave it be.

It depends on their ages, however as time goes by and the kids get older..buying and paying is their responsibility.

I do think asking for an ipod is a tad pricy though.

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