Money

[Crossroads18]

Am I being selfish to my two sons to be fantasising of being on my own so that I can have more money for them. With my partner, his two daughters and the boys we live Day to day counting money. When I was a single parent to my eldest I loved how we had so much spare money every month. If I had a good month at work we could have £400 a month spre. I now hate having to live counting the pennies since my partner moved in. When we first got together we went out lids and did a lot because we lived seperatley and could afford to: my partner is so accustomed to life where he doesn't worry about bills and happily spends spends spends that we do argue if I say no we can't afford something. I am not prepared to claim as a single
Parent with him living here.It's not my fault he has to pay out to see his children and for csa. It was his choice to have them. Our relationship is amazing, he lets me go back to bed when he gets home, he cooks breakfast and dinner in bed, shares night feeds with our son, does joint nursery runs etc and we do have a amazing time together. He does half the housework and we are so alike in the tv we watch our relationship is amazing. But every week he goes up to see his daughters it's a argument as he expects more money than we can afford. And it has been rough going with his daughters. I have made a lot of progress and as much as at times I can resent them for their behaviour and things I have learnt how to deal with it. I hate how my boys are going without so much because we are together and for the stepdaughters to have contact etc. Will it get easier... am I just having a bad few months, or am I right feeling selfish.

Again what has your financial situation got to do with being a step parent? Why is it those girls fault? They were already there when you got together you should have factored them into the family in the same way you factored your previous son but no 5months in you decided to try for a baby and now your moaning about supporting four dc. I have three dc there’s no way I could afford four so we catered our family unit to reflect our financial circumstances. We don’t go abroad every year, more like ever couple of years.

Swing is absolutely right you made a poor choice and your circumstances and what is reflective of those choices don’t you dare blame those girls existence for your financial situation.

My DP has children from a previous relationship. Yes. Our expenses are considerable.

It's a fact that had I entered a relationship with a man who didn't have children I'd be a lot better off.

I knew that before getting involved. I chose to still get involved. IMO I'm glad my DP does the right thing.

He pays hefty maintenance every month to their Mum. Our rent is more because we have to have a large house so the DSC have their own rooms. We pay for holidays, etc. Everything you'd expect to pay for with children.

My DP before anything else is a father. I knew before I got involved that his DCs would always come first and that is exactly how it should be.

I couldn't be with a man who didn't prioritise his children and put them first. Besides, they were here first. Long before me. They were kind enough to allow me to be part of their lives. Not the other way round.

My DP and I our currently expecting our first child together and not for a minute do I think that this child comes first or this child should be prioritised. We are all a family. My DPs children included.

My DP came as a package deal. I knew this. I chose to continue our relationship with this knowledge and have zero regrets. DP is a wonderful partner but first and foremost he is a wonderful father and that's how it should be.

I’ve just read all your other threads. You really are something and your partner is appalling. In fact you sound similar to me ex and his wife but they don’t have any kids together but all they do is think of themselves.

I’d never allow my child to stay where they are put on a landing like a dog!

You are all missing the problem here, it's clearly the babies fault, everything was just peachy before he came along.

Okay, not sure what the background is here but If you want more money in your life it seems like you’ve got a few choices...

• change your lifestyle and accept you need to make do with basics (maybe you’re doing this already, but lots of people are talking about holidays and beds so idk!?)

• commit to invest in yourself, study, go and get yourself a better job to get the salary you want. Grow your independence.

• leave your partner, and go back to what you had before

Maybe a combination, or all of the above!?

Money doesn’t come easily; you’re gonna have to work for it one way or the other, if you want to make a change.

I come across people at work constantly who need/want more money, but they’re not prepared to actually plan or take steps to get it. Nobody is gonna do it for you

Yet another feckless woman who rushed into having a baby with a useless man who already has dc and now blames the steps for no money. No love, the decisions that you've made are the reason why you have no money nothing to do with the stepkids. For what It's worth I do have stepchildren but I also waited 6 years before we had children of our own and I would never begrudge my step children contact with their father.

The poor children are stuck in the middle with this. I've read some of your threads before but quickly refreshed my memory with the links.

The one quote from you that sticks in my throat is when you said you knew he had children when you got together so you knew god have to suck up being skint some weeks (I've paraphrased). That language says a lot about how you feel about his girls.

To be honest it sounds like you should go back to being single if money is the be all and end all because from reading you place importance on high expenditure when you can't afford it. And your partner sounds like a bit of a prize dick with his girls so if your fantasies become reality then expect him to be a prize dick with your child too.

My husband has no children of his own but he is step father to my two. He could live an extremely fancy lifestyle if he were single on his salary. But he puts more value on me, his wife and his step children, ensuring that they turn out well balanced and educated. He goes without, no foreign holidays globetrotting anymore.

It sounds like you both need to get your priorities straight. The children come first, all of them!

@Happydays87 thank you for your message. I am living with basics already, buying everything on the food shop As the basics of things, no treats on the food shop or days out or meals out anymore. I have reduced every bill down to the cheapest bills
I can find, cut sky tv down to just the Internet etc: I literally cannot skim
Anymore down. Our food bill comes to £50 a week for four of us with both in nappies, £20 of that is coke for my partner, crisps as he gets through 30 packs a week, plus all these chicken fridge snacks etc. If h doesn't get them he gets very stroppy. With regards to work I am a duty manager of a hotel, but I am
Only able to do 18 hours a week at the moment with childcare and working around my partner and his kids. I cannot wait until I can go back and do more, I have been doing more and more courses with work from him
And just got my personal licence etc in the hope of moving to a general manager position in the chain once one comes up. I have a few more courses to complete. This would then give us accommodation and a salary of around £35000 a year so we could afford more childcare and have a comfortable lifestyle and my partner wouldn't have to work. In the next 2 years I should be there but I can only go as fast as the courses and the business at the moment. I have tried doing selling st Home businesses but can't see to find one that is good at making money on. We are planning on a holiday with all the children but it's being paid for by grandparents not by us.

Your going abroad with your dc but taking the girls to butlins paid by your dh family. Again what has been your dp crisps and snacks got to do with your step children? Totally not a step parenting issue.

If you can’t afford junk food then don’t buy it. He isn’t helpless, he can go and get it himself... maybe he will realise the cost, when he’s putting his own hand in his pocket.

I’m not gonna criticise you for feeling the pangs of the financial sacrifice, I’m sure it’s a huge lifestyle change. I get that.

I also think that you’re both adults and you’re responsible for your own kids (harsh I know... sorry)!

Some people are saying you took your boys abroad and his girls went to butlins; how is that entirely your problem? That’s his choice as much as yours. I don’t necessarily think it’s fair by any means, but I don’t see how you can be blamed for it!

I do think though, if you want to do something about it then it’s entirely down to you to step up. You’ve made the choice to partner with a man who’s got children, and those children don’t have any say in how they get treated. It’s not their fault - if you’re committed to him, you’re committed to them, you’ve got to try and be fair!

What’s to stop you applying for those management positions now, in other chains? There are hundreds of vacancies in the hospitality sector where I live and recruitment is tough at the moment. Don’t defer your financial issues and sit moaning about your affairs; sort it out :)

Instead of posting on here with all these people jibing at you, you could be polishing up your CV and getting out there!

I don't understand why you post on the step parent board. All your issues are with your partner?

@Happydays87 all his wages go into my account for bills, paying for the girls etc as if they went into
His account our bills wouldn't get paid. With my work and within the company I work for we have to do two set courses to be allowed our own site so I have to wait for the next course to start which is in 4 weeks. So once I have done that I can do the next week and then I can apply for sites x

So basically you control all your dp money so he wouldn’t be able to take them abroad with you. You can’t moan about money but go abroad. It’s not just not taking them abroad you treat them like second class citizens in the family unit, no bedroom ones a landing for heavens sake the other on a camp bed in your sons bedroom whilst your son from a previous relationship gets a castle bed baby has his own bedroom. What is sad is your dp doesn’t want more for his own girls but will for a boy who isn’t his. Half the time he makes excuses not to go and get them for contact. You moaned because they wanted the same snacks as your boys treat drawers. You moan when his dd wanted a doll but your happy for your dp to fund a holiday abroad for the “two boys”

I’m not saying it’s right, but are you feeling resentful towards your stepchildren because you feel resentful towards their father and they are an extension of him if you get me? I know it’s not their fault, but he seems so burden you so much - are the stepchildren just another burden that wouldn’t be a burden to you if he behaved better?