Dd rude to dp.

[malificent7]

I've been with dp for 2.5 years now. Dd has never met her real dad and was 7 when we got together.
She has always been jealous even though we include her. DPis lovely with her. He has spoken to her and told her ge's not going to steal me away or tdy and replace her dad...
He treats her so well but she throws it back in his face.
She is 9 going on 13 and puberty is settling in.The only time she is nice to him is if she wants money.
Last year she asked dp if she could xall him dad.6 minths later she says ge will never be her dad.
I have tried a family support worker but she refuses to talk to him.
I think she is spoilt and rules the roist in my house.How can i encoueage her to be less petulent?
We often feel like we are treading on egg shells.
She gets time alone with me.

Sorry for typos

Stupid phone!

It's early days. She was with you on your own for seven years and now she's got to share you. She's confused, and testing dp to see if he's serious, and testing the boundaries. You might have to put up with this for a while yet, but you both need to be patient. Dp's doing fine. Just carry on the way you are, she'll settle down eventually.

Hopefully at age 9 she will have time to trust and grow. You can have good boundaries with her, and also keep her engaged and active in after school stuff like sports. I think that good clubs can really help to enforce social skills, respect and resilience and give the home space a break too. If your DP could take her to one it could be ‘their thing’

Then patience, lots of it!

I had a DSD from age 9 who was very rude to me. She isn’t close to me now, but I know that she gained a lot from the security that I gave her. I was never mean, never reacted, but I was clear that I didn’t want rudeness. I think it really helped.

I think you have to crack down on rudeness, and encourage DP to do the same. And remind yourself that that may be more to do with her age than anything to do with your DP.

Beyond that, a relationship does take time to form and it's really up to the two of them to find what works for them. Encouraging them to do something together without you being around can help.

But sounds like she's getting rather confusing signals about what role DP plays in her life. It's not much use him telling her he doesn't want to replace her dad if she never sees her real dad! That's just going to sound too her as "you don't have a dad who cares about you, and I'm not going to be your dad either" But in terms of "stealing" you, he is going to be a competitor for your time and attention unless he's also to be important to her too.

So maybe the two of you need to be a bit clearer what you want him to be to her. Is this a secure enough relationship that he's up for being a stepdad? Or should she see him more as "mum's boyfriend"?

You say she’s spoilt and rules the roost. She’s your child. It’s your house. Deal with it by parenting her and making sure she’s polite and kind to the adults around her.

The whole thing sounds quite confused and that’s okay but her changes of heart suggest she’s feeling insecure. I’ve never told my DSC I’m not going to steal their dad away or replace their mum. That strikes me as odd. Saying it’s something I won’t do suggests I or they would think it a possibility. That could be very unsettling for a child.

You can’t keep letting her be rude to him. It’s shit for him and unhealthy for her. She doesn’t get to treat people badly until she wants something from them. That’s ugly behaviour. She’s 9. She’s plenty old enough to understand that civility is the bare minimum. She’s not a toddler. When she’s rude you need to tackle it.

Falling back on “she’s spoilt” is a hell of a cop out. She doesn’t have another parent and it’s your job to bring her up to be a decent person. That starts at home.