Money

[Crossroads18]

Am I being selfish to my two sons to be fantasising of being on my own so that I can have more money for them. With my partner, his two daughters and the boys we live Day to day counting money. When I was a single parent to my eldest I loved how we had so much spare money every month. If I had a good month at work we could have £400 a month spre. I now hate having to live counting the pennies since my partner moved in. When we first got together we went out lids and did a lot because we lived seperatley and could afford to: my partner is so accustomed to life where he doesn't worry about bills and happily spends spends spends that we do argue if I say no we can't afford something. I am not prepared to claim as a single
Parent with him living here.It's not my fault he has to pay out to see his children and for csa. It was his choice to have them. Our relationship is amazing, he lets me go back to bed when he gets home, he cooks breakfast and dinner in bed, shares night feeds with our son, does joint nursery runs etc and we do have a amazing time together. He does half the housework and we are so alike in the tv we watch our relationship is amazing. But every week he goes up to see his daughters it's a argument as he expects more money than we can afford. And it has been rough going with his daughters. I have made a lot of progress and as much as at times I can resent them for their behaviour and things I have learnt how to deal with it. I hate how my boys are going without so much because we are together and for the stepdaughters to have contact etc. Will it get easier... am I just having a bad few months, or am I right feeling selfish.

Money will always be better without a partner who has children - that’s just a fact. It’s not nasty to point that out.
I often think how wonderful it would be to not have dscs and given the chance I would pack my children up and leave with them as I know my children’s lives would be so much better as I would be able to concentrate solely on them.

The thing is when you’re with someone with children you can’t just pretend his children don’t exist and they will cost ££££ for many years. It’s something you have to weigh up whether you’re prepared to be on board with, and if you’re not and you want to put your own children first always then you need to accept that the relationship probably isn’t for you.

If you want to go back to having extra money then this relationship probably isn't for you. He has children and he will always have to provide for them. It won't stop. If you aren't happy with the decrease in money for your children then there's no point pursuing this any further.
Accept or move on?

You are definitely that poster who has her eldest son in a castle bed and resents your dps dds every time you post about them you moan about him spending time with them considering he moved away. You can name change and change details but you’re posts are so blatant it’s obvious it’s you!

Snappedandfarted2018
You can name change and change details

Same typos and typing style

I am not moaning about him spending money or his kids or him visiting them. Asides from him paying out for all that we would still be struggling financially and would still have nowhere near the lifestyle me and my son had when I was a single parent. I didn't even get much in tax credits so it's not that as I worked full time. It's all the things like water bills. It has doubled since he has moved in because he has two baths a day. Electric has nearly doubled because of how much time he spends with the tv on. My food bill has nearly tripled because of all the coke, crisps and food snacks he 'needs.' I am sick of feeling like I am the only
One to care about how much bills are so that we have more money for the kids. I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this way and it has gotten better. I am
Hoping once my youngest is older and I can do more than 18 hours a week that will help too.

Rachie1973

Excately!

You’re now changing it to suit op now it’s not his dd but him who’s draining your resources. Why have a dc together when you had existing dc to support? Claiming together was always going to go down claiming as a single person is to help with the lack of wage from having a partner. You’re no different to anyone else.

@Snappedandfarted2018 when I was a single parent I worked 45 hours a week, got the same tax credits that I get now (£140 a week) and I got £350 towards my £650 tent. So I barely got anything extra in tax credits for being single as I actually worked a lot of hours. Sounds like in life though you would never give someone w second chance if they are trying to make things better. I asked for Help with step kids yet that was always so wrong in your eyes, when actually I was trying to better myself. And now I am just trying to make sense of my thoughts wanting support of people as it's not really a conversation I would want woth my partner: and my mum feels that I should leave him anyways I had more financial stability as I didn't have the worry of him gambling or not going work or quitting his job:. But can love ever be enough over money when we need money to survive. I think it's a genuine question
That I thought many other people maybe feeling. My parents gave me a lifestyle where I never wanted for anything and i want to do that for my boys. I feel like a massive failure at the minute.

I bloody knew it was you from your last thread! All you do is make threads complaining about those poor girls, his ex is a bitch. his dds want stuff they cost money to visit, you’re dp can’t be arsed to see them. Yet you holiday abroad with your boys. Why on earth would anyone feel sorry for you op you’re not the victim in this those girls are. You knew he had dc, you know he has money problems how on earth is it a step parenting issue? Stop blaming his girls!!!

Does he work? And you should of known money would of gone down when he moved in.
So you have 2 choices really..stay with him and spend same amount on all CHILDREN and budget properly instead of buying castle beds ...or just split up.

Why don't you stop spending money on your kids or send them away instead? It would mean you're back to only having to pay out for two instead of four. Or are your kids more important than his?

Your circumstances have also changed because you had another child.
You really need to split up. Are you frightened he will be as shit to your son as he has been to his daughters. Hes no loss.

Ha I got deleted for saying you were the same poster on your last thread but I knew it. Strange that he's a gambling addict and you chose to bring another baby into the mix after 5 minutes but it is his contact and maintenance for his first children that is blamed for your money worries.

More than one person in the world can have a gambling addiction. It's actually got common these days. My partner is a brilliant dad. But I would love the time you guys all seem to have to constantly slate everyone and actually I imagine you are either not step parents yourself or you really aren't as great as you all make out. It's a simple question I asked finding out if anyone else every felt the same way financially. I have looked at My finances and even though I now have two children I would still be better off considerably. I love him to absolute bits don't get me wrong, and I have always hopes that would be enough but there is days when I feel that it isn't because there is just this big cloud over our heads when it comes to money. I am a parent who's now prepared for my children to go without. Maybe that makes me a bad parent maybe a good one, but at the moment I feel I am denying my kids of a lot. My other worry is that if I did kick him out whether my landlord would let me stay on. I would obviously have to inform him so we could get the contract change for housing allowance. There is so much to factor in. And it's whether my boys in the future will thank me for a more stress free life where we don't have to worry so much and can put ourselves first.

You were working 45h, you are now working less than half that (if I remember properly). This is because you decided to have another child even though, if again I recall properly, you already had 3 between the two of you. Of course you are going to struggle financially now, having decided to have a child with someone who isn't financially reliable and having little one.

I assumed if you were getting over £500 a month in tax credits despite working 45h, it was because your child was in childcare. You do have the option to go back to work these hours and leave your youngest in childcare too.

The reality is that you can't have it all. Many people in your position (including myself) opted not to have more children in our new relationship because of the financial implication. You made the other choice, so you need to accept the consequences. When you can go back to working more hours, and your OH can sort himself out, you too should be better off.

Most of the people who go on these boards are step parents.
If it helps put it in perspective for you, I don't have children of my own but my earnings all go on the family as the step children live with us full time.
The reason we don't have another child is because we can't afford to yet and if I did have a child of my own then all money would be equal. No child is better than the other when you are a family.
You clearly resent the shit out of this man and his children. Leave him and never get into a relationship with a man that has children again!

@swingofthings my eldest did go to childcare but only for 15 hours a week. When he went it was £4 a hour. However my youngest goes into childcare but it's gone up to £4.60 a hour so he goes 10hours a week. I would work 14 hour shifts on the day he spent with his dad, and a 14 hour shift, followed by a 8 hour shift when he stayed at my mums as he would go nursery for 5 hours and then she would collect him whilst I worked that evening and then the next morning til afternoon. It's not a option this time for my mum to do so, and my dad being a fireman can't either. We don't have anyone who would have him
For me to work except the childminder. I really hope it will get easier as they get older and I can work more and spend nothing on childcare.

I don't resent my partner at all just wish he could see that he needs to cut back and stop being so selfish x

Where did the extra £350 come from and what does the father of your own DC contribute. If the £350 towards rent was from the state then it should have been to help you provide not to spend on gratuitpus luxuries for your children.

Haven't seen other threads but the style and tone of your post has really shocked me.

If your DH gambles then get him help and support if he's as marvellous as you say. And love the steps - blended families are hard enough for all the children.

As said, you knew all this before you decided to have another child. THIS is your issue.

Unfortunately for you, you are facing the reality that it wasn't -just- the ex that had issue with spending, but your OH too. You had a baby -quickly- with a man who has turned out to be bad with money.

I feel for you coming to this reality, but again, you could have found out before becoming a mum again and therefore leave him more easily, going back to your old life.

I would have loved to have a 3rd child (at the time!), but if we had, we would be much much poorer right now. Unless you are reliant on benefits, additional kids come with much additional costs.

Why don't you get a job ?

OhTheRoses They are pretty shocking one was so bad it was deleted but her eldest was from a previous relationship had a castle bed they had a baby who had his own bedroom a girl on the crisp of starting puberty camped out in the hallway and the other child on a camp bed in her sons bedroom who has a castle, the boys got holidays abroad whilst the girls where left at home. Op relented and basically said their df side of the family would pay their place at butlins for Christmas & birthday presents for them. Seriously I kid you not!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3278160-unreasonable-ex-wife

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3273160-sd-will-only-see-dad-if-he-buys-something

but you have a child together? so his kids were there before at least one of your kids?
yabu and you know it.

@Accountant222 I do work. I work part time doing 18 hours a week, our youngest son goes nursery for 10 hours of it and the other 8 my partner has him when he gets home from work. Financially we cannot affor more in childcare for me to work more, and he has to consider visiting his kids so he can't have the boys all the time.

@swingofthings the £350 was a mixture of tips from work (hence why I said upto £350 if I had a good month.) extra maintenance from my ex husband so we could do things and he still pays now. He is paying £200 a month, and I use to do cleaning for family for money. We still get maintenance for my son now, however before I never included that money into anything for the bills or his food I used it purely to buy him treats, days out and holidays.

However you afford holidays abroad for your precious boys no?