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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

School run

21 replies

weaningwoe · 29/05/2018 08:42

Interested in opinions, as I can’t tell if I am being entirely reasonable;

On a day that was not your partners contact day for their child, would you do a school run for the child’s other parent because they moved away and enrolled their other child in another school,

Two days a week. Picking up from other parents home in the morning and dropping back there after school.

OP posts:

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oreosoreosoreos · 29/05/2018 09:02

I did... for most of primary school!

It quickly became apparent when DSS started school that if his mum had to take him in the morning, he just wouldn't get there .

At the time DH was mainly working away mon-fri, and fortunately I was in the position where I could start work slightly later to accommodate it.

Over the years he's gradually ended up with us more and more, and from year 6 was pretty much with us full time. He's nearly 15 now so takes himself to school most days

SciFiG33k · 29/05/2018 09:02

Nope wouldn't even consider it unless I had my own child going to the same school and the step child's other parents house was directly on my way.

I would however kindly suggest that the step child just stayed those extra two nights at our place if it was too hard for them to do the school run.

funinthesun18 · 29/05/2018 11:33

No I wouldn't. I was asked to do something similar on mum's days a couple of years ago and I felt like a mug if I said yes even though my children were at the same school.
For me it's just the principal that if its that parent's day then it's their responsibility to sort things like that whether I'm going that way or not.

HollyGoLoudly · 29/05/2018 11:56

Don't think there's anything wrong with both sides helping each other out with things to do with SC. If there's a reason why she needs the extra help (different story if it's just so mum can get a long lie or something!) and you can spare the time during the day then why not?

NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 12:24

No, i’m a SM. I’m not a childminder for her days. Mums days, her responsibility.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2018 13:53

Not a chance. I'm at work!

funinthesun18 · 29/05/2018 15:51

If there's a reason why she needs the extra help (different story if it's just so mum can get a long lie or something!) and you can spare the time during the day then why not?

She wanted to compress her hours at work so she could have Fridays off. Good for her. Not sure why she thought that was my job to facilitate that especially when she had a partner.

StepBackNow · 29/05/2018 16:08

No. Her problem. She has to make arrangements, you aren't her staff.

Original poster

weaningwoe · 29/05/2018 16:08

Thank you for replying.

I’ll perhaps keep going until the end of term. She won’t give up her two days as they’re court ordered and she’s not happy to lose these days.

I’m on maternity leave so can technically spare the time but it really restricts what I can do on my days where it’s only my child with me. The whole journey from home, to school, to Mums house and then back home is around an hour and a half so by the time we’re home, my DS is really hungry. The cost isn’t a massive thing but she is insistent that she should be having maintenance paid to her too, so it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth. She won’t provide any kind of lunch for school either.

Really hard to know what to do because he’ll end up not going to school, and I’ll have to go and get him to take him when it comes back round on to our day.

We’ve just had yet another abusive phone call from her and I just don’t think I can keep this up when it’s just supposed to continue regardless of anything she does/says.

OP posts:

Greys18 · 29/05/2018 16:18

I’d keep a record of it, in case you need to go back to court because if she can’t take her child then she should sort it not you, your on maternity, which means your meant to be focusing own your band not being used by everyone else. That’s so cheeky!!! I believe we should help each other, but not to purely benefit the other person, does she do any extra things for you? Using the child as the reason for extra help is cheeky, because when It would be easier for the child to stay those extra nights it’s suddenly not in the order!!!

swingofthings · 29/05/2018 16:29

What the background to this situation? Did you do it before and the issue is the new distance? Is it because they moved to secondary school? Is the child dropped at home where mum is? If so, is the issue that she doesn't have transport? Or do you pick up the child but they are old enough to be home alone? If so, why can't they make their way home alone?

I don't understand why you would do it in the first place!

HollyGoLoudly · 29/05/2018 17:42

Your second post makes things clearer, a 1.5 hour round trip when it's not your day is not a reasonable ask. Especially as you are on mat leave so guessing the baby would be stuck in the car that whole time? My first post was speaking more general but I don't think it is reasonable from what you have said.

Ebeneser · 29/05/2018 17:47

I wouldn't do it. If she doesn't take the child to school, then is there a possibility that she will loose those 2 contact days? If so, then it might be to your advantage to say no, and let her screw it up so you can have those 2 days.

starsuniteonceagain · 29/05/2018 17:49

Got your partner to tell school the days and nights he is at the mothers so if he doesn't go to school it will be the mother that gets in trouble. Stop doing the school run, you have done more than enough. Enjoy the precious time that you do have off on maternity with your baby.

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 29/05/2018 17:55

A parent's child is their responsibility 100% of the time. Don't matter if it's step, birth, or other. If your child needs someone to take them to school and you can then you should.

NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 18:02

@Babiesdontneeddaddies - Its not a stepparents ‘responsibility’ to make sure a child attends school. It’s the parents responsibility, no one else’s.

Why should the mother devolve responsibility? Oh because she can because she can put on the good natured SM. But god help a SP if they overstep the boundaries.

OP you are being taken advantage of. Mums problem. If she doesn’t do it let her deal with the legal consequences.

funinthesun18 · 29/05/2018 18:06

A parent's child is their responsibility 100% of the time. Don't matter if it's step, birth, or other. If your child needs someone to take them to school and you can then you should.

I disagree. Stepparents don't have a responsibility to take the children to school when they are with the other parent. The parent they are with needs to find adequate childcare Eg a childminder. The op is on maternity leave and just because she has some spare time it doesn't mean she should do the school runs for her husband's ex. What about if and when she goes back to work?

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 19:21

So what happens when you finish maternity leave?

I wouldn't do it. It's not your responsibility as a stepmother. It would be easier for the child to stay the night in your house.

What are her options if you don't do it? Because she needs to look at her options. You're basically a taxi service.

She could enlist the services of Addison Lee to do the school run.

Original poster

weaningwoe · 29/05/2018 19:30

I wanted to be as vague as possible so as not to sway people’s opinions.

She was granted the two school days in the court order as she wanted to be involved in DSS’ schooling. She used to get the bus to and from school and my partner paid her the money as part of the court order. Her daughter then started school so she obviously couldn’t be in two places at once so asked if my partner could come to some sort of arrangement. The other options were paying for a taxi etc which would be pretty expensive for four trips as it would be us that would have to pay for it.

The truant officer(?!) has been involved previously but it all seemed to be empty threats.

She can be quite volatile and whenever things don’t go how she wants she calls the police out for a welfare check to out house and the like, making out my husband is a useless parent.

If I can’t do it, for example, when I was at a hospital appointment with my baby, then my husband has to pay for wrap around childcare and then drop him over to her after work. It’s really putting us out.

How on earth do I get out of this now?!

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/05/2018 20:27

No please don’t do this. Just say no. Like right now.

So she wanted those days to be part of her school life but now can’t take her to school? And wants your DP to sort it out?! And to drop her daughter afterwards?

This is not in your step daughters interests. So why on earth are you facilitating the EW?

No he does not have to pay for wrap around childcare. They have to go back to court and rearrange.

This is her responsibility. So what if she kicks and screams and calls welfare?

StepBackNow · 29/05/2018 20:35

Just say no and let the truant officer catch up with her.

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