Do you buy for the ex?

[Crossroads18]

A simple debate we have been having.. do you buy birthday, Christmas or mother's/father's day presents for your ex partner from the kids?

Me and my ex use to when we first split and neither of us had partners however now we both have partners we leave it down to the respective partner. That way they can include them in with their present or link it to things that they know they want or need etc.

We have tried applying this to my partners ex and have made the suggestion after she had a almighty row with us about it because my partner hasn't bought her loads of expensive gifts like in the past for her birthday?

We had been getting on reasonably well she had agreed to us having them to stay for a week in the holidays, we have for them for the annual firework completion and also she has agreed we can travel up Fridays to see his children instead of him going up Saturday to see them. So we pick them up from school, go out for dinner etc and he sees them more than he would visiting the day Saturday cause of trains. She even didn't have a go when he put on Facebook how we have changed our holiday next year to somewhere else for the boys as we were getting concerned about the hotel we had booked and was 'pleased it would be better for them' and she was understanding that we are away for Christmas with family as it's all expensively paid. So he has finally been lovley about things and then this feels like a step back. What do you all do?

@SandyY2K but why do you feel it's not the job of the "new" partner? As a "new" partner (I find that term insulting tbh especially given I've been with DP longer than he was with his ex) I'm in a far better place to help DSD choose a good present for DP and teach her about actually choosing thoughtful things not just the first random crap she sees on the shelves at Tesco like his ex used to pick.

Likewise I am sure there are plenty of people in his ex's life who would be able to help DSD far more than either of us could. I think as ex's you're not always involved in each other's lives enough to know what the other person would like.

But as I said upthread, we would help DSD if she asked and I did help DSD this year for her Mum's birthday because she asked to.

I don't think it's for the new partner to do really. He is she is bot the child's parent.

What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China? My DP buys flowers for my DC to give me randomly. Not just on special occasions. Should he not do that because he’s not my Dc’s Father. I can tell you now if my ExH did that it wouldn’t go down well.

That’s another post that is making all of this about the petty insecurities of the adults. Children can be given 10 gifts to give someone by 10 different people, do you think the Dc care? Or do you think they’ve get happy and excited about seeing mummy or daddy smile because they get to give them something (however small)?

This is for the children. To make them happy. And to help lessen any internal (inevitable) conflict they may have as result off mummy and daddy not living together anymore.

How do Some posters here not understand that simple concept?

SandyY2K but why do you feel it's not the job of the "new" partner?

By new I meant existing partner...no offence intended.

I just don't feel it's their responsibility.

The step parent pushing this issue ..is like they're trying to be the parent and force themself on the child in relation to doing what the other parent did.

What if the stepdad doesn't want to do this? He shouldn't have to be pushed into it.

The child is used to their own parent...why do they have to suddenly go to the stepparent for assistance must because mum or dad has a new partner? What if they don't feel comfortable and don't like the stepparent that much to go shopping with them.

They have no choice in a stepmum or dad...but they shouldn't have to ask them for help with it and the step parent shouldn't be obligated.

If I became a stepmum...I'd be quite okay for my H to continue helping his kids but their mum a gift.

Unless the relationship with the Ex is really bad...then they can step in. Or if the Ex isn't likely to bother helping the kids do it.

At the end of the day...It's only going to be till their old enough to do it themselves.

It should also be something they do with their own money. So they do need pocket money.

My DP buys flowers for my DC to give me randomly. Not just on special occasions. Should he not do that because he’s not my Dc’s Father.

That's his choice. No problem with it.

I can tell you now if my ExH did that it wouldn’t go down well.

I expect it's because things didn't end very well. Which is fine.

I just don't see that the OP should dictate what goes on...as it's been in place before she came on the scene and it works for them.

By objecting..it looks like she's insecure about it all.

There is no one size fits all. It's not about right or wrong..It's what works for the DC and their parents.

I don't see why the stepparent has to get involved in this, unless the child wants them involved.

Otherwise...leave them to it with their dad.

" There is no one size fits all. It's not about right or wrong..It's what works for the DC and their parents. "

I think you are right there Sandy^^

We have agreed that he won't be spending the money on Expensive gifts for her at all. He will on future help the kids with a card and a token gift. He has explained this to his ex wife that he will help however he will not be spending thath sort of money because he wants to have the spare money when he does for his kids not buying her expesenive
Gifts. And to save towards holidays for the kids. It seemed to go down ok in the end. I think it was a fair compromise.
Me and my ex will just carry on not buying for each other and letting the partners do it as both our respective partners enjoy to do it with our son.

Thank you all so so much for your diffferent opinions. It's nice to see how different families do it

My ex and I had a terrible break up but we both brought each other gifts for the DC to give to each other .. albeit token ones.

My DH used to buy a card and token gift for his kids mum for birthday, Christmas, mothers day. Ie box of chocs, flowers, fancy mug etc and pay for them. Now as they are older and able to go to shop themselves he offers a small contribution as they are expected to save some of their pocket money to contribute as well. Their mum does the token gift for DH, although I don't know if she pays for it or if she asks kids to contribute as well.